March 20, 2011

Chemistry 201

In our last chemistry class (if you are new here scroll down and read Chemistry 101 first) we learned about attraction and connection between two people.  Well...let me digress...we learned about DV's view of it and what he likes, wants, and needs with a woman.  And yeah, I referred to myself in the third person.  Don't you hate that?!?!  LOL! we move onto our next class.  I have talked in several prior posts about feelings and emotions.  Most of this has been angled towards women and/or a submissive.  In my "Chemistry" series, I am trying to give you some more insight into my mind, my emotions, and what I want and need.  It may be a scary view once you get a glimpse, so you have been warned ahead of time. ;)

One thing I wanted to touch on is my need for connection and being Dominant.  This was even more brought to light by an email I received in reference to my post "Chemistry 101".  In this email, my ability to Dominate was questioned based on me being too "touchy feely" with my emotions and too feminine acting.  That a Dominant is supposed to be more hardcore, strict and course in his actions and approach.  That I shouldn't be so openly expressive about my emotions to a submissive and my need for her, as it sounds submissive in itself.  It makes me sound weak.  I am paraphrasing, but that is the gist of it.  What do I have to say about that?  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!! The funniest part of the whole thing, is I never even got mad about it.  If this person was trying to get under my didn't work.  In fact, it made me laugh, as this person really has no clue or understanding of what it means to be so in tune with their partner.

Let me explain this a bit further.  For males especially, it can be very hard for us to openly express our emotions and feelings.  It is not viewed generally as characteristic of a strong man.  This is a stereotype that has been around forever.  I don't like it and think it's a bunch of crap.  I think it shows that I am strong and I am secure with who I am.  I think that if you can't talk about, realize, understand, and express your own emotions, wants, and needs openly with your partner, then you are the weak and insecure one.  It takes a strong person, male or female, to be able to open up and tell their partner all they are holding inside.  To be able to share like that takes strength.  It is making you vulnerable to your core, and most men avoid that at all cost.  I'm not suggesting this will work, or should be done by everyone.  This is just me, who I am and what works for me personally.  But I do think that being as open as possible has much more upside than downside.

So, by now you does this translate into D/s (or whatever dynamic you are in)?  I will tell you!  As a Dominant, and like many other Dominants out there, I expect my partner to be open and fully communicate with me.  Is it fair and just for me to require and ask that of her and not be willing to do that myself?  Not at all!  This isn't a one-way street.  She needs to be able to understand me, my needs, and my desires to be able to be the best for me she can be.  Just as I need to fully understand hers to be as good as I can be in her eyes.  How can I expect her to be her best if I'm not willing to share my thoughts and feelings with her?!?!  She isn't a mind reader.  She may try her best, because she doesn't want to disappoint, but running blind like that is a recipe for disaster in my book.  Be open, be on the same page, and be willing to work with your partner.  This is the only way to make it great!

Now let's take this one step further.  If we look back to my original post, I talked about chemistry, connection, attraction, and the feeling that you have met your eternal soul mate.  Isn't this what you want in a D/s relationship?  It should be! You should want that complete and total connection with someone.  Someone that makes you feel complete and whole.  Someone that makes you feel more special than you ever have before.  And this is before we even bring D/s into the equation.  D/s requires respect for each other, a lot of trust, and there are a lot of raw emotions that become involved.  So why on earth would you not want your partner to be this total connection I have spoken about.  Not just a mutual interest in D/s, but a connection on every possible level.  When you have this connection and feel as one emotionally, then everything you do can be taken to new heights.  You can experience things like never before.  It can take you higher than any drug you can think about.

Without the emotional connection, you will always be lacking.  You can never reach as high as if you did have it.  It is something extremely special.  As a Dom, you will be able to push her further and harder, based on her trust, respect and the connection the two of you have.  Without this connection, the two of you will never be able to fully reach your potential.  There will always be a roadblock.  With the connection, the sky is the limit.  Who knows how far the two of you can go and what all you will experience together.  But together, feeling as soul mates, and connected with each other like never before in your life...that is one ride that I know for sure I don't want to miss.


