September 2, 2013

The Dark Side Of This Lifestyle...

I received an email from a woman who said she was newly submissive, had lot of questions and needs help.  With her permission, I have cleaned up the email a bit, taken out any personal info, and posted it below.  I thought it would be a great learning tool for many people, as well as for her, to see and read your comments on this.

I know some of your comments will be long, but that is expected and perfectly fine.  Feel free to cover as much of this as you like for her and all others to see.  I responded to her privately about how bad I thought this situation really is.  I look forward to the comments of all my readers and this situation.  Least to say...I think this is what we all warn about and see as a bad and dark side of this lifestyle and how some people use it for really bad and selfish purposes.  This is about as far from what D/s should be, in my opinion.  This is how good people get sucked into really bad situations and ruin what can be such a wonderful and beautiful relationship and lifestyle.

This is your blog post now, so post your comments and views on this situation.


I got on this site called plenty of fish.  This Dom on their found me.  We connected, had a lot in common.  Ive always been interested in bondage but nevr tried it .  I had never been involved with a dom before.  He has told me i belong to him.  Then he brought in what he called a toy for us to play with.  Found out it was a past submissive.  She saw how much our connection with each other was.  She decided she wanted to pull out during this time.  He gets distant from me.   The girl calls me tells me she fell in love with him but pulled out cause she saw we could have something better.  Since she left hes been different with me . He says he doesnt know when he can come see me cause of his job.  He works acorss the country for long periods of time.  So he started sending me to fuck other guys while listening in on phone and controlling when i pee and then told me he wanted me fucked till he got down here to me.  Then later he told me i couldnt fuck no one unless he was listening in cause i was a hot woman.  He has me do videos of me with guys to send to him and of me peeing and everything.  He also told me he wanted evrything i had to offer someone for him only.  Even told me while hes out of state he wanted me so bad it hurt .  He goes home and i dont hear from him but one time out of a week.  I can only talk to him when he contacts me on his work phone.  He hasnt gave me his cell number and we also only have contact by email . This has cause a lot of emotions over me like wanting him more cause of no contact and missing him and lonely and also hurting for him at the same time.  Ive never done this before and these emotions i feel as if ive fallen for him and not sure how a submissive handles emotions like this when her dom is distant.  Hes told me to be patient with him alot and that we were ok but its hard when i dont hear from him and have to wonder when i will hear from him after hes gone back home.  But while hes at work he talks to me from sun up to midnight.  I'm just confused.   Ask any questions you want, i need help.


  1. This was sad to read, unfortunatley its a scenario (or/and ones like this) that happens too often, its not you at all, its people masquerading as dominants.

    My view is that this ttwd etc should be about making you feel good about yourself, building you up, you both up come to that..certainly not about bringing you down.

    If your gut instinct, which i believe it is from reading this, is telling you this isnt feeling right, then thats probably because it isnt right.

    My advice, see DV's blog list on the left, when you have time, go through some of the blogs, have a read, there is a lot of variety and im certainly not saying anyone of them are the way it should be..but

    hopefully you will see that ttwd is and should be positive and enjoyable, a dominant wants to nurture and protect his submissive, and the submissive submits because she is inspired to.

    best of luck


  2. DV...I have to agree with you. This doesn't sound like D/s at all. It sounds like he is in another relationship and is using her. I follow another blog and he is in a long distant relationship. He is the Dom and makes a lot of her decisions but NOTHING like these. He picks her underwear for the day, they have a lot of contact by phone, email, text whatever.

    I really can't understand him wanting her to having sex with other guys, listening on the phone while it's going on, video taping it and sending it to him. That sounds like his own private porn collection. And where did he get these guys from anyway?? Who are they? Do they just show up at her door and say "Hi, your Dom sent me to fuck you?" That's crazy!

    I'm very new to this lifestyle and am also married, so I'm not out there looking for a Dom, but I have done a lot of reading and research and the very first thing you have to have in this lifestyle is trust. The second thing is communication. If you don't have either one of those then you really don't have much of a foundation to build on. From my understanding, a true Dom is one that will protect you, care for you, guide you, make you a better person. Not someone that sends you to fuck other guys, can't/wont make time for you, won't let you contact him.

    I'm sorry for her and I think he is just using her. It sounds like he is in another relationship with someone else.

    Subrina <3

    1. DV....if it's possible can you keep us updated on her? I have been thinking about her since you posted this and my heart breaks for her. I'm glad she reached out, and especially reached out to you. I can only imagine that you have given her some great advice and insight.

      Subrina <3

    2. I havent sent him any videos of me fcking nor have i fcked guys when hes asked i have refused and he would play w me over the phne then

    3. Hi Anonymous!

      Well, I'm glad to hear that you have refused. I hope things are getting better and everyone's comments have helped you. This is a great community and there is a lot of support here. Good luck to you!

