November 29, 2010

How do you do it?!?! (Long Distance)

I read a post a couple of weeks ago that stayed with me.  The post was written by Discerning Dom and was titled "Long Distance".  Because I have been there and done that, I know exactly how this feels.  I have kept trying to think of a way to write this, but have had trouble with it.  So the only thing I know to do is tell you how I feel about this. 

In the post, Discerning Dom speaks of his own personal long distance relationship, and how he goes about dealing with it on a daily basis.  I have done the online D/s thing.  There are ways to make it work, between email, text, chat, phone, etc...  In this day and age it is easy to meet people from all over the country, if not the world.  Things aren't like they used to be.  It used to be that you met someone through the travels of your life.  Whether it be school, work, church, Friday night at the bar, the hot chick working behind the counter at the movie rental store, or whatever other way you can think about.  These days you never have to leave your house.  Fire up the ole computer and away you go.  You can be talking and chatting with people from god knows where within minutes.  My point's not hard to strike up an electronic conversation and begin discussions with someone.  I'm not by any means saying this is wrong, or that I'm against it.  Just pointing out that we live in a very mobile and fluid society these days, and it is much easier to connect with those that interest you, from all over the world. 

I was asked a question and gave an honest answer on my other blog, Dauntless Arousal, that had to do with long distance relationships.  My answer was that I wish for more than what a long distance relationship can give.  I have been involved in them, and have dealt with them from a D/s dynamic and perspective.  They can be fun and enjoyable, and you can even really connect with someone and develop true feelings for them in this manner.  This type relationship can have everything but the physical connection.  And that is where I begin to have my problem. 

For me personally, I need the physical connection.  I need to be able to touch and be touched.  I need to be able to take all I have discussed with someone and put it into practice.  It's one thing to control and demand things of a sub over a distance.  It's another thing to be able to do that to them in person.  If I am involved in something long distance, especially one where there is really no chance of ever seeing each other, then I find myself lacking after a point.  I need more, and more is something I can't have.  I also reach a point where I feel I can only take a sub so far under those circumstances.  I hit a wall and feel as though I can't really do much more than I am already doing. 

I don't want any of you to think I am down on long distance relationships.  That's not my intention.  If it works for you, you enjoy it, and you get what you need from it, then great for you.  I just find that for me, while it may serve it's purpose short term, long term I have trouble with it.  I need more, and want to give more, than what distance can offer.  This may leave me alone (so to speak), but at times the being involved and needing, yet not being able to have, can be worse than doing without all together. 


  1. I was involved in a short/long distance relationship. I met a D on line and he was evaluting my responses before we could meet and continued even after we met for drinks one time. I told him from the begining I didn't want an online thing and even though he was in the same town he may as well have been a million miles away.
    I agree with you...there comes a point where you need physical contact, at least I do.

  2. i'm with You, DV, and it's just about what we like... not that it's better or worse... it's just what we want/ need from the interaction. fair enough.


  3. Thanks for your comments ladies. submissivebf...I'm glad to see that you agree. I think most people would actually. Who wouldn't rather have a real life and in-person relationship than a long distance one that is strictly long distance.

    kk...that's my point totally. I'm not saying one is right or wrong versus the other, or one is better or worse. Just what is better for me and I prefer. Whatever works best for you is what you need to follow.

    I will add, and probably should have in my post, that I do love the new way of doing things these days, and the ease of staying connected. I love email, text, chat, etc... I love to be able to use it as a tool, as well as easily keep in touch. I just don't prefer it as the only means. I want and need real life in-person time together.


  4. I'm in a long distance relationship. we've never met yet he knows more about me than anyone else. He has listened to me cry, whine, been more patient with me than anyone I know and taken time out of his busy life to be with me and that's not as easy as it sounds. He's my Master/Daddy. We're in opposites ends of the world the time difference is huge. It sucks. I want to be touched, need to be.... but I love him, so while I miss it, I won't change it for anything in the world. A time will come when we touch, just not soon enough for either of our
    PS: I was a real cynic about LDR, I never really believed in it. It just happened. Life is really ironical in some :)

  5. DV Sir,

    Honestly there are very few people that can really make it work on a long-term basis. Most probably end up wanting more, which leads to conflicts and moving on. Kudos to the ones that can make it work.


  6. "but at times the being involved and needing, yet not being able to have, can be worse than doing without all together." This sounds like such a courageous statement doesn't it? I can tell you have never tested yourself in really doing without all together. From experience I can tell you that when you feel going without altogether is a better place to be in than feeling you're LDR is just missing something for you, you haven't been there and gone without. When you go without an outlet, no contact, no nothing with another human being to fulfill your needs for this lifestyle, a couple of years in that prison will have you wishing you could at the very least once again have that LDR that is just missing something for you. People who believe that having Nothing would be better than what they have at the time don't realize just how ALONE and WORSE really doing without can be if it's going to be that way forever for you without even a LDR in sight. I know from experience and it's a hard way to learn.

  7. Alunja and mouse...thanks for your comments. I'm glad to see that a LDR is working for some people. Mouse, I agree that it is very difficult long term. So, yes...kudos to those that do make it work.

    Anon...thank you for your comment. I always welcome those that agree and disagree. I appreciate your two cents worth on this. You are obviously coming from a different place on this than me. This is what works for me, and how I feel. You apparently feel different, and that is perfectly fine. I will admit, that if I had nothing at all, I would probably be happy to have contact with someone by whatever means I could. I don't doubt that. In the end I would still want more, though, and that is my point. the wanting more and not being able to have it. So, maybe I mis-spoke a bit with my comment about doing without vs a LDR. That wasn't my main point of the post, but I do appreciate you bringing that to my attention. It did make me look a little differently at that situation and my comment.


  8. I had a long distance vanilla relationship that lasted 7 years, most of which were good, but I found it painful to be so far away. To want to comfort him or hold his hand or touch his face (and vice versa) and not be able to tore at me in ways I can't describe. I can't imagine how that feeling would be compounded by trying to be in a long term D/s relationship long distance.

    I guess for me it would depend on how close I was to the Dom and how far the physical distance between us. Nice post DV.

  9. Hi DV! VERY late in on this one *LOL* But i'll give my two cents anyways (ah who am i kidding?! cents...),which i couldn't actually have done at the time of you writing this post anyways. At the time of you writing this I had been in a LDR for about 5 weeks *LOL*. Actually i had been in D/S for 5 weeks too. Now it's been 10 months. Beginning wasn't at all difficult, it wasn't meant to be 'more' than online. "Wasn't meant to be". But it became. We got such a connection and clicked on so many levels that I never would have thought possible. I met him for the first time now in June. Can't be a moment too soon that I see him again. Feel him again. It's hard, since then even harder, much harder. Yes even painfully so at times. Could i walk away from it because of it? No, because I love him. Both as Master and man. But I totally get what you mean about wanting more and it being more difficult than not having it at all. That physical connection: yes the body screams for it! So let's hope i get it again soon eh?
    I can see people keeping it strictly D/s not having a problem though. (With that I mean no deeper feelings evolving from it)

    Anyways, my $2 worth.