I have been asked many times over the years which I think is easier...starting a relationship with a D/s dynamic or transforming an existing relationship into a D/s dynamic. I even receive messages from people in existing relationships that want to bring D/s into what they have, and asking for help and advice. Whether just starting out or being in an existing relationship, each has their good and bad points. But by far I think it's easier to start a relationship with D/s in mind than to change over an existing relationship. This doesn't mean that it can't be done by any means. I just believe it to be easier to start fresh with D/s in mind.
Starting fresh, with the intention of the two people involved being that of Dominant and submissive, establishes the dynamic right from the start. You go into it knowing the dynamic and what may or may not be expected. You can take that and build on it from the beginning, and do so with your respective roles in mind. This doesn't mean that two people automatically jump right in, as it still takes time. You have to get to know each other, learn about each other, learn about how D/s would work for the two you, learn how each of you sees this type relationship, and learn each others wants, needs, and desires within what you intend to build together. It takes time to build the knowledge of each other, the trust and the respect needed and that is such a big part of these relationships. Yet, purely from the perspective of the respective Dominant and submissive roles, I believe starting this way is the easier route, since both of you are going into it knowing this is what you want and need as part of your relationship.
For an existing relationship, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome. The two people have a lot of history together and see each other a certain way. Usually one develops an interest, or uncovers their desire, in a D/s dynamic, and eventually takes this interest to their partner. Getting their partner to understand their desire and get on board with it can be a challenge. Getting their partner to try to understand what is involved and to take on this new role can be a challenge. Each of you learning as you go and trying to make this work can be a challenge. Especially when you have a history together, have always seen each other and conducted your relationship in a particular way, and now you are wanting to totally change all of that.
Getting your partner to look at you and all you have together differently can be tough to do. They may have always treated you nice and with total care and respect and now you are asking them to control you, hurt you, Dominate you, etc... OR if reversed, you are asking your partner to submit to you, let you control them, let you do "evil" things to them, and expecting them to want and enjoy it. This is a huge shift from where most existing couples have been, and this transition can be extremely difficult.
On the plus side for established relationships, the history you have can be very beneficial. You already know each other, love each other, and have developed a deep bond and connection. You know all about your partner (although not near as much as you are about to learn), and know their likes, dislikes, personality...all the normal vanilla things that a new couple still has to figure out Also, there is no rush to move forward. Being in an established relationship, and assuming you plan to stay together for the long haul, you can take you time and work into this slowly.
So how does an existing relationship transform? How do you make it work? Any of you that read my blog and know my views know what I'm about to say...COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING!!! You have to be able to open talk and discuss this without judgement. You have to be able to talk to each other and express your thoughts and views without being made to feel bad or looked down upon. Your talks shouldn't be defensive or argumentative. They should be about wanting to try to be what you each need for each other, how you can make your relationship better and stronger, and having an open mind to each other. You have to be willing to share, talk and be open with each other in ways you may never have before. Being willing to let each other into the deep recesses and darkness within you. This will take time, but over time it gets easier and will feel more natural.
If you are in an existing relationship and thinking of adding D/s to what you have, I commend you and am all for it. Just don't jump in expecting it to be an easy transition. There will be challenges along the way. There will be hurdles to overcome. But if you are at this point of wanting this, then obviously it is important to you enough to be willing to face these challenges to achieve what you need. Many of you have gone through these very transitions. Some of which I follow in blogland and you all read about as well. There are many success stories and it is possible to change your dynamic. So I encourage you to step up and move forward if this is something you want. The road may be bumpy, but the rewards can be more than worth the journey. Just keep an open mind and be willing to talk to and be open with your partner. Without doing that, you might as well not even try.
~DV~
Starting fresh, with the intention of the two people involved being that of Dominant and submissive, establishes the dynamic right from the start. You go into it knowing the dynamic and what may or may not be expected. You can take that and build on it from the beginning, and do so with your respective roles in mind. This doesn't mean that two people automatically jump right in, as it still takes time. You have to get to know each other, learn about each other, learn about how D/s would work for the two you, learn how each of you sees this type relationship, and learn each others wants, needs, and desires within what you intend to build together. It takes time to build the knowledge of each other, the trust and the respect needed and that is such a big part of these relationships. Yet, purely from the perspective of the respective Dominant and submissive roles, I believe starting this way is the easier route, since both of you are going into it knowing this is what you want and need as part of your relationship.
For an existing relationship, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome. The two people have a lot of history together and see each other a certain way. Usually one develops an interest, or uncovers their desire, in a D/s dynamic, and eventually takes this interest to their partner. Getting their partner to understand their desire and get on board with it can be a challenge. Getting their partner to try to understand what is involved and to take on this new role can be a challenge. Each of you learning as you go and trying to make this work can be a challenge. Especially when you have a history together, have always seen each other and conducted your relationship in a particular way, and now you are wanting to totally change all of that.
Getting your partner to look at you and all you have together differently can be tough to do. They may have always treated you nice and with total care and respect and now you are asking them to control you, hurt you, Dominate you, etc... OR if reversed, you are asking your partner to submit to you, let you control them, let you do "evil" things to them, and expecting them to want and enjoy it. This is a huge shift from where most existing couples have been, and this transition can be extremely difficult.
On the plus side for established relationships, the history you have can be very beneficial. You already know each other, love each other, and have developed a deep bond and connection. You know all about your partner (although not near as much as you are about to learn), and know their likes, dislikes, personality...all the normal vanilla things that a new couple still has to figure out Also, there is no rush to move forward. Being in an established relationship, and assuming you plan to stay together for the long haul, you can take you time and work into this slowly.
So how does an existing relationship transform? How do you make it work? Any of you that read my blog and know my views know what I'm about to say...COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING!!! You have to be able to open talk and discuss this without judgement. You have to be able to talk to each other and express your thoughts and views without being made to feel bad or looked down upon. Your talks shouldn't be defensive or argumentative. They should be about wanting to try to be