May 11, 2015

Because He Said So...?

I have seen pictures and groups of pictures on tumblr, and other places for that matter, that are D/s and M/s and BDSM related with the words “Because He said So”.  I will say that as a Dominant I do adhere to this mantra, but there are some caveats to this as well. 
For the uninformed, uneducated, and ignorant people of this world, it’s these caveats that hold the true meaning behind these words. This is not a blanket statement, right, or entitlement that gives an alleged Master/Dom the right to demand anything he wants, expect it to be done or carried out, and then get mad when it doesn’t happen.  Listen to this very carefully…You are not entitled to a single thing just because you call yourself a Master or a Dom.  You don’t automatically have the right to expect anything just “Because You Said So” because you have proclaimed yourself as having a title.  

So what does it mean when you hear “Because He Said So…”?
It means the sub/slave has given him that right and authority over her.

It means she has consented this power to such a person.

It’s because she sees and feels him as worthy of such power and control.

It’s because he has earned the right to be able to be that way with her.

It’s because he has earned her respect in the Dominant position h has with her.

It’s because he has put in the time, effort and work to get t that point with her.

For me personally, when I see those words it’s not just those words alone that resonate with me.  It’s the entire dynamic of the power exchange relationship, all it takes and all the two of you have gone through together to reach a place where “Because He Said So…” is a reality and has true depth and meaning.  It is a very special feeling and place to be when you reach this together.  But it is not something that you can instantly demand and expect.  
Earn your place with her.  Put in the time and effort she deserves.  Earn your title with her, because she feels it and bestows it upon you, not because you hereby declare it for yourself.  Anyone can call themselves whatever they like.  Having someone else see you as that person and give themselves to you as that person in your life… that is the true blessing. You don’t have a right and aren’t entitled to anything.  You do have the right to earn what you want and strive to achieve your goals.  
When the title as her Master or Dominant has been earned, and she sees you as worthy of that position over her, that is much more gratifying and fulfills a level of accomplishment than anything ever demanded without effort.  And when you get that from her, that is when you can truly say… “Becasue I Said So…”!

~DV~

May 3, 2015

Control In Daily Life...

Every relationship involves two people.  Two people that rely on each other to meet their needs, make them feel good, and to make them feel fulfilled.  It's a bond they felt from the start and has grown deeper as the relationship has progressed.  It involves a lot of trust, communication and mutual respect.  A power exchange relationship (D/s, M/s, etc...) is no exception to this, and may even have some of these characteristics that are even more prevalent than their vanilla counterparts.

As we all know, much of what those of this in this lifestyle do and portray is very sexual in nature.  Whether it's written blogs, websites, Fetlife, Tumblr, or whatever the case may be, what we run across more times than not is the sexual elements.  This may be justified to some degree, as much of the time these relationships are about sexual Domination and submission.  Yet, I think it's the aspects of these relationships outside of the sexual realm that are the foundation that makes them strong.  It's the day to day interactions and normal daily life that people build lasting relationships upon, and not wild unadulterated sex, although we will all agree that is the fun part of this.

For many people it seems to be easy to engage in some type power exchange relationship sexually.  Yet, when it comes to daily life decisions it seems to be more difficult.  People appear to have a harder time taking or giving up control in daily life than they do with giving up control of their own bodies.  For me personally as a Dominant, part of my rules is that I have the last word and the power to make all decisions.  I want my partners views, thoughts, and opinions, and will always take that into account, but in the end I have the say.  That doesn't mean I want total control, that I'm overly Domineering, or that it's my way or nothing by any means.  It just establishes the boundaries for which we will conduct ourselves.  This rule is easy to say but is much harder for both people to actually carry out.

There are times that I may make decisions and that is the end of discussion.  Yet, more times than not, it is a combination of my own decision and my subs decision.  I don't conduct my relationship as a dictatorship or like a communist regime.  I don't want a mindless sub or slave.  I want someone that can contribute to our relationship to make us both better and stronger.  I want someone who can think for themselves and will also make decisions that are for the betterment of us.

Giving up control on decisions that affect your life and will have long term consequences can be scary.  It takes a lot of trust and respect for the other person, and this can take a long time to develop.  So least to say, when my sub comes to me to help her make life decisions it can be very gratifying.  It shows me the depth of what we have fostered together.  It shows me the true submission she has towards me in letting me in to make these decisions for her.  It shows me the trust she has in me to make decisions that could affect and alter her life long term.  This could be financially related, about a career or job position, a situation with a friend, one of the children, or any number of possible scenarios.  She knows that based on our relationship dynamic my opinion carries a lot of weight, and she will likely have to go with my stance on the matter.  Ultimately, this is what she needs and expects of me, though.  This is the leader she needs me to be.  Even still, I don't just tell her what to do and nothing else is allowed, but rather try to equip her with information to make an informed decision on her own.  A true leader doesn't demand, he inspires.

