Emerge From The Darkness

Photography by Jessica Tremp

I feel lost...I feel alone...I feel like I'm not me!!!

As some of you know, not too long ago I ran into some family issues that required me to set my sub free.  This was not an easy decision, but something I felt I had to do.  Partly for my sake, because I could not deal with all of this at once, and partly for her sake, because she deserves better and more than I can offer.  This brings me to where I am now. 

In dealing with things that require my utmost attention with my family, I have my good days and my bad days.  Today is one of the days I am feeling a bit down.  I am surrounded by people, yet I feel alone.  I am not allowed right now to be who I am, so in turn I must be who I am needed and required to be.  That causes me some stress.  I have to set aside who I am, and who I love to be, to be able to concentrate on what is ultimately most important...my daughter.

As a Dom, I feel it is important to share my feelings, just as I ask and require of my sub.  Do I see this as I'm weak?  Not a chance!  I see it as I'm able to express myself and share what I'm going through.  In return those around me can better know and understand me and who I am.  In return it will make us stronger in the long run.  We all have our ups and downs...good days and bad.  Should a Dom/Master always be strong and firm and never show emotion.  Absolutely not...at least in my opinion.  Or that's at least how I operate.  A Dom needs to be able to show all sides of himself, and feel comfortable with himself and his feelings in order to be the best he can be.  Only through this can he grow to be stronger and better than before.  This is similar to what a lot of subs say as well.  By giving themselves to another person to be controlled...used...owned...they actually feel more free and alive.  Being able to do so makes them stronger in the end.  More of the person they truly are.  A Dom needs to be able to experience the same things.

So...good days or bad...ups or downs...dealing with them and beng able to work through them will make us stronger.  Feeling comfortable enough to share and be a bit vulnerable will make us stronger.  It will allow us to rely on our friends and to let them help us through the tough times.  That's what friends are for right?!?!  Whether they are friends in your everyday life, or those from cyberland, they are still friends who undertand. 

Make your way through the darkness, hold your head high, and the eventually the sun will beam down on you once again!

Power and Control...or a lack thereof

There is an age old question, or so I believe, about a BDSM type relationship...Who really has the control?  Does a Dom really have control or does he only have control to the extent or level that his submissive gives him, thereby really putting the submissive in control?  One could argue either side of this and also argue it for days.  It is not my intention to get into that aspect of this topic. 

When asked I simply say this...A Dom is nothing without a sub, he is just a man.  A submissive is nothing without a Dom, she is just a woman.  (Swap the genders around to meet your needs)  You can't have one without the other.  A Dominant without a submissive is Dominant of what?  Himself?  His space?  He is just a man with Dominant tendencies and personality.  With a heavy heart and deep sadness, this is where I currently find myself...just a man with the characteristics of who I am.

Although it was a very hard decision to make (grueling actually), due to recent family matters I had to end my current situation with my sub.  It was not due to her at all, and I hated to have to take such measures.  Yet, I had to release her from her obligations to me.  I could not give her the time and attention she needs and deserves, and could not give proper attention to the relationship.  I have too many other worries at the moment to be able to see to her needs and be able to concentrate on our relationship properly.  Therefore, she was set free to be able to try to continue her pursuit of who she is, and hopefully with a loving and caring dominant that meets her needs, is good to her, and can make her all she desires to become. 

I hope no one else ever has to endure such a situation, but I'm sure we all will at one time or another.  It is a gut wrenching experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I do wish her all the best and hope she is able to find everything she deserves to have in a Dom.