Differences In Perception (the meaning of "sub" as I see it)

We all see things differently.  That's part of what makes the world go around.  Many times we perceive the exact same thing very differently...and perception can be everything.  I recently had a conversation about subs, and the meaning of that word.  The word was taken too literally, I think, and out of context.  I was sent this definition of the word:

 sub- prefix definition 

1 : under : beneath : below

2a : subordinate : secondary : next lower than or inferior to b : subordinate portion of : subdivision of c : with repetition (as of a process) so as to form, stress, or deal with subordinate parts or relations

3: less than completely, perfectly, or normally : somewhat

4a : almost : nearly b : falling nearly in the category of and often adjoining : bordering on

The context was that a sub is a person who is less than someone else.  A person that is below their Dom, and therefore, is lower than Him in some way.  That they are not equal, and she is beneath Him.  That a sub isn't nearly the person a Dom is, and doesn't carry as much weight or matter as much.  I had to point out that nowhere...I repeat...NOWHERE...in this definition does the word submissive appear.  In my world, and the context I use it, the word sub only means and is short for the word submissive.  In no way do I feel like a submissive is below me, beneath me, or any less of a person.  We may be able to argue this a bit differently in a M/s relationship, but even in that dynamic it is a consensual agreement between them.  Granted, this is how I view a submissive and how I feel about it.  Some of you out there may see it differently.  But this is my world, and in my world, my views are what matter to me and with those I interact.  With me it is about mutual trust and respect.  It has an element of one being in control and the other submitting to that control.  Yet, at the same time it is about mutual love, admiration and adoration.  

I know we all have words we take the meaning of, and they mean something to us personally.  They are words that we absolutely despise.  I have no problem with that.  For some people, you can curse all you want, but if you say the word "fuck" (or insert your word of choice here), then it's like the world is going to end.  Some women, and understandably so, never want to be called a slut or a whore.  I totally respect that and really don't blame them.  Yet, I think it's all about the context.  No woman wants to be called a whore in general terms.  Yet, in the context of our relationship, if I call a woman "My Whore", then that has a totally different connotation to it.  Or at least that's my opinion.  

I was reading the blog Finding Sara a day or so ago.  Sara is involved in a completely voluntary Domestic Discipline relationship with her husband.  In one of her posts she wrote (I'm paraphrasing from a couple of different paragraphs):

I submit to my husband. That’s a choice on both our parts. It does not say anything about my abilities, intellect or ethic as a person…or about his, for that matter.  I do not submit to my husband because he is smarter than I am, a better person, has more vision, drive, or because he is superior. Grant would be the very first person to tell you this is true. I submit because we realized that you cannot have 2 captains on a ship that plans to make it successfully through a lifetime of voyages, especially knowing that there will be rough seas and the occasional storm. Sometimes he even asks me take the wheel, if he thinks it’s best, because he’s that kind of captain. He has come to trust me, knows I am capable, and there have been times when he was not at his best, or I simply knew those particular waters better than he did. A good captain will delegate.

This is great and this is powerful.  This is how I view a D/s relationship.  This is how I want and need it to be.  It has absolutely nothing to do with me being better than my partner, feeling like I am more than her, or feeling like she is below me in some way.  I am Dominant as it is part of me and my personality.  I want my partner to be submissive because it is part of who she is and needs to be.  She wants and needs me to guide and lead her.  She needs my steady and controlling hand.  She needs to be able to submit and enjoy all the wonders that come with that.  She does it because it makes her feel more like herself, and because it gives her a sense of total freedom because it is natural for her.  It has absolutely nothing to do with me feeling like a better person and more than her. 

To me, a relationship is just that...a relationship and a partnership.  It is mutually nourishing and we each compliment the other.  It isn't about one person being any less than the other.  It is about needing each other to make each other feel whole and complete.  That without each other, we are missing an important piece of ourselves, and don’t feel whole.  One where we both contribute and are on board with each other’s needs and desires.  We just happen to have a dynamic involved that many people don't like or understand.  This isn't for everyone.  There is no doubt about that.  But for those that do have a need for a dynamic such as this, it can be and is a beautiful thing.   

So, yes I am Dominant.  Yes, I like to have a submissive partner.  Does this mean I want someone that feels she is below me?  Not even close!  I want someone that has her own opinions, speaks her mind, and isn't afraid to share it with me.  Someone that freely and willingly gives herself to me completely.  And by the way, that is something I value and cherish with all of my being.  Someone I can let be the "Captain" when needed.  Someone that wants input and knows her voice will be heard.  Someone that wants my guidance and trusts me to make the right decisions, yet can feel free to ask me why I do something a certain way.  Not because they question me, my ability, or Dominance and what I'm doing, but because we have that ability as a part of our dynamic.  The ability to question as a way to better understand, and maybe she will even make suggestions I haven't thought about, in order to make things better.   

