May 4, 2010

Decisions (Part 2)

In our last segment, I covered a lot about my life, where I have been, and how I got to where I am now. Could I have made better decisions along the way. Sure I could have. We all could have made better decisions in our life. But hindsight is 20/20, and if I had that hindsight before making my decisions, well...wouldn't life be nice. Yet, our decisions and what they make us endure in life are what shape us into the person we are today. If you are happy with where you are and the person you are today, then you can't complain. If you aren't happy, then you can make the decision(s) to change that and begin down a new road.

We can all look back and say I should have gone down the road not taken. But this is where you are now and that can't be changed. we are facing the decisions of what to do next? Where do I go from here? Where do I "want" to go from here? Where do I "need" to go from here? That can be the hard part. The want versus the need may be two totally different scenarios. Especially when your decisions can have life altering affects on the other people in your life. I hate to tell you all, or even admit it to myself, but life isn't all about "you". As much as we like to be selfish and gain self-gratification in al that we do, thee are other people to be considered. And sometimes must be considered even more so than we consider ourselves.

This segment has absolutely nothing to do with me, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the D/s dynamic. It has to do with my daughter. I talked in my last post about my situation with my wife and the decision we made to stay together for our daughter. This is a very tough subject. It has more questions than answers. We both want nothing but the best for our daughter, as any parent should. We don't want her to be brought up in a broken home. We want her to be raised in a stable family with both parents present. Or that is what we have discussed and agreed upon. Last week the subject was brought up again, about what if we didn't stay married. I surprised myself when I said this, and I'll paraphrase:

I have no intentions of leaving and no intentions of splitting up our home. However, if I thought it was best for "daughter" in the long run then I would do that."

I have had to think very long and hard about this. But would I do what I though was best for her...sure I would. What is best for her? Well, that I have no idea about. I was watching "Grey's Anatomy" last year (I know I know, get off my back). There was an episode where one of the Doctors was justifying to her father about her divorce. the gist of it was that she would rather her son be raised by parents that were happy but separated, than by parents that were not happy and fought all the time. She didn't want her son raised to think and believe that is what marriage is about. That marriage is a special thing between two people that love and care for each other and show it. I can't argue with this, and it really hit home for me. Maybe my daughter is better off not being raised in a home where we can't show her what love really is and should be? Maybe she shouldn't be raised in a house where we allow each other to see other people? Not that we do it openly where she would know, mind you. Is that teaching her bad habits and giving false impressions? Is this teaching her that mariage is not sacred and special? Would she be better off with us not together?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I wish I had the hindsight already, so I would know the answer. Whatever the answer, it is not an easy one. It will not be taken lightly, and will not be made quickly. This is one that keeps me in turmoil. I love my daughter to death. So what is the right direction to take? I don't know that there is one. Thee may not be a right answer. It may just be the best of the bad alternatives.

ARGH!!! Decisions, Decisions?!?!?!?!?!


  1. Divorce is very hard on everyone. And it is not easy on the kids. I got divorced when my daughter was 4. It didnt seem to bother at the time but now she is 13 and she has a lot of questions and it upsets her sometimes. But she knows her father and I love her very much and we have agreed not to talk about our differences in front of her.

    In my opinion, being in a home where the parents dont get along is worse then when a parent moves on to make a better life. Its not always easy but kids are stong and far more understanding then we sometimes give them credit for.

    I do not know how old your daughter is but I do think age has a big factor on this subject. I think teenagers might have a harder time adjusting then a yournger child would.

    I wish you the best of luck.

  2. Hi, this is a sensitive subject and I hope you won't mind me just telling you a bit about some of my friends.
    So many of my friends parents are divorced, and the real thing that tears the family apart is the process. Some familys managed it, the ones where my friends were happiest is where the parents were totaly honest with them and each other. Lawyers were not involved. It did not turn into a slagging match. The friend did not turn into the confident of either parent about how awful the other was. It was the parent who were able to keep in civilised contact, asked the child for ideas about custody (this is a tricky one though and parent have to keep their emotions out), and stayed in contact with each other afterwards. This was were it worked.
    Noble how it might seem none of my friends appreciated parents staying together for them, it put the onus on them, the argument terrified them and the fact that both the parents were unhappy cause them to be as well. It was not a healthy atmosphere.
    Reading your blog it seems as if you don't hate your wife you have just grown apart and thus you are not out to destroy each other in a divorce or not. Yet if you continue with you open marriage you might well end up confusing your daughter.
    God it is a difficult one and yes both choices are bad. I hope this helps and Good luck.

  3. Dear DV,

    Sorry to hear about the turmoil in your life... You know, I really don't have much experience in this realm (my parents are still together after over 40 years and I've never been divorced), but I will say one thing. You mentioned that you weren't sure that it was a good thing for your daughter to grow up in a house where the parents were in an open marriage (regardless of whether or not she was aware that you two were seeing other people). For me, it's not that she's growing up with parents who are in an open marriage, but rather that she is growing up in a house where you and your wife are unhappy and are not in love with one another. More and more often, researchers have come forward to say that "staying together for the kids" doesn't usually work and causes more pain than good.

    Again, this is just my two cents...please feel free to ignore! :) I wish you all the best and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this...

