October 8, 2010

Submissive Emotions and the Dominant

"I warned you!  I told you how this would be.  I told you how intense this could and probably would become.  I told you how emotional this would become for you.  I told you this would be like no other relationship you have ever had.  I told you how it would be hard to go back once I had taken you there.  Did you believe me?  Did you think I was lying?  Did you really think I was just telling you things to lure you in?  Maybe...maybe not.  You had no way of knowing.  You had no reference point.  You had never been here before to be able to understand.  But...now you see.  Now you get it.  Now you understand.  Now...you are addicted!"

I read about a lot of women who decide to embrace her submissive side.  She comes out of the closet and becomes more open about who she is and needs to be.  But does she really know what she is in for?  Does she really know how emotional and mental this will become?  Does she really even know what she wants and is willing to do?  No!  There is no way she can.

There are several aspects we can look at in this regard.  Today I just want to focus on emotions.  More specifically, the emotions that come about and begin evolve once she takes the steps and gets going in this lifestyle.  Once a submissive woman comes to grips with her needs and desires, and finds the right Dominant to lead her down this road, that's when things get much more deep than she can imagine them being. 

From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved.  How her need will grow.  How this will become an addiction for her.  She has no way to know.  She has no reference point as of now.  I can drill into a sub how intense this can be.  How emotional it will become.  But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can't know and understand.

She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times.  She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life.  She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before.  In many women this will strike fear.  Fear of having to be that open.  Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self.  Fear of being hurt by being so open.  There is no hiding and no holding back.  Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls.  This can be a very emotional time for her.  She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on. 

This is where having the right Dominant is so important.  It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance.  This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears.  Who holds the key to which way it will swing?  I, the Dominant, does.  It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions.  It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care.  That I'm not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash.  Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet.  I'm here to help support and hold her up.  I'm here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am.  That I'm not here to tear her down, but to build her up.  It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her.  That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner.  That I don't want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is. 

There are a lot of Doms, or alleged Doms, out there.  They will make all sorts of claims.  Many think it's about having a woman bow to you, get on her knees, suck your cock, there for you to fuck whenever they want, etc...  They think it would be great to have a woman do whatever they say.  What they don't know and realize is how much time and effort goes into a submissive in supporting and caring for her.  He doesn't realize that, in contradictory terms, the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her.  There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it.  There's no wonder a lot of submissives I read about have had issues and problems in the lifestyle.  Lucky for us good Dominants (yes I'm making an assumption about myself), the drive and pull in a submissive keeps her going and looking, even after a bad experience or two.

My point is this...there are some very emotional times for a submissive in coming to grips with who she is.  It takes a lot of work and effort to be able to guide her and get her comfortable with this.  It takes a caring and strong Dominant to be able to work through this with her, and want to work through this with her.  If you take the time to build her up, show her the way, show her how great this can be, take care of and support her, then you are building a strong foundation for your future.  She will be much more loyal and giving of herself, if she sees and knows you are willing to give of yourself as well.  If your foundation is weak, well...don't be surprised when the house comes tumbling down.  It's no ones fault but your own, as the Dominant.  She has no way to know otherwise and is counting on you to know and lead her.

Can you do that?  Can you build a strong foundation for her to be steady on her feet?  Can you work with her the way she needs and deserves?  Can you give yourself to her, so she will give herself in return?  Can you?  You better! Or you better not act surprised when you have lots of issues that can't be resolved.   She deserves the best and all you have.  If you can't give her that, then maybe you should stay in the kiddie pool until you grow up enough to swim with the adults!


  1. DV Sir this was wonderful!

    Thank you Sir!


  2. DV... May I print this out and frame it? It's as if you can look straight into my head and wrote about how I feel and where I want to be. You are one of the few out there who truly knows how a sub should be treated. Maybe you should give a class. :)

    Wonderful post

  3. To know that they will always be there, when we go time and again back to them.
    To know that they are always thinking of us in some part of their minds.
    To know that they will be there no matter what......
    That's when the need to submit is most for me....

