May 5, 2010

Decisions (Part 3)

We all make decisions in our life that were not the correct action of choice. We all make mistakes. That is an inherent part of being human. It is learning from your mistakes that is what becomes most important. If you keep making the same mistakes over and over, well...that's where you may have a problem. Making the same mistake over and over and expecting a different outcome? That's known as insanity. Am I insane? It's possible!

Let's take a look back at my previous posts about decisions. I had a marriage that had problems. I had an affair. My marriage ended. I have a second marriage. We are openly having affairs, so to speak, and quite possibly my marriage is ending. Are we beginning to see a pattern here?

I am now making my way back around to where we started. I'm back to my contemplative state that was fueled by the post Just a Little Thing Called... on Thinking About It Differently. In her post, Maryann asks about the "L" word...Love. What is love? How do you know when you're in love? Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Do you believe in soulmates? Is it physical or is it chemical? These are a lot of good questions. I'm sure everyone has their own thoughts on it, and looks at it differently. For me, the biggest question with my relationships are:

Have I really been in love?
Have I fallen out of love?
Maybe it was them and not me?
Maybe they really weren't the right person for me?

I'm sure there are more questions, but these are the ones that immediately come to mind. I do believe I have been in love. I have cared for all my spouses (all - that sounds pretty horrible) unconditionally and wanted to be everything to them, and them for me. No relationship stays as exciting as it was when it first started. That is just a fact! Those initial butterflies, the thrill of the chase, the excitement of someone new, getting to learn all about that person. After a while things calm down and you begin to settle in. Keeping that fire between you is hard work. It takes both people involved giving everything they have to each other to keep the relationship going. No marriage or relationship is perfect all the time. Tthey all have their ups and downs. But, when one person isn't giving as much as the other, whether it's can't give as much or won't, then the breakdown has begun.

I claim just as much fault for letting my relationships get to the point they have as anyone should. It takes two people to make things work. Once you both are not on the same page, or even in the same book, then trouble looms. So, I have to ask myself...were these women the right ones for me? I don't know. Is it me that stops giving it my all and causes the breakdown of the union? Maybe. Am I incapable of keeping a relationship together long term? I don't know. Will I always be wanting to see what is on the other side of the fence? I don't know. I'll be the first to tell you the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. It may be a different kind of grass, but it's still grass and it's still green. I do love my current wife, without a doubt. But it's more like a best friend or brother sister kind of love. It's not the type where I want to be intimate with her type of love. We have grown way past that, and I believe she would tell you the exact same thing.

So where does this leave me? Yep, I'm floating in limbo in contemplation. Just thinking and wondering. I do believe the right woman for me is out there somewhere. The one that will be my everything and stay that way. The one that will help me keep the fire going at all costs. I hope that I can take all the mistakes I have made in my life, and the decisions I have made, and use them to make a better future. A better future for me as well as that special someone else. There is no replacement for experience. If mistakes are the stepping stones to learning, then I have a path to the moon and back as well as a Ph.D. I like to think that everywhere I have been in my life is just the path to where I need to be. This path is molding me into the person I need to be. That may cause a lot of heartache along the way. That's just something I have to be willing to deal with and face.

Over the past few years, my immersion in the D/s lifestyle has opened my eyes to a lot of new things. It has helped get a better view of myself and shine a light on who I think I really am. What type of D/s relationship would suit me best if I had a choice? I'm not sure. Due to my situation currently, I have not been able to get fully involved to the point that I think I know that answer. I have not found the person willing to jump in this with me fully to see where it might lead and what it might bring. I have enough experience and knowledge that I have a great basis and know where I stand on many situations and practices. I certainly don't know everything, or claim to. I am an ever evolving process, willing to learn, examine, and look at new experiences. I'm certainly not going into anything blind at this point, like I once was. Yet, anyone that thinks they are the best and that they know it all and can't learn more and be better...well, honestly they scare me.

The decisions we make, good or bad, have gotten us to where we are at this moment. If you don't like that, then make the decision to change. If you do like where you are, then great for you. The decisions we make, and the mistakes that come with those decisions, are what make you who you are today. Learn from your mistakes and your experiences. Use them to make you better going forward. I beg you not to become "insane". Your decisions ultimately form everything you are. Don't be afraid to make decisions or mistakes. That's how we learn! It's trial and error!



  1. Dauntless:

    There is hope. I have found everything I could dream of in my third wife. I do believe there is a limit to how long relationships should last, but that it varies for each relationship. A really good one should last a really long time, and a mediocre one a medium amount of time. I'm not sure we are monogamous by nature, although I am by preference.

    You hit the nail on the head by saying both partners in a relationship have to be willing to give. Not give up, though, you should not have to make big sacrifices. In addition, there has to be a certain amount of symmetry and shared interests. I think you can keep things fresh for a long time (at least three years--that's how long we've been together and I still feel the thrill of new discovery every time I touch her, and I know she reciprocates).

    Also, I have known friends who simply don't want the commitment, and they seem to be as happy as I am.

    It sounds like you are ready to move on, and my only advice would be to make the break as soon as it makes sense because you will have many other opportunities.

    Finally, the problem with learning from your mistakes in relationships is that they are all different. If you have a wandering eye and like to taste different flavors, it seems like at the outset you should make sure you will be able to do that by agreement. I believe that kind of relationship would be incredibly complicated, but some people seem to be able to live very fulfilling lives that way. There really are no rules except the ones you set out.

    But if there were rules, the first and foremost would be any successful relationship is built on trust and communication, and when you are having an affair, both of those are eventually eroded.

    Good luck!

  2. Thanks for your thoughts and comments. I have thought a lot about one thing you said...monogamy. Are we wired for that? I'm not sure. Especially over the long haul. You said you two have been together three yrs. I was with 1st wife for ten (married 5) and 2nd wife for 12 years now (married 10). About 10 years seems to be my limit lol, if history is any indication.

    I don't tend to have a wandering eye (well we all look) until I have been shut out and rejected so much that I feel I have to. That may not be right to do, but again, it is my history. I had a conversation with a lady yesterday and she said something that makes perfect sense. If your libidos don't match up, you definitely will have trouble in the future. That's the general gist of it anyway. And she is so right.

    Thanks again!


  3. Dear DV,

    I love your insite on this subject and I myself have past issues with realtionships. You need both parties to work hard every day. It is not always easy work but if you both truly love eachother then things will work out for the best.


  4. "I'm not sure we are monogamous by nature, although I am by preference."

    @NeoDom: Very good comment. I don't believe humans are monogamous by nature. One can be happy to be monogamous if it's a choice. I think the unhappiness comes in when monogamy is forced in order to conform to society or religion's unrealistic edicts.

    These days people live too long to stay "in love" with the same person. We grow, we change. No one is the same person throughout life. Your mate (married or not) and you might not grow in the same direction. Also, people are far more mobile and in contact with many other people than in earlier times that our paths may not have ever crossed. More opportunities exist (travel, the Internet, transient work patterns) to explore and be with another person.

    Relationships have a shelf life--2 years, 14 years, 40 years. Whichever, it's important to know when to get out. I'm pretty decisive but when it comes to getting out of relationships I'm horrible at making a decision. I hate to be the one to pull the trigger.

    Good luck DV.