November 9, 2012

Losing the Thrill? (Formspring Question)

I received the following comment/question via Formspring:

Love your honesty in answering questions, quite HOT! I am new to BDSM, obviously. So, before I get over my head in this new relationship and my heart broken, let me ask you this? Do dominant men lose the thrill of their sub once they are "broken in"?

First, thank you so much for the compliment.  Can't say that me or my honesty has ever been referred as hot before, but I won't complain.  :)

This question is almost like deja vu.  I've had this conversation a couple of times over the past month or so.  Even within the last week.  I will assume by broken in this means that you are at least past the initial stages of becoming familiar with being submissive and having a Dominant lead them down that road.  Or, at least that's how I'm going to approach this. 

As for my own personal views, I think that any Dom who is just there for the thrill of "breaking you in" and then wishes to be on his way isn't worth the time.  This is, of course, unless this is known from the start and you are both in it for this reason.  Otherwise, you go through all this with him, get attached, develop feelings, connect and bond on a deep intimate level, and then end up an emotional basket case because he moves on.  And why?  All because he made his conquest and is now onto someone else.

In my eyes, unless you go into with that purpose and it is known, that is just...Wrong...Wrong...Wrong...on so many levels!

For me, losing the thrill doesn't even cross my mind or play into it.  It's not about getting a submissive used to this and what it is like and then nothing more.  It's about the ever-evolving relationship and dynamic between the two of you.  I don't see it as a period of initial learning and then you move into the next phase.  I see it as something that is continuously growing and becoming more, with no specific phases or end points.  It is a constant progression together to become more for each other.  If you back out after the initial "break in" period ( I feel like I'm talking about a car or something lol)  then you are missing out on how deep and fulfilling a D/s relationship can grow to be. 

I think so much of it depends on the person you are involved with in this.  A good person/man (Dom doesn't even really have to be a part of the equation) won't ever see it as getting your feet wet and then leaving you start it all again.  If this is a concern for you, then you two need to be very open with your communication and define what you want and your expectations with each other.  He needs to know how you view your relationship, now and in the future, just as you need to know how he sees it.  there doesn't need to be any surprises, as far as this goes. 

I hope this answers your question(s).  Thanks for asking this, and again for the compliments. 



  1. i must admit i read this question with horror.

    thanks for that answer.. it's so true.. .that a D/s relationship can only ever get more deep and fulfilling... i don't think there can ever be a "finish line" for submission.

  2. Great question and reply.. I agree communication is key. And no matter how much we as subs relinquish our power and will, we need to hold on to our intuition and trust our gut too. Any one who looks to "break" someone else and then leave is a predator and does not deserve our attention at all whatsoever.



  3. I suppose its all a matter of how someone is defining "breaking someone" for us (me and the bossman) its something that has a positive outcome, to aid in getting those walls down, not just for me and him but to the benefit of us both.

    The thrill should be ongoing as the relationship is explored together.


  4. I can relate to this concern as well.

    As a new submissive this is a question that lingers in my mind pretty frequently. Perhaps experienced s types deal with it as well?

    From my newbie perspective you’re just not sure what this is all about. And (as you, DV, have made clear before) sometimes the thought or feelings conveyed cannot be trusted until they are actually experienced. And (as you, DV, have made clear before) sometimes this just takes time. In the meantime, though, we long to be your desired one. In the beginning, we are shedding light on a newly discovered or opened part of ourselves and then add to it that we are trying to figure out what it is Doms are really getting out of all this. Could it possibly be that you have no ulterior motive than to have us, just us? Uh, what?

    This is just my opinion but, it can be overwhelming & intense. I guess that is why the communication and the honesty are so important. And to the questioner I would say, make the leap. What have you to lose? If you let your guard down, settle into your new submission and you are no longer his “entertainment” through the “breaking in”- the sooner you know the better.

    In the end, it’s a lesson and the majority of life’s lessons involve making mistakes or experiencing pain. You will heal & come out as a better person and submissive after all is said and done. Best wishes.