June 9, 2012

Some Words On "Being Broken"...

There seems to have been a few posts lately in regards to a submissive being "broken" by her Dominant.  There have even been some tense moments where comments were left and discussions got a bit heated.  The fact of the matter is...we all have different views on what "being broken" is or means.  And this is one of those areas that is tends to mean something completely different from one person to next. 

I think it is important to understand the context of what being broken means when it is discussed.  I think it also has a stereotype attached to it, much like this lifestyle.  That's the irony of this...most of us know that the lifestyle we choose to live isn't anything like the public image and how it's perceived, and I think being broken is much the same.  It has a negative connotation that many people can't see past. 

This image, at least to me, is of a woman being completely stripped physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Down to a completely raw person that resembles nothing of their prior self.  This being done only to build and re-shape her the way someone else wants.  This type of treatment I do not condone or agree with.  For me this is not about completely breaking her down to make her what I want her to be.  I want my sub to be who she is and all of who she is, with my help of course.  I'm not here to change her.  I'm here to help bring out of her the parts she has inside that she may not be aware of or be comfortable expressing. 

Sometimes to grow and progress we have to break through or break down walls.  In order to do this you have to push boundaries and limits.  You have to take a sub to the edge of this wall and then push some more.  You have to break her mentally or emotionally, but only in regards to this wall.  And once through the wall you must stop.  you don't keep going.  Many times this is the hurdle she needed help getting over.  Once done, the path becomes much more clear for future growth and even bring you closer together as a couple. 

And example of this is a conversation I had with a submissive once.  She was very into her relationship, trusted her Dom with all she had, and would have done anything for him.  She had found a love of spanking that she never knew she had.  One of her issues was opening up letting go emotionally.  She said that she rarely cried, especially from physical pain, and can remember this even as far back a a child.  She would bite her lip until it bled in an effort to take the pain and not let the tears flow from her eyes.  So, this is what she now wanted.  She wanted her Dom to take her, spank her, and help her break through this wall.  She wanted to be made to reach a point where letting go of it all was the only choice.  She wanted to be broken to the point of letting years of tears flow from her eyes.

This was the one place, and with the one person she trusted the most, that she felt she could be taken to a point of completely letting go and finding a way through this emotional barrier.  She wanted this wall broken down.  She was asking to be broken...at least in this specific way.  This is the one way she could finally find the freedom and peace from her own emotional prison.  It isn't something she could do on her own.  She needs help and needs to be pushed to that point.  Her "breaking" isn't about breaking her down completely in order to rebuild her.  It's about breaking her in a specific way that she feels, and he feels as well, that is beneficial and will make her a better person moving forward.

So I will leave you with this...try not to let preconceived ideas and views cloud your judgement when you hear about "being broken", or anything else for that matter.   Most of us here are very open minded and can look at the many sides of a situation before forming an opinion.  Especially when it comes to "breaking" someone, make sure you understand the context under which the person is using the term, and how they mean it to apply to them.  Just as all BDSM and D/s isn't about tying someone up and beating the hell out of them, "being broken" isn't always about stripping someone of everything they are.  Most of the time its just about pushing a specific boundary or limit, and with a specific purpose.  If you look at it from a different angle, many times you can get a much better understanding of what a person intends and what it means to them.  The meaning can be different for everyone. 


20 comments:

tori said...

An interesting concept being broken and my views on it echo much the same as yours, however for me sometimes being broken is an aid in changing me or more specifically how i think about myself and what we do..it helps me in being able to let go completely..which is of benefit to him and to me.

To be broken is what makes me stronger, its about letting the barriers down and being as im not one who finds it easy to open up emotionally sometimes i need to be pushed, actually i want to be pushed.

My Master tends to use humiliation (sometimes coupled with s/m) as a means to break me and it can be degrading but when im in that place of being so vunerable and dependent on him its also very liberating and peaceful..if that makes any sense lol

tori x

Conina said...

Oh, lovely, fantastic, acceptance of differences in mindsets. Thank you for this!

Omega said...

DV,

I had planned to offer my thoughts on this topic, however upon reading this, I fear they would be redundant. Thank you for continuing to be a voice of reason.

Be well,
Omega

Alice said...

This is a very emotive subject and it's good to be reminded that sometimes words take on shades of meaning for others that we do not give them ourselves. Thank you DV.

Fondles said...

Thanks for the post. It's given me and BIKSS a lot of food for thought and we had a very enriching conversation about this whole topic and THEN SOME! :)

I think the term "breaking" is all about definition. And as soon as the participants in a convo sort that out, the flow gets easier.

DauntlessVitality said...

Tori, not necessarily the means by which you get there (humiliation), but the sentiment and reasoning behind being broken I think is the point of my post. It certainly falls in line with the submissive I spoke about in my post. Being pushed and needing to be pushed to let go completely can break down the barriers and make you stronger. That is, after all, the whole point of doing it.

And even as you mention, it's breaking through to force you to let go. It's not about breaking the whole you completely as an individual. It has a specific goal and purpose which you require. Some may need this type of treatment while others may not. That is my whole point is saying we need to be understanding of what others need in "breaking", as it can be different for everyone.

DV

DauntlessVitality said...

