September 29, 2013

Is It Play Or Is It Real?!?!

For me it's fairly easy to break BDSM into two main categories.  First, there are those that just like the kink and the role play, which I call kinksters.  It may just be sexually or from time to time for fun or as a way to spice things up.  The second is those that Domination and submission is is a deep part of who they are and something they need in their life.  It transcends just play and kink and is some they need to feel complete and whole.  It's a way of life.  I, without a doubt, fall into the second group.  It's a part of me and what I need to have as a part of a relationship.  It's part of who I am.  There is nothing wrong with being a kinkster, so don't get me wrong.  Either is fine as long as it works for the person engaged in it.  You have to find what fits and is right for you.  But just for play or a role...not for me.

Whenever I see problems within this lifestyle, one way or another it seems to come back to the difference in these two categories, or at least many times it does.  And when people are new to this, especially Dominants, or those claiming to be Dominants, this is the part they just don't get...not yet anyway.  This doesn't mean they can't learn and that most don't want to learn, but they aren't there yet. These Dominants jump right in when they see this and think it looks fun.  They think it would be great to have a woman be at his beck and call.  

Many submissive women, on the other hand, come into this with a deeper understanding initially of who they are and what they need.  They have looked at this for a long time before taking steps towards this lifestyle.  They know it's a part of who they are and what they need.  They have likely battled within themselves as to whether they can or really want to do this.  Or whether they feel it's even right and ok to do this.  They may be very scared and vulnerable but know they need a Dominant Man in their life to be accountable to and to have oversee them.

This is the difference between the seeing it as fun and play, at least initially, while the other
sees it as a way of being and needing the depth of it.  This tends to lead to a lot of potential issues that neither is aware of, prepared to face, or even knows exists.  This is where I see the problems arise and where things can go so very wrong.

Most Dominants don't start out know just how deep and what a responsibility being Dominant really can be.  He doesn't realize just how much the submissive will rely on him and need him.  A majority of what she needs from him will come outside of their scenes or play.  It's before during and after the scene that she needs the care, support, and reassurance from her Dominant.  The Dom has to realize that he is responsible for, and that the sub is looking for, her mental and emotional well being.  He has to realize and understand that the actual play only lasts a short time, but the support and care she needs lasts throughout the entire relationship, day in and day out.  The Dominant should never jeopardize the subs physical, emotional, or mental health and well being just because he wants to have fun, and have her get him off.  If you aren't prepared and expecting to deal with ALL parts of the submissive, you shouldn't be wanting to deal with just the physical apsects.  The exception to this is if both people are completely open, up front, and share their position and expectations and are in total agreement.

I am just looking at this from my own point of view, and where I am coming from as a Dominant that sees this as part of who he is.  Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with just enjoying the play aspects of BDSM, and there are many people that do.  Yet, I believe it's vitally important for those involved to be open about how they see this and what they expect from it.  Is it just fund and play, or is it a dynamic within a relationship that you are seeking?  If it's the relationship, then you have to be wiling to learn, and study and give more than you may have ever given...and in this I am speaking to the Dominant.  Be ready, willing, and able to care for your submissive, inside and out.  If you aren't willing to put that much time and effort into the relationship then you need to be wiling to take a step back and look at the bigger picture...the submissive's overall mental, emotional and physical health and well being.  She is putting all that in your hands, so you better be willing and able to handle all that involves.

September 2, 2013

The Dark Side Of This Lifestyle...

I received an email from a woman who said she was newly submissive, had lot of questions and needs help.  With her permission, I have cleaned up the email a bit, taken out any personal info, and posted it below.  I thought it would be a great learning tool for many people, as well as for her, to see and read your comments on this.

I know some of your comments will be long, but that is expected and perfectly fine.  Feel free to cover as much of this as you like for her and all others to see.  I responded to her privately about how bad I thought this situation really is.  I look forward to the comments of all my readers and this situation.  Least to say...I think this is what we all warn about and see as a bad and dark side of this lifestyle and how some people use it for really bad and selfish purposes.  This is about as far from what D/s should be, in my opinion.  This is how good people get sucked into really bad situations and ruin what can be such a wonderful and beautiful relationship and lifestyle.

This is your blog post now, so post your comments and views on this situation.


I got on this site called plenty of fish.  This Dom on their found me.  We connected, had a lot in common.  Ive always been interested in bondage but nevr tried it .  I had never been involved with a dom before.  He has told me i belong to him.  Then he brought in what he called a toy for us to play with.  Found out it was a past submissive.  She saw how much our connection with each other was.  She decided she wanted to pull out during this time.  He gets distant from me.   The girl calls me tells me she fell in love with him but pulled out cause she saw we could have something better.  Since she left hes been different with me . He says he doesnt know when he can come see me cause of his job.  He works acorss the country for long periods of time.  So he started sending me to fuck other guys while listening in on phone and controlling when i pee and then told me he wanted me fucked till he got down here to me.  Then later he told me i couldnt fuck no one unless he was listening in cause i was a hot woman.  He has me do videos of me with guys to send to him and of me peeing and everything.  He also told me he wanted evrything i had to offer someone for him only.  Even told me while hes out of state he wanted me so bad it hurt .  He goes home and i dont hear from him but one time out of a week.  I can only talk to him when he contacts me on his work phone.  He hasnt gave me his cell number and we also only have contact by email . This has cause a lot of emotions over me like wanting him more cause of no contact and missing him and lonely and also hurting for him at the same time.  Ive never done this before and these emotions i feel as if ive fallen for him and not sure how a submissive handles emotions like this when her dom is distant.  Hes told me to be patient with him alot and that we were ok but its hard when i dont hear from him and have to wonder when i will hear from him after hes gone back home.  But while hes at work he talks to me from sun up to midnight.  I'm just confused.   Ask any questions you want, i need help.