November 8, 2011

What Should I do? (Formspring)

I recently received this question on Formspring:

"I have suggested to my husband over the years that he be more Dominant with me.  I finally got him to take more control, but I don't feel it...I don't believe it.  He refuses to spank or punish me...what should I do?"

Typically when I read something like this my first answer and response has to do with communication.  You have to be willing to sit down with your husband, open up, be vulnerable, and tell him exactly what you want.  Be forward, blunt and to the point.  no reason to beat around the bush.  He can't give you what you are expecting if he doesn't know what that is and/or understand it.  Not only do you need to tell him what you want and need, but tell him why.  Let him inside your head and psyche to see why you feel you need and want his Dominance.

In contrast, you need to be able to understand him as well.  Find out if he has an issue with being Dominant, and what that issue may be.  You need to know what it is that keeps him from being what you are asking him to be.  It could be any number of stigma, religion, personal beliefs, his past.  You need to be able to understand him to be submissive for him, just as he needs to understand you.

I said my first answer usually has to do with communication.  In this case, my first gut feeling, and the one that still sticks with me, is that he isn't Dominant.  Being Dominant isn't natural for him.  He feels out of place in doing what you are asking of him.  He is doing it because you ask, but that is about as deep as it goes for him.  You could be asking him to step completely outside of his comfort zone and be someone he is not.  This could very well be the reason you don't feel or believe his Dominance.  He has to feel and believe it within himself first.  Until this happens, and it very well may never happen, you will never feel it yourself.  It's kind of like asking him to flap his arms and's just not going to happen.

This made me think of a post Greengirl wrote last week, which can be found here.  She was conversing with a friend about her submission and what she was expecting from her Dom.  I will paraphrase, but the main point was that it is selfish to hold onto expectations of what you expect from your Dom, and get upset when those expectations are not met.  Instead, serve and submit because you find joy in doing so, and you accept your Dom for who he is, just as he does you.  This may not totally apply in reference to this question and situation, but it does have some relevance.

I hope this answered your question and helped you at least a bit, Mrs. Anon.  If I am way off base or missing something, feel free to correct me in the comments, or contact me again to clarify.  Thanks so much for your question.



  1. I sometimes get these kind of questions over email.

    I am never sure what to say. If you haven't talked to your spouse, you need to. If you HAVE already talked to him, and he is not interested... I can't really help you.

    Some readers seem to think that those of us who blog about this might have a magic trick to make our partners interested in BDSM, but the truth is, we are just lucky that we found partners who were already interested in it or who were at least open to it. If your partner is completely against the idea, there is nothing we can say that will change that. It always makes me sad to not be able to help them, but there's just not much we can do.

  2. like i've always said, you can't put a square peg in a round hole. some things are not meant to be...

  3. I think you summed up what I said to Greengirl very well, thank you. I think it cannot be stated enough that if you submit with expectations as to how your Dom will behave then you have not submitted.