I understand it is our perception and meaning of words that shape our views.  Maybe this perception is right...maybe it's not.  But we all need the ability to be able to ask for clarification and gain some understanding of a view that is different from our own.  Sometimes a debate or argument is all based on a misunderstanding of a faulty interpretation or perceived gesture.  So for me...I don't want a "sub"...I want a submissive partner in crime.  

Jumbled Thoughts

I know I haven't posted much lately, but after my series on decisions I had to take a step back and evaluate.  Now that I have done that, do you think I know any more than I did?  Or that I have made any decisions regarding what all I poured out into my blog?  Or that all the thoughts running through my head are any more clear than they were?  Let me answer that for you...HELL NO!!!  But really that's ok.  It will all play itself out in time, which is fine with me.  I'm not in any rush at the moment and would rather things move relatively slow, so the best possible decisions can be made. 

Having said all that and getting it out of the way, I have so many thoughts on so many subjects running through my head.  Yet it is all jumbled up and I can't quite figure out how to get it sorted into viable posts at the moment.  It's like your favorite songs being played on the piano over and over again by a beautiful naked woman.  One distracts you from the other, and you have trouble concentrating on either.  OK...OK...we all know I'd be concentrating on the beautiful naked woman, but that's not the point.  I'm just having trouble at the moment organizing my thoughts into coherent subjects I can write about.  I can't stay concentrated on one thing long enough to get it sorted and down on paper.

I was chatting last Friday with one of my readers.  It was asked why I don't have a sub currently?  And told that I would make a great Dom for someone.  Well, if you go back and read some of my older posts, the question can be answered, which relates to the whole "Decisions" subject.  As for me being a good Dom for someone...well, in my jumbled mind, although this truly flattered me, I couldn't come up with good reasons why I would be good for someone, at least at the moment.  I couldn't make good clear sense of it.  Then it came to me!  Nothing about me has changed.  Nothing is different.  I'm the same as I was a few weeks ago.  I've just had a ton of other things on my mind.  I'm not the perfect Dom for everyone.  Never claimed to be!  But for someone...someone that fits into the mold of needing what I have to offer, and their submissiveness fits into what I need them to be, then yes, I would be a good Dom for that person.  Everyone does not fit what everyone else needs.  That's why we are all so different.  That's what makes the world go around...our differences.  When the time is right, and the stars are lined up, I will find that person, that sub, again. 

In the mean time I'll keep dreaming of what may be someday.  I'll keep fantasizing about whoever it is I want to fantasize about at the moment.  I'll keep thinking up new ways to push the limits menatlly, emotionally and physically of a submissive, based on certain criteria.  I'll keep thinking up new things I can do to her to test her submissiveness, and see how far she can go.  I'll keep thinking of new ways to be slow, easy, and passionate, yet still show my Dominance.  It's a never ending process, even when you're alone.  The mind is always turning and in search of new scenes and activities. 

As for today...Today sounds like a good day to be with a naughty, bad school girl!  One that needs some attention and direction to get her back in line.  One that needs a firm hand to show her the err of her ways.  Yep, she needs a spanking soooo bad, and well...I need to give her one.  What?  What did you say?  I'm a dirty old man?!?!  You shut-up!  This is my post and my fantasy!  She's in college and over 18, so leave me alone!!!!  I'll spank her if I want to.  And, since it's my fantasy, I can guarantee you she'll like it and be begging for more as well.  LOL!  She might even call me "Daddy".  I haven't decided on that part yet!  :)

Emerge From The Darkness

Photography by Jessica Tremp

I feel lost...I feel alone...I feel like I'm not me!!!

As some of you know, not too long ago I ran into some family issues that required me to set my sub free.  This was not an easy decision, but something I felt I had to do.  Partly for my sake, because I could not deal with all of this at once, and partly for her sake, because she deserves better and more than I can offer.  This brings me to where I am now. 

In dealing with things that require my utmost attention with my family, I have my good days and my bad days.  Today is one of the days I am feeling a bit down.  I am surrounded by people, yet I feel alone.  I am not allowed right now to be who I am, so in turn I must be who I am needed and required to be.  That causes me some stress.  I have to set aside who I am, and who I love to be, to be able to concentrate on what is ultimately most important...my daughter.

