A New Understanding...Self-Discovery

I have always been a proponent that certain things cannot be forced.  That has always been my approach to D/s.  As much as I can make demands, set rules, define the relationship, there are some things I just won't do or force.  To me, there is much more to be gained with some things when they are discovered on their own by the submissive.

 It is a sort of self-discovery.  Not as in finding oneself, but in realizing certain things and having that "Ah Ha Light bulb Moment".  The one where something just all of sudden makes sense and was realized on her own.  Mostly this revolves around feelings and emotions.  Around her thinking and views about a particular subject.  For whatever reason, in that moment, it just clicks and has there is now a completely new understanding.

As a Dom, I can tell her how things are going to be.  I can tell her how she should view something and how it will be viewed within our relationship.  She may accept that and go with it, but at that time it will just be there.  It's like another rule.  It's just something that is expected of her.

For me, and a big part of my enjoyment in being a Dominant, is leading and guiding her down the path of her submission, and helping her discover these things on her own.  We may have in depth discussions about specific situations, and may act out certain scenarios, and I may keep heading her in the direction of my choosing.  But I want her to figure these things out on her own.  I want her to not only figure them out, but to truly feel them when she does begin to understand it.  That is when it has a much deeper meaning to both her and me.  She wasn't forced, but got to that point on her own.  And because of this, it will have much more lasting effects and be more likely to be a pat of her from then on.

An example of what I'm talking about is having marks left on her body.  This could be from something such as spanking.  I may want her to have marks (not permanent or harmful ones) from the spanking she received, or maybe some bruising.  I want her to be able to see them and have a reminder of how they got there and who put them there.  Yet, for me to tell her she will wear them and enjoy them may not accomplish my goal.  It's when she tells me that afterwards she was looking for marks and was disappointed when she couldn't find any that it begins to sink in.  It's part of her belonging to me and feeling that within herself.  It's her wishing she could see and feel the reminder of what I did to her, and needing that.  This is a light bulb moment for her, especially when she has never felt the need for that before.

Another example could be cuffs or being bound.  I can tell her I will bind her or or cuff her hands behind her back (which is something I would do), and the things I might do to her.  But when she brings you the cuffs, or asks you to use them, this has a different meaning behind it.  Now it's not just about me cuffing her, but her feeling her need to be cuffed, what it represents for her, and her need to be bound and turn over control.  This has much more meaning to it than me just doing it and her accepting it.

I can ask, demand, and do a lot of things on my own.  But for a submissive to get to some of these places herself, and come to her own understandings and realizations of what she needs, well, that can be a beautiful thing.  It can be something small, or something much bigger.  What it is doesn't really matter.  The pleasure for me as a Dominant is that I was able to lead her to discovering these things within her self and on her own.  I was able to lay the ground work and set out the pieces so she could put them all together for herself.  For me, that is being able to teach her in a way that will last because she actually feels it and it is now a part of her she found deep within.  It isn't something she does just because I'm in control and I said it was going to be a certain way.  That is being a teacher, and teaching lessons that won't soon be forgotten...at least from my point of view.

Solidifying Feelings

In my last real post I wrote about time and distance.  We looked at how that can be difficult on a relationship, especially one that involves TTWD.  When a submissive comes to rely on her Dominant so much, or even a Dom needing his sub, time apart and distance between you can be very hard.  There are needs that aren't being met.  There is control that can be lost.  The mind can begin to wander and lose focus.  Each side of a couple can begin to drift if attention isn't paid to this time apart, and measures taken to ensure that everything between you stays strong and firm.

Even in tough times like this, there can be an upside.  There can be good that can come from this.  I was reminded of this very thing yesterday.  It made everything come to light in a different and better way.  It made time and distance seem worthwhile...at least on this occasion.  Even though I don't see time and distance as a something anyone of us want, there are times when it can be good.  There are times when it will make a relationship stronger and will bring a couple closer for the long haul.  I will admit that I have had trouble with seeing this myself, in the past.  Many of us are more concerned about the present and the now, and it can be hard to look forward long term.  Especially when you have needs that you need met RIGHT NOW!!!

By know you are asking "what could be good about this?"  I'll tell you!  When you spend time apart, especially when you have very limited contact with your partner, or maybe none at all, it gives you time to think.  It gives you time to reflect.  It gives you time mull over all the two of you have together.  This time apart can help you understand just how much you need each other.  It can help you realize just how much you rely on each other.  It can help you see just how much your partner really does for you, mentally emotionally, and physically.  It can enable to you see just how important TTWD is to you, and how much you truly do want and need a D/s dynamic (or whatever your dynamic of choice may be).  It can solidify all your feelings in a way that you may not have experienced before.  The feelings you have for each other, and the feelings you have about the dynamic you choose to be a part of together.  This can be a great thing.  It can be a beautiful thing.  In the long run, it can make your relationship much stronger by being tested and put in a position that makes you realize just what you have and how much you need it.