  1. thank you for everything! i love you! ;)

  2. DV - once again, a wonderful post... thank you!!


  3. To me this is common sense and just Emotional Intelligence recognised.
    A man, Dominant or not, is more a man when he recognises the significance of what you have expressed here.
    Shame your emailer did not recognise this.

  4. I agree with you. We put ourselves on the line and while we don't come out and ask you to do that. We definitely appreciate it and value it. It makes couples more connected.

    However, most men aren't comfortable with it. That doesn't mean that those who are willing to do it are weak. That is just stupid. In fact I think it takes a certain amount of extra courage.


  5. Thank you all for your comments and I appreciate your support. Sometimes, especially for us men, we need the common sense and what should be obvious layed out and put in plain English (or whatever language you speak since we are from all around the world). As with many things, there are times we are too close to a situation to be able to see it as clearly as someone on the outside. A little reassurance and nudge in the right direction is never a bad thing. :)


  6. DV-- I am really quite blown away by this post, mainly because you have pegged me to a "t," so to speak. What's funny about my relationship is that lizard is the one who is not very expressive, at least when it comes to bedroom stuff. she is very expressive in other realms. But as long as she is obedient in bed, she need not be expressive, as far as I am concerned.

    And I totally agree that being a sensitive or expressive male is a very good quality.

  7. I love and agree with everything you say here. How can two people really get to know and understand each other without communication, openness..and the trust that develops from the freedom & ability to do so? And yes...that connection opens the flood gates to infinity... :)

    It's a quality that most men ought to seek...yet few do.

    A. :)

  8. Im with anonymous, Love ya baby.
    Great post.

  9. I agree that for a Dom it can increase power, not take away from, to allow and express emotions. On the flip side, this made me think about how, for a sub, it can increase submission to manage emotions and not always express them the second we feel them whenever we feel them, at least for those of us who are further on the sensitive side.

  10. Tom...
    Thanks for the comment. It speaks very well of you that this so well describes you.

    I agree...there would be a lot more happy women in the world if more men sought some of these qualities. :) I love this phrase though..."that connection opens the flood gates to infinity".

    Thanks so much! Between you and Anon, you two are going to make me blush. ;)

    The thought or idea that suppression of emotions could increase submission. That a very interesting concept. I would love a more thorough explanation and examples of what you mean by that. Feel free to leave it here in the comments, or you can email me for a discussion about it. I hope you respond back on this. Very interesting!


  11. Sure thanks.. not necessarily suppression but to be aware and more in control of them so that they don't control us over our Dom. I for one, and I think some although not all subs are like this, am sensitive, emotional, and these are my strength and can be a weakness too, when I lose control. Basically, reflecting on my own limited experience with submission it seems that the less I *submit* to my emotions the more I can submit to Him. For example, being in a long-distance situation I sometimes feel intense feelings of insecurity fear etc and that is normal. At the same time when I yield to those emotions over my trust and commitment my submission is compromised. It takes on-going effort to manage my emotions without ignoring them, but this helps to maintain focus on my submission, especially in those moments of emotional worries. Speaking for myself, emotions can trick me and lead me astray, but when my submission comes first, my emotions can be beautiful in their place. Feelings are important of course and shouldn't be ignored by either sub or Dom, but they also shouldn't be allowed to have more power over a sub than the Dom's power..

  12. wow DV i have thoroughly enjoyed reading your Chemistry 101 and 201 and i just wanted to say i think your brill never mind what that emailer thinks. It takes a lot for a Dom to say what you have said in your posts and there is nothing weak in that whatsoever.

    Great posts Sir

    blossom xx

  13. k...
    Thanks for further expanding on that. You weren't going as far off base with things as I thought. I can agree with what you are saying. The emotions I'm speaking of are more specifically about your submission and your Dom, and being open with him and when with him. The one you mention specifically is the fear and wandering based on being apart. I can see where holding that back can be a better choice. It's all in the situation, timing, and the details. In the case you mention, yes I think holding back those emotions and fear can make you concentrate more on your submission, and be a better sub for Him. Thanks so much for the further details.

    I'm glad you have enjoyed the series so far. I hope I can continue, for you and many others, to offer some thoughts, views, and insight that is beneficial and helpful.