July 3, 2012

The Fear Of...

I have noticed over my years of being a Dominant (that made me sound old didn't it?!?!  lol!), that there are a lot of of very strong women that want and need to be involved in a power exchange relationship.  Many of these women have a personality than no one would ever think that they would want to submit to someone.  They are very independent, strong, confident, attractive, and project themselves well in front of others.  Their daily lives many times consists of having to be in charge, lead, and direct.  They are in positions of authority in the workplace or community.  They are very goal oriented, and even perfectionists in all they do.  Even to the point of being a bit OCD in having to have everything a certain way.

So, why on earth would a woman like this be interested in a relationship where she has no power or control?  Why would she want to submit and give control to someone else?  The simple answer...because she needs it.   Many times, this type woman is in these positions because of her drive to succeed.  Yet, she craves direction.  Her need to achieve, being able to follow direction, accomplish all that has been asked her, and move up the ladder within her career has gained her all she has sought.  But, now she has surpassed being able to follow directives and achieve what has been asked of her.  She is now the one in charge, and that may not sit well with her needs.  The irony is that her need to please and do well, and flourishing under others, is the very thing that moved her up into a position of having to guide others beneath her.  Doing so well for others, at least in the workplace, is what got her noticed, promoted, and put in charge. 

In being able to submit, it is her release.  It's gets her back in balance, and it the one place she can let go of the pressures of everything else and relax.  She feels most comfortable in being in a structured environment where she is accountable to someone else.  A place where someone else has oversight of her.  For many overachieving women, though, this brings on a new problem within the D/s realm.  That problem is Fear.  It's not fear of her partner, fear of what he may do, or fear of what he will require of her.  It's fear of not being enough.  Fear of disappointing him. 

In the workplace, there are boundaries.  She can only be pushed so far.  In her relationship, she knows she can constantly be pushed.  She can be pushed further than in anything else.  This can bring out a fear of disappointment.  In her mind, this is worse than anything that could be done to her.  She is used to being able to accomplish her goals and succeed.  But in D/s, she will be pushed mentally, emotionally, and physically like in nothing else.  She will be made to bare herself, emotionally and physically,  The one thing that can hold her back is the fear of not being enough to her Dominant.  Not being enough as a woman.  Not being enough as a submissive.  Not being able to give enough of herself, and the fear that she will disappoint her Dom in her efforts.  She is used to giving her all and being successful.  Yet, in D/s she is afraid that she will not be as successful and will let her Dominant down.  This fear can take over and cause a lot of problems in the relationship if not noticed and handled properly. 

Luckily for us Doms, this can be a good thing.  With some care and attention, and lots of communication, this can be addressed.  In handling this carefully, showing her what she means to you, and that you have no worry at all on your side about her ability to please you, she can find comfort in her abilities and what she means to you.  It takes a lot of care, support and reassurance.  But in the end, this process can bring you both closer, build the trust level to be stronger, and she will respect you more for the Dominant you are in helping, supporting and guiding her.  She will respect and believe in you more as a man, for taking the time to show her that her fears are unfounded, and just how grateful you are for all she is and gives to you. 

Fear of being a disappointment is something all Dominants need to be aware of abut their submissives. In the Doms mind, it may be completely unfounded.  But in her mind, it is very real.  And most importantly, if it is real to her, then it better become real to you.  Do not make light of it and push it aside.  Be very aware of it, and learn how to deal with it.  She will appreciate you more for understanding and working her through this mental block.  To me, it's part of the process in being a good leader and Dom for her.  It isn't always just fun play and games.  There are serious situations that sometimes need to be addressed.  It can take time, as well, to work through these issues.  But, the end result in taking this time and working through this together, is well worth all the effort.


  1. Oh i loved this..im that submissive in many ways! and i have not looked at it in that perspective before i have had this conflict (not so much now as time has gone on)that i dont seem to have specific submissive traits.

    My career is very important to me and im in a position of authority and responsibility, im determined, driven, outspoken and opinionated and i have wandered if this is a conflict or a hurdle in my submission but Master has said if anything it makes me a stronger (not in the physical sense) submissive and thats his preference.

    Its not without its downfalls sometimes i find it difficult to switch off from work mode and i feel its like perhaps having a multiple personality and i panic that i wander which one i really am...but really its possible to be both and to thrive on it.

    tori x

  2. Excellent post. Most of the women in the scene I have met are strong and independent people.

  3. A wonderful well thought out post. It is true us submissives do fear disappointing our Masters/Doms/Sirs/Daddys at times. Have a good fouth.

  4. Wonderful post!
    This is me exactly, I have struggled with this for a long time, finally understand that I want to be controlled and lead, but I am also still myself too.

    A strong independent sometimes bossy, aggressive woman, who enjoys a firm hand as well.
    The power play excites me, and it's been hard to fully understand it all (I'm still learning what I think I want and need)
    I do wrestle though with fear of loss of control, as I am also very OCD in many ways.
    Being out of control is exciting and scary, but more over exciting lately

  5. independent / willful / strong / leader / authoritative / OCPD (one of my post titles in fact LOL) - all true, all accurate.

    Fear of disappointing my other half - also very, very true.

    Thank you for writing this. It's right on the mark in many many ways!

  6. PS I hope you don't mind, I've linked to this post in my next post on my own blog... thanks.

  7. This was very insightful, you explained my personailty very, very well.

  8. Thank you all for your comments. I'm glad you could relate to this so well. I thought it was important to make mention of this type of fear for a submissive, as well as the need by a Dom to take it seriously, handle it carefully, and not blow it off.

    FA...I don't mind at all. I always appreciate back-links to my posts and knowing I'm affecting those that read my blog enough to expound on the subject in their own way on their own blog. :0


  9. What a great post. My personality is a lot like you described. I can relate to this in many ways! Thanks for sharing:)


  10. I've noticed this trend as well, DV, and it describes my wife to a tee--she is strong and in a position of authority, but wants to balance this out by being giving up control and feeling "taken care of" in the bedroom and in our personal relationship.

    And the point about fear of disappointing me is a good one as well--that's a bugaboo we deal with frequently. Well-thought out post!

  11. Great post. Very insightful. I'm one of these women (and I write about them too) and you've given me some food for thought about myself and my characters. Thanks!

  12. I'm also one of these women that you describe (though not in the traditional sense). Expanding on your thoughts, I find a lot of my release coming from the fact that for the 90 or so minutes I have with my Sir every week, I have no responsibilities or decisions to make. He decides what I do or do not deserve. Also, very true on the insight of fear...though I'm not sure if that's the right word. I'm not afraid of being unworthy, I KNOW that I am. In my blog I wrote a short arc titled "Shame" that explores an incident where this "fear" of disappointing my Sir came up. That very feeling of disappointing our Sirs is a strong character in the story of the Submissive.

  13. This is one of the things I struggled with and still do to a degree. How can I be both? Both confident and strong and also have this deep seeded desire to be controlled...I have come to understand, thanks to a great Dom I know...that I can be all of these things and that it's ok to accept and embrace all sides of myself. Not to feel embarrassed or ashamed for what I need and who I am and to go after it. To let myself go and to know that the sub side of me isn't "bad" or "wrong" and it's just who I am...And I love who I am!! :)

  14. Thank you for your blog it is helping me with my recently discovered submissive side of me. I completely agree with this post as a career woman I have reached the top of the ladder and felt empty and lost. Having entered a relationship with a Dom I am rediscovering my drive and zest which has translated itself across all areas of my life.
    I now feel anchored, sexy and strong but free and liberated.