      Subrina <3

  3. Being new myself and having gone thru a very difficult period of feeling so very lost & alone, she has done the right thing by reaching out to somebody for guidance - it worked wonders for me! (Saved me from going absolutely mental in fact!!!)
    This Dom does not have her best interests at heart, unless she enjoys being used by various people (hey it happens - no judgements).
    My advice, read the many wonderful blogs ... Both Dom & sub. Reach out & ask questions both online & in your local community. Learn about who YOU are & what you want. KNIOWLEDGE IS POWER!!

    Good luck!


  4. Firstly, let me offer my heartfelt sympathy and a hug as well. I understand how difficult it is to navigate this lifestyle and our feelings about it when it is all new. Adding the element of meeting someone online can often leave our head spinning. It is exciting one minute and scary as hell the next.

    It takes time and a lot of hard work to trust someone. Sometimes, we find out that the people we trust, really are not deserving. That happens "in real life" as well as online. When intense feelings are involved, it can seem impossible to make heads or tails of our situation.

    You met someone online and had a connection. That is a great start, but I am worried that your Dom is taking advantage of your feelings and toying with you. I am worried that your Dom seemed to surprise you with a second submissive. In my opinion, that is something that should be well negotiated, well in advance. I am worried that he has you record yourself fucking other men. In this particular situation, it seems entirely for his benefit. But, mostly, I am concerned at his lack of transparency. Any relationship, especially a long distance one, should be completely open. The fact that he can only talk to you while he is at work and from only one number is not, in and of itself, out of the norm, but the fact that he refuses to give you certain information is simply not acceptable.

    I can go back and forth with MY concerns, but the bottom line is how does this make YOU feel? Because there are many ways to express yourself in D/s and BDSM, but the bottom line is that you should feel good. No matter how you choose to express yourself sexually, you should feel seen, you should feel safe, and you should feel cared for.

    Best wishes,

  5. you are being abused, RUN and run fast.

  6. This post makes me sad.

    i'm new to the scene as well. Before we, my Dom and i, transitioned from just fun sex to D/s relationship, there was a lot of questions and a lot research. Actually, it has not stopped. i'm always going to Him with more questions, concerns, fears, etc. Communication is key, along with trust.

    My initial reaction is this guy is not a great Dom, one who cares and asks His subs. He is an abuser. Now, i don't live in the situation so it isn't fair of me to be judgemental.

    Each D/s journey is different. No two are the same. What you need to do is search your own soul first, figure out what you need from this journey, and then start deciding what you need/want in your Dom. Read blogs, ask questions, and research. If you do not like what is happening in your relationship, leave it. You truly are the one in control.

    Reach out like you are, and know that the community may not know you personally, but they care about you and your well being.

    You deserve the best!!!

  7. Hello Lost Little One: You are smart to reach out to DV and lucky because of all the amazing bloggers that have already/will respond. Below is my response and I hope it finds you well.

    First and foremost – go with your gut. Something is wrong. There is a reason you reached out to DV – because DV respects and nurtures His subs. Plenty of Fish man is not a true Dom - “Dom” is a title reserved for man of honor – this Plenty of Fish man is not honorable. He is an abuser preying on naturally submissive women.

    A real Dom will answer all your questions without hesitation, their private life is open to you. You know where they work, where they live, they are willing to provide personal information.

    A real Dom using the word belonging: That is a strong word and should not be used lightly or quickly. In order for you to belong to a Dom, they have gone through an extensive amount of time of getting to know the true person you are and in return you have discovered who they are. A strong bond has been created, so strong you feel it within your very soul. This takes time. A trusting friendship is developed, then it turns into a sexual relationship.

    Controlling when you pee: If you hold your urine for too long this causes urinary track infections. It can also weaken your bladder eventually requiring you to have surgery. A caring Dom would want you healthy for you and Him. I have only had two Doms and neither would have expected me to hold my pee because it is not healthy for my body.

    Passing you on to other men to fuck: This one I will answer cautiously as each person/couple have their own desires and wants. Since you have brought it up, you are questioning his intent and with good reason. It is as though he is pimping you out and most likely is exploiting your videos. He is putting you into dangerous situations (STDs, rape, your reputation, your own self-respect, your LIFE).

    Long lengths of time passes without hearing from him: Unless he is serving our country overseas I see very little reason why you don’t hear from him on a daily basis. With today’s technology there is not excuse. If a man wants you he makes sure you are in his life daily, he pursues YOU, he wants to make sure you are safe and happy every day.

    Drop this man. It will be hard because in the beginning he will say nice things like he misses you, and you are beautiful, and you belong to him, maybe even give you more attention (this will be short lived). These are empty words, actions speak louder than words. Ignore (and block) his texts, calls, and emails. It will be hard, but you are a strong woman and can do it! Ask yourself – what are you worth?

    My recommendation is to not date for a while, and recover from this abuse. Do things for yourself, eat better, exercise, volunteer, read more about D/s, discover via our bloggers what a healthy Dominant is. Build up your self-esteem, become proud of yourself and accomplishments.

