April 24, 2011

SOS - DV Needs Your Help!

Ok, my ship isn't really sinking, but I am here today to ask for your assistance.  I have been asked by one of my followers about a situation.  Honestly, I don't know the answer to this.  Yes...believe it or not, DV has been stumped.  But I also am not ashamed to admit when I don't know something.  When you don't know, the best thing to do is tap all the resources you have, and try to find the answer.  Anyway, she gave me permission to post this and ask for the assistance and opinion of you all.  So, here we are!  (and no I won't disclose who it is, so don't even ask!)

I have written quite a bit about submissives.  I have talked about the discovery of the submissive side of a woman, and a lot of what she goes through, from first discovery, to acceptance, and way beyond.  I have even talked about vanilla women finding their true inner self (submissive), and ones who didn't even know they were submissive, or were even trying to find out.  Yet, they discovered this about themselves, and found out what they had been missing for a large portion of their life.  They had no clue what was missing, or even how to look for it, no less in bdsm, but once it was found, they realized that they felt more at peace and at home than ever before.

The issue comes into play for me when we switch this around and talk about a Dominant.  Sure, a Dom discovers himself at some point as well.  I did!  But other than myself, I really have no experience with the discovery of the Dominant side of a person.  I have only dealt with submissives.  Most of what I know about other Doms I have rad online.  In the case of my follower, she is a known submissive, and has been for years.  She has experience, and knows what she wants, likes and needs. 

So the question, or questions, for you all, my faithful followers and readers, is this:

Can a vanilla man with a dominant personality become a good Dominant or Master?  There are undoubtedly men out there that have "it" inside of them, but don't know it.  How does a woman go about releasing this inner Dom within someone who doesn't even know about it?  Can a submissive woman help guide a Dominant vanilla man to be a Master over her?  Can this be done without topping from the bottom?  Is this really even possible?  There are vanilla couples that progress and move into D/s dynamics within their relationships, so how do they do it and arrive at that point?

My general thought is yes it can be done.  It's the how that I'm not sure about. I know I have read some blogs before where the dynamic is just such as this.  I just can't remember who's blog it is.  So here I am asking you all for help, thoughts, views, opinions, etc...  Give some good advice, and better yet insight, to my dear follower.  And of course she will be reading this, and all your comments.  I look forward to being able to learn something from this as well, and better myself from it.

Feel free to ask questions if you need clarification or further information, and I will provide it as I can.  Thanks in advance to all of you, and I look forward to your comments and responses.  


  1. Honestly? I don't think anything in this lifestyle can work without open communication. If someone wants their partner to become their Dominant or Master, then they would have to communicate this with them and go from there. I think it's just as wrong for a submissive to try and bring out their partner's inner Dom without their knowledge... as much as it is wrong for a Dom to do the same with their "submissive" partner.

  2. Just so we are clear, I'm not at all, and neither is my follower, suggesting that this is done on the sly. It would be very much communicated and in the open. The question is how easily can this be done with a vanilla man, or can it be done at all.


  3. Oh... well that changes things. Of course... we all start out as vanilla at some point or another, don't we? I guess it would be a question of whether or not he's really a dominant man and whether or not he's interested in the lifestyle. I don't believe it's possible for a man to be a "dominant" if it's not already in his nature. But it is possible for him to take the role as head of household.

  4. Thank you, Sir, for the question! i came out to my (vanilla) husband as kinky in Dec 2010, and He agreed then to work with me toward a D/s dynamic that works for us. My single piece of advice is *patience*. Just like it took us subs (or at least me...) months, sometimes years, to come to terms with what we were, it takes Doms a while, too. (Even with help.) A lot depends on how deep His social conditioning is and on how aware of/afraid (yes, afraid) He is of His "inner sadist." The media sensationalizes every reference to D/s and the leather lifestyle that no matter where Your friend falls on the spectrum, it's likely her vanilla man will have to get past some of the assumptions planted in all of us by such depictions. So: baby steps.

    i can't tell You what will help her, but i can say what's helped me. It's been tough to balance "being a pest" with pinning Him down and making Him *talk* about it with you, but that's helped us along the way--communication. i've had to learn (which i should have known already, but oh well) that He can't read my mind, He is going to be nervous about "hurting me," and i have to make my desires explicit (and make LOTS of appreciative noises when He does). Once He realized that this is what i *want*, it started to be sexier for Him. In the context of dealing with a "vanilla Dom," asking explicitly is appropriate, or at least i believe so. There's a difference between communicating and topping from the bottom.