As a Dom, I feel it is important to share my feelings, just as I ask and require of my sub.  Do I see this as I'm weak?  Not a chance!  I see it as I'm able to express myself and share what I'm going through.  In return those around me can better know and understand me and who I am.  In return it will make us stronger in the long run.  We all have our ups and downs...good days and bad.  Should a Dom/Master always be strong and firm and never show emotion.  Absolutely not...at least in my opinion.  Or that's at least how I operate.  A Dom needs to be able to show all sides of himself, and feel comfortable with himself and his feelings in order to be the best he can be.  Only through this can he grow to be stronger and better than before.  This is similar to what a lot of subs say as well.  By giving themselves to another person to be controlled...used...owned...they actually feel more free and alive.  Being able to do so makes them stronger in the end.  More of the person they truly are.  A Dom needs to be able to experience the same things.

So...good days or bad...ups or downs...dealing with them and beng able to work through them will make us stronger.  Feeling comfortable enough to share and be a bit vulnerable will make us stronger.  It will allow us to rely on our friends and to let them help us through the tough times.  That's what friends are for right?!?!  Whether they are friends in your everyday life, or those from cyberland, they are still friends who undertand. 

Make your way through the darkness, hold your head high, and the eventually the sun will beam down on you once again!

Power and Control...or a lack thereof

There is an age old question, or so I believe, about a BDSM type relationship...Who really has the control?  Does a Dom really have control or does he only have control to the extent or level that his submissive gives him, thereby really putting the submissive in control?  One could argue either side of this and also argue it for days.  It is not my intention to get into that aspect of this topic. 

When asked I simply say this...A Dom is nothing without a sub, he is just a man.  A submissive is nothing without a Dom, she is just a woman.  (Swap the genders around to meet your needs)  You can't have one without the other.  A Dominant without a submissive is Dominant of what?  Himself?  His space?  He is just a man with Dominant tendencies and personality.  With a heavy heart and deep sadness, this is where I currently find myself...just a man with the characteristics of who I am.

Although it was a very hard decision to make (grueling actually), due to recent family matters I had to end my current situation with my sub.  It was not due to her at all, and I hated to have to take such measures.  Yet, I had to release her from her obligations to me.  I could not give her the time and attention she needs and deserves, and could not give proper attention to the relationship.  I have too many other worries at the moment to be able to see to her needs and be able to concentrate on our relationship properly.  Therefore, she was set free to be able to try to continue her pursuit of who she is, and hopefully with a loving and caring dominant that meets her needs, is good to her, and can make her all she desires to become. 

I hope no one else ever has to endure such a situation, but I'm sure we all will at one time or another.  It is a gut wrenching experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I do wish her all the best and hope she is able to find everything she deserves to have in a Dom.

Photography by China Hamilton

Once upon a time I loved porn.  Well...not that I don't still, but I'm currently referring to pics especially.  It was all about naked women on the internet.  It was almost an addiction, as I just love the female body and all it has to offer.  As I have matured I have found that I really enjoy atistic nudes and fine art nudes.  Especially those that seem to have some hidden, or not so hidden, meaning behind them.  There are a lot of photographers that do great work in the BDSM area of artistic nudes.  China Hamilton has quite a collection of these style pictures.  Some are obvious in their intent, and some are more subtle.  The above pic is the one I will discuss today.

I won't currently give you the name of the picture, as that would give away the mood behind it.  It also will defeat my purpose of this discussion.  I could get deeper into it, but for now I will keep my thoughts and views simple.  There are two ways in which I tend to view this picture.  One is a sub/pet/slave wanting and needing attention, and the other is the feeling after receiving attention.

I can look at this picture and see a sub that is begging for attention.  One that is wanting and needing to play.  It can come across as a plea to be bound and used, yet not receiving what she nneeds.  there is a look of depression and sadness at not gettting what she feels she needs so desperately.  She feels out of balance and out of place due to the lack of attention and control that she wants, and more importantly...needs, to make her feel complete.

On the other side, I can look at the picture and see a sub that is feeling the after affects of time with her Dom/Master.  It could be that she is exhausted from it.  She could still be in subspace.  She could be disappointed that the scene is over.  She could be wanting more, or she could have had all she can take for now.

I do enjoy pics like this that make you think or wonder what is really going through the mind of the person in the picture.

What do you see when you look at this picture?

To her Surprise...