Thanks! Yes, acceptance of differences. I thought this was worth mentioning since there has been a lot on this topic floating around as of late. We all seem to be very accepting of each others lifestyle choices, from D/s to M/s to DD HOH. Yet, for some reason there is a disconnect, or so it seems, when we hear about "breaking" a submissive. Our differences in needs and views on it is no different than our lifestyle differences. It's all about context and what an individual person needs.

DV

DauntlessVitality said...

Thanks so much O! Your own post would be nice as well. There are many that read your blog and not mine. It wouldn't hurt to keep this rolling. Your words carry a lot of weight, imo, and are worth haring on this topic.

DV

DauntlessVitality said...

And thank you for your comment Alice. Sometimes we all need the reminder not to take our own personal views too far, as they may not be what's best for others.

DV

DauntlessVitality said...

Thanks FA! It's is all about definition and what you feel "breaking" is. That's exactly why I have said it needs to be taken in the context of the person who is speaking about it. That can make a huge difference in what is meant by it.

DV

Butterflyslut said...

I came across this issue very early in my relationship with my Dominant ... there was a point at which I felt that I had broken through an initial barrier with him emotionally ... and so I referred to the experience as being "broken" ... initially this upset him a great deal because he took it to mean that he had broken my spirit and this has never been his intent ... I was eventually able to put his mind at ease by explaining the limited context in which I had used the term "broken" ... but I have been careful not to use it since merely because of the baggage it can carry ... no matter how descriptive the term may be in connection with the experience of breaking through walls of emotion and behaviour ... to be "broken" can be so easily taken to mean something much more negative when not used carefully ...


M :)

little said...

I have thought about this before but not read any of the posts to which you have referred. My interpretation though has always been as you have described, breaking down the walls, releasing the fears and setting them free so one can luxuriate in that freedom and then growth.

I have written, but not published yet about 'ruin'. This is how I view that stripping away of barriers, but it doesn't feel wrong to me, in fact, ruin feels like a need in me that must be met. I don't see the process of ruin as losing 'me' but as the destruction of the barriers protecting the bits of me that need to be released.

thanks for this post DV.

L xx

DauntlessVitality said...

It can man something very negative, or that is how most people see it, I think. that is the point of my post. It doesn't have to be negative and you shouldn't judge or assume when someone mentions it until you understand the context in which that person means it. Thanks for sharing your personal experience on this. That was helpful in making my point.

DV

DauntlessVitality said...

This is a great example. Ruin to me at first thought doesn't sound good at all. Yet, when you explain it and how you see it and what it means to you, then it takes on a new meaning and intention. That's a wonderful example of not assuming, because even I did just that when I first read your comment.

DV

Jake said...

Well put, DV. I almost wonder if there needs to be another word to describe the positive sort of breaking that you explain. "Breaking" has connotations that are hard to ignore, and that tends to cloud the discussion somewhat.

DauntlessVitality said...

Jake, I agree that the word "breaking" can leave a bad taste in one's mouth. It does have a negative feel to it in most people's mind. Another word for what everyone is describing would be fine. I think my main point, though, is that we shouldn't be so quick to judge when someone mentions it. We of all people should understand having an open mind. That's my main objective here...to show that just because a word has a negative connotation doesn't mean it is intended that way, or that it should be negative. Thanks for the comment, and I do agree with how the word is perceived.

DV

Anonymous said...

Like I have already said once, I do enjoy reading your post. My views regarding this matter are the same as your. I may not like every aspect of myself, but as I'm working towards being the person I want to be I would very much like to be accepted as I am, not changed into something else He would find himself wishing I was.

As for the negative perception of BDSM, yes, I can honestly say only people in town to see past its negative connotations are those very open-minded and those in the lifesyle.

Hugs & kisses,
A

DauntlessVitality said...

There is a a fine line sometimes between changing a person and bringing out of them who they are. Because bringing it out may very well create change. But yes, its not about making you who I want you to be. It's about enabling you to be who you need to be and have within you.

DV

Unknown said...

I know that this post and this conversation happened a while ago, but I wasn't reading this blog back then, so I am going to comment now.

I have read a couple of blogs lately by subs who speak of being broken, and they made me a little uncomfortable, because I do not quite understand the concept as well as I would like. Your post has helped me to understand it a little better.

BD and I have been together for a long time, and while I have been interested in D/s and even yearned for this type of relationship, I could not begin to trust someone enough to share this with them. Until I met BD. BD is much newer to the lifestyle than I am, but has a natural understanding of it that astonishes me. He and I have only recently begun addressing the type of boundary pushing you discuss in this post....the type where he pushes me on an issue, right to the wall, then keeps pushing....for MY benefit, because he wants to help me be who I truly am so that I can love myself as much as he loves me. I read many of your posts and often think you and he would get along.....

Anyway, thank you for posting this, it has increased my understanding on the matter...

Anonymous said...

Just found this, I have specifically asked to be "broken". For me, it meant physically, mentally and emotionally. Reasons 1) It was a new relationship, out from a 10 year one, so it felt like a clean slate, letting go of all I knew and a fresh start after a two year break 2) Edge play excites me 3) I wanted to know just how far I could go and 4) what happens mentally after that. To experience real pleading, begging, suffering and for all my choices to be removed, for them to stop when they wanted and me to be a dribbling, sobbing mess. AFTERCARE absolutely and not for just an hr or two. Does it mean, I just had more walls than the person you explained re walls? I don`t know, but I do not it takes a special dominant to have the confidence to go this far. A rare find