For a Dominant that lives this lifestyle and conducts his relationship within a power exchange dynamic, in all aspects of a relationship and not just sexually, trust and respect are everything.  These are attributes that are earned and gained.  So, having your submissive trust you in all aspects of your relationship, and to make decisions that are potentially life altering, is such a satisfaction.  It can make you beam inside with delight in seeing the depth your relationship has reached and just how how far the two of you have come together.  With this comes a lot of responsibility.  You have to make sure you are ready and able to carry that weight on your shoulders and live with the consequences of your actions.  Those actions affect not only you, but also your partner.  I am more than willing to accept this responsibility.  After all, reaching this point is what we have been striving for as part of the progression of what we have and both need, or at leas it should be, as part of our power exchange dynamic and relationship.


March 29, 2015

Beaten With Love...

Over the past year or more there has been a lot of attention brought to domestic violence, and rightfully so.  With a lot of high profile domestic abuse cases, mostly it seems in sports, this has become one of the hot topics of the moment.  I stand behind this movement and believe there is no place for abuse of any kind n a relationship, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional.  There is no place for abuse in any relationship.  Read that again if you need to do so.  Being this way with your partner comes from a place of anger, rage, fear, and/or a loss of control.  I tend to think that a person that abuses their partner sees themselves as less than or weaker and they are trying to prove or exert some kind of power play against their partner to convince that person, and even themselves, of their strength and power.  There is no place for abuse of any kind.

Having said that, it may seem hypocritical to purposely inflict pain upon your partner, or even have a desire to do so.  Yet, within the BDSM lifestyle, or some type of power exchange relationship, many times this is exactly what occurs.  There is one big distinction, however, between what we do in this lifestyle and what happens in abuse situations.  It's called...CONSENT!

In abuse cases, there is no consent.  It is done against the other persons will and desire.  It is unwanted treatment done with the intent to cause harm and fear.  In BDSM, there is (or should be) full consent, and even a desire by both persons for the activity.  In some instances it is even done for sexual gratification.  I'm not going to get into the full legal issues surrounding this, as that isn't the point of this post.  But I will mention that I read in another blog post recently about a case, I believe in England, where some individuals were found guilty of a crime even though they had full consent.  So please be aware of the laws in your region and how this type activity is perceived, viewed, and the potential consequences.

There are any reasons why people within the BDSM community may engage in activities involving pain.  It could be to push submission.  It could be to feed someones masochistic side.  It be to feed someones sadistic side.  It could be for punishment.  There are many aspects f this lifestyle that can involve pain and physical infliction upon another person.  The biggest difference in what is done in this lifestyle is that is is not out of anger or rage.  It is very calculated and controlled when it is done.  It is done with a purpose.  It is done in a specific way that is planned and intended.  It is done with the receivers full consent, and always with their safety and well being in mind and at the forefront.  In having a safe word in place, the receiver/sub can even stop it immediately, no questions asked.

For me personally, I think my use of pain in a Dominant/submissive relationship is twofold.  One, over the years I have found and discovered my desire for pain infliction, at least on the mild side.  I will be the first to tell you I have a slight sadistic side I didn't know was there years ago.  This was brought out by being involved with some submissives that also had a need to receive assorted inflicted pain.  Second, I have learned of my desire to inflict pain from a place of love and care.  that's right...I said my sadistic side is played out with love and care.

Now you might ask, how can you possibly inflict pain on someone out of love?  It took me a while to grasp this concept myself.  I believe that as a Dominant, if you have a submissive that needs to feel pain, or physical force from you, then it's part of the dynamic the two of you have.  My submissive very well may need to feel the pain.  She can be masochistic on some level and have a need to feel that from me.  This can be multi-layered as to why she needs it, in being the pain helps in feel my control and Dominance, it makes her feel her place as my submissive, it gives her the physical force she needs to feel herself endure for me, and maybe even be something that arouses her in a sexual way.  So, when it's something she needs from me and our relationship, I may be doing it for my own fulfillment, but it's also done out of love and care for her and her need and desire to feel that from me.