I am still early in the training process with my sub L.  She has come a very long way since we first began, yet she still has so far to go.  She will be the first to admit this.  Recently I told her I had gone online and purchased some "supplies", which we playfully referred to as toys, to enable me to better use her and to aid in her submission.  For over a week she kept asking what I had bought.  I told her every time she asked that I would not tell her, and she would find out soon enough.  L tried every way she could to trick me into telling her what I bought.  Some might see this as a transgression by her for continually asking after I told her I wouldn't tell her.  Yet for me, I rather enjoyed her torture of wondering and trying to figure it out.  "What could he have bought?  What will he do to me?" In this post I will discuss only one of those items.

When we met earlier this week, as soon as she entered the room we kissed passionately.  Then I immediately pinned her face first against the wall.  I lifted her skirt to feel the bare ass that was underneath, then slid my hand under and began pinching and pulling on the pussy that belonged to me.  To her it didn't matter if I was gentle or rough...pleasured her or inflicted pain...her pussy was getting the attention she had been longing for from her Dom.  We hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks and I knew how horny and worked up she would be.  After a few minutes of getting her soaking wet, I stopped and whispered in her ear.  "Are you ready for your punishment?"  She knew this would happen tonight and was expecting it due to a recent disobedience.  Nothing like a sudden shift of gears from getting so turned on to facing the punishment you knew was to be doled out this evening.

L was taken and bent over the bed to receive her punishment.  After she received it, I told her to stay bent over, as I was not done with her.  Before we go any further, you have to realize that we have had many discussions about ass play and anal sex.  This is something she enjoys and truthfully she seems to be turning into an ass slut of sorts.  She loves the feel, the attention, and knowing that only I can take her ass the way she enjoys, and that giving her ass to me is one of the most submissive acts she can offer.  Yet, to this point, there has only been a bit of play and one time where I have "taken" her ass.  L is bent over the bed still, face down in the sheets, and awaiting what comes next.  I step away and return a moment later.  She doesn't know that I have fetched one of my new supplies...a butt plug.  It is a small one for training, but nonetheless, a plug.  I lube it up and begin to move it around her puckered hole, slowly inserting it.  I move it in and out, almost in a fashion as though I'm fucking her ass with it.  She is wriggling just a bit, and moaning.  In actuality, I'm getting it further and further seated, and finally have it all the way in.  I ask her if she likes my new toy, to which she moans "yes sir".  I said "good, let's go eat dinner".  That is what really caught her off guard.  You could feel the "oh shit" tension fill the room.  I helped her straighten up and off we go.

This is one of the many lessons she is learning.  Never assume you know where things are going, or what will happen next.  Assuming will bite you in the ass every time.  So...L has now gone from overly excited, to the mental anguish of being punished, to the enjoyment of something inside her ass, to the humiliation of going into public with a plug in her ass.  We knew no one where we were going, and expected to see no one.  Yet she is worried the whole time that people seeing her know she has a plug in her ass.  Like they can somehow see with their x-ray vision through her skirt.

She did very well during our dinner and enjoyed her plug.  It was the mental side of it, and being in public, more so than the actual physical pleasure.  She is slowly learning about the possibilities of what may happen to her in public as well as private.  The potential humiliation of being seen and someone knowing is a big issue for her.  Yet, she finds an excitement in it.  L knows that I will not guide her in a wrong direction.  But...she also isn't always sure about where I am going with things either.  That's just the way I like it! 

Take A Good Look In The Mirror

Photography by China Hamilton

Take a good look in the mirror!  What do you see?  Do you see the real you?  Who you really are?  Or... do you see the person that you put up for everyone to see?  The person you want everyone to think you are?  To believe you are?

I saw this picture and it made me think of some of the conversations I have had with my pet.  She has recently, within the past few months, faced the fact of who and what she is...a submissive that needs and craves to be controlled.  She has felt these feelings for years, yet she didn't really understand them.  Over her life, she always loved being a pleaser in the bedroom, being controlled, and wanting to be able to totally let go all her inhibitions and be the slut she needs to be.  Yet, she did not understand these feelings until very recently, and totally understand what these desires she had really meant.  She has stated that she has felt this way her whole life, but didn't really know what to do with it.  No sexual relationship, of the vanilla sort, has ever been very satisfying, but she did not know why and couldn't figure out exactly what she wanted on a sexual level.  Her daily family life and career also require her to be anything but submissive.  She must be strong and in charge. 

