January 20, 2014

Transitioning to D/s... (Part 2)

Thanks for all the comments on my last post.  It's great to have your thoughts and be able to read your own experiences from both sides of this...starting out with D/s in the relationship versus trying to transition an existing relationship.

The following is part of a message I got from a nice lady.  Her and her husband are trying to transition into D/s and bring this dynamic into their existing marriage.  I thought this was a good example of some of the very problems that can face couples trying to move into this.  Especially when they are having to feel their way along, and neither has experience to be able to help move things along.  I commend her for reaching out for help to try to find answers to assist them in their journey.

My husband and I have embraced a D/s relationship. We are on the beginning of this journey.
I find that when we are engaged in a scene I get "lost" and forget our rules. This has happened a few times and we did have a conversation about it, but have really not come up with a solution. I feel like I'm a terrible sub. I was the one who initiated this journey and can't even seem to follow the simplest of rules. My husband has been making a great effort to embrace this role.  
I don't think it's proper for me to tell him what to do (topping from the bottom?)

So what now?

My answer was as follows:

Thanks for the message. I understand your issue and think this is fairly common for those that are new to this. Especially those that have been together a while and are trying to make the transition from where your relationship has always been and into a D/s dynamic. That can be a difficult move at times. I believe that the two of you knowing this is an issue and seeing it is the first step. You can't fix a problem or make a correction when you don't see the issue to begin with. So good for you two for seeing this as an issue and wanting to correct it. In theory it's a fairly easy fix...in practice maybe more difficult. But certainly with some time and consistent attention to it it can be corrected.
Basically you both have to re-wire your thinking and how you do your relationship. You both say you want this, but then in reality you aren't fulfilling your roles. You want to submit, but then you don't and break the rules. He wants to Dom, but then doesn't and allows you to break the rules. He has to step up and take charge when you break the rules, and not let you get by with breaking them. He has to call you out on it and hold you accountable. You need to set up a system where there are consequences for breaking the rules...one that you agree to go by and he agrees to follow through with. You are only breaking the rules because you can get away with it. He also has to step up and put you in your place when you do get out of line. Over time this will reinforce his position for him and that you will submit to him and go by the rules you two have agreed upon. It will also reinforce your place as his sub for you, knowing you have to follow the rules or there are consequences, and that he will be consistent in following through with holding you accountable for your actions.
So I think it's a combination of both of you that have to take action to correct this. It won't happen overnight, but will eventually sink in for each of you. It takes time to move from what you have always done and how you've always been for each other, to be this new person for each other and have this new dynamic. It takes each of you staying the course and being consistent, even when it gets hard or you don't feel like doing it. Eventually you will both feel your place and it will become more natural.
This couple is obviously struggling in trying to get their feet under them and make this work.  From the sound of it, they both want it to work, but figuring out how can be difficult.  I will re-affirm that I think it's wonderful they see there is an issue and are willing to reach out for advise.  So many people would just flounder around on their own, so that's a huge first step.  
I personally do not see her trying to give him her input as topping from the bottom.  At this point, she can't expect him to know everything to do, and when she sees aspects of their relationship and dynamic that she feels needs to be addressed, then she should do just that.  As stated in the last post, communication is everything.  They have to be able to talk these things through and each give their thoughts and input.  They have to be open to listening to each other to try to make this work.  I have always been a proponent of receiving my subs input, thoughts and views.  I want to know how she feels and what she thinks.  By getting this from her it helps me be and do better in my Dominance of her.  Yet, it doesn't mean she is topping from the bottom...only helping us both learn and grow in what we have to make our relationship and dynamic stronger.

One thing we should all keep in mind when considering all of this...there is no right or wrong way to do this.  So please don't get hung up on thinking it has to go a certain way, or be done step by step in some way.  None of that matters.  All you have to do is what works for you and your partner.  Figure out the parts and pieces you like and want and leave the rest out.  Some may say they have no idea what they want or how to do this.  Well you know what...don't take it too seriously, especially in the beginning.  This is supposed to be fun and what makes you happy.  So have fun with it.  Have fun learning and exploring together.  Enjoy the ride and the journey in doing and learning this with someone you care about and want to be with you in this.  The technicalities of whether it's Dom/sub, Master/Slave, whether you're doing it right, whether you are Dom and or sub enough, that all ultimately doesn't matter one bit.  Just do what you like and try to make it work the way that is best for you.  Exploring, learning and experimenting...that's half the fun.  
I'm sure there are aspects of this I have left out in response to her, so feel free to add your thoughts by commenting.  Of course, your own experiences and views on this are always welcome.