Any relationship is about being with someone because you enjoy them and they meet your needs.  Any person that is with someone that doesn't meet there needs, won't stay there for long.  There is no point in being with someone that leaves you unfulfilled and leaves a huge void for you.  In being able to live out my sadistic side, and even explore it further, I am also feeding her masochistic side.  I am giving her what she needs from me because I care.  Because I want t give that to her.  Because she means something to me.  I would even go as far to say that not giving her the pain and force she desires and needs from me, thereby leaving her lacking in our relationship, is more harmful to her mentally and emotionally than any form of pain I can inflict.  Yet, always and in all manners, inflicting pain is done under complete control, never when mad or angry, and with a purpose.

I think this is a perfectly good example of why this is referred to as an alternate lifestyle.  It goes against many of the norms of how people should be treated and what is expected in our society.  It is an alternate way of seeing and conducting a relationship.  Yet, when it is needed and desired by both partners, it can become a true bonding experience and bring you both closer.  It can strengthen the trust you have for each other, and make your relationship stronger.  I affectionately refer to this as "Beating her with Love".  Because that's exactly what is is... giving her the pain and force she needs from me in a caring and loving way and with care and love as the full intent behind it.

February 15, 2015

It's Not Change...It's Evolution...

Change...that can be a scary thing.  Most of us are afraid of change.  We get used to how things are and like it that way.  If when we don't like how things are, it's familiar to us so change can still be difficult.  Yet, when it comes to this lifestyle, I prefer a term different than change...I prefer evolution.

Yes, things change, people change, and situations change, but in this lifestyle I think we tend to evolve.  I think we grow and progress and become more.  We need more.  Staying stationary isn't enough.  It's stagnant and becomes mundane and boring.  We need to move forward, go further, and be pushed to more.

I have said on more than one occasion that vanilla just isn't enough.  Why is that?  Because we have evolved to needing more than that.  Even once you become a part of the kinky realm and engage in BDSM activities, what once seemed kinky after a while begins to be normal.  It doesn't have the same excitement it once did because it's not new any longer.  It is now the new normal.  This lends us to evolving and pushing for more.  It takes us further down this path to new adventures and activities.  It opens us to becoming more and learning more about ourselves.

I have seen this evolution within myself and others.  I have seen and experienced the changes that can occur once you delve into this lifestyle.  It doesn't happen quickly, but it is part of the process as we move through this.  I have seen people that wanted nothing to do with any form of anal play learn to enjoy and even crave it.  I have seen people that wanted nothing to do with any form or pain come to need it.  I have seen people come around to needing public play and/or humiliation of some form.  The possibilities are endless, but the point is that we evolve from where we were to where we are and what we need and desire.

There are some things that I think are essential for this evolution to occur.  It always comes back to the relationship in which you are involved.  It requires the development of deep trust and respect for your partner and their role with you.  It requires a lot of being open with each other, being able to discuss your needs and desires, and having that free flowing communication.

For many of the activities, it has more to do with the person you are involved with than the desire or need for the actual activity itself.  For instance, a submissive may be more than willing to take pain and suffer for her Dominant, and even find pleasure in doing so, but that may not mean she is a lover of pain or a masochist.  It is all because of the relationship they have together.  It's the way and the context in which the pain is delivered, the circumstances, and who is delivering the pain.  This is all part of the evolution of their relationship, the depth it has grown to, and what they have come to need and desire with each other.

Change, or evolution as I like to call it, is a natural part of progressing within this lifestyle and our relationships within this lifestyle.  It is part of growing closer and becoming more for and with each other.  It's needing to give and have more with each other.  Coming to terms with this evolution and what you find yourself now needing can be difficult at times.  Yet, with an open mind and free flowing communication this can be overcome.  Evolving into more together is essential and natural, as staying stagnant and stationary will gain you nothing.  We all have to learn to embrace the evolution of ourselves in this lifestyle, wherever that may lead us.



November 29, 2014

The Time And Effort She Deserves...

There are a lot of different facets to this lifestyle.  There are many ways to go about carrying out the power exchange dynamics we all enjoy, and none of them are wrong.  We all go about doing things a little different and in ways that work best for us and our relationships.  Yet, there are some similarities across all of the dynamics in how a Dominant needs to conduct himself.  There are certain behaviors that I see as being mandatory and not up for discussion.

Anyone can cause pain and create marks on someone else.  Anyone can be aggressive and controlling.  Anyone can spend a little time in a scene with someone and push their limits.  The pain will go away.  The bruises will go away.  The marks will eventually fade and go away.  As a Dominant, it's the way you treat your submissive outside of these times that will stay with her and will last.

