June 9, 2010

Realization Of The pleasure Dynamic

There comes a point in the progression of every submissive where they realize and feel a transformation.  Every new submissive knows that a D/s relationship involves service, obedience and direction, in addition to pleasure.  A lot of subs know there is an amount of pleasure that comes with being submissive, but there is something that they feel and come to realize that can't be taught.  There is something that they awaken to eventually, and it is a huge step in their mindset and being able to move forward and grow as the submissive they are and want to be.  What is it?  The true feeling and understanding that there is more pleasure in pleasing than being pleased.

This is something that can't be taught.  It can't be forced on someone and have the real effect the same as someone who truly feels it.  When working with a submissive, I am always delighted when I hear one say they have realized how much their own orgasm doesn't matter.  They have a feeling of emptiness with nothing but their own pleasure.  They are now becoming more concerned with the pleasure of their Dom, and knowing that he is satisfied.  Knowing that she and her body have been a source of pleasure and orgasmic satisfaction for him is far more exciting and pleasurable than strictly having an orgasm herself.  This is something she has to figure out, understand and come to grips with, within herself.  Until she feels it inside and on her own, it can't be fully comprehended.  But once it is, a major milestone in her submission has been reached.

Here is a prime example of what I mean.  I cam across this writing and it best shows this side and realization of a developing and growing submissive.  It is from an email that was sent to her Dom after one of her assignments.

"I just rubbed myself and came as directed.  You were of course filling my thoughts as I did it.  What was new was as the orgasm was ending, my hips were still moving.  The thought in my head was, "I need to know he has cum.  I need to have him cum in me.  I need to know he is satisfied."  I needed that more than my own orgasm.  I know this will end up in my journal I write for you, but I wanted to share it as the thought and feeling was new and fresh."

What a wonderful thing that is!  How great is it as a Dom to be a part of the growth of a submissive and to see her open up and feel new things.  To know you have guided her in a way that has enabled her to get to this point.  To know you have helped open her up to see and feel the submissive inside herself and to experience a brand new world she hadn't seen before.  It's just like having kids and seeing them accomplish new and exciting things and being so proud of them.  I'm sure all Doms/Masters have had this feeling of elation at seeing their subs grow and progress right in front of their eyes.  It is a great feeling to know what you are doing is making a positive impact.

The realization of the pleasure dynamic in a D/s relationship, and the sub truly feeling and understanding her own need to please, is absolutely fantastic.  May you all experience those "light bulb moments" in your endeavors that make you see things in a new light that you never had before. What a wonderful world we all participate in a the joys and pleasure that are part of it!


  1. DV,

    I am glad to see you are back. I was missing you.

    The email you quoted could have been taken from my mouth. It is so important for me to please my Master. To know he has cum turns up the intensity for me.

    Great post today

  2. This is quite a revelation for me. I have been dealing in purely "technical" submission so far. That is, I have been moving my lizard into agreeing to more and more acts of submission. she has had no seachange in her mindset yet, at least not that I can detect, but there have been some subtle tides of change that may eventually lead to an ocean. As I continue to assert myself, she shows more outward signs of submission, but I don't think she has gotten to that point where her first concern is for my pleasure. She still has an insistent need for her own orgasmic pleasure. I'm not sure if there is anything concrete I can do to change her way of thinking other than what I have been doing, which is simply asserting myself and telling her what I expect of her.

    Thanks for a great post!

  3. This post very much resonated with me, thank you for sharing it. i absolutely have to know that i have pleasured my Master and that He is satisfied - it's the major part of my own sexual and emotional pleasure. i had that 'moment' as you describe here, and that was the day i fell deeper into my submissive self.


  4. A short update--I actually asked my wife at lunch today whether she was more concerned about her having an orgasm or me having an orgasm during sex. She said she could not say one or the other, that she is equally concerned. What's funny is that when I have asked her to submit to me she has told me she thought we should be equals, that neither of us should be the boss.

