June 12, 2011

Respectfully Disagreeing (I think?!?!)

I read a post yesterday, and it has had me perplexed.  I can't quite put my finger on what it is about the post and explain what I'm thinking.  So, I'm hoping putting into words on here will help.  The post was written by a Dominant blogger that I respect very much.  The great thing about we Dominants is that many of us are on the same page and respect each others approach and views, yet we can all be a bit different at the same time.  The Dom writes great thought provoking posts that many times really makes me sit back and think.  That is a great thing, as I relish being made to think about different and new angles on topics.  This post did that more than most.  The post is Being One and was written by Sir J on A Dominant Character

The main point in his post, as I read and understand it, is that having a partner isn't about that person making you complete.  They don't complete you.  They don't make you whole.  Sir J surmises that you complete yourself and be able to enjoy yourself alone, and then you decide to make room for others in your life.  I am having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this...which brings me to where I am at this moment.  I am going to something I rarely do with anything Sir J writes.  I am going to respectfully disagree.

I do think you have to be happy with yourself.  A person needs to understand and know themselves intimately.  They do need to be able to enjoy time alone and not be constantly dependent upon other people, or another person.    You can't be a miserable person and not like yourself, and then expect someone else to come along and make it all better.  If you can't even like yourself, and are a miserable person with who you are, then how in the hell can you expect to be able to make anyone else happy.  We all have our flaws and things about ourselves.  That is only natural for us all.  But I am talking about our deep inner psyche and how we see ourselves as a person.  You have to look at that inner self in the mirror and either like who you are or be willing to take the steps to change to who you want to be to get to a place where you do like who you are.  This isn't something you can expect anyone else to do for you.

Now we get to the point where I disagree with Sir J.  Maybe another person doesn't complete you.  Maybe they don't make you whole, as Sir J indicates.  But, they can sure make you feel that way.  With the right partner, everything can feel different.  Things change.  You as a person change.  I think it's the chemistry and connection between two people that cause this change.  Another person, or partner, can make you see things differently than you can do by yourself.  They can open you up and make you face situations that you wouldn't do on your own, or even think about needing to do on your own.  That special person can take you places you never dreamed of on your own.  The right partner can make you see things differently and make you a better person for it.  The right partner can take your inner happiness to a whole new level.

I came across this quote that made me really think about my thoughts versus what I think Sit J is saying:

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung
 I think this quote is true.  Especially when it comes to the chemistry of love and attraction between two people.  You have to be happy with and about yourself as a person.  Yet, when you meet the right partner, the two of you will be able to transform into something bigger and better.  The meshing and reacting of the two of you, as two separate chemical substances, can end up being one chemical substance that works better as a unit.  Each still have their individuality within the reaction, but together they become a much stronger substance.  The biggest difference in chemicals and personalities and psyches is that if this joining of substances happens to end, you should be able to move ahead as a better person for learning from the experience.  A chemical just goes back to being that chemical.

Don't just be a chemical substance.  Be happy with yourself and be happy with your partner.  Allow yourself to open up, learn, and grow because of each other.  Take what you learn and become better for it.  Don't learn nothing and just be a stagnant substance that will never be more than the chemical state that it is.  Transform!  Become better!  Become stronger!  Be a partnership.  You don't have to totally rely on others for your happiness.  Maybe your partner doesn't complete you.  But...they can and will make you a better person and take you places you couldn't go on your own.  Maybe it's not that I disagree with Sir J's position...I just have a different view of it!

(I still love you Sir J) 


  1. Actually, Sir, I think you just underlined Sir J's point. The reason you can be open to experiencing such a wonderful relationship is that you are already whole.

    Jung points out the meeting of "two personalities", not one and a half, or two-thirds and three-eighths. Two people, whole and functioning, can create the type of relationship you describe. Otherwise, it's a dependency situation which gets in the way of open and truthful loving.

    Well written!


  2. Dannah...Thanks so much for your comment. I actually thought that maybe we were saying the same thing to a degree, yet just with a different approach. I just could never get myself to that place completely. You may be every much correct. Maybe we are on the same page and I don't disagree. I may have just needed to come at it from a different side to be able to grasp and understand it myself. :)

  3. I'd have to agree with Dannah.

    In TTWD it is almost required that to fully exercise your inner character a balance to that inner character is required. A sub is not able to exercise his/her sub tendencies without a strong Dom. Yet, TTWD in and of itself is not capable of creating self awareness and development. As a couple, yes, people can grow together...but there must be something as a base to grow on.

    I agree with Sir J, one must have the tools and desire to be a whole person individually. But this is the base. Once they are whole as an individual, then they are able to grow and learn and teach in the company of another...which is where I agree with you.

    Quite a lovely ponder for a Sunday morning. Thank you.

  4. And now, to straddle the fence between two not-really disagreeing viewpoints...

    I agree that you have to be a whole person within yourself before you can be with another person.
    But without love, or some sort of lovish-like committment, many of us still feel slightly incomplete.
    It's not that we aren't whole, per se.
    But we're unfinished.
    We lack the polish, the lick of paint that will make us a finished product.

    One woman's opinion, anyhow...

  5. I like JZ's take and I think we are all saying the same thing. I totally agree that when you meet that 'one' person that they will change you for the better and that together you will make something greater than the sum of it's parts. I know it did in my case.

    My point was more a long the lines that you have to be more or less okay with yourself for that to happen. I think to many look towards TTWD to fix them as oppose to taking a more or less okay person and making them better.

    Great post. (an I love you too DV)

  6. LA and Jz...thanks for your views. They are much appreciated.

    Sir J... Now that you all have voiced your side, I think we are all on the same page. I was just having trouble wrapping my head around what you were saying. I do agree that you have to be good with yourself and can't expect this to "fix" everything. This is a great addition to ourselves and tends to lead us down a path that we all need and enjoy. TTWD can take us a good solid people and make us better. That is the whole point and goal in any relationship. But you do have to have a solid foundation within yourself before you can have one with your partner. How can I not be solid as a person and expect someone to submit to me and me be able to be a good Dominant?!?!

    Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts. Looks like we are all respectfully agreeing after all!


  7. I agree with y'all -_-

  8. Wow, I'm late to the party. I can't say what's already been said, so I'll just leave a thumb's up here.

  9. Excellent points, all. And now for another twist. Sometimes you may be whole but be seeking-then the person you find for yourself does not complete you, but rather reveals to you that you were indeed already whole.

  10. I think it all depends on where you come down on the "codependence or interdependence?" debate. Society right now is very individualistic and tries to make us think codependence is bad and individuality is good. In a different society, that might be seen differently.

    Today, people who are more "you complete me" are seen as "unhealthy" while what Sir J describes is seen as "healthy."

    I myself lean more toward what DV is describing, but I can see how both would work well for partners. I just think it is unfortunate for us to say, "They need each other too much; they are unhealthy." It is a negative judgment based in pop psychology of today.

  11. Sir J said: "I think to many look towards TTWD to fix them as oppose to taking a more or less okay person and making them better."

    Oh my gawd, if I had a nickel for the many times I've seen this situation in the last 1 1/2 years I'd be a millionaire. I've seen it in men and women.

    Good posts DV and Sir J