May 5, 2010
Decisions (Part 3)
Let's take a look back at my previous posts about decisions. I had a marriage that had problems. I had an affair. My marriage ended. I have a second marriage. We are openly having affairs, so to speak, and quite possibly my marriage is ending. Are we beginning to see a pattern here?
I am now making my way back around to where we started. I'm back to my contemplative state that was fueled by the post Just a Little Thing Called... on Thinking About It Differently. In her post, Maryann asks about the "L" word...Love. What is love? How do you know when you're in love? Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Do you believe in soulmates? Is it physical or is it chemical? These are a lot of good questions. I'm sure everyone has their own thoughts on it, and looks at it differently. For me, the biggest question with my relationships are:
Have I really been in love?
Have I fallen out of love?
Maybe it was them and not me?
Maybe they really weren't the right person for me?
I'm sure there are more questions, but these are the ones that immediately come to mind. I do believe I have been in love. I have cared for all my spouses (all - that sounds pretty horrible) unconditionally and wanted to be everything to them, and them for me. No relationship stays as exciting as it was when it first started. That is just a fact! Those initial butterflies, the thrill of the chase, the excitement of someone new, getting to learn all about that person. After a while things calm down and you begin to settle in. Keeping that fire between you is hard work. It takes both people involved giving everything they have to each other to keep the relationship going. No marriage or relationship is perfect all the time. Tthey all have their ups and downs. But, when one person isn't giving as much as the other, whether it's can't give as much or won't, then the breakdown has begun.
I claim just as much fault for letting my relationships get to the point they have as anyone should. It takes two people to make things work. Once you both are not on the same page, or even in the same book, then trouble looms. So, I have to ask myself...were these women the right ones for me? I don't know. Is it me that stops giving it my all and causes the breakdown of the union? Maybe. Am I incapable of keeping a relationship together long term? I don't know. Will I always be wanting to see what is on the other side of the fence? I don't know. I'll be the first to tell you the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. It may be a different kind of grass, but it's still grass and it's still green. I do love my current wife, without a doubt. But it's more like a best friend or brother sister kind of love. It's not the type where I want to be intimate with her type of love. We have grown way past that, and I believe she would tell you the exact same thing.
Over the past few years, my immersion in the D/s lifestyle has opened my eyes to a lot of new things. It has helped get a better view of myself and shine a light on who I think I really am. What type of D/s relationship would suit me best if I had a choice? I'm not sure. Due to my situation currently, I have not been able to get fully involved to the point that I think I know that answer. I have not found the person willing to jump in this with me fully to see where it might lead and what it might bring. I have enough experience and knowledge that I have a great basis and know where I stand on many situations and practices. I certainly don't know everything, or claim to. I am an ever evolving process, willing to learn, examine, and look at new experiences. I'm certainly not going into anything blind at this point, like I once was. Yet, anyone that thinks they are the best and that they know it all and can't learn more and be better...well, honestly they scare me.
The decisions we make, good or bad, have gotten us to where we are at this moment. If you don't like that, then make the decision to change. If you do like where you are, then great for you. The decisions we make, and the mistakes that come with those decisions, are what make you who you are today. Learn from your mistakes and your experiences. Use them to make you better going forward. I beg you not to become "insane". Your decisions ultimately form everything you are. Don't be afraid to make decisions or mistakes. That's how we learn! It's trial and error!