March 8, 2011

Kick The Ego To The Curb

The male ego is strong and powerful thing.  It can help us stand our ground, and drive us to push through situations we wouldn't normally attempt.  Many times this is done in order to save face and avoid looking weak in front of others.  This ego especially kicks in when we males don't know or are not familiar with something.  Rather than admit we don't know, we will bullshit our way through it as to not look weak in not knowing.  Once this behavior starts and continues over time, it becomes habit.  It becomes ingrained in us.  It is our natural reaction and how we respond to everything.  This where the problem begins. 

I have spoken with quite a few women over the past few years.  Ones that I have met online, through my blog or other means.  Whether it's general conversation or someone has emailed me about a specific topic, there seems to be a common them with many men out there...a disconnect between men and women.  What do I mean by this?  Over and over again I have heard about how men don't know what they are doing sexually.  They know very little, do the same thing over and over, and aren't willing to try something new.  The women on the other hand want more...need more.  They want to be satisfied.  They want to feel like attention is being paid to their needs.  They want to try new things and get outside the box a little bit.  This has nothing to do with whether you are vanilla or into bdsm.  It can cross all borders. 

Now we come back to the male ego.  As previously stated, he either knows or will act like he knows everything.  He will try to put up a strong front and be as masculine as possible.  But what is this really doing?  It is hurting him and his partner.  It is being narrow minded and unwilling to look into new things, especially at the suggestion of someone else.  The downward spiral has begun.  He won't look at new things, thinks he knows what he is doing, and won't entertain new ideas...all in order to save face and maintain his manhood.  Who suffers most from this...his partner.  She becomes more and more unsatisfied, and emotionally disconnected.  The longer it goes, the more disconnected she will become, and this will make it even harder for her to find the pleasure she is so badly needing.

So what is the answer?  Take your ego and your manhood and throw it out the door.  My view is that it makes you look stronger to admit things you don't know, have an open mind, and be willing to learn new things.  Just as in D/s we say that it takes a strong woman to submit, it also takes a strong man to admit where he is lacking.  That is half the fun of a relationship....being willing to look at new things together, try new experiences, new techniques, and be willing to be taught as well as teach. 

For a basic example, let's look at him performing oral sex on her.  Maybe he doesn't really know how, so he shy's away from it.  Maybe he doesn't do it exactly the way she needs.   Maybe it's too gentle.  Maybe it's too rough.  The answer is simple.  Ask her and talk about it.  There's nothing wrong with saying I'm not sure about this, so teach me how to make it as good as I can make for you.  It shows you care for her, love her, and want the best for her.  It shows that you are willing to go the extra mile to bring her pleasure.  Mentally and emotionally, this can be huge for a woman and her perception.  She needs to see that you are willing to learn.  Many times that is all she will ask of you.  Just be willing.  She doesn't need you to move a mountain.  She doesn't need everything money can buy.  She just wants to see and feel that you are interested in her enough to be willing to learn and grow with her. 

Not to bring my own ego into this (lol), but this is an area that I pride myself on being able to do.  Even in being Dominant, I pride myself on being able to please my partner, and knowing that I can do that for her.  I do get pleasure from pleasing...albeit in my own special Dominant way.  You can admit when you don't know, learn about it, and still be Dominant.  Anyone not willing to learn and grow and become a better person for their partner is headed for trouble in the long run.  I'm always willing to look at new things and activities, and adjust what I currently do and know how to do to make it better for us both.  As the picture says..."Learn to fuck me right!"  That's a great thing to be able to do and learn.  Be willing to do that.  Be willing to make adjustments and change.  Be willing to admit your shortfalls, and gain from them.  In the end, it will make you both better and happier people, as well as strengthen the relationship and the bonds between you. 


  1. Brilliant Post! Too bad dad's everywhere don't teach this to their sons at puberty.

  2. hear hear! thanks for yet another wonderful post DV!!


  3. great post DV, not too many men like to admit their inadequancies, and it doesnt take too much to assist them in these with the help of a good woman of

    blossom xx

  4. Very well said, now if you could just cc it to every male that would be great, lol!
    Great post.

  5. In know both sides of this. I have been with men who know it all and do it fucking well.
    then there is my own sportsman, who needs some help. and when i try to say it in a constructive way he gets all defensive. my reply is if you dont want me to fucking cheat then you better get your shit together.
    um and that one didnt go over very well either.
    what the fuck?
    got some advice for the sportsman?

  6. LittleMonkey - I agree! I know I wasn't taught much, but at least I had the desire to want to learn.

    kk - Thanks so much!

    blossom - I agree! A good woman can show you a lot. All you have to do is be open enough to ask.

    submissivebf - If I did would they even listen?!?! LOL!

    KittyCat - I can see where that wouldn't have gone over very well. LOL! Obviously, I don't have any direct experience in dealing with this type of man like sportsman. All my knowledge comes form women such as yourself. But I think you are facing a real uphill battle. Those I have spoken with find it very difficult to break through and get change. It's easy for me to say it requires good open communication. But if they aren't willing to listen and learn, then it is pointless. I'm no pshyco-therapist, so I don't have the answer on how to make them change. And from what I have seen in the past, they may change short term, but then revert back to their normal self.


  7. that picture made me smile... lolol.
    it's so true...
    Great post :)