A Dominant has to give his submissive care and support throughout their relationship.  He has to offer reassurance and encouragement.  He has to make her feel appreciated for her submission, what she is willing to endure for him, and even as the woman she is in being his partner.  This sin't something that is only part of a scene together.  It has to be part of the entire relationship, every single day.  It is this being there for her, and helping support her in being who she is for you, that will last and stick in her mind.  It is being treated like she is important and that you care that will stay with her most.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many "Dominants" think being Dominant is just about the scene, using her sexually, or making her suffer pain.  They just want the action and fun and then are on their way.  They don't understand aftercare and the importance of it.  They don't understand continual ongoing care and the importance of it.  They don't understand that it's the time between your scenes that are most important.  This time is what helps her process what happened, gives her constant reassurance, and makes her want and need more from you.

A Dominant cannot just be  part of the scene and then disappear or not put forth any effort.  It's this effort that solidifies and reinforces who she is and what she gives.  She cannot be left floundering on her own to deal with everything.  As a Dominant, you have asked for her submission and she has given it to you, so you have to be willing and able to take her on.  Her submission is not just about the actual physical acts, but helping her learn and grow in addition to that as well.  If left to herself she will not be getting what she needs from you.  She will withdraw.  She will lose trust in you as her Dominant.  She will lose respect for you as her Dominant.  Ultimately this will mean you lose her submission to you.  Once this happens, it will be very difficult to regain, if not impossible.

A power exchange relationship, of whatever dynamic you choose, is a constant ongoing process and exchange.  It's not just for the fun aspects and when it's convenient.  When you invest yourself and your time into your partner, you can find more than you ever dreamed and get more from your partner than you ever knew you could have.  If you don't give the time and effort, you are doomed to fail.  She is worth and deserves that effort from you as her Dominant.  Don't be that guy that just uses her for your own enjoyment and pushes her aside.  Be the Dominant she needs all the time.  I promise you will get more in return than you ever imagined, and it will continue to only get better.

~DV~

November 22, 2014

Handing Over The Belt...

One of the things I love about pictures is there is no right or wrong way to look at them.  We each see something different within the same image.  This is one reason I have always enjoyed using pictures with my submissives.  I can send a picture, or a link to a picture, and ask her to tell me what she sees, to tell me what she feels within the picture, or even to put herself in the picture and tell me what she feels about being in that situation.

This is a great tool for learning about her and how she sees things.  Maybe how she sees herself in this lifestyle.  How she sees different aspects of the lifestyle.  What her wants, needs and desires may be for herself as a submissive or from me as a Dominant. The information that can be gathered from a discussion about a picture can be so valuable.  It is being able to get inside her head and know more of how she thinks and feels.  About what drives her.  Once she shares her view, feelings, and thoughts, then I can do the same.  Sometimes our views may match, and other times it may be an opportunity to look at a situation or scene different than we had before.

Recently I was presented a picture and asked to give my view about it.  It was of a woman with a belt in her outstretched hand, as if she was offering it to her Dominant to use on her.  I think it's one thing to use a belt on a woman and make her submit to it.  Yet, it comes from a totally different place when she is bringing you the belt and asking for it.  My comment went like this:

Bringing me the belt.  Needing to be beaten so badly that you would ask for it.  Needing me to help you clear your mind and make you feel your place.  Needing to feel my possession, the force, and my control over you.  Needing to feel your own submission to it.  And knowing once I start, you don't get to decide when I'm done or you have had enough.  That is up to me and only me!


That was my initial view and what I saw in the picture when I looked at it.  I know it takes a very strong and secure woman, with a lot of trust for her partner, to be able to come to him and ask for a spanking or a beating.  That is where my viewpoint was based.  What I got back in response to my viewpoint really caught me off guard and made me think.

I have to admit, there is an appeal or maybe curiosity in everything about this.  I know how the belt feels and I can't exactly lie and say I don't enjoy it.  But how it can clear ones mind, give them the reset or release they need is very intriguing to me.  I do love the thought of coming to him on my knees, handing him the belt and asking for help.  Feeling safe in asking to be beaten.  Trusting that there's not judgement, only understanding.  Then feeling his total possession and control as I put myself in his hands, trusting that he will give me what I need.  And yes, knowing that only he decide when I've had enough and it's done.  I think that this could possible go both ways though.  There has to be a great feeling for him during this too.  Feeling and expressing Dominance and power.  Maybe not the same sort of reset or release, but similar.  So maybe the scenario is 
​that he had some long days at work with traveling and one thing after another.  I can see and feel the stress weighing on him when he gets home.  So I come to him, hand him his belt, strip, and offer my ass (head down ass up) to beat.  Clearing his mind and giving him the release he needs.  Submitting to and taking the pain because that's what Master needs.  The amount of love, respect, and trust it entails (for both of us) is simply beautiful to me!

