November 12, 2011

Not Me...No Sir...No thanks!

I read a post by Neo Dom Tom titled Submissives versus Submission.  In his post he discusses the difference between a person who is actually submissive in their relationship, and in contrast someone that only submits.  He wrote one particular paragraph that really jumped out at me. 

"There is a huge difference between pleasing your spouse because you think it will make the marriage better and that's an important goal in your life, and craving submission and domination, craving the feeling of having someone master you, needing it so badly that you feel like you'll fall apart without it."

Tom is right on the money with this statement, and couldn't have said it better.  There is a huge difference.  He is relating this to his desire for his wife to be his submissive, when the reality is that she is cannot be that for him.  It's just not in her and part of who she is.  After a long time of trying, he has come to this realization and knows that she will submit because it pleases him, but will never be a submissive, per se. For me personally, I need the someone who submits and is submissive.  Someone who craves that role and needs to be that for me, and also knows that she will get all she needs from me as well. 

This reminded me of something I used to say about sex in general in my vanilla marriage, which really is a whole other blog.  LOL!  But really I am serious when I say it, and have always said I want this to apply to any relationship which I am involved.  I DO NOT want sex from my partner because they feel obligated.  I don't want pity sex.  I absolutely despise that with everything I have in me.  For a lot of guys, it's about having sex.  Period.  About being able to dip their stick and get off on someone elses body as opposed to their own hand.  It doesn't matter the circumstances, as long as they get some and get off.

Not me...No Sir...No thanks!  I would rather do without than to be with someone who has no desire to be with me.  And there is nothing worse than the huff and puff and comments of when are you going to be done.  That makes me want to knock the hell out of someone.  That makes intimacy and sex nothing more than a waste of time and energy.  I need someone to be with me because they need to be with me as much as I do them.  Not because they feel obligated by marriage or the relationship to be intimate.  If that's the case you can keep your stuff to yourself, because I don't need it.  I am a very sexual person and need a partner that is as well.  I need someone that wants and needs close sexual intimacy as much as I do.

This tangent is about me and not Tom, so please don't think I'm saying anything negative at all about him.  I have a lot of respect for Tom, and consider him one of my blogland friends.  He seems to have a great marriage, and a very sexually active one that pleases them both.  So many people would be overjoyed to have the relationship he has with his wife.  This topic just got me to thinking about this situation and how it applies to me.  So many people seem to be stuck in relationships that just don't work.  The needs of each aren't being met, and probably never will be.  If the two of you aren't on the same page, there will be a lot of difficulties.  Trust me...I know.

Luckily, I have someone that fits in right where I need her to fit.  We are on the same page on almost everything.  Our needs, sexually and otherwise, ways of thinking, likes and dislikes, etc... are right in line with each other.  For years I tried to find my perfect match.  This is hard under good circumstances.  Throw the need for D/s or BDSM in the mix and it gets even harder.  I always said I would be picky and I would never settle for any less than what I wanted and deserved in a partner.

I have found that.  It's better than I ever hoped it could be, and is getting better all the time.  We are both growing and progressing in our relationship with each other personally, as well as with the dynamic that is a part of what we have.  I couldn't ask for anything more.  It has been worth every second of the wait to find her.  So can happen.  You can find that one special person that is perfect for you.  Don't give up hope, and for God's sake...don't settle for less than what you need and deserve.  Once you find it, you will know without a doubt that it was worth all you have been through to get to that point and time in your life, and to be able to be with that special person. 


  1. Hi DV

    i loved your last paragraph and it should be something that i should aspire too, too many times one rushes into things that turn out to be the wrong relationship for that person, but this can happen as you have said, so thank you for giving us who are without that special person hope.

    blossom xx

  2. I am glad you found it, everyone deserves to be happy.

  3. Great post DV.

    So happy for you that you have found a great match.

    It's comforting to know that somewhere out there, it's possible to find that person we click with on so many levels.

    @Blossom. I like your thoughts :)

    Blogger doesn't like me today. I left a message earlier but it didn't post :(

    Take care. Sky

  4. Much thanks for the very thoughtful and extremely poignant post. As a noob in a happy but vanilla marriage, the second paragraph epitomizes the situation perfectly that I find myself in with my wife. Neo Dom tom has provided the description that I have struggled to find for so long when asked by other about my situation.

    As always, much thanks for the insight.

  5. Hear, hear!

    Nothing like wanting and being wanted in equal measures.

  6. DV,

    Glad you have someone that makes you happy.

    The relationship Daddy and I have has always been serendipitous. For years we've had the dynamic going of 24/7 Master/slave, but never really realized it until I read an article about TPE.


  7. Pleased you have found 'it'..but what do we do DV when we found him years ago and now he's not your 'Him'. A rhetorical have written plenty on this.
    Nice post though.

    L x

  8. Thanks for the comments everyone. As always, I appreciate your feedback. I'm always happy that I can reach a place within some of you that is right on point for your lives.

    @littleOne...Yes I have written on that before, and am dealing with that myself in my vanilla marriage. It can be very difficult. The short answer is that sometimes people grow in different directions. That doesn't make either of them right or wrong, it just is. What once was a mutual path together, over time you can each take your own path based on your needs and desires. We all change over time. It's just a matter of whether you two change together or differently.


  9. My experience has taught me is that it is a very lucky person who finds everyting they want in just one significant other. Life is often a matter of compromise and "doing the least harm" whilst searching for the best path to fulfilment. It seems you are well on the way. Smiles.

  10. There's a lot to think about here.

    Thanks for posting it.


  11. Hi DV, You are lucky and I can attest to what you said about "getting to that point and time in your life"..for I have been through many relationships and none seemed to have meant anything after the newness had worn off. It wasn't until I got a call and re-met with someone that I knew a long time ago that my life changed, even though I thought it was a joke(another story) but now I/we are in a better place then we had ever been, and I'm a better man for it.

  12. DV--It is true, many men would be quite envious of the situation I have with lizard. She not only willingly but enthusiastically engages my senses every time we are in bed. At least I have that. That goes a long way toward keeping my Dominant monster at bay. But when the moon is full....

  13. Neo Dom Tom's comment about the moon being full made me think about my own relationship with Wolf. I personally agree with DV and would not want to settle.

    I like this comment you made: "Don't give up hope, and for God's sake...don't settle for less than what you need and deserve. Once you find it, you will know without a doubt that it was worth all you have been through to get to that point and time in your life, and to be able to be with that special person."

    That's the way I feel about my relationship with Wolf even though I too am in a vanilla relationship like you DV. Thanks for such a thoughtful post.

    Love, squirrel

  14. Ran across your post this morning. Thank you for reminding me that maybe there is some hope. I've been a little short on that lately. First time visit. Won't be my last. :-)

  15. Great post... I can relate to it in so many ways.