May 30, 2011

Does "I Do" Lead To "I Don't"?

This picture...hmmm...this picture.  This reminds me of what we hear so much about in a typical relationship.  A couple is together for a long time, or even a short time, and things become stale after a point.  The mundane begins to set in.  Life begins to set in.  It seems that we always hear about the male half never getting any.  "Any" being sex.  He is interested and he tries, but she always is tired, or has a headache, or something.  The guy is always turned down and never gets satisfied, or has his sexual needs met.  And if he does, it's a hurry up, have sex, and get off of me situation.  Or at least this is what all guys hear in their circle of friends.  All you guys reading know exactly what I mean.  Don't get me wrong, as the male has his faults as well and contributes to this happening.  For now though, I'm just talking about this scenario to lead to my point in the rest of this post. 

Of course, in the previous description I'm referring to a typical vanilla relationship.  I mean, what submissive in her right mind would give her Dominant the finger like that?!?!  Or at least do it and still have it attached to her hand.  LOL!  Ok, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea.  Simply by the nature of the relationship and the dynamic involved, something like this isn't very likely to occur in a D/s relationship.  Part of this is based upon the respect and openness that is inherent within TTWD.  Part of it is based on the wide open sexual nature of a D/s relationship.  (Yes, I am insinuating that D/s couples are much more sexual in their relationships than their vanilla counterparts.)  Part of it is the mental and emotional connection between a Dom and his sub.  In a situation like this, I think D/s couples are way ahead of the game in the sexual arena.  And we all know that the sexual arena is a big part of any relationship, and can be the cause of a lot of strain, and even the ending of marriages and relationships.

What got me to thinking about this is something I heard recently.  A friend of mine is going through a divorce.  In my state, anyone getting a divorce is required to go through parenting classes (a big joke) if you have children under the age of eighteen years old.  At his recent class, the instructor told them the divorce rate for this city, which is the fourth biggest in the state, is at 79% for all couples that get married.  OH MY GOD!!!  Yep, you heard that right...79%.  That is the highest in the nation.  I was astonished!  Of course it's not like I can say a whole lot since I have been through a divorce myself.  But that number...that says that you are almost guaranteed to be divorced at some point if you ever choose to say "I Do".

I don't know if there is any real way to know this, but this begs the question for those of us in this lifestyle.  Is a couple involved in a D/s dynamic more likely to stay together than their vanilla counterparts, based on the dynamic within the relationship?  Maybe...maybe not!  Whether you are vanilla, kinky, into D/s, or whatever, there is still life to deal with.  We all deal with the same pressures and worldly, jobs, finances, etc...  So, is the respect, openness in communication, openness about sexual activities, and the chemistry and emotional involvement and bonding between a Dominant and a submissive, enough to keep them together?  Is a D/s couple more likely than a vanilla one to succeed long term?  Is there more glue in the relationship of a D/s couple to hold things together?  This is one guy that has no idea.  It is something interesting to think about and consider, though.

I will say one thing.  If I am trying to be intimate, close, and passionate with my partner (which I think is extremely important to a relationship), and she starts giving me the finger...we are going to have some serious problems!!! 


  1. I think it's a lot about emotional maturity and respect, as much as love. Whether vanilla or D/s, if those elements aren't there, forget it. Not gonna work without a LOT of work..



  2. That is a HUGE divorce rate! I bet the couples that stay together aren't getting married ;)

    Because I was married I stayed years longer than I would have if I was not married. I saw divorce as failure and I made a commitment so I better do everything I can to make it work.... That was my vanilla marriage and it didn't work even after the years of trying. I was that lady in the picture with the "finger" too lol I wouldn't dare do that to Master even when we are fighting.

    I am hoping that this relationship will work better for working things out, mostly because we do have a more open and honest relationship than my vanilla ones. But, when times get tough it's hard to say what type is better at handling it.

    very interesting to think about... sorry for taking up your page lol I better go think/write about it some more on my own.

  3. The need for clear and concise expectations / goals in the early stages is something i think is more often found in D/s than in vanilla. The definition of roles, and of needs, as well as an open line of communication all contribute. Although D/s is not immune to mundane, it depends on the level of commitment of each to the overall dynamic itself. And like K says... it takes a tremendous amount of work... nothing worth having is easy...

  4. Dv Sir,

    Not sure what to think, with mouse's girl friends she hears it a lot...their husbands sound like horn-dogs...but mouse doesn't tell them that daddy generally gets it twice daily...dunno what they'd think about that.

    Day to day is hard and ya there are times mouse is exhausted and mentally drained...but D/s is like glue for us. It reminds mouse of her place, her sevice. Dunno if that makes sense.

    Anyway great post and topic.


  5. Might not be more likely to stay together but D/s couples know their partners better then vanilla ones do (at least thats my experience)

  6. Communication is a major key componant to making any relationship work. I am inclined to believe that married couples who are in the lifestyle may have a lower percentage of divorce simply because communication is such an integral part of making D/s or M/s relationships work.

    Personally, my vanilla marriage almost failed because we stopped communicating. Honestly, we were never really great at it to begin with. We were "this" close to divorcing. Now that we are exploring BDSM together, we communicate better than we ever had (on all levels), and our relationship is stronger than it had ever been.

  7. Wow. This post speaks to me on a very personal level. There have been times when I wondered if my relationship with my lovely jewel was destined for divorce. That has changed after moving in an increasingly D/s direction. The relationship hasn't become "easy", but it has become many times more rewarding and workable for the both of us. She knows she is Mine and thus is required to tell me if she wants/needs something. I may say "no" but I must know about it. She knows that I will do everything in my power to secure her happiness, safety, and growth. After five years of stagnant, frustrating marriage, torn between deep love and rejection, we're finally happier than we were as newlyweds.

  8. Thank you all for your comments. I tend to agree with you all. None of us believe for a minute that there is one thing you can do and everything comes out roses. No matter what type of relationship you have, it takes a lot of work and effort.

    However, the general consensus, along with my own, seems to be that in TTWD, there are some benefits to this style relationship. the openness, the communication, the honesty, and the respect. I think there are aspects of a D/s relationship that by the very nature of it, or at least what I want and require and give of myself, break down some of the hurdles that are more prevalent in a vanilla situation. Of course, we are all a bit biased though, aren't we?!?! :)

    Thanks again to everyone for your comments. I'm glad we could open this up and have this discussion and get everyone's views and opinions.


  9. I have no idea on statistics, but I'd say the ones who stay together are committed and work at it, whether vanilla or kinky.

    That said, I think D/s (and Taken in Hand and CDD and other, similar dynamics) do have a special element that helps them. The communication, the sexuality, etc. Being controlled and led and protected makes me respect my husband more. This makes me more sexually attracted to him. This makes our sex life better. This makes us feel closer and keep the "spark" more than if we were vanilla.