    On the other hand, when we are in bed, particularly, she lets me lead and she will do many things to please me (blow jobs, getting tied up and blindfolded, anal beads, spankings and floggings), and many of them I know she would never EVER do if not for my initiative.

    As you might know, I did not start out my marriage as a D/s or any other type of relationship. In fact, other than that my lizard has always had a strong sex drive, it started out quite vanilla. So although we have moved in this last year into a different space, I can't say she will ever have that magic moment that you speak of.

  5. I am so pleased you wrote this. I felt as if you looked within my soul and penned it. It has been from the beginning my feeling I cannot feel fulfilled unless my Dominant's has all his needs met, actually it is the only way I am aroused. In my heart I feel being a submissive is innate to your character literally born this way. Many like me struggle all their lives unhappy until they discover they are submissive as was in my case. I know many women that "want" to be submissive and quickly find they are unhappy with being one because something is missing. I can't imagine wanting to be a submissive it would be a hard thing in my personal opinion to achieve there is so much to it and if one is conditioned opposite they will be unhappy. My excitement was in discovering who I was and experiencing the wonder of it all and the love and guidance I have achieved with my Dom.

  6. Carrie...Glad to be back. I'm also glad you can relate. I think a lot of subs can, if not all. Your desire to please is a wonderful trait to possess.

    NDTom...I have been following you for quite a while. The dynamic between you and your lizard is quite unique. It seems to work well for you both, and I'm happy about that for you. I just can't quite put my finger on her though. From what you say (here and your blog) and what I get from it, it's almost like she wants to be submissive in the bedroom, but not outside of it. It's also like she enjoys being submissive and doing these things, but can't get to the point of admitting it and really letting go. Maybe I'm totally wrong on this. But that's the sense I get from it. If so, there is nothing wrong with that at all. As long as what you two do and have works for you, than that is all that matters. No one and nothing else can figure in to your relationship. Everyone is different and goes about things in different ways. I hope things continue to be great for you both.

    Elle...thanks for sharing. I'm glad you had that moment and realized and felt it. It has to come from within and once you feel it, it can take things to a new level in your submission, as you described. I'm happy for you that you are there and enjoy the fact of being there.

    Ms. Muse...Didn't you feel me taking a peek inside your soul for references to this post?!?! LOL! I happy to know you can relate so well. I think a deep submissive knows they are here to please, serve, follow and obey. Being aware of this and not finding pleasure unless you know you have given it is a great testament to your commitment to your position. I agree with what you said, in that being submissive is inside you and part of who you are. You can't be something you are not. It's either who you are or it's not. there really is so much to it, someone can't be all they need to be just because they want to. It has to be a real part of their core personality. Thank you very much for your comments and insight. I always welcome it!


  7. DV--you have actually stated it exactly as I would. I agree that if it works, fine, but I am still going to continue to see where this unusual path leads us. It's been frustrating at times, but especially in the last three months or so I have seen more of that submissive side in her, which brings out more of the beast in me. She really has become quite a good girl. Last night I told her I wanted her in one of her sexy outfits as we sat on the back porch and talked, as we often do, and she complied, wearing a nice see through black nightie and no underwear. Later in the evening I flogged her and fucked her and she loved it. She did, however, complaint a couple times that I was hitting her too hard, so I backed off, because right now we have no pre-agreed limits and I don't want to scare her off.

    Sorry for the long comment. I will continue reading your excellent blog for insights and more advice. I have also followed yours for quite some time, though I do not always comment (and am now making up for lost opportunities?).

  8. Tom...I think you have made a lot of progress. You should by all means keep going. She has come a long way to where she is now. As long as you both are happy and enjoying the ride, that's all that matters.

    As for the length of comment, some things just can't be explained in short order. Always feel free to be as lengthy as you like. I'm always game for exchange of thoughts and information. So feel free to be as short or long as you need or like. I always appreciate your comments.