August 12, 2013

The Fear Of A Dominant...

There is something I have been thinking about lately.  I know...a scary thought.  You could probably feel the ground shaking from wherever you are, and no it's not an earthquake.  This morning I read a post from Fondles, which can be read HERE.  It was an interview of her Dom with her asking him questions.  He touched on the very thing, at least in a round about way from the way I read it, of what I have had going through my head.

I have written over the years quite a bit about the feelings and emotions that happen for a submissive.  What goes on inside their head and many seem to face.  It's something I feel like I have a good grasp on and understand.  At times I have also written about the Dominant and what he is dealing with, as well.  What I have been grappling with lately is the emotions and vulnerability a Dom can feel.

The stereotype and view of Dominants as a whole is that of being stoic, having their house in order, and always being calm and in charge.  Being able to handle any situation, and not having emotions play into it. He can seem calculated and devious and know his place and roll well.  Actually though, I guess that's the case in the world as a whole...women are emotional and men aren't.  Well, I'm here to give you a little bit of insight.That's not always the case.  At least not with me anyway.

As much as I may appear to have a crap together on the outside, what's happening on the inside can be complete chaos.  Not all the time, so don't think I'm a bumbling mess.  But there are times when I can struggle just as much as the submissive I may write about.  Just as with a sub, I can need to be reassured.  I need to know where we stand and that I'm needed.  I need to know that my feelings for my sub are reciprocated.  I need to know that I'm not putting myself out on a limb only to have the limb cut and I come crashing down.

Just because I am a Dominant in my relationships, it doesn't mean I don't have fears and feelings and emotions.  It doesn't mean that I don't feel vulnerable in exposing myself and putting myself out there, just as I would require my submissive to do.  I need to be wanted.  I need to be appreciated.  I need to feel cared for and loved.  This is no different than a submissive needing these same things.  Just because she needs to submit and offer up her body, mind and heart to follow and obey, doesn't mean she doesn't need to also feel all these protections from her Dominant.  I need the same thing from my submissive.

Just as I want her to need me, I want to need her.  I need to have her wanting and needing me and feeling like I'm the only one that can give her what she needs in a Dominant.  Conversely, I want to feel like I need her and can't do without all she brings to the table and gives to me. It's that needing someone and being that open with someone that can be scary.  It can bring about fear.  It can bring feelings of insecurity in needing someone in that way, and be painful in the thought of losing her or not having that with her.

A submissive should be just as important to a Dom as the Dom is to the submissive.  Yes, facing the feeling and vulnerability can be difficult.  It can lay you out there and make you feel so very exposed and like nothing good can come from it.  Especially for a Dominant that feels like is supposed to be the strong one.  Yet, when it is all reciprocated and the feelings and emotions run both directions, it can be such a beautiful thing.  And when your submissive can see this in you and knows just how much you care for her, and need her like she needs you, then ultimately she will give you more and submit more than she would have otherwise.

So, don't think that Dominants are mean, uncaring and emotionless people.  That is very far from the case, and underneath the image of being totally in charge and in control, there are times when that is anything but what's really happening.  Just don't tell anyone I shared this with you.  I'm sure it's a violation of some sort of "Dom Code" that I let you in on this little secret.  I'd hate to get kicked out of the club and be banned from our secret handshake for telling you all this.


25 comments:

Fondles said...

thanks for the shoutout.

and i totally agree that Doms have emotional needs too!

Anonymous said...

Very honest.

little said...

DV- it would be a shallow and unthinking sub who doesn't know thi, so the club membership is safe. D/s is an expression of humanity surely. What I like about D/s is that it does for a Dominant man what life doesn't seem to do. It gives him the permission to open and expose his vulerabilities. The need to be loved, wanted, the center of his sub's world while still acting to make his sub feel safe in the knowledge that when he's around nothing can harm her.

Well thats just in my observatio anyway.

L x

Beatrice said...

shoulder bumps

YY

B

Grand said...

