July 17, 2012

The Strength Within

"Patience is a Virtue"...how many times have we all heard that?  For me, more than we care to count.  Especially when in today's society everything seems to be so fast and furious.  Technology has made us want instant gratification and instant results right now.  I am no exception.  Yet, at the same time I teach about patience and that some things just take time.  So how do we deal with the fact that we need patience, yet want something right this minute?

The answer is very simple...inner strength.  I think having a lot of inner strength is vitally important to being a Dominant.  I don't mean being physically strong, and even having that presence about you that exudes Dominance.  Sometimes, it can take all a dominant has to be strong and be patient.  This can be an internal battle he fights within himself. I'm not looking at this as patience in dealing with a submissive, or patience in seeing progress and growth within her.  That should be a given, as nothing happens overnight.  I'm talking about the strength to hold out yourself, as the Dominant, to be able to be better for the submissive. 

One example of this is a short story I saw attached to a picture on tumblr yesterday.  It was all about the Dom teasing the sub, getting her all worked up, letting her stew about it mentally, yet not letting her have any release.  Many times that is the point of the exercise, and in showing who is in charge and in control.  She gets her release when he allows it.  She can ache and throb within, be a sloppy mess between her legs, and she can beg and plead to have him and have her release.  She can need it more than anything.  Yet, she doesn't get it.

This is where having inner strength comes into play for the Dom.  It can be very easy to push her just a bit, and give her what she wants as soon as she begs a little.  But does that serve the greater good of your relationship?  Giving her what she wants every time she wants it, just because she asks?  I don't think it does!  It can be very difficult to say no to a beautiful woman who is overly sexually aroused, and begging and pleading to be taken.  I mean, who in their right mind would turn that down, right?  But part of being in control is being in control of yourself.  You have to be strong to deny her to accomplish the goal you set out to reach. 

Another aspect of inner strength has to do with standing firm in your beliefs, your rules, and your expectations.  You can't be wishy washy and go back and forth.  Remaining steadfast and holding your ground is very important.  That doesn't mean you can't look at things from a different perspective and adjust how you do something.  It just means that you have to be consistent in your approach with your submissive.  You may not always feel like stepping up and taking control, but it is necessary.  Whether that is enacting punishment, giving guidance, or not cutting any slack on a known rule within the relationship.  As a Dom, you will be pushed and tested to make sure you are standing strong and that the line in the sand is still in the same place.  This can take strength to make sure you stand firm.

I believe that a much stronger relationship can be formed when a Dominant has inner strength.  Together, when he remains strong, they can reach much further than if he gives in.  the submissive will respect him much more for standing firm, then if she feels she can push him around.  Not to mention that pretty much defeats the whole purpose of the power exchange between them.  You can still be loving, and caring, and supportive, and nurturing.  Yet, you must stay strong and find your inner strength.  The strength that is part of you and the strength she deserves to see and have from you. 


  1. Thanks. I realise as i'm reading this that one of the things that draws me to BIKSS is his steadfastness. He's consistent. And constant. And that's so appealing in a Dominant.

  2. Im not the most patient of people i admit that but i have learnt to manage it through his consistencey, if the man says something will happen it will but when he decides and no begging or worse sulky behaviour (which he wont tolerate) will make him budge.

    I think its important for a dominant to be consistent, i need to know rules and his expectations of me are not going to change on a whim.

    Denying me sexual release is his right amongst many other things, i dont like it but yet i like having no choice, i can and will beg and he likes this, i guess it appeals to the sadist in him, however it doesnt tend to influence his decisions.

  3. a great post DV....self control is vitally important for a Dominant as well as consistency within the relationship staying steadfast with the rules that have been put in place, i feel submissives respond better to their Dominant when they know that He is always in control and cant be swayed....lol

    blossom x

  4. Continuing the tradition of relevant sayings... "You're only as strong as the weakest link". While most people might assume the sub to always be the "weak link", the dynamic is symbiotic. To used a borrowed phrase from my own Sir, the "paradoxical truth of submission is that it empowers the submissive." The strength and willpower of the dom not only benefits his sub, but to the greater whole of the relationship. His patience is something that I have come to trust... he knows what I need and when I need it, and the more honest and open I am with my body and heart, the more he can be an accurate judge of those things.


  5. Master told me yesterday that He believes a dominant needs a very sstrong will, a hard hand and a soft heart...that describes Him. His consistency has carried us a long way. Good post abby

  6. Wonderful post, DV! I admit I'm not a very patient person, most of the time when I want something I want it now.

    And if I ever find Dom as you are, I'll count myself lucky.

    hugs & kisses,

  7. I'm finding over time that ... like a mirror ... his self control becomes my own ... the consistency and strength of will that bind me to him so strongly become my own ... the sub who waits ... patient and still even as every cell in her body is screaming for release ... shows no less resilience than the Dom who has the power and purpose to push her to that point ... and so I am empowered to be all that he could possibly wish me to be ... M

  8. A great post. I hate being denied the sexual release I ache for. And it engenders the most intense submission I can feel-so I love it too. Wicked the way that works.

  9. It is the Dominant's self-control that really attracts me to him ~ and that turns me on, for that matter! If i tried to identify one quality that is absolutely essential to practicing BDSM, that would be it.

    I think what you describe is just one way Dominants demonstrate and practice self-control ~ and it's a powerful one. Thank you for writing about it.