  4. WOW..powerful and sooo true! My Master and i were just discussing how naive i was when i first became His. I truly ddid not expect it to be such an emotional experience, and to engulf me so totally! My Master lik You , gets it...luck for me! abby

  5. "the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her. There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it."

    Who could disagree with that?
    Great stuff DV.

  6. DV
    can you talk to my Master? :)

    great post!!



  7. :) Thank you for this post, DV.

  8. Thank you for the nice comments from all of you. I'm glad you enjoyed it, agree, and get something from it.

    Carrie is organizing classes and we will let you know about a schedule and fees. ;)


  9. I'll join the chorus, a wonderful post, in fact, I am linking to it for my Wednesday article. Thank you.

  10. Sir DV I'm a little late on the comments, was away for a much needed weekend with M, my master. But I join the chorus of "Wonderful posts." Probably the best way I've seen it put on the topic of the emotional aspect when it comes to a submissive and exactly what is required of a dominant. It isn't easy but as you said...the rewards are more than worth it.

  11. Nothing I can say here that hasn't been said already. This is outstanding guidepost on the journey I am taking with my lovely jewel. Definitely going in the reference file. Thank you for writing it.

  12. again i shiver from the complete accuracy of your words!
    Brilliant DV, just brilliant :)

  13. I am blessed my Master found me. He is building me up emotionally and creating a solid foundation. Our bond is strengthening with each passing day. You and he must have attended the same Dom School! LOL

    Thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts. I am a bit late posting, but am going through your archives.

    Take care,

  14. Your opening paragraph - that quotation...my Sir had this exact same discussion/warning with me prior to my coming to Him. In my mind I was saying, "uh-huh, yeah right."

    This week...it was a lightbulb moment as I was reminded of this warning.

    Deeper and more intense than I ever imagined.


  15. I thought this was a really lovely post and the timing of my reading it is really working for me.
    Because coming to grips with who I am seems to be a continuing journey for me.

  16. I am a novice submissive just about to embark of an amazing journey. After extensive search (looking for a needle in a haystack) I have found the most understanding, patient, loving MASTER. Your articles are facinating and extremely enlightening. All your articles have been an inspiration, a wonderful rescource, and a source for enormous support as I continue to grow, and understand my emotions and feelings as a vital part of my acceptance into the D/S world.

  17. I add my thanks too. This is so beautifully written and true.Alice.

  18. Thank you for this post. I know I am quite late to the party but I just recently discovered your blog.

    It is wonderful to know that these intense feelings, the fear, the incredible vulnerability are not unusual.

    Wonderful sentiment as well.

  19. Thank you, very much for posting this. I myself, have recently "come out of the closet" as a submissive, and it is exactly as you say. I am scared to death of the things I feel. It is wonderful to know someone understands. That I am not in fact, crazy, stupid, or overdramatic as I have heard in the past. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and views, this in particular has helped me as a submissive tonight.

  20. HERE HERE good Sir, very very well said and presented.

  21. Excellent writing. I've never read your work before, but I am an instant fan!
    I am one of the lucky ones who has a loving and supportive Dom and Owner, who has nourished and built me up, helped me grow, and been by my side through good and bad. I am happy to see him now sharing his knowledge with newer, less experienced Doms so that they can be successful as well. I would love to share your writing with them so they can use it to benefit and learn!

    1. Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed this. It's fantastic that your Dom is willing to be open and share with those not as experienced and show them the right way to do this. Kudos to him.

      I never mind others sharing and reposting my work as long as full credit is given and it is linked back to me. So, feel free to spread the knowledge. :)


  22. I just finished reading this DV and it brought tears to my eyes bcz it touched me. My D and I are enjoying our new found desires to be D/s with each other. Ive been feeling a lot of how you described a subs unknown desire for her D. I am looking fwd to sharing your story with him very soon.