October 1, 2012

Dom All The Time? - Formspring

I received the following question via Formspring:

Should a Dom Dominate his submissive all the time, or just during play?

This is a pretty good question, especially for those new to the lifestyle...or whatever you want to call this.  A lot of this can seem overwhelming and confusing when you are trying to learn and get a grasp on all the different facets out there within bdsm.  When looking at how this is done, most of what someone will see has to do with the physical aspects of a D/s relationship.  They see the play, the bondage, the spankings, and whatever else you might come across.  That's just the main highlights of these types of relationships. It can leave one wondering how to actually go about the relationship itself. 

The answer to the question is...it all depends!  It depends on what the two people involved want the relationship to be.  Do you want it to just be sexual in the bedroom?  Do you want to have control outside the bedroom?  Do you want to have total control of every aspect of the subs life? What level of control does the Dom want and is the sub willing to give?  The list could go on and on. 

To a degree, this is a negotiation.  As a Dom, you have to figure out what you want and need from the relationship.  You have to know if you want control outside the bedroom, and if so, to what degree.  How do you envision this control playing out in real life?  What do you want and expect from it?  As a submissive, you have to ask the same questions of yourself.  Then, the two people can get together and see if their list of desires and visions matches up, or how well.  As a couple, you can work through your lists together to find some middle ground that fits what you both need.

The most important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to do this.  There is no step by step guide.  There is no bdsm or D/s police that are going to come by your house and tell you to stop because you're doing it all wrong.  There is only one rule that you need to follow above and beyond all else...DO WHAT MAKES YOU BOTH HAPPY!  Period!  The end!  That's all that matters.  As long as the two of you are happy with how you do things, nothing else matters.  Pick and choose the parts and pieces of this that are of interest to you, keep an open mind to additions later, and leave the rest on the shelf.  

Above all, enjoy yourself!  This should be fun and exciting.  It should meet some wants and needs and help you two become closer to each other.  It should build some bonds between you.  It should open the door to further and better communication.  Find all the good you can from it and enjoy yourself!  That's what it's all about!



  1. Well said! TTWD is very specific to the individuals involved. People often get too wrapped up in doing it "right" instead of doing what is right for them.

  2. Thanks for the great post DV. I t can be hard to find the right balance so talking about it up front saves a lot of trouble later.