March 22, 2010

How Do We Do this?

How do we do this?

By that I mean, how does a couple go about having and moving forward with a BDSM or D/s relationship?  My previous submissive (L) told me when we first started that she had done a lot of reading a research.  A lot of what is on the WWW to be found and read is pretty hardcore, I must admit.  even a lot of what you may read in blogs on this site may appear that way.  So, how does a new submissive that is just starting out not get overwhelmed and scared to death when researching and learning about the lifestyle?  How does she not run away and hide at the thought of reading about other submissive's expereinces, and her thought of taking things from fantasy to reality?

"L" told me that she knew this is who she was (being a submissive), but a lot of what she read about scared the hell out of her.  She just didn't know if she could do all of this.  My answer to her was simple, and I think it is something that should be understood by all subs and prospective subs...

"We can make this whatever we want it to be.  We can do what works best for the two of us"

I think this is very important, and I feel that other true Dominants will agree.  Just because you read about it, and see what others are doing, doesn't mean that you have to do it, or do it that way.  I believe that you can learn about the basic pronciples of this lifestyle, but an individual relationship is molded by the two people involved and constructed based on what works best for the two of them.  A good Dom will not push his sub too far too fast, or make her do things she is totally against.  He must always make adjustments as he goes in doing what is best for his sub, mentally and emotionally.  Yet, he must also push her limits to be able to take her farther and enable her to progress and to grow. 

Two people can take this lifetstyle and make it into whatever they like.  It doesn't say anywhere that this has to be done a specific way.  There is no rule book that says follow steps 1 through 5...or else.  Everyone likes different things and is into different things and manners in which they do them.  This is where complete and open communication comes into play.  You have to be able to share with each other and express yourself.  If you don't or can't, then I can promise you that trouble is on the horizon. 

So my advice is to read, research, and read and research some more.  Yet, don't be put off by all you read and find.  You will discover everything from vanilla couples that like to role play every once in a while, to completely hardcore 24/7 relationships.  There is nothing wrong with taking tidbits from here and there and customizing the relationship into what both involved people need it to be.  After all, if it's not what you want or need, then what is the point?  Custom blend your relationship to be what you need, but keep an open mind to all the other possiblities.


  1. DV Sir,

    Absolutely true. Each word.


  2. Mouse...
    Thanks for your comment. I know from reading about you and O how involved you are in the life. It's very nice to know that someone such as yourself agrees.


  3. That was a very good post. There's no formula for what's right or wrong in the lifestyle. Couples should what works for them.


  4. BRAVO!

    "We can make this whatever we want it to be. We can do what works best for the two of us"

    The mark of a healthy D/s dynamic...a responsible relationship.

  5. Thanks for the great post, DV!

    You and my Daddy/Master seem to be of a very like mind when it comes to D/s relationships. Those Doms who insist on following a prescribed series of acts in order to prove their dominance, without consideration for the unique nature and nuances of the other person/people involved in the relationship, are simpletons (to borrow His term).

    It can be very easy to be put off by some of the D/s literature and websites out there. For submissives, I think the most important thing to remember is to never doubt their urge to submit. We know it is inside us (as it has always been to some degree) and no one can tell us that we're not submissive enough or not a "good" submissive because we don't fit in to their narrow, preconceived notions of D/s. At that point, it's best to just move on and trust in'll find Him just as He will find you.

    Baby Girl :)

  6. DV -

    When I was submissive, I pointed out that it was my first realization of my true self. I continue to say "when I was" for several reasons, mainly because I stand alone as a "former" submissive, but I continue to read and keep up with the blogs of others.

    I cannot speak for your "L". I do, however, have my own answer to your question .... "So, how does a new submissive that is just starting out not get overwhelmed and scared to death when researching and learning about the lifestyle?" In my former relationship it boiled down to one thing. Trust. The trust I had in my Dom. When punishment was required, trust. When pain was involved, trust. When quiet moments in between being pushed to new levels, trust.

    You are correct, the D/s lifestyle is something that the two choreograph, much like a dance. Submissives trust their Doms to lead, and they go, no questions asked.

    Irony's Sub

  7. FD...
    Thanks, I'm glad you approve and agree. Your knowledge and understanding of this speaks highly.

    I agree 100%. :)

    Baby Girl...
    Simpletons...I like that. :) It's hard to believe that someone open minded enough to want to be into D/s can be closed minded enough to not take into consideration all the variables, but it does happen. You have to find the person that is the right fit for you and meets your needs. Sounds like you have a good Daddy, especially if he thinks like me. LOL! Joking, but he does sound like a well thought out person and molds the situation for you both the way he should, so good for him...and you.

    I totally agree that trust is everything. Also it cannot be given, but has to be earned. Without trust in this, you have nothing. I don't believe you are a "former" sub. I think you are still very submissive, as it's who you are. You may currently be standing alone, but still submissive by nature. You must not give up hope. You can find the right Dom once again. He is out there searching for you as well...the right sub. Hold your head high and be proud of who you are. What you need is there, you just have to find it, and realize it when you do.