January 18, 2014

Transitioning to D/s... (Part 1)

I have been asked many times over the years which I think is easier...starting a relationship with a D/s dynamic or transforming an existing relationship into a D/s dynamic.  I even receive messages from people in existing relationships that want to bring D/s into what they have, and asking for help and advice.  Whether just starting out or being in an existing relationship, each has their good and bad points.  But by far I think it's easier to start a relationship with D/s in mind than to change over an existing relationship.  This doesn't mean that it can't be done by any means.  I just believe it to be easier to start fresh with D/s in mind.

Starting fresh, with the intention of the two people involved being that of Dominant and submissive, establishes the dynamic right from the start.  You go into it knowing the dynamic and what may or may not be expected.  You can take that and build on it from the beginning, and do so with your respective roles in mind.  This doesn't mean that two people automatically jump right in, as it still takes time.  You have to get to know each other, learn about each other, learn about how D/s would work for the two you, learn how each of you sees this type relationship, and learn each others wants, needs, and desires within what you intend to build together.  It takes time to build the knowledge of each other, the trust and the respect needed and that is such a big part of these relationships.  Yet, purely from the perspective of the respective Dominant and submissive roles, I believe starting this way is the easier route, since both of you are going into it knowing this is what you want and need as part of your relationship.

For an existing relationship, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome.  The two people have a lot of history together and see each other a certain way.  Usually one develops an interest, or uncovers their desire, in a D/s dynamic, and eventually takes this interest to their partner.  Getting their partner to understand their desire and get on board with it can be a challenge.  Getting their partner to try to understand what is involved and to take on this new role can be a challenge.  Each of you learning as you go and trying to make this work can be a challenge.  Especially when you have a history together, have always seen each other and conducted your relationship in a particular way, and now you are wanting to totally change all of that.

Getting your partner to look at you and all you have together differently can be tough to do.  They may have always treated you nice and with total care and respect and now you are asking them to control you, hurt you, Dominate you, etc...  OR if reversed, you are asking your partner to submit to you, let you control them, let you do "evil" things to them, and expecting them to want and enjoy it.  This is a huge shift from where most existing couples have been, and this transition can be extremely difficult.

On the plus side for established relationships, the history you have can be very beneficial.  You already know each other, love each other, and have developed a deep bond and connection.  You know all about your partner (although not near as much as you are about to learn), and know their likes, dislikes, personality...all the normal vanilla things that a new couple still has to figure out  Also, there is no rush to move forward.  Being in an established relationship, and assuming you plan to stay together for the long haul, you can take you time and work into this slowly.

So how does an existing relationship transform?  How do you make it work?  Any of you that read my blog and know my views know what I'm about to say...COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING!!!  You have to be able to open talk and discuss this without judgement.  You have to be able to talk to each other and express your thoughts and views without being made to feel bad or looked down upon.  Your talks shouldn't be defensive or argumentative.  They should be about wanting to try to be what you each need for each other, how you can make your relationship better and stronger, and having an open mind to each other.  You have to be willing to share, talk and be open with each other in ways you may never have before.  Being willing to let each other into the deep recesses and darkness within you.  This will take time, but over time it gets easier and will feel more natural.

If you are in an existing relationship and thinking of adding D/s to what you have, I commend you and am all for it.  Just don't jump in expecting it to be an easy transition.  There will be challenges along the way.  There will be hurdles to overcome.  But if you are at this point of wanting this, then obviously it is important to you enough to be willing to face these challenges to achieve what you need.  Many of you have gone through these very transitions.  Some of which I follow in blogland and you all read about as well.  There are many success stories and it is possible to change your dynamic.  So I encourage you to step up and move forward if this is something you want.  The road may be bumpy, but the rewards can be more than worth the journey.  Just keep an open mind and be willing to talk to and be open with your partner.  Without doing that, you might as well not even try.