The Push-Pull Paradox

Many times people say things they think they mean.  They think they know what they are saying, and the result they want from what they have said.  This isn't always the case.  Sometimes our subconscious has other ideas.  Sometimes, deep down our psyche needs something different than what we really think it needs. 

We are all familiar, when it comes to BDSM and/or D/s, that there is the type person known as a brat.  This person purposely pushes and acts out with the intention of needing correction.  Correction is what they are seeking and hoping to get.  Being a brat is their way of getting the control and attention they need.  The brat wish push for the sake of pushing, just so they can feel the other person push back even harder.  In this dynamic, it is fairly clear what is happening and why.  It is not at all hidden, and is typically outwardly obvious. 

But what about when the person isn't a brat?  What about when the pushing isn't as obvious?  What about the times that what a person (in this case a submissive) needs is contrary to what they are saying?  That can be much more difficult to see, and can take a trained eye to notice.  Or more appropriately, it takes really knowing and understanding your partner. 

In my brat scenario, the brat is purposely pushing to feel the push back at them.  In many other cases, and I think this happens much more often in every type of relationship, there is almost a contradiction.  The push may come in the form of a withdrawal.  The submissive can pull back, or even seemingly disguise her withdrawal as giving what she sees as needed space for her Dominant.  She may not even realize herself that she is withdrawing and pulling back.  That is...until she does it and realizes that this move made things worse.  In essence what she is doing, in contrast to the brat pushing to be pushed, is pulling away in order to be pulled back.  Depending on all the circumstances at the time, if the Dominant is not paying attention and reading between the lines, he may very well miss all the indications of what is happening. 

There is some irony to this whole situation...or a paradox.  The sub is pulling back, when in reality she needs to be pulled closer.  She may need more attention, but is hiding it by indicating she needs less.  This can cause some real tension and issues, if you aren't aware of what is going on.    She says she needs or is giving her Dominant space, but the reality is that she needs comfort, at least some slight control, some definition to their dynamic, some attention, support, love and reassurance.  She needs to know you are the strong man you have said you are.  She needs to know that you really are the Dominant she has come to accept, and that you will stand up and be that person when she needs it most.  It doesn't really even matter the type relationship.  She just needs you to recognize her needs, even when she doesn't, and be there standing ready to give that to her. 

The push-pull paradox...it is something we all deal with and face at some point.  The key is to understand the possibility of it, and then be able to recognize it when it may be occurring.  And yes, I of all people know this is easier said than done.  Especially when it can be hidden and disguised under other behavior.  I am guilty of missing it myself.  It isn't always blatant and obvious.  The key is to know your partner as well as you can, and pay attention to their emotional needs.  When they are reaching out, be there to grab them and hold them tight.  It isn't easy.  It's never easy.  But in the end, when you are there for them and recognize their needs...that is when it is worth all the effort you have put into the relationship.