February 11, 2013

Can I be Dom? (Reader Question)

I recently received the below question as a comment on an older post.  I replied to the post and asked the anonymous commentor to send me an email, but wasn't sure if they would see the comment I made or not.  I think this is a good question and one that comes up in marriages fairly frequently.  So, why not post it here and hopefully help some people.  The comment left was as follows:

My wife and I are thinking about doing this ,but I don't know how to start this life style.  I'm not sure I can be a Dom.  My wife seems to think i am.  So how do I start to change it?

First and foremost, it's imperative that you and your wife have some real heart to heart open and honest discussions about this...about what she wants from it and why.  About why she has decided she needs this and what she wants to get and feel from you as her Dominant.  You need to be able to talk to her about your concerns and feelings as well.  This is no time to clam up and be the stereo-typical man.  Lay it all out there.  I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to come to you with this, so give her the time and respect of expressing your thoughts about it.  

Before you can start, you have to realize this isn't just rough sex, being harsh, talking bad, or beating her.  It can involve those things, or the things you two choose, but it's so much more.  It's a mindset.  It's trust and respect on a whole other level.  It is about you being a leader and guide for her.  Someone she can defer to to make decisions.  Someone she can submit to in order to feel your strength and control.  This is very mental and emotional, and not just being bossy.  Being bossy is being domineering, not Dominant.  Being Dominant is done with care, love, appreciation and concern.  

I would suggest starting out very slow.  Start out just in the bedroom.  It can be a big change to go from your standard marriage to one with power exchange.  So take it slow so you can both move into it in comfort and get used to it.  Figure out some things in the bedroom you want to try, and go for it.  Maybe one at a time or maybe more.  But play with it, enjoy it, and try to have fun above all else.  After all, this is about meeting needs for each of you, while putting a new layer into the mix.  Have a safe-word in place as well.  That way she can stop things if they go to far, and so you'll know she needs to stop whatever you're doing.  "Stop", "no", and "don't" are not safe-words.  LOL!  

Backing up just a bit, you said you didn't know if you could be Dom.  This is where the communication comes in.  You two need to talk and figure out what she thinks a Dominant is in her mind.  It may be different than what you are imagining.  Make sure you are on the same page.  You have to be able to talk the same language and understand each other.  Figure out what she sees in this and wants from it, and you can tell her what you think and see as well.  These talks in themselves can help to bring you closer.  

If you have more specific questions, by all means feel free to email me.  I will be happy to help any way I can.  I will also ask my readers and followers to add anything they think and see as important that I may have missed.  This could be a chance for many of us to help and add to this conversation. So everyone...add to this and pick up on some of the things I may have missed or your suggestions to help this couple get on the right track with what can be such a beautiful dynamic.



  1. DV, very well said.

  2. Yes, you have covered this very well, DV, with emphasis on communication.
    Something which helped my husband and I very much was that we researched and read together. We read as many books as we could that related to what we thought we wanted. Sometimes we read to each other and sometimes we read individually but out of the same material. This helped keep us in tune to what we each invisioned going forward, opened up discussion and kept us moving at a similar pace so that one of us didn't get too far ahead of the other and we moved together.
    And asking questions of others is the best way to learn. Those who have taveled this path are very willing to share what they know.

    1. Thanks so much Jacquie! That is the kind of information I think will be most beneficial to our new prospective Dom. It's hearing from others like yourself that have ventured into this as a married couple, and how you went about it. Thanks so much for your comment!

  3. When this subject was first brought up to Master, he was both excited and nervous at the same time but he grew more confident very quickly. Most of our road blocks came because we took an all or nothing type of approach when we should have been taking baby steps. It seemed like an easy trap to fall into. He didn't want to fail me so he pushed a little too hard too fast. This resulted in a bit of questioning from me. Once we hit the pace right it all worked itself out and he very much so controls me in every sense of the word.

  4. Such good advice.

    You have to be able to talk about things -- start small - and cherish each step together.

    one at a time.


  5. Very well stated, DV. So many things that people never consider when they think of coming this way. It is so much more about love, guidance, communication, respect, patience and reciprocity than the 'fun bits'. It is very much more mental, emotional and even spiritual than physical.

  6. DV,

    Outstanding post!

    You seem to have a keen instinct on choosing a great topic as well as a great point of view on the topic.

    I've searched for a while now for a good "Dom" blog and will have to definitely spend more time investigating yours.

    Thank You,


  7. I was that wife, sort of.... not in particular but I approached my husband with the concept just as the original post references. What has helped U/us, and W/we are still in the "baby steps" phase, has been for me to read and share what I find interesting or curious. Even if He determines the issue, situation, idea is shelved for the time being..... I know that I have communicated something that might be hard to put into my own words. I am often sharing with Him, blogs and writings that stir me..... relationship dynamics that intrigue me..... by allowing Him to read them in His own time, it gives Him the space to process and consider His reaction and perception. He has promised to always read what I have sent and I have promised not to "pester" Him about it. It helps me to feel more submissive while still feeling heard. Nothing has been more thrilling than to have an idea I shared become reality, but by "leaving it on the table", it gives Him the control of the when or if :)

  8. Fantastic post DV! I wish I had found something like this when I approached the subject with my now ex husband.

    Thank you for your excellent advice for the future.