April 10, 2012

Formspring: Outlets For Spousal Differences

I just came upon your blog through another blog. You state your wife is not into the scene with you. What is your outlet? I'm not trying to be overly nosy but I am curious when one spouse has needs the other isn't able or willing to fulfill. Thanks!

I have mentioned this in my blog before, but it's not something I discuss very much.  Yet, those that have followed me for a while know I'm married and she isn't into the lifestyle.  Actually, it is because of our intimacy differences, and growing apart years ago in the area, that has enabled me to venture into D/s as I have.  For lack of a better way to put it, we have an open relationship and allow each other to do our own thing outside the home.  She is very aware of what I'm into, aware of my blogs, and supports me in my ventures.  That is, as long as it doesn't affect our home life.  Even if we were still intimate, in no way would she be into D/s or bdsm.  It's just not her or her personality.

So, for me this is how I have an outlet to meet the needs that I can't get at home.  The only real way I know of to scratch the itch is to find someone willing to scratch it for you.  For me that is pretty easy because we are very open in our communication and each is aware of the others activities.  For most people, that would mean sneaking around, having an affair, infidelity, or whatever you want to call it.  Most partners in a relationship are not going to agree to an open relationship.  For that matter, most couples don't seem to have enough open communication to even discuss it.

Now, before you go to far, DV did not say go out and have an affair. If you do that, it is by your own choosing and the choices you have decided to make for yourself.  Ultimately, you need to be able to sit down and discuss things in a calm and rational manner with your spouse.  After all, if you can't talk to your spouse then there are bigger issues than differences in sexual needs.  You need to be able to discuss with each other what your needs are and why.  Try to find some middle ground that can work for you both. 

In a good marital relationship, each person should be willing to try new and different things in order to help meet the needs of each other.  You may not be able to get your husband or wife fully on board with this scene, but if you get them part of the way there it's better than nothing, assuming that is what you want and need yourself.  I think a married couple should always do everything possible for each other to make things work.  After all, isn't that what marriage is about?!?!  If you can't do this and it doesn't work, then you are left with few options, and they all seem to involve doing something behind your spouses back, so to speak. 

As a general rule, if you are down to the few options, and you choose to go outside your marriage, then there are bigger problems with your marriage than a lack of bdsm or D/s.  And yes, I fall into the category of bigger problems.  I won't exclude myself from that.  I have been lucky enough to be able to work through this with my wife and keep our family in tact.  It's certainly not the most ideal, and I do miss out on a lot because of it.  But, as for now it works for us and is what we have agreed to do.  that may change down the road, but only time will tell. 

Thanks for the question.  I'm not sure this helped, but maybe it helped reinforce what you already know.



  1. That was a very candid answer, it is nice that you found a way to get what you need.

    1. It does make it much easier to be in a situation where it is out in the open and can be calmly discussed. Makes life much nicer and less stressful.

  2. For some reason this post made me feel sad for you. It just doesn't make sense that your wife wouldn't want to be intimate with the man she married, wouldn't want to do everything in her power to make him feel loved and adored, but I guess I'm thinking of my own relationship with Daddy.

    I hope I don't offend by what I've written.

    1. No offense taken at all. Of course I would prefer to have never gone down this road and have the kind of marriage you and Daddy have. I think you two are a great couple and a great example of what a marriage should be, no matter what the dynamic involved.

      There is a lot more to our relationship than what I stated, but this is the overall gist of it. I took a long time to get where we are. But at least we can be open and realistic about it and know we each have needs that we can allow the other to seek.

  3. My Master is in a similar situation, and as his submissive it becomes difficult on me, too. While his wife will allow us to meet and even love--she will not allow a geographically close relationship (so we don't see each other nearly as often as we'd like).

    I love Master deeply, but I must always keep in mind that one day it will end. Eventually, my need to have a Master 24/7 in the house will outweigh the love for him. Neither of us looks forward to that day.

    Still, I would not trade this time with Master for anything. Our time together has benefited us both in ways we never imagined. I don't regret anything.

    However, I know the big hurt will come and parting will be painful. So I caution any Dom that before he step outside of marriage, he give careful consideration to the feelings of the submissive he takes on and to understand that he, too, might fall deeply in love.

    Master has been honest from the start and I know he will never leave his wife. But a good D/s relationship can grow so deep and intense that there is a lot of heart-risk involved for both the married Master and the submissive.

    Just something to consider.

    1. Thanks so much for your thoughts and insight since you are living this very situation. you make some excellent points and give a good view of the upside and downside of this.

      When I mentioned I miss out on a lot because of my situation, even with being able to seek what I desire, a more involved (24/7) type relationship is at the top of the list. Being able to be involved on a more constant level and basis is something I would love to have but am unable to pursue. Yet, it could be worse, and I could not be able to pursue anything at all. So, there is good and bad.

      Thanks again for this comment. I was perfectly on target for the subject of this post.

  4. I am also in a similar situation. Submissive in a marriage with no BDSM (among other issues), and involved with a Dominant man with his own marriage challenges. Our spouses know and at least tolerate our relationship. We treasure what we have, but it will never be more than it is.

    It is comforting to know that there are others in the same situation. Thank you for your post.

    1. It is good that you each at least have a outlet to help meet your needs. Especially with your spouses being aware, and tolerating the situation. The hard part is that you know it can't be more than it is already. I know that all too well. It can be hard when you want and need more, but at the same time, you at least have something, and that is much better than nothing. Or that's what I keep telling myself. LOL!

      There are others out there like you, myself included. There is no doubt about that. Thanks so much for your comment.