September 29, 2013

Is It Play Or Is It Real?!?!

For me it's fairly easy to break BDSM into two main categories.  First, there are those that just like the kink and the role play, which I call kinksters.  It may just be sexually or from time to time for fun or as a way to spice things up.  The second is those that Domination and submission is is a deep part of who they are and something they need in their life.  It transcends just play and kink and is some they need to feel complete and whole.  It's a way of life.  I, without a doubt, fall into the second group.  It's a part of me and what I need to have as a part of a relationship.  It's part of who I am.  There is nothing wrong with being a kinkster, so don't get me wrong.  Either is fine as long as it works for the person engaged in it.  You have to find what fits and is right for you.  But just for play or a role...not for me.

Whenever I see problems within this lifestyle, one way or another it seems to come back to the difference in these two categories, or at least many times it does.  And when people are new to this, especially Dominants, or those claiming to be Dominants, this is the part they just don't get...not yet anyway.  This doesn't mean they can't learn and that most don't want to learn, but they aren't there yet. These Dominants jump right in when they see this and think it looks fun.  They think it would be great to have a woman be at his beck and call.  

Many submissive women, on the other hand, come into this with a deeper understanding initially of who they are and what they need.  They have looked at this for a long time before taking steps towards this lifestyle.  They know it's a part of who they are and what they need.  They have likely battled within themselves as to whether they can or really want to do this.  Or whether they feel it's even right and ok to do this.  They may be very scared and vulnerable but know they need a Dominant Man in their life to be accountable to and to have oversee them.

This is the difference between the seeing it as fun and play, at least initially, while the other
sees it as a way of being and needing the depth of it.  This tends to lead to a lot of potential issues that neither is aware of, prepared to face, or even knows exists.  This is where I see the problems arise and where things can go so very wrong.

Most Dominants don't start out know just how deep and what a responsibility being Dominant really can be.  He doesn't realize just how much the submissive will rely on him and need him.  A majority of what she needs from him will come outside of their scenes or play.  It's before during and after the scene that she needs the care, support, and reassurance from her Dominant.  The Dom has to realize that he is responsible for, and that the sub is looking for, her mental and emotional well being.  He has to realize and understand that the actual play only lasts a short time, but the support and care she needs lasts throughout the entire relationship, day in and day out.  The Dominant should never jeopardize the subs physical, emotional, or mental health and well being just because he wants to have fun, and have her get him off.  If you aren't prepared and expecting to deal with ALL parts of the submissive, you shouldn't be wanting to deal with just the physical apsects.  The exception to this is if both people are completely open, up front, and share their position and expectations and are in total agreement.

I am just looking at this from my own point of view, and where I am coming from as a Dominant that sees this as part of who he is.  Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with just enjoying the play aspects of BDSM, and there are many people that do.  Yet, I believe it's vitally important for those involved to be open about how they see this and what they expect from it.  Is it just fund and play, or is it a dynamic within a relationship that you are seeking?  If it's the relationship, then you have to be wiling to learn, and study and give more than you may have ever given...and in this I am speaking to the Dominant.  Be ready, willing, and able to care for your submissive, inside and out.  If you aren't willing to put that much time and effort into the relationship then you need to be wiling to take a step back and look at the bigger picture...the submissive's overall mental, emotional and physical health and well being.  She is putting all that in your hands, so you better be willing and able to handle all that involves.


  1. DV Sir,

    Yes, this is probably why it's taken us so long to delve deeper. Daddy wrote recently that mouse is treading deep waters and needs trust that he'll help keep her afloat. He knows it's hard and knows that mouse will struggle...but in the end mouse also trusts him.

    Your post reminded mouse just how trustworthy he is.

    So thank you for that.


  2. I would hope that new and would be Doms would find this post before making that leap. Great post!

  3. My experience, when the relationship is on ... it's amazing, it's awesome. I have been very fortunate in finding a couple of really good Doms and when we were together, we were in it to win it. But when it's over .. in both cases (well one could almost say 3 times but I don't really count that time in June), it was very sudden & without warning. A submissive (and presumably, the Dom), at least with a very emotional person like myself, gives their all (NPC said to me once "Isn't that the whole point ... to not hold back?"). So when it ends, it's like losing a part of yourself. Is it that way for Doms? I have never had such deep & horrible pain. I want to be in this lifestyle ... I want D/s and not some kinkster, but the toll it takes on me emotionally, I just don't even know if I can handle it anymore. Any advice on how to carry on when the D/s disolves? Or maybe, I am just too much of an emotional creature that should not peruse this type of intense relationship? Thoughts?

  4. DV,
    Thank you for this post. I sent this to hubby, I think he can learn a lot from this. Thanks for sharing your insight!

    Subrina <3

  5. Yes Yes Yes... you absolutely hit the nail on the head... I wish I'd been able to read this a few weeks ago. It's very apt.. and I don't think all men who are seeking to be Dominant realize how 'deep' the commitment is.

    Thanks for posting this DV,

  6. I really enjoyed reading your post. I have always thought that of the two roles that the Dom's role carries the most responsability. Even when he has earned the trust and submission of his sub he then has to care for, guide and protect her. It takes a very special man to do this and to do it well!

  7. This is why it is imperative, nay , crucial, for the new Dom to allow himself time to research.
    Seek a mentor who has the same Dom type dynamic predilection.

    For me it is a relationship foremost with a D/s dynamic.
    This is real life, not a fairytale.

    He must be a good man first.
    In control of His life, finances, present , and have a strong sense of self prior to EVER taking on the responsibility of another human being