    When you do start to date always let a friend know the details of your date. By the way, a date courts you, they pay for dinner and drinks, they open doors, they respect you, they honor you, they do not expect sex on the first date, and are perfectly okay if you deny them sex until you are ready and comfortable with them. They do not coerce or tell you that you are not a good submissive because you don't perform a sexual act, because ultimately your thoughts/desires are important to them. If your desires do not meet theirs, it just means you are BOTH not compatible for each other. And this is okay, you can move on. NEXT! There are many men out there and you will go through TONS before you find the right one. I would rather paint my toes and stay in – then go out on a half-assed date.

    I recommend The woman running the site is in a Master/slave dynamic and is very good at guiding submissives towards a healthy dominant relationship.

    I wish you luck in your search of self discovery.

  8. Yeah, this man isn't a Dom, he's an abusive, opportunistic arsehole who is taking advantage of your lack of knowledge of a true D/s relationship(where relationship simply means the interaction between a Dom-type and a submissive whether in the context of play alone or something more longterm).
    He no more owns you than I do!
    Agree completely with the suggestion of visiting the website. It's where I first went when venturing into the world of D/s.
    You need to talk to alot of people, both subs and Doms, and get a feel for what it is YOU want out of a power exchange relationship. Negotiation at every juncture is so important for both parties.....this man does NOT have your best interests at heart at all I'm afraid.

    Good luck though, there are many genuine Doms out there who would help and guide you.

    Flip x

  9. Thanks to everyone for your responses and thoughts. they are much appreciated. I have spoken to her since this post and the comments and she is doing well. I believe she can see how this is a bad situation and is looking at correcting it. She is in good spirits and is most appreciative of the help.


    1. Thanks DV for the update! I'm sooooo glad to hear that she is doing well and in good spirits. I really hope that she finds someone that will appreciate her and treat her like she should be treated.

      Subrina <3

  10. Dauntless, I can not believe this guy who she writes about.. and I do agree with Flip X... this man is more of a control freak and a total ass. If a dom loves his sub.. the way a dom should, he would never consider sharing her much less ordering her to do other men while he listens on the phone. Now I do understand that there are some doms who might think differently than I do.. but, if anyone asks the sub which I have trained as I am her first true Sir I have been a guide, a teacher and a man for her along our journey. Although things have not been easy for us and we are now talking through out differences and working toward our common goal again, I don't treat her in any way shape or form like this guy has treated this woman....

    Peace to you my friend, The Bishop ( B )

  11. Hey DV,

    I originally didn't comment on this because I was afraid my comments would be too critical, but B asked me to share my thoughts... so here they are.

    First, to be very frank, I was kind of afraid that the letter was actually fake, that it was just someone attention seeking. But I'm going to respond to it as if it were really.

    The bottom line as far as I am concerned is that being submissive doesn't make it so that I am not in charge of protecting my own heart or of maintaining my own integrity. I am learning and re-learning this as B and I travel along this journey.

    Sex tapes or erotic tapes (a video of peeing isn't erotic to me, but I understand that it could be to others) can be all well and good, but taking any video and sending it to someone who you don't trust implicitly is foolish. I don't think he should have asked you and I don't think you should do it.

    B and I had that conversation at one point, about him watching me pleasure myself. My answer was two-fold. First, that I wouldn't even consider it until we meet in person. Second, I didn't trust him enough yet to be 110% positive that it wouldn't end up on the internet somewhere so I couldn't take that step yet.

    This guy is clearly not behaving in a trustworthy manner, so why would you ever trust him of a compromising video of you??

    I wouldn't ever be with a Dom who was willing to share, but I understand that this is a personal preference, so I'm going to leave that point alone.

    The last thing is... you want to know what guys will talk to you on their work phones but won't ever talk to you when they're not at work???

    The guys who are cheating on their wives with you.

    This would honestly have been the first and biggest red flag to me. If you can't have his cell phone number then he doesn't really want an honest relationship.

    I think you need to get out, whether or not it's abusive at this point, I certainly think it's unhealthy and I think that you are responsible to choose not to engage in unhealthy relationships, whether it's vanilla or D/s.

    That's all I got, and DV, if it's too harsh, it won't hurt my feelings if you just don't post it.


  12. I'm a little late to the party, but still wanted to put in my 2 cents worth. I think to say this guy isn't a dom is not an accurate statement. He is indeed a dom, he is dominating. The thing is not all doms are GOOD doms. This guy is a clear example of that. The trouble is that when bad doms dominate, subs still fall for them and that's when things get really messed up for a sub. It's scary but I think there are a lot of these kinds of Doms out there. I have to tell you I've met so many!!! I've really begun to lose faith in the lifestyle because good doms are really difficult to find.

  13. Desirous, for the man to refuse her any contact but his work cell phone... there is a major problem there,,, A MAJOR PROBLEM. I could be overbearing to say that the man is HIDING SOMETHING, but there are too many smelly fish above the water to think otherwise...

  14. If I might add my's obvious to everyone here that this guy is someone who should be run away from immediately... but the main thing that kept going through my mind as I was reading it was how obviously mentally unstable he is; if he is that unsure of his own mind, he's got no business toying with someone else's. Good luck Anon... I hope you've already run away from him.