July 15, 2011

Seeking Advice From You...All My Dear Followers

I recently received a email form a follower.  Actually more of a lurker, but that's beside the point.  Anyway...she is going through a very tough time in her life and with her submission.  Well, it's more of her lack of being able to submit due to not being in a relationship at the moment.  She asked for my help, and honestly didn't think I could do this alone. 

So, DV is here asking for help from you, my readers and followers.  I would love your comments and advice for this nice lady.  I know a lot of you have been through, or are going through, a similar situation.  Any advice and/or support you could give her, to let her know she is not alone, would be great.  I asked for and got permission to post parts of her email.  It has been altered a bit for security reasons and she will remain anonymous.  Oh, let's give her a name to make it easier.  How about...Becky!  Becky's email is as follows:

I read your post on laughter today.  You made some good points of keeping laughter in your life no matter what the situation.  Laughter has been sorely missing from my life lately, but it is coming back slowly.  Right now I am very isolated in my life and haven't found a way to change that.  No, I am not wallowing in self pity about the circumstances of my life or my ended relationship.  In fact, I have dealt better in this relationship ending than the ending of past ones.  I feel like I need to harden myself and shut off my emotions so I can get back to where I was this time last summer when I did not feel the "need" for a relationship.  I was happy alone then.  Yes, I had unfinished business from past relationships that I needed to resolve within myself and I did resolve them, and a lot of my ability to do that came from the help you gave me and the insight you had last year into how much I needed to let go of all I still carried with me and the huge walls around me.  I say this with confidence, that those past relationships are set to rest.  But, hardening myself and shutting off emotions is not the right way to become happy even though alone. 
However, when I read your "Laughter" post.  I realized, that I, like you said of yourself, have always been a person who liked to pick on people, joke around with them, be sarcastic, and tease them unmercifully at times.  In fact, I always said and still do that teasing is one of the ways I show affection to others.  May sound strange to some.  I like to kid around and be sarcastic, but sarcastic with a smile on my face.  But, in reading your post, I realized I have stopped doing all that now for a while.  I know that the man from my recent relationship was drawn to me by my joking, teasing, etc.  Just as with sex, crying, spanking, laughter is a good tension reliever.  I need to get my laughter, joking around, teasing self back.  So, feel free to pick on me to get me back into the groove.
You know, I have always been into spanking, but it was not a part of my recently ended relationship.  I am beginning to think that I may go through my entire life and never experience that even once during sex or for acting out.  Of course, there are other things I would like to experience in a D/s relationship, too.  Earlier, I mentioned that I needed to harden myself and shut off my emotions and get back to where I was last summer in being "ok" alone.  But, I feel very lost and disconnected without a relationship in my life now.  I went many years without it, locked that desire away, and then since this last man, I can't let go of the desire for D/s as a part of my life.  I know you can't let yourself fall into feeling lonely and sad, but rather keep a positive outlook, and open heart, and a smile on your face, and laughter as a tool and release.  I do that most days.  But, this morning I was thinking about tomorrow being my birthday.  Then I thought of what my life was comprised of the day before I turn another year older, as we all do, and realized there is no one person in this world to whom I am considered to be the most important person in their life.  The one person they live, breathe, learn from, grow for, and look forward to seeing every day.  It made me think that this fact is kind of a two-edge sword because even though I know each person, including me, is special and just as important to the world by themselves, alone; no less important because they are not connected to another person in a special relationship, we measure our lives and the importance of others around us based on who we love and who loves us totally and without reproach.  I have found that the loss of my recent relationship this past May to be particularly painful due to the intense connection, the dynamics of the relationship, the intertwine of submission and dominance, the extent of honesty, respect, and trust built up, the revelation of who we are at our core in order to realize the benefits of TTWD.  I have felt loss and heart sickness, and pain from the loss of past relationships (vanilla ones), but nothing like the "ripping and tearing" all the way down to my inner core from a D/s relationship loss.  You have to let all of "you" and who "you are" out and lay it before your partner in order to realize TTWD.  All of which makes the fall from the loss of a D/s relationship all the harder.  It is so much more hard coming out of a D/s relationship and finding a place within you where you can be at peace with your D/s desires yet not able to have someone in your life and a relationship with someone. 
I know that when D/s relationships end both the Dom and the sub are "cut to the bone" due to the intensity of their connection to each other.  The sub who has given to her Dom her complete trust in that he will be there to keep her safe and protected and her world even and balanced, looking only to him to lead and guide her, to bring her happiness in that he desires and values her submitting to him as much as she desires and values being able to submit to him, only him.  All of that is a "life line" connecting the sub to her dom.  She learns to depend on that "life line" and when it is suddenly yanked away, she is lost and left floundering.  Her "safeness and balance" is gone.  Yes, you miss the love, kisses, good times together, places you went that were special and all the other things that make up a couple's life together.  But, it is the loss of the "life line" between you and your Dom and the missing "safeness and balancing of your core being" that keeps you awake at night. 
 I know there are some of you out there that can relate to Becky's situation and feelings.  Anything you can say to help her cope and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel would be greatly appreciated.  Being the lurker she is, Becky will be reading your comments and may even chime in herself, if she so desires.  So, feel free to ask questions as well, because she can always respond as anonymous and signed Becky.  Thanks in advance to all of you for your comments and support.



