November 25, 2012

Is Asking Demanding? (Formspring Question)

I received the following Formspring question:

  My Dom is the best lover I have ever had and he satisfies me in ways I didn't even know existed. But there is only one problem, he never goes down on me, which is something I really miss. I feel like asking for it is too demanding for a sub. How do I ask?

This is very interesting and something I think many submissives grapple with, within themselves. To me this question goes much further than just asking for oral sex.  It's about asking for what you want and need at all.  It's about feeling like you have a voice and can speak up when there is something you are missing or feel you need from the relationship. 

Any of you that have read my blog for any length of time know what I'm going to say about this.  It all about...communication.  It's about being able to talk openly and feeling free to do so.  Yet, I think the main thing to know is it's has everything to do with how you go about it.  There are ways to ask and bring it up and ways not to not do it.  Done incorrectly, your request can come across as demanding.  But, if you bring it up as something you have noticed, something you feel you miss, and something you would like him to consider, and leave it at that then you should be fine. 

As part of the list of rules I have always used with my subs, I have a clause in there for being open and how her thoughts matter.  Here is what it says: 
Your opinion matters. Your thoughts, needs, desires, opinions, and views will always be taken into account. You may not always get what you want, but you will be heard. Always feel free to express your opinion...but do it in a respectful manner.
I think this is vitally important in a D/s relationship.  She has to feel like it's ok to bring things up for discussion.  She has to feel like and know that what she has to say matters and will be heard and taken into consideration.  Bringing these situations up and talking about them in a calm and respectful manner is the most important part.  Expressing yourself and what you feel you need is not at all demanding.  The two of you have to be able to talk and discuss things like this.  Neither Doms or subs are mind readers.  I can't understate how important I think communication and being able and willing to open talk can be.

So my dear Formspring submitter...I think it's perfectly fine for you to bring up this subject with your Dom.  It's not at all demanding to talk about it and express your desire to receive oral stimulation.  Just make sure you talk about it with him respectfully.  The way you go about it makes all the difference. 

1 comment:

  1. This was a great reply, couched in communication for the whole relationship - I couldn't agree more.