    Take care,
    Baby Girl :)

    P.S. Grey's Anatomy??? What the??? ;)

  4. DV,

    I too saw that episode of Grays Anatomy (I blame mouse) so I do understand what you mean. I do not know, nor wish to know the age of your daughter, however I am assuming she is quite young. The decision to divorce should never be taken lightly. You also must be aware that all your daughter's future relationships will be likely because of the decisions you and your wife make today. How confused or healthy toward relationships will be thoroughly based on what she sees not only how she interprets it.

    The best example of good marriages and good divorces are the ones where the best interest of the child override any petty differences. Where holidays and birthdays are spent together (not to mention makes seating arrangements at weddings much easier), along with new spouses or friends. Where your daughter is allowed to see that even if things do not work out, mum and dad do not live together, they are still fully vested. They can be better friends and greater parents apart than they were together.

    This path is not easy, because it requires that pettiness and all the "they did this...and I want that.." be pushed aside. However from what you describe about your situation, I believe an obtainable and worthy goal.

    Years ago, I too had to make decisions based on the over-all welfare of children too young to understand the intricacies of relationships and mental illness. In the end I made a bad choice to maintain a status quo that was destined to self destruct. One thing today I am truly grateful is that mouse is my life and mother now to my offspring. She has provided a stability and balance they had missed out on, and a barometer of what a healthy relationship (kink aside) is.

    Be well,

  5. I agree with most of the comments made here:
    i had a very happy upbringing in a home where my parents clearly very much loved each other, and still had a (audible!!) great sex life after 25 years of marriage (it was only my mum's early death that seperated them).
    -yet i have never managed to maintain a relationship for anything longer than 6 years... so i really dont believe in the 'chicken and egg' theory that a lot of people apply to divorced or seperated parents...
    what i mean is, i dont believe being seperated parents always results in low-achieving unhappy kids. It is far more important that as a parent, you practice what you preach: I think showing your children that you can love yourself, be happy, accept your own faults, and work on your strengths to be the best you can for yourself and those around you is the best you can give them....
    Despite having several failed relationships, my 2 eldest, 'E' and 'A' particularly are testimony to that: my 19 year old is the first in my family to go to university (yey, big shout out for E!) and 'A' is studying at the most prestigious college in the area....
    not bad considering they were both brought up, in the main, by a single parent (aka, moi!)..
    yes i am very proud and yes, i am on my soapbox but i truly believe it would have been a very different story if they had been brought up within a lifeless marriage where there was no passion.
    It is passion that drives us, in all forms of life....without that, we are just existing... and so ultimately, will our our kids. x

  6. Thank you all for your responses. there seems to be some very common threads to what you all have to say, so let me clarify this a bit, and try to keep it short.

    My wife and I get along great. We have no issues with each other, besides the lack of intimacy, and desire for it, and that we have just grown apart, and don't thik we can get back to where we want or need to be as a couple. If we did divorce it would be all about our daughter. there would be no fighting amongst ourselves. It would be done with the same lawyer, to get it done as quick and painless as possible. No fighting or aguing over material things. We are both in agreement already on about everything. It is never easy, and boy do I know that. But it would not be a fight by any means either. We would both want to stay fully involved with our daughter, and expect to. We can get along great, so that's not an issue for us.

    It seems that this is what you all are in agreement on, and that we would all be better off if we got the divorce. Maybe we would. Thats just a tough one to pull the trigger on.


  7. In the end DV, do what feels right in your heart.

  8. Having experienced a divorce for the betterment of my children, I can speak on this subject. I knew my divorce was what was indeed best for my children. Years later, I continue to receive validation about my decision when people tell me what responsible, respectable and outstanding young men I have raised. One is on scholarships and in college. One will be receiving an award tonight....Best All-Around award for his grade, an honor his teachers have bestowed upon him.

    To date, however, I am asked how it is that their father, his wife, and I can all sit at a sports event and cheer on the children. How it is that we can all be in the same room and not fuss or fight. How it is that we get along. For me, that answer is easy. FOR THE KIDS. Once divorce hits a family, in my opinion, the focus should shift 100% to providing the child with a POSITIVE atmosphere. It isn't their fault that mommy and daddy couldn't work it out. It isn't their fault that your marriage failed. (and no, I don't mean you in particular).

    I wish I had the answers for you and your life. Only you have those. I do know that I was able to raise great kids despite divorcing their father. It can be done, if you keep your focus in the proper place.

    Wishing you my best!


  9. It's a tough decision for sure.

    I am glad to see you discuss the "Grey's Anatomy" situation. I was going to state that not having two parents in the same household or divorced does not mean "a broken home". Raising a child in a hostile, tense environment is a broken home. Glad to see you understand this and are throwing it into consideration of what to do.

    I can tell you countless stories of friends through the years who parents fought openly, or who's dads lived in the house but they didn't know him. It was just a guy who showed up late at night and mowed the lawn on the weekend.

    I do have one friend (used to be a lover) who has two daughters that he stays in the marriage for. He and his wife don't fight openly, they don't yell, they have pretty much no emotion positive or negative towards each other. They do things as a family often. But as husband and wife...nada. She mentioned separate bedrooms but he said no worried that then the kids would know everything is not alright. His daughters are 9 and 14. I'm sure they know everything is not the same but the home is happy. The mom and dad are happy. The husband and wife, happy with each other...not so much.

  10. Dear DV,
    I've been out of pocket for awhile and fell behind in my reading. I'm sorry for your struggle.