  1. I think, above all, Miss Becky needs to find herself. :) And it's actually really easy! (okay, not REALLY easy, but is not wandering-through-the-desert-crying-out-in-agony hard).
    Take yourself out on a date or two.
    Yeah. :) A movie, or dinner by yourself. You'll be amazed at that'll do for your spirit and your confidence. The deeper you are connected to YOURSELF, the more happy you'll ultimately be.
    Now...as to submitting. I won't submit to someone I'm not invoved with, and its cool! I end up doing a lot of inward reflections, and (believe it or not) exploring my OTHER sexual sides :) Didn't realize I had switch tendencies until lately, but HEY! WOW! :)
    So, if I were you, Miss Becky, use this time to learn EVERY SINGLE INTERNAL INCH of you :)
    You'll be pleasantly surprised with what you'll find :)

  2. DV, Sir...I could write a book on this. But I will try to condense.

    First of all, I have to point to one statement Becky made which bothers me:

    "we measure our lives and the importance of others around us based on who we love and who loves us totally and without reproach."

    This is backwards thinking. Wild, crazed stalkers can "love" us. Toxic people can "love" us. Our sense of worth must come from within ourselves. We feel love only when we see ourselves as worth it. (I speak from experience on this)

    Before she looks for another D/s relationship, I would suggest a few things:

    1. As Jen said...Becky should romance and learn to love herself. Wholly. As a complete person. The advice I was given was "what a beautiful gift you will then have to give a Dominant". That was great advice.

    2. D/s is not a relationship, it grows out of a relationship of two well-suited people. Put the foundations in place first. Trust a Dom because he's a good MAN, not because he's a good Dom. The first shows his integrity and values, the second, a behavior pattern.

    3. Start a blog, Becky. Come out of the lurker status and write. Let the community support you (this blogging community was such a huge blessing to me in my time of loneliness and still is!) Writing also helps you find patterns of thought and behavior. It helps you focus on goals and you also get to meet more people. Perhaps some close by you in RL? Use the resources at your disposal--friends. We want to help if you'll let us.

    Above all, love yourself. Stay busy. Work toward something important to your general life (hobby? employment? events? vacation?) Don't over think this time of waiting. Live it and enjoy it.

    Big hugs!!!

    PS--read some of the archived posts of some of these bloggers. Very good advice in there.

  3. I agree with jen, do you have any hobbies becky? Get out and explore your hobbies, while I'm sure that TTWB is part of your passion, find a hobby that you've thought about getting involved with and explore it you may end up finding a whole new side to yourself.
    If possible take a trip, do something you may not have normally done. The hardest part is taking that first step.

    And a happy belated birthday to you.

  4. Becky,

    I understand exactly how you feel, having been in a simular situation. My mistake was not taking a period to grieve, instead I jumped right back in and floundered around. Finally this month I am giving myself a break but after that I will be back searching for that one. I do agree with Jen you need to connect with yourself so that you get your self confidence back.

    I also would encourage you to put yourself back out there. Go on CM or other dating sites and post a profile. If you don't want to get serious then take a lover, someone who will give you that feeling you crave.

    The other way to go is only look for what you want and don't settle. This way will take longer but well worth the search (as my friend histoy will tell you).

    This is just my 2 cents as I am out there just like you looking for that one. But I know that if you don't put yourself out there and take a chance you will never move away from the past.

    Good luck with your search :)


  5. Thanks for the comments. I think you all made some very good points. I'm sure Becky will be reading and taking note of your thoughts.


  6. Thanks to all of you for your suggestions and advice. I saw and loved myself as a complete person before this relationship and I know that if as SBF said I give myself time to grieve I will once again be a complete person, love "me", connect with myself, and regain my confidence.
    As Dannah Bridger pointed out "trust a Dom because he is a good MAN, not because he is a good Dom." I found quite far into my relationship with the man in my recently ended relationship that he was lacking in integrity and values that appeared to be there in the beginning but later disappeared. By then, I realized the man needed to go, but I had become so intwined in the relationship dynamics of dominance and submission between us. It is the loss of that "need", that relationship dynamic that I have not adequately grieved. I seem to be fixated on the loss of the dynamic. And I believe that is in part because I just revealed myself as a Submissive last year after feeling it and needing it and knowing it is who I am at my core for all my adult life. So, I am a newbie to the D/s world. I have a lot to work through and still learn and even then will always find something new to learn around each corner as DV always tells us in his blog.
    Some people take longer to grieve than others and I think I am a slow griever. It takes me longer to move through the stages of grief in all areas of my life. I know that to be true of me. Everyone moves, learns, grows, and progresses through life at a different pace.

    I know that my upcoming birthday rather dampened my grieving process of my relationship ending in May. Sort of a realization that "well here we are, a year older, let's take stock of my life." Unfortunately, I have been in a grieving process over my ended relationship and focused on what was not in my life. Had I been in a happy and contented time in my life likely my focus would have been on how good things are in my life. Thank you all for your comments. I will utilize them. And, Southern Sir thanks for the happy birthday wish!