February 15, 2015

It's Not Change...It's Evolution...

Change...that can be a scary thing.  Most of us are afraid of change.  We get used to how things are and like it that way.  If when we don't like how things are, it's familiar to us so change can still be difficult.  Yet, when it comes to this lifestyle, I prefer a term different than change...I prefer evolution.

Yes, things change, people change, and situations change, but in this lifestyle I think we tend to evolve.  I think we grow and progress and become more.  We need more.  Staying stationary isn't enough.  It's stagnant and becomes mundane and boring.  We need to move forward, go further, and be pushed to more.

I have said on more than one occasion that vanilla just isn't enough.  Why is that?  Because we have evolved to needing more than that.  Even once you become a part of the kinky realm and engage in BDSM activities, what once seemed kinky after a while begins to be normal.  It doesn't have the same excitement it once did because it's not new any longer.  It is now the new normal.  This lends us to evolving and pushing for more.  It takes us further down this path to new adventures and activities.  It opens us to becoming more and learning more about ourselves.

I have seen this evolution within myself and others.  I have seen and experienced the changes that can occur once you delve into this lifestyle.  It doesn't happen quickly, but it is part of the process as we move through this.  I have seen people that wanted nothing to do with any form of anal play learn to enjoy and even crave it.  I have seen people that wanted nothing to do with any form or pain come to need it.  I have seen people come around to needing public play and/or humiliation of some form.  The possibilities are endless, but the point is that we evolve from where we were to where we are and what we need and desire.

There are some things that I think are essential for this evolution to occur.  It always comes back to the relationship in which you are involved.  It requires the development of deep trust and respect for your partner and their role with you.  It requires a lot of being open with each other, being able to discuss your needs and desires, and having that free flowing communication.

For many of the activities, it has more to do with the person you are involved with than the desire or need for the actual activity itself.  For instance, a submissive may be more than willing to take pain and suffer for her Dominant, and even find pleasure in doing so, but that may not mean she is a lover of pain or a masochist.  It is all because of the relationship they have together.  It's the way and the context in which the pain is delivered, the circumstances, and who is delivering the pain.  This is all part of the evolution of their relationship, the depth it has grown to, and what they have come to need and desire with each other.

Change, or evolution as I like to call it, is a natural part of progressing within this lifestyle and our relationships within this lifestyle.  It is part of growing closer and becoming more for and with each other.  It's needing to give and have more with each other.  Coming to terms with this evolution and what you find yourself now needing can be difficult at times.  Yet, with an open mind and free flowing communication this can be overcome.  Evolving into more together is essential and natural, as staying stagnant and stationary will gain you nothing.  We all have to learn to embrace the evolution of ourselves in this lifestyle, wherever that may lead us.


  1. "For instance, a submissive may be more than willing to take pain and suffer for her Dominant, and even find pleasure in doing so, but that may not mean she is a lover of pain or a masochist. It is all because of the relationship they have together."

    This describes us perfectly!!

  2. This has come at a perfect time for me. I have noticed some evolving over here (interesting that I haven't thought of it as change--it just doesn't feel that way, change seems more abrupt), and it does feel odd. It's unexpected, yet feels natural, and I think for some reason it has shaken my confidence...

    I'm sure to do some over-thing on the subject. :)

    So nice to see a post from you, as always.

  3. This is an incredibly wonderful post. I completely agree and understand your intentions. Evolution is exactly what is happening in me, my Mistress Wife and in our loving FLM. When we first decide to venture into this unbelievably wonderful lifestyle, I suppose each of us felt the pressure to be able to limit things so that we would feel safer about our venture into the unknown. Some of the limits I know I have/had may have had as much to do with my insecurities about how I (or my wife) would feel about even considering them. Limits are a generally sacred thing when discussing them. The things that you list as limits, and sometimes even more telling, the things that are not on your list of limits have a certain implication that goes along with it.

    take punishment for example. The sexy notion of being lightly spanked is appealing to just about everyone. The sexy notion of being heavily spanked is still appealing to most, even though when it is happening and it is stingy and ouchy, one is hopeful that it will end soon. I am in this category. That being said, I know in my heart that I have evolved into knowing that in order for our relationship to continue to grow, that I must understand and know that I will be subject to the kind of punishments that I may have never considered in the past. Do I want those punishments? Yes and no. Yes in the sense that I know it is and will continue to be an important part of our evolution event though logically it will evolve into the kind of punishments that leave me sobbing, bruised and sore, all of which doesn't happen now. Sobbing, bruised and sore where, in a sense, limits when we started .... but if i were asked now, are no longer.

    Another example of my evolution is the idea of being required to consume my own ejaculate. Do I want to? Consciously I can say no. Sub consciously, a know that when I am reading about a FLM/FLR, wherein it is a standard rule that whenever the submissive male ejaculates, he is required to consume it as a symbolic gesture of his submission ... I get an erection. I have been able to figure out that the act of eating my cum is not at all something sexy enough to arouse me, but rather the requirement, the expectation that I must in order to demonstrate my devotion and submission to my Mistress Wife is unbelievably arousing. Skin in the game so to speak.

    Evolution, yeah what an incredibly great and simple way to describe it!

    tank you again for your incredible post.

  4. DV,

    I have been lurking for some time.

    Thanx for sticking your head out on so many posts.
    Explaining how vulnerability can be used as key in this all was very insightful. The last paragraph of this post was spot on for me.

    Thanx !