January 12, 2011

Doing It Right?!?!

"This is how you know you're doing it right!" 

I came across this picture and it had this caption along with it.   This made me stop in my tracks and think...and stare...and think some more.  Is this true?  Is this how it is supposed to be?  Is this what we should all push for and strive to achieve?  To make her so emotional that she breaks down and cries?

I have written in the past (as many of you know) about feelings and emotions for a submissive in TTWD.  Do I think we should strive for this type of mental and emotional breakdown?  No, not strive for necessarily!  Do I think that this is bound to happen at times?  Yes...absolutely!  I think it is inevitable.  I don't think there is any way around it.

A submissive, whether new to her submission or one that is been involved in this for a while, can be very emotional.  A Master or Dominant is supposed to help her find herself.  To help her find who she really is and needs to be.  To help bring that out of her, into the open, and face it head on.  He is there to push her limits and take her farther than either of them know she can go.  This will bring out some very raw emotions, as well as nervousness and maybe even some fear.  She may not only be scared of what he may do to her, but of how she will react to it.  A majority of the time, this fear is of the unknown.  She is heading into uncharted waters and doesn't know what to expect.  This is only natural.

Just for the record, let me add my usual mantra about this process.  Any of you that follow me regularly know this already.  This isn't about blindly pushing and forcing a submissive to do things.  It isn't about doing things to her, just for the sake of doing them.  A Master or Dom should be very calculated in his approach and methods.  This should be done with care and safety in mind.   I don't necessarily believe in pushing to the point of breaking, with the intent of breaking.  Yet, at times it will happen.  If you are doing your job, she will be pushed past the breaking point at times.  However, it is the Doms job to be able to read her and see when she is there, even if the activity is new to him as well.  She is at his mercy and his control, and it is his job to take care of her.  There is never anything wrong with small baby steps and working into things.

You must be prepared to care for her not only during the process of the activity you are doing, but after as well.    The aftercare and support can be as important, if not more so, as the actual activity itself.  This is when she will know that you are there for her...the bond between you can strengthen...and she can feel the love and care you have for her.  It is in this that she knows she is not alone in dealing with this.  It re-affirms her decision to be yours, as she can see and feel that she gave herself to you, you pushed her, she went over the edge, and you are there to catch her and help her through the mental and emotional aspects that follow.  It is in this, that she will become even more yours, as the bonds between you grow deeper.

So...do I think you have to break her down, like in the picture, to be doing things right?  No I don't!  But I do think it will happen at times, whether it is planned or not.  It is part of the process.  It is how the two of you deal with it and deal with each other, when it does happen, that matters most.  It's this dealing with it that can ultimately show you both how much you mean to each other, bring you closer, and show you the purpose of the whole relationship.  She should never have to deal with these emotions on her own.  It should always be something you work through together to better understand where you have been, where you are, and where you would like to go.  Apart...you will not make it very far!  Together...you can climb mountains!


  1. I think in any relationship you are bound to breakdown. A couple is not always on the same page and as a submissive giving up your will on the issue is likely to bring you to the point of tears... but as long as your Dom knows how you are feeling and cares for how you feel then in the end all will work out.

    That is what I hope to believe in.

  2. You write and post good ideas on the dom/sub lifetsyle, but you've written about submissive emotions and feelings and the dom being there for the sub afterwards many times now. You make the same comments about this topic every time. I know this sounds critical of your work, but it would be refreshing and enlightening if you would e-x-p-a-n-d some on the concepts of the dynamic. Yeah, I could go to another blog to find more thoughts and ideas, but you have a good base on the dynamic right here. You just need to enlightened us more and not be as repetative.

  3. The best post I've read in a very long time. Total agreement, and as a sub something that is very important to understand. You've inspired me to write...I thank you kindly :-)

  4. wonderful post... thank You DV... there is often so much focus on the actual event online with limited reflection upon the import of aftercare.

    it is certainly my experience (limited though it may be) that aftercare is where the magical bonding solidifies, reinforced, as You say, by the Dom's presence... being there and caring.

    any jerk can make someone cry... can break a sub... but it takes a very special Dom to be able to well-manage aftercare and to bring the sub back from across the divide...

    better and stronger for it.

    thank You for the post!


  5. Terrific post DV. Very well said and heartfelt as well. And for other Dom's I would just like to say, "Never fear her tears." There is often joy, happiness, and wonder mixed with her emotional release - on other words, "You may have not broken her but instead broken through." Happy Day, xo - E.

  6. I think anytime your in a freakin relationship there is bound to be some serious emotional distress. and that sucks ass.

    I would love to say that I am better off without a man and all the bullshit. but I know better.
    I need and want them.
    Great post

  7. Glad I made it here on the day of this post. Thank you.

  8. Carrie...Your main point is well taken. As long as your Dom knows and cares, that's what matters and it will all work out.

    Hawk...thanks very much. Glad it touched you so much, and you found some inspiration.

    KK...very well put. Anyone can push too far and break her. A real Dom can care afterwards, comfort her, and bring her back. It is definitely in this time that the bonds solidify. Great comment!

    Ella...I love your comment as well. "Don't be afraid of her tears." And you are very correct in that you may not have broken her, but rather broken through to her. Awesome concept!

    KittyCat...This made me laugh. I love it, and also understand the truth behind it. Male or female, we all have times we feel this way.

    Captive...I'm glad you made it by as well. You're more than welcome.


  9. Wonderful post, Sir!

    @ Ellagirl--very well said!

  10. Absolute agreement with Ellagirl..tears are not to be feared but embraced.

    Terrific post to provoke so much thought and discussion.


  11. DV I loved this post! Also Ella's comment. Thank you both :)

  12. I also reblogged that photo but my caption was, "cleansing". When a woman breaks down emotionally it is not always about breaking her wonderful spirit, it is about the cleaning of old emotions that are no longer useful.