    There's SO much more i could say, but i'll stop to keep my comment from being pages long. Suffice it to say that i know for a fact that if Your friend does decide to try discovering the Dom in a vanilla man, she'll be *very* far from alone. And if she wants to talk, there are many subs (including me!) who will offer support. It's been a long journey, but *such* a rewarding one thus far.


  5. My two cents is that she bring it up at a good (quiet, peaceful, connected) time. To follow her gut as far as the words to use to express this desire in her. Then it all depends on how he responds. If this is already an established, trusting relationship, it still might throw him For a loop of course, but I do believe he will be open to her, as long as she brings it up without any expectations. Of course it's normal to hope he is receptive, but if He is a dominant man by nature, then I would suspect He will handle her sharing in a way that will make her glad she brough it up.

    I admire her..

    Good luck:)


  6. I came out kinky to my husband after 28 years together. We just hit 29. It's taken a year of learning how to better communicate, long periods of adjustment for both of us, and a little topping from the bottom (at least in the beginning), but we are pretty solidly in the D/s category now. Lots of very open communication,patience on the part of both parties, and baby-steps will get you there.

    If you're looking for other bloggers who began married life as vanilla try Xantu Magic, and Vanillamom.

  7. My part to add is patience, patience, patience. Topping from the bottom is the best way at the beginning in my opinion. She needs to teach him what is OK with her and that it is alright to give her pain or bondage, or whatever it is she wants from him. Our society has tried to breed out Dominance in men. To make us more metrosexual. He will have to unlearn that, I did. It's hard to get past the causing a woman pain thing. I was raised by a strong mother, so I had a difficult time with it until I found out my sister was a Domme and assured me it was OK and nothing to be ashamed of. I hope this helps your friend.


  8. I would like to mirror many of the thoughts already expressed. It will certainly take time. I was in many ways in the same situation as your followers partner. I played a lot of online MMOs. All of my characters were Dominant, but I didn't really realize it. I just put myself and my personality into the character and they came out that way. I submissive friend I met in one of the games brought me into the light so to speak. She was the first to say "You;re a Dom"

    I agree strongly with William about society's role in squashing and villifying Dominance in men. Society has failed to separate Dominance from abusive. your follower might get lucky and her partner will finally have that light go on in his head , or she might have to undo all the brainwashing he has received from society.

    One thing she might try as a path to introducing D/s into their lives is to wait till they are alone and relaxing. If he is sitting on the couch, or in a chair go and just sit. or kneel at his feet. When he asks her what she is doing the ice is broken and the talking can begin.

  9. Thanks so much to everyone for your comments. They were all very well worded and thought out. I appreciate that. Lots to consider and think about, yet most of it basic and common sense. Communication, patience, baby steps, trust. Thanks to all!


  10. I wish I could help more, but I do know it is possible. A few of the more vanilla men I have been with since I started thinking about this submissive side of myself have told me that my deep submissive desires made them want to be more dominant. Communication and patience are key. :)

  11. Yes. It does happen. I am a latent Dominant. I think I always had these tendencies but it never really worked. I stumbled into a relationship with a latent submissive. She had never had a submissive thought in her life but it just worked for us. I am unsure what triggered the discussions that led to this path. I think we approached the relationship with openness and honesty.

    For the last year we have been exploring this side of ourselves and have to say we have a beautiful relationship. I feel more alive then I ever have been. So much so that my life is turning for the better!

    It is because of the desire to be a better Dominant that I stumbled on your Blog and frankly am deeply impressed. The words you have used are beautiful and my submissive agrees. Thank you

    -- Master Tim