March 1, 2010

Really?!?! You think your're a Dom?!?!

As I have been in and out of chat rooms, on forums, on BDSM related sites, etc... I have found some very interesting characters. Ok...some weirdos. There is one thing though that stands out to me, that actually scares the hell out of me, for a lot of the subs/slaves out there. It is all the guys that claim to be a Dom or Master.

Granted I'll take into account the fact that the number of Doms outweighs the number of subs by a long shot. Just as on any dating site, the number of males outweighs the number of females. However, after reading and watching some of these guys, it doesn't take someone who has any clue at all long to realize that many of these guys have no clue themselves. Anyone can claim themself with that title, go on a site, and try to act the part. One of the main giveaways, to me anyway, relates to the old adage about the one who barks the loudest and tries to call all the attention to himself and how great he is probably isn't anything like he claims. In actuality, he is probably so far from truly being a Dom that it's almost funny.

Another issue for me is all the guys that are in their mid to early 20's that claim themself as a Dom or a Master. Really? Does a guy at that age really have the knowledge, maturity, and self-awareness to truly be a good Dom? There are probably some that do. I for one know that when I was that age there was no way I could do, understand, and really "get" what is involved with being a Dom.

So many people think that it looks like fun to have a woman bow down and worship you and do anything you ask. That it would be fun to be able to beat the hell out of a woman and have her enjoy it. therein lies the mian looks fun, so I should be able to do that. WRONG!!! There is a huge difference in thinking it looks fun and authentically having what it takes. Any real Dom or Master will tell you that it takes a long time to gain the knowledge and maturity to really be able to handle all that will come your way in this position. It can be very taxing and trying sometimes, and it certainly isn't all fun and games.

I feel for the safety of a lot of subs, especially newer ones to the lifestyle. They may get themself into situations that may not be in their best interest. A sub with experience can usually sniff out a Dom that has no clue, like a fly can sniff out a garbage can. These self-proclaimers can also be the few bad apples that make it difficult and ruin things for everyone else. Subs need to take their time, learn about the person they are considering as a potential Dom, and educate yourself the best you can. IF you start seeing some red flags waving around, there are probably a lot more you can't see yet.

I for one don't claim to be the best Dom out there. I believe there is always room for improvement, and to learn more. Sort of like continuing education in the workplce. You can never stop learning, developing, and growing. It's an ever-evolving process. I also believe in learning from my sub, as she herself can teach me a lot and bring up situations that I feel I need to be better equipped to handle, leading me to more research and education for myself. I'm the first to admit when I don't know something or may be wrong. A Dom isn't perfect, just like everyone else isn't always erfect. I feel that being open about this, and showing a willingness to learn and admit mistakes, will gain me more respect from my sub than anything else. Does it make me weak? Not at all! I think it shows more strength to be able to face and discuss your shortcomings, than to try to act perfect and like you know it all.

I guess my main point to this is that subs should always beware when dealing with a new prospective Dom. Do your research and make sure you know who you're dealing with. If ever in doubt, ask someone in the lifestyle. Most other Doms and subs will be more than happy to assist you with your situation to enable you to make a good decision. Never feel bad or ashamed to ask for help. This lifestyle is a community, and the village is usually more than happy to help raise the child. Be careful in all your endeavors, and never hesitate to ask questions.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Dauntless,
    I found your blog by following the link on Mouse's. I started reading the most recent post and have read back this far. Just wanted to say I appreciate your writing. I went through a break up a couple of months ago and I'm just now coming out of the pain enough to begin meeting new men.

    Just this week I've met five men from a site that caters to dom/sub dynamics. Pardon me for saying it so bluntly, but the one who is not good looking turned out to be the best, most experienced of the first four. Lucky for me I met the fifth and he is gorgeous, happy, open, and generous.

    I absolutely agree with what you wrote here. I've had two pretty rough experiences with inexperienced doms who thought they knew what i needed without either asking me or listening to what i told them. This week it was a 30-year-old guy. I figured I was older, a little experienced, and I could give him a chance and gently teach him a few things.

    His ego couldn't take it. He got angry and short tempered and demanded all sorts of ridiculous "punishment" ~ all by IM. Seriously? Finally in frustration he told me to find someone else. I was too difficult. Give me a break. I know it was his lost opportunity for growth, not my lost opportunity to be dominated by an insecure loud mouth.

    Thanks for your teaching posts. A dom could learn a lot here.