December 16, 2010

Formspring Question

Dear Sir. I've talked to my husband about wanting him to be more dominating. While he seemed to listen, I don't feel like he's taking me seriously. I don't know what to do to get him to understand just how serious I am.

I received this in my Formspring.  First of all let me say to the anonymous sender, your message cut off, but I think I get the main point of it.  You can email me if there is more I need to be aware of or that you would like to discuss. 

This can be tough.  I will try to touch on several points.  They may be wrong, or may be right, or a mixture thereof, but they are my opinion, so here we go.  First of all I think it is obvious that you are, or at least have, a real submissive side to you.  I'm not sure how old you are, but I'll at least assume you are mature enough to be discussing this, since you are married and I get the feeling have been for a while.  I think many women come to realize, or accept, their submissive needs as they mature.  A lot of the women I have talked to and dealt with, and are newly accepting of their submissiveness, are at least in their mid-thirties, if not older.  I think it is a great thing that you feel you need this enough to bring it up to him and want to discuss it.  So many couples have communication difficulties and can't talk about their sexual needs and desires with each other.  No less meet those needs and  desires.  So, the fact that it is strong enough of a pull inside you to even ask this of him is a good thing.

As far as your husband goes, he may not be taking you seriously.  I'm not sure how you have approached him, or to what level you have talked about it together, but I would say to continue to talk.  It needs to be calm rational discussions about what you want, why you want it, and what you need and expect of him.  You need to make him understand just how important this is to you.  Hopefully he can be open enough with you to discuss his side of your request.  To discuss his issues and problems with it, if he has any, and why he would or wouldn't be interested in this.

There are some reasons that he may not be taking you seriously, at least in your eyes.  He may be haring you loud and clear, but pushes it aside hoping that it just goes away.  Why would he do this?  For one because he feels inadequate.  Maybe he feels like he can't do what you are wanting him to.  This is a classic cover-up by a male.  We are just like that.  When we feel inferior, especially sexually, we will either lash out and over-exaggerate to cover ourselves, or we will avoid and hide to not have to deal with it.  If this is the case, it takes a strong man emotionally to be able to open up to you about these inferior feelings, and then be able to work through them together.  This can be very difficult for a guy, and for some guys impossible. 

Another option could be his personality.  Maybe he is not naturally Dominant.  Maybe what you are asking of him is way outside of his normal box, and he isn't comfortable going there.  That doesn't mean he is any less of a man.  It is just a role his personality doesn't allow him to move into, at least not easily.  A lot of men are also brought up to always treat a woman as a lady, and to respect her.  Many times, venturing into bdsm goes against the way he has been taught to treat a woman.  So, this can be a social factor that makes it hard for him.  You have to reassure him that you are no being degraded or treated any less than any other time.  this is something you want and need from him. 

Whatever the reason for his not being accepting of your requests thus far..communication is the key.  the two of you must talk about it openly and honestly with each other, and being willing to say why you do or don't want certain things.  there are always compromises in your play that can fit the needs for you both.  You just have to be willing to talk about it and find that middle ground.  It may not be easy, and there may not be a quick fix, but it can be done.  Love and marriage is about compromise and meeting each others needs.  If this is that important to you, and what you want and need is important to him, then together you can work through this and find a place that is good for you both.  I hope this answered your questions, or at least helps a bit.  Even if they are anonymous, I would love your comments and thoughts, and any additional information you can provide. 

Thanks for the question!



  1. Dear Sir,

    Thank you for your response. It was quite a surprise to see it so soon after I asked. I will be writing you...when I get my *nerve* up. It took a long time for me to get the backbone to write you in the first place.

    I believe what was cut off was my adding "We have been married for a very long time." More than 25 years. I think my husband looks at your site. I know there have been a few times we've looked at Fantastic Ass Friday together.

    ~Just Me

  2. Thanks Just Me! Feel free to email me any time you like.


  3. A little thank you from me too!

    Whilst this is not my question and I don't mean to intrude, I suspect this is a very common problem, one I know I experience and it was wonderful to read such a common sense approach to a solution.


  4. are certainly not intruding. While the question may be asked by a specific person, and then answered, if it is on my blog it is open for discussion. I, as do many others, post these so that everyone can see them and maybe get something from it. If I want it to be private, I will email directly with the person. So, thank you for your comment, and always feel free to throw in your two cents worth.