April 16, 2011

Let Her Be Your Strength

I read a couple of posts this morning that moved me and got me to thinking.  Did you feel the ground shake just a bit?  No, it wasn't another earthquake or aftershock in Japan...it was just me and the wheels in my head turning at warp speed.  One of the posts was by Kitten for Sir and was titled His, mine, O/ours.  The other post was written by Sir J at A Dominant Character, and was titled But why do you do it?  The general theme of both of these posts is a Dominant dealing with a problem or stressful time, and the role of His submissive during this time.

I won't get into the specifics of these posts, as you can read them yourself.  But these posts got me to thinking about what I want, need, and expect from my partner in times of stress and turmoil.  First let me touch on what I think is not only a typical Dominant response and attitude, but one of men in general.  I think as a Dominant, we want and need to be involved with all that happens with our sub.  We expect her to share with us what all is happening with her, so that we can help and guide her with any problem or issue she may have.  We can even demand that she share these things with us.   We consider this as a responsibility of ours to be able to do this for her.  She belongs to us, and her problems are our problems.  In my case, I not only feel it is my duty and responsibility, but something I want to do for her.  To help her in any way I can, and be there for her through anything and everything.

Yet, when we Dominants have an issue, endure struggles, or face controversy and frustration, we tend to keep it to ourselves.  We don't want to bother our submissive with our problems, or burden them with it.  We are big, tough, strong Dominants!  We don't need anyone's help.  We can deal with our own problems.  We tend to internalize all that happens to us and keep it inside.  We feel the need to find a way to handle it and deal with it ourselves.  Sharing our problems, in the male mind, is a sign of weakness to us.  We can feel like it diminishes our role and the person we are, if we seem weak and open ourselves up.  We are supposed to be superman and be able to deal with anything that is thrown our way.  Apparent weakness is our Kryptonite.  It is the worst thing that we could possibly imagine.

I have touched on this before at times.  Is appearing weak really a bad thing?  I don't think so!  I think it shows we are human.  Is opening up with our issues, struggles and problems really a sign of weakness?  I don't think so!  I think it is a sign of strength.  It is a sign of feeling secure about whom you are as a person and with your partner in your relationship, and not worrying about what others view of you may be.  This can be true for any relationship, and not just a D/s dynamic.  But, I think it is even more important in this type dynamic.  We as a Dominant ask our submissives to respect and trust us in every way, and to do so on a level much deeper than she may have ever done before.  Don't we owe them the same amount of trust and respect?  Absolutely!  For me, I want and need her love, and her care, and her support, and her views to help me get through tough times.

I think almost all submissives would do anything they could for their Dom.  They want to be there for them.  Not just as a submissive, but as a supportive partner.  I, personally, want all she has to give me.  She has given of herself completely...mind, body and soul.  That doesn't mean a Dom should just use her for His pleasure, control her, and make demands of her, and that is all.  She isn't His to just to feed His Dominant needs and desires.  She is a person with her own thoughts and views, and has a lot more to offer than just her body.  She is your most trusted ally.  She is your rock.  Together the two of you make up the foundation of all that you have together.  You should never discount her in any way.  You should take advantage of all she is and can offer you.  Your relationship isn't completely about Dominance and control 100% of the time.  There are moments when you are on more of an equal footing.  I encourage you to take advantage of this, and let her feed your soul.  Let her support you and lift you up.  Let her encourage you.  Let her help you gain some traction and move past whatever struggles you have.

I believe in the long run, it is scenarios like this that will make your relationship stronger.  It will bring you closer.  It will let her learn to trust and respect you more.  You have opened up and shared your own problems, and she has been able to lift you up and help you conquer.  She can see that not only do you require this of her, but you are willing to do the same.  You are relying on her as much as she is relying on you.  Let her be your strength.  Once you do, the two of you will become stronger than either of you can ever achieve on your own. 


  1. nicely put and thanks for the nod

  2. Great post. I completely agree. There should be times where as a sub, I can help my dom, especially if he is stressed, or vulnerable, or is the one needing that shoulder. I view it as giving more of myself, not as the other person being less "domly" or weaker. We're all human!

    I know some people do it, but I don't think one can be "on" and be a certain way all the time, and a relationship should reflect that and have room for those different aspects.

  3. Very interesting. You have described any relationship D/s or no.

    There is of course the bigger picture which could be mentioned here. The prevalence of mental health disorders such as clinical depression and bipolar disorder in men (in developed countries) is lower than in women. Figures are misleading though as it is suspected there is a great deal of under-reporting by men, for which you have suggested some reasons above. This in turn, leads to a higher incidence of men at risk of suicide and harmful behaviours going undetected.

    I applaude you raising this. Sharing a problem, a stress, is not a sign of weakness. Shared with a trusted other, it is a source of strength.

  4. kk and Sir J...You're very welcome!

    Lea...Thanks for the comment. I agree with your assessment. Being there to help him is being there and giving yourself to him even more. And no one can be strong and have their A-game showing all the time. We all have variations and moods we move through.

    littleOne...You brought up something I had never even considered. I was looking at it as just general life stress and such. But there are circumstances, like health that you mention, which can cause issues on a much deeper and longer running level. thanks for pointing that out.