June 5, 2012

A New Understanding...Self-Discovery

I have always been a proponent that certain things cannot be forced.  That has always been my approach to D/s.  As much as I can make demands, set rules, define the relationship, there are some things I just won't do or force.  To me, there is much more to be gained with some things when they are discovered on their own by the submissive.

 It is a sort of self-discovery.  Not as in finding oneself, but in realizing certain things and having that "Ah Ha Light bulb Moment".  The one where something just all of sudden makes sense and was realized on her own.  Mostly this revolves around feelings and emotions.  Around her thinking and views about a particular subject.  For whatever reason, in that moment, it just clicks and has there is now a completely new understanding.

As a Dom, I can tell her how things are going to be.  I can tell her how she should view something and how it will be viewed within our relationship.  She may accept that and go with it, but at that time it will just be there.  It's like another rule.  It's just something that is expected of her.

For me, and a big part of my enjoyment in being a Dominant, is leading and guiding her down the path of her submission, and helping her discover these things on her own.  We may have in depth discussions about specific situations, and may act out certain scenarios, and I may keep heading her in the direction of my choosing.  But I want her to figure these things out on her own.  I want her to not only figure them out, but to truly feel them when she does begin to understand it.  That is when it has a much deeper meaning to both her and me.  She wasn't forced, but got to that point on her own.  And because of this, it will have much more lasting effects and be more likely to be a pat of her from then on.

An example of what I'm talking about is having marks left on her body.  This could be from something such as spanking.  I may want her to have marks (not permanent or harmful ones) from the spanking she received, or maybe some bruising.  I want her to be able to see them and have a reminder of how they got there and who put them there.  Yet, for me to tell her she will wear them and enjoy them may not accomplish my goal.  It's when she tells me that afterwards she was looking for marks and was disappointed when she couldn't find any that it begins to sink in.  It's part of her belonging to me and feeling that within herself.  It's her wishing she could see and feel the reminder of what I did to her, and needing that.  This is a light bulb moment for her, especially when she has never felt the need for that before.


Another example could be cuffs or being bound.  I can tell her I will bind her or or cuff her hands behind her back (which is something I would do), and the things I might do to her.  But when she brings you the cuffs, or asks you to use them, this has a different meaning behind it.  Now it's not just about me cuffing her, but her feeling her need to be cuffed, what it represents for her, and her need to be bound and turn over control.  This has much more meaning to it than me just doing it and her accepting it.

I can ask, demand, and do a lot of things on my own.  But for a submissive to get to some of these places herself, and come to her own understandings and realizations of what she needs, well, that can be a beautiful thing.  It can be something small, or something much bigger.  What it is doesn't really matter.  The pleasure for me as a Dominant is that I was able to lead her to discovering these things within her self and on her own.  I was able to lay the ground work and set out the pieces so she could put them all together for herself.  For me, that is being able to teach her in a way that will last because she actually feels it and it is now a part of her she found deep within.  It isn't something she does just because I'm in control and I said it was going to be a certain way.  That is being a teacher, and teaching lessons that won't soon be forgotten...at least from my point of view.


10 comments:

mouse said...

DV,

O's been saying this for years. He believes its easy to command and demand, but far sexier when mouse goes to him and begs. That's when, he'll say, he knows he really has mouse. And those are probably the times she feels her slavery to him the deepest.

Hugs,
mouse

tiffany said...

My Master feels the same way about a lot of things. He knows when I come asking for a particular thing that it indeed has moved from head and thought to heart and being a part of me.

Janet said...

Excellently written post DV,

I can completely understand all that you are saying and have found myself in each of these situations. It is so amazing the things I have learned about myself through this lifestyle. I may have been the one who initiated this but I have learned so much about myself because of all that Wil has demanded of me through this journey.
Thanks for the post.

Anonymous said...

Being bound is one of the only to still my raging mind. A good Dom knows this and will respond accordingly, but if he doesn't then, yes, I will bring the cuffs to him.

Anonymous said...

I just love your posts, DV. :* I just hope one day I will find as, in a lack of better word, fine Dom as you are.

Hugs & kisses,
A

DauntlessVitality said...

Ia agree with O, it is easy to demand. Yet, knowing you have been able to take your sub to a place where she needs it from you without being told...that is a wonderful place to be.

DauntlessVitality said...

And knowing it has moved there without being forced, but because it has become a deep understanding for you...that is great when that occurs.

DauntlessVitality said...

Thanks for your support and comment. It's always nice to know when what I say is felt and understood by my readers.

DauntlessVitality said...

A good Dom can and should know a lot about you and what you need and require. Yet, we aren't mind readers. this is why open communication is so very important.

DauntlessVitality said...

Thank you so much for your comment. That means so much to me that you feel that way. Are you busy Friday night? LOL! ;) I'm sure you will find exactly the Dom you seek. It just takes time and perseverance.