Alas... along comes Sir Dauntless!  LOL!  Seriously though, I have been able to help and enable to her to see and much more clearly understand her underlying feelings and desires.  She has voiced her thoughts on how much better she feels and how free she now feels after being able to see the light and better understand herself.  She refers to this as "total irony".  That fact that she has openly accepted who she feels she truly is and that she is submissive and now owned, yet she has never felt more free and better about herself.  With me, she has dropped the mask that everyone sees in her daily life, and let me see and lead the real "her" down this path.  She also realizes that how she was raised to be and act and the false front of what a good girl does and doesn't do has no bearing on this.  I not only expect but require that she be open, kinky, and the slut and whore you truly is and needs to be.

I think there are a lot of people who deny the existence of who they truly want to be, based on what they feel society expects of them.  People are conditioned to conform to what society expects, and so here comes the mask.  The mask that we use to show the world what we think they want to see.  I understand that in some cases, my own included, based on family and work, that the mask can be a must.  Yet...you also need to be able to take it off and be who you really are without holding yourself back and denying even to yourself who you are at your core.  For a lot of people, this can be an internal struggle that is difficult to get beyond, but once you face it and accept it, then it will enable you to be much more free and relaxed than you have ever been before.  This doesn't just apply to BDSM or D/s.  It can be in regards anything in your life. 

So...I challenge you to take a good look in the mirror and see who is looking back at you.  Is it the real you, or the one that is expected of you?  Are you denying your core existence and who you truly are?  If so, maybe it's time to take off the mask and feed the monster just enough to at least see what it is like.  You might just like what you find and how it feels!

The Realization Of A sub

I met my pet a couple of months ago.  We met under the intention of a vanilla relationship, but it didn't take long for us to begin having deep discussions. Through these discussions she revealed to me about her submissive tendencies, and came to the realization that she is indeed a submissive and is in great need of a Dominant male to lead her down this path. The realization has been more of a revelation internally for her, as she now feels she better knows who she is, who she needs to be, and who she wants to be.  She discovered in me as well that I am Dominant and have had a D/s relationship and experience in the past. 

This may all seem a bit odd, or even confusing, for someone not very familiar with a D/s (Dominant/submissive) situation or lifestyle. Yet, it can be very empowering for a sub, as odd as that sounds, to be able to give them-self up to another person. To feel controlled...to feel used...to feel at the direction of another person completely. They have the need to be Dominated. This doesn't mean she doesn't need passion, care, love, support, and kind guidance. In my subs case, it makes her feel free like never before. Like the weight and outer shell has been lifted, to be able to better see and understand the feelings she has had for years, but not understood. And...to now be able to look at the possibilities of being with someone that can give her all she has discovered she needs.

The most interesting part is the mental mindset of someone like this. The thoughts that run through her head. What she thinks about constantly. It has been very enlightening for me to see inside the head of someone like this, as they come to the realization of who they are and feel they need to be.

To better see this I have listed the body of an email she sent to me.  It shows the depth and detail that she thinks about as she was approaching our first meet with a prospective situation and relationship that is new, yet very exciting and enticing.  The mail reads as follows:



As time moves closer, my mind begins to wander.


What will it feel like when we see each other?
How will it feel when we touch?
Will he know at that moment that I am his?
How will it feel to stand before my Dom, my owner, the one I trust with my body, mind, heart and soul?

Will he be dominate from the moment we meet or will that come later?
Will he be pleased with me when he sees me?
Will he kiss me then or will he make me wait, building upon the night.....
Does he know how much I need him?
Does he know how I feel I can't breathe without him?
Does he know that when I think of him, I tremble, not out of fear, but out of excitement, passion, lust, need, devotion....
When he takes me and makes my body officially his, how will I feel, emotionally, mentally?
Does he know my body is his to use how ever he wishes?
Does he know I want nothing but his happiness, for when he's happy, it pours down upon me?
Does he know that I am really his, my submission is real?
Will I feel his approval of my submission by the way he looks at me, touches me, holds me?
How will it feel to be before him, completely bare of anything? Will he be pleased?
How will it feel when our bodies become one?
How will it feel, walking on this path with him, Dom and pet?


How did I ever live without this in my life...............


I personally was astounded and amazed by the thought process and level of thought that went into this for her. Most especially, that she was able to verbalize all she was feeling and thinking.  For me, I sometimes have so many things running through my head that by the time I can get one or two down on paper (so to speak) that six other thoughts have already come and gone.  LOL!

This type situation and lifestyle is not for everyone by any means. A lot of people may even wonder how someone could think or be this way. Some other people may be able to totally relate to it and understand where she is coming from. I just thought it was very interesting and and intriguing, and that I would share it as a differing point of view than many people have or are even aware of in this world.