So, there is an up side to time and distance.  There are times that separation can be a good thing.  This sort of fits the old analogy of stepping back so you can see the forest for the trees.  Time apart can be equivalent to stepping back.  It can let you see the bigger picture and see what is most important to you.  At times we all need to be able to step back, remove ourselves from the middle of the hooplah, and see the overall picture.  We can learn from this and gain a fresh perspective.  I for one like the view I see as I am away from the tree and looking at the entire forest.  I hope your view is just a beautiful as mine.

Feelings

Feelings!  Not the physical kind, but those of an emotional level.  We all have them in so many ways about so many things.  When it comes to TTWD, also known in my world as D/s, feelings can be very intense.  In my experience, feeling can be much more intense in a D/s situation than most people realize.  Those that are involved in this understand this.  Those that are not involved in this, have a hard time understanding it.  Those just becoming involved in it, seem to underestimate the power of the feelings involved.

When starting out in D/s, there are many things, situations and activities that are discussed.  Talking can only take you so far.  For so many aspects of D/s, you really can't get a grasp of it totally until you have actually experienced it.  The feelings involved are definitely one of those aspects.  A Dominant can discuss with his sub, or potential sub, about how intense feelings can become.  About how intense being together in this manor can be.  About how when things perfectly line up, and you find the "one" for you, how intense the feelings for each other can be.  Until they begin to actually experience it, and get away from just talking about it, it is very hard for a sub to really comprehend how it will be.

For many people, Doms and subs alike, they may have never been in a position to have feelings like this before.  They may have never allowed themselves to be open enough to feel like this before.  Maybe they have wanted it, but they have never found the right person to be able to give them what they really need, enabling them to open up and feel like this.  Whatever the case, once it happens, it is hard to prepare for it before you begin to have these intense feelings for your partner.  It can catch many people off guard.  In reality, it can be so different than anything they have felt before, that what they are feeling and experiencing in their mind scares the hell out of them.  They are afraid of what they are feeling and want to run and hide.  There is a sense of being too vulnerable.  There is a sense of being too exposed.  There is a sense of nothing good can come of this, and that the only possible ending to it is being hurt.  Most of the time this is because of past experience with a partner, or not having been through this before, and feeling so open that they just can't deal with it.

This is where trust and open communication become so vitally important.  It is a must to be able to talk this through with your partner.  As a Dom, I feel I have to show my sub that it is ok to feel this way. It is natural for these feelings to develop.  Most importantly, that I am in no way here to hurt you or cause you any psychological or emotional damage.  Trust is developed over time.  A person can't demand it.  It is over time that you will see that my actions back up my words.  That I am here to care for you, protect you, and guide you to what is best for you.  It serves me no purpose to take you down a road of destruction.  I am here to show you the way to new and better things.  I am here to show you how great this can be.  I am here to help you see and feel things in a way you never thought you could, or even knew you could.

Most people that are afraid of what they are feeling do so because it is new, and they don't understand it.  Yet, deep down they do like what they are feeling and know that it is something very special.  A door has been opened for them to a whole new world.  A world that maybe they have been searching for their entire lives.  We all get in our comfort zone, and can be afraid to step out of it.  But, only in stepping out of it and into new territory can we grow and progress.  If you stand still, you can't move forward...you become static...and you will never go anywhere other than where you are right now.  Is that what you really want?  Is that what you really want to settle for being?  I don't think so!  I think a sub wants to be able to step through that door and have what is waiting on the other side.  With some care, love and reassurance, she can see how great things can be.  That her fears may have been a bit over-thought.

It is hard to try and to look for something that may not exist, which would cause anyone to lose hope.  But when you do find it...when you find that special person and those special feelings...even if it is scary, aren't you glad you have a guiding hand to hold onto to show you the way.  A hand that will protect you the best it can and be there for you.  One that wants nothing but to make this adventure the best it can be.  You may be frightened...scared...afraid...or even terrified.  I think the only thing worse than that is the thought of giving it up when it's everything you have ever wanted.  Finding what you have always wanted and needed, only to give up and walk away because it seems scary to you?  To me that is more frightening than facing the feelings, accepting them, and taking a chance on a wonderful and beautiful relationship. 

Don't be afraid!  Here is my hand. Take it in yours!  Hold onto me and together we can face this journey.  Together we can make it everything we have ever wanted.  All you have to do is let me show you the way.  Let me show you that your trust in me is worth every once you have.  I won't let you down!