Hmmmm... I hadn't looked at it that way before.  I tend to look at so much of what I am and do as a Dominant revolving around my submissive.  Having it revolve around her needs and her desires and what she needs from me.  Yes, I may talk about what I get from her and what I can take from her because she is mine, but that still fits within her needs as well.  But this...this was different.  This was the point of view of a submissive offering and giving herself, maybe even to her own detriment and suffering, for the betterment and happiness of her Dominant.  Not being asked to take it or endure it for him.  Not being made to withstand the lashes from the belt.  But rather offering herself and her body to be his release, his stress relief, to help ease what he has build up inside.

To me, this is the ultimate essence and goal of what Dominance and submission are about.  This is about as deep as it gets and comes from a place of love and devotion.  This is putting your partners needs and well being above and beyond your own.  This is being willing to give all you have to give, and suffer in doing so, not necessarily for pleasure but for the betterment of your partner and caring enough to need to do that.  

This really did make me think and look at the picture in a different light.  It made me look at what submission really can be and how precious it is when you have that from someone as a Dominant.  Just how far your submissive may be willing to go for your happiness.  Just what she may be willing to endure for you to help you feel better and relive your stress.  This is the beauty of what this lifestyle really can behold.

~DV~

November 15, 2014

The Duality of Domination...

Certainly there are many ways to go about participating in this lifestyle.  We all have our own way of doing it.  We all need different things from it.  Yet, the common core of it is Domination by one person and submission by the other within a relationship together.  This aspect is something that both people need for their respective roles.  It's a part of who they are and they don't feel complete without it.

There are two sides, or a duality, to the roles we choose to adhere to within this lifestyle.  There is an active side and passive side.  Meaning, you can actively Dominate or submit, or you can passively Dominate or submit.  As a Dominant, submission from your partner is gained over time.  It is earned.  You become respected in your role as a Dominant by your actions and being the person the submissive has come to need, desire, and crave.  You didn't get that submission by just sitting around, beating your chest, roaring, and calling yourself a Dominant.  You didn't get that submission by just demanding submission.  You gained it over time by actively being the Dominant you claim to be.  You got it by your actions reinforcing your words.  You got it by assuming and taking on that Dominant role and the submissive being able to see and believe in you as that leader.

The problem that can arise in many relationships is the Dominant not maintaining the active role in Dominating.  Once he has a submissive he becomes more passive in his approach.  He doesn't feel as though he has to actively Dominate and the the submissive should just submit, obey and serve in belonging to him.  To a degree, this can be acceptable.  He has earned his place as her Dominant and she should submit because of that.  She should submit because he is the Dominant and in charge.  She should submit and serve because she needs to do that for him.  Yet, being constantly passive and just expecting submission without putting forth effort will lead down a path of destruction in the relationship.

The active Domination is what gained her submission in the first place.  It is what earned her trust and respect in how you Dominate and show yourself as a leader.  It is what fills her needs as a submissive by having you be that Dominant she desires.  Throughout the relationship you must continue to actively be Dominant with her.  This is what she needs to feel from and with you.  This is where she really feels her submission, which is what she needs.  She needs to see and be reminded that you are that person she fell for, cares for, and the one she gave her submission.

Domination and this lifestyle is not about doing all the work on the front end so you can sit back and coast later.  It's not about just being able to always sit back and have someone serve you.  If a Dominant doesn't continue to fuel the submissive fire within his submissive, then that fire will begin to fade.  Problems will arise if she doesn't continue to have more fuel put on the fire, as the old fuel burns away.  It is a constant effort to maintain any relationship, and one that has the aspects of Domination is no different just because there is some power exchange involved.  Her submission is never to be taken for granted, and you must continue to earn it to keep it.

In an established relationship, there does not have to be a constant level of active overt Domination.  Her submission has been earned, and that comes with a certain level of being able to Dominate just because of your role, or passively Dominating.  Yet, there is a balance that must be maintained and kept to keep the relationship in order and on track.  A balance between being able to use your Dominance based on what you already earned versus what you have to continue to earn.  A Dominant, although maybe not as much as early on, has to keep actively Dominating his submissive to enable her to feel what she needs from you and keep that fire burning.

Don't just sit back and expect your submissive to be at your beck and call with no effort on your part.   Continue to physically Dominate her through the  relationship.  Continue to push and test her submission.  Continue to show her where her place is with you.  Continue to use and enjoy her.  Continue to make her submit to you and give her no other option.  Or at least do this enough to maintain the balance of the relationship.  After all, it's who you both are and what you both need from each other.  Any relationship takes work, and this is no exception.  Yet the rewards an be great and help you keep a strong, lasting, and close relationship that fulfills the needs of you both.

~DV~