April 15, 2010

Ownership and Betrayal

Maybe this should be titled "Ownership and Betrayal (or lack thereof)".  I will tell you why I think this.  I saw this picture and it immediately made me think about her being owned.  Not for one moement did I think about the land or actual physical real estate to which I'm sure the sign is referring. 

Maybe I'm a bit off center with my thinking.  Maybe the rest of the world is. I don't know.  But when you are in this lifestyle and you are a Dominant, you look at your submissive or slave as your property, eventually anyway.  She has committed herself to you and you own her.  She has given you the most precious thing possible...herself.  She belongs to you and no one else.  She is yours and yours alone to do with as you so choose.  OK, OK, at least within reason, but that's a whole other discussion.  This is not something you can go out and purchase like any other piece of property.  It's not on the shelf at the supermarket.  You can't get it at Wal-Mart.  you can't order it online.  (ok well maybe you can, but...)  So how does a Dominant come to own a submissive.  YOU EARN IT!  You earn the right to her.  You earn a place in her heart and soul.  This is something that money can't buy.   

So...as usual this got me to thinking.  I consider ownership of a sub to be very simialr to marriage.  Whether you wear a ring or have a formal ceremony makes no difference.  It is the devotiona dn commitment to each other that makes the relationship what it is.  When my mind gets on a subject and it flows here there and everywhere.  Not necessarily in an effort to cover all the angles and possibilities.  It just happens to roam around on it's own picking pieces up here and there.  If you look at traditional relationships and marriages, they come and go.  Divorce rates seem to be as high as ever.  People are having affairs much more commonly these days.  And, this is not just men, but women as well.  Just look at all the websites dedicated to sex, swingers, affairs, etc...  there is even a well known site, Ashley Madison, which is specifically geared towards married people looking for something on the side. 

If we look back at a D/s relationship, you just don't seem to have quite the issues as a traditional relationship, as far as affairs and sneaking around.  Maybe I'm naive and blind.  It is possible!  But they don't seem to be near as prevalent, and you don't hear about it much, whether it's on these blogs, on other boards, or wherever.  I'm not saying that these relationships don't end and last forever.  So do and some don't.  Yet, the style of relationship, the intensity, the level of commitment and time, and the level of mental and emotional involvement seem to lend itself to being a bit more affair proof.  Betrayal of what is the basis of everything in the relationship does not show it's head very ofetn, at least in my opinion.  This could be due to more open communication, and deeper feeling of commitment, and much more being at stake.

Maybe the vanilla world should take a look at BDSM relationships and take notice.  Maybe they could learn a thing or two about what it takes to have a deeply involved relationship.  Maybe I'm totally off base and wrong in this entire post.  Yet, it does appear to me that the ownership of a sub and the lack of betrayal in these relationships seem to be correlated, at least on some level. 

What do you think?  What are your thoughts?  Am I wrong?  Tell me your opinion!


  1. I agree with all that you say, but it is highly possible that many in vanilla relationships do not wish to risk so much, even for intimacy. I’m not sure all aspire to be as close, or as “deeply involved” in counterparts as D/s affectionados hope to be.

    I believe the foremost reason for D/s problems is disharmony of the couple’s fantasy, and different opinions of how such fantasy should play out in the day-to-day upkeep of the relationship. Either that, or kinksters just break up for the very same reason that destroys any other relationship:

    One party believes they can do better.


  2. You're definitely not wrong, DV! D/s relationships, at least the solid ones, require a tremendous level of honesty, trust, and disclosure (with one's self and with their partner) that many traditional relationships seem to forego.

    A Dom demands to know where his sub is at physically, emotionally, and mentally at all times so that he may better dominate and control her. How many husbands and wives do you know out there who have absolutely no idea what their partner is thinking at any given moment? It's staggering! I think that it's precisely this confusion that leads to betrayal. Plus, generally, if there were a significant issue in a D/s context, I believe that the Dom would release the sub or the sub would ask to be released before any significant betrayal would ever occur.

    Thanks for the insight and the great post!
    Take care,
    Baby Girl :)

  3. Maybe I am just pollyanna, or maybe a bit defensive about this, having lived an awful lot of years in a 'plain old' marriage. Absolutely the D/s we've incorporated has made us closer, more in touch, certainly more intimate, and very much more communicative. I don't feel there is more trust now - we've taken the trust we had and stretched it, pushed it, made it work harder; but it's the fact that the trust was there that has allowed us to do all this. Of course I can only see it from my side of the fence, I've never been on the other side (D/s with anyone else in any other context).

  4. I think there is a "perception" that a D/s or M/s relationship has more intimacy, more communication, more of "all" - yet frankly, it seems to me that far more of these dynamics are short-term... They create a sense of intimacy quite quickly (the intensity is undeniable) but I wonder about the longevity of the dynamic; which leads to a questioning of just how intimate they really are. Perhaps we are looking at different aspects of individual personalities. It is possible, I believe, to form attachments that present as powerful and incredibly intimate (and for that period of time, truly ARE) but the proof as they say is in the pudding... it takes more than sexual intensity and immersing oneself in ONE nuance of an individual's personality to maintain a solid, long-term dynamic (and yes, of course some long-term D/s or M/s DO exist, just they are the minority).

    I'm not disputing that they are incredibly powerful- just that suggesting there is less "cheating" or straying is, I think, comparing apples and oranges. In the flush of ANY first love as it were, there is seldom cheating or straying - the proof lies in whether the dynamic in fact maintains that kind of fidelity longterm.

    The other issue of course is that many (by no means, all, but a LOT) of dominants maintain more than one submissive or slave; which begs the question - certaintly not cheating (because that implies without knowledge and behind someone's back) but certainly circumvents the whole straying for a different taste! LOL

  5. I think selkie hit the nail on the head. The intensity of the intimacy in a D/s or an M/s relationship strongly outpaces that of a "vanilla" relationship...but that does not always translate to strength or fidelity.

    However, the dynamic in a power intensive relationship requiring that extra element of spoken and confirmed trust...along with ongoing regular communication may be the requisite glue that holds together certain relationships - ones that would have otherwise failed.

  6. Who are you? If you were vanilla would you say previously I had wives and marriages although I"m single now . So much for long d/s relationships. Why feel the need to put down other peoples choices? A good marriage is a real partnership . I don't know how that is possible when one is owner and one is property.

  7. I appreciate all the comments given. Obviously there are varying views and opinions on this topic, or at least how I approached it. This has given me a lot to think about. I admit, and even did in my post, that I may be naive or incorrect in my views or assumptions on this. I don't claim to know everything or necessarily have ideas set in stone about every topic. This is part of me being willing to grow and learn myself, while trying to look at things from angles I haven't before. We should all be willing to keep learning and growing within our lives, no matter who we are and what we do. I thank you all very much for your thoughts.


  8. Dear DV,
    I like the point you made in your last comment there. I find a lot of pride in some people who claim to "know the score." If one has to brag about it, one probably doesn't have it.

    Any kind of love relationship will bring you to your knees, I think. Of course I think like a sub. Ha! But seriously, love is risky. Lifetime committments can bump into all sorts of obstacles, like children, health, financial issues, in-laws, etc. Hot sex is great, with or without elements of control and/or pain, but it isn't always enough.

    That said, I stayed with one man too long because we had that intimacy of bdsm between us. I felt too exposed to him to move on. He broke up with me anyway, and here I am moving on.
    Thanks for a great topic,