You are kicked out of the club.

And this post was excellent. Us Doms are NOT two dimensional characters. We are real people. We each have unique reasons for what we do in the same way that subs have reasons.

geekie kittie said...

Are you saying Doms *gasps* are ONLY human!!! O.O

Anonymous said...

DV, what a great post, thank you.

 "And when your submissive can see this in you and knows just how much you care for her, and need her like she needs you, then ultimately she will give you more and submit more than she would have otherwise."

This thought spoke volumes to me. I think this one of my struggles with submitting, and I just didn't know how to phrase it. I know He cares, I know He wants me, otherwise we wouldn't be on this journey, but I'm not sure He needs me. Definitely some food for thought, and a conversation to be had.

His_Subrina said...

Thank you DV for this post. I just posted something kinda similar to this. Although hubby is very new to this and hasn't quite figured out his "Dom" role (he's trying tho!!!) I think that we think about men in general like this....not ever realizing how sensitive and emotional they can be.

Anonymous said...

Dear DV,

That is a beautiful post. I can't agree more. I think it is silly to think the submissive as a vulnerable dependent human being. I think the scale can go both sides. A Dominant cannot be constantly stable secure etc. He would be infallible (and very boring). There is Yin and Yang in power-exchange. But there should be a Yin and Yang in the exchange of feelings, high and low. The want and need goes both ways.
Thank You for this lovely post.

Love
ara

Anonymous said...

if you are kicked out then I am sure to be right behind you. Excellent post, I could not agree more.

DauntlessVitality said...

Thanks for posting the inspiration that helped me form this post!

DauntlessVitality said...

Thank you!

DauntlessVitality said...

Thank you for your observation and it's always appreciated. For those involved in D/s relationships, I agree I think it's known well by the subs. I just felt like it wasn't touched on very much, and it's always the subs thoughts and emotions being discussed...myself included. Sometimes we just need a refresher and to look at the other side of things.

DauntlessVitality said...

Bumps right back at ya! :)

DauntlessVitality said...

Dang! I was afraid of that! ;)
Thanks for your thoughts and yes we all do have our own unique reasons for what we do and how we do this. That's what makes it so great.

DauntlessVitality said...

Well...yes I suppose I am. I know that's really hard ot believe. ;)

DauntlessVitality said...

Thanks HS! Glad this helped you put some words to your own thoughts. Getting you to thinking is always a good thing, at least from my point of view.

DauntlessVitality said...

I think it's the stereotype anyway, but yes we are emotional creatures. We just usually go about presenting and showing it in different ways.

DauntlessVitality said...

There definitely is a scale and balance. Typically it's only the sub of a Dom that sees these emotions and feelings and the rest see the projection of the strong Dom. The need does go both ways and is something both sides need to make the relationship work well.

DauntlessVitality said...

Thank you my friend! I'll save a seat for you on exile beach where we can have a beer, watch the waves. and discuss our emotions. ;)

faithful said...

DV (and Fondles) Appreciate this post and your viewpoint and I just emailed my Master to let him know exactly how much I appreciate and love him and how I can't wait to take care of him and keep him safe upon his return from Deployment. Thank you Thank you!!

~faithful

ancilla_ksst said...

I am thankful that my Master lets me into his head to share his doubts and emotions with me. It is not something I blog about, and doesn't blog, so no one every gets to see that side, but it's true, the Doms and Masters are just as human as us. :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this post... I just couldn't agree more. The 2D picture of a Dominant is just wrong.

little girl said...

Hello! I followed some others over here to your blog and quite glad I did. Thus was the first post I read and enjoyed it. I am thankful to have a Dom who is willing to open up to me and admit when he's made a mistake and share his thoughts, worries, and emotions. Definitely the sign of a good Dom, I think. Thank you for sharing.

Unknown said...

One lives their life twice every day. Once on the inside and once on the outside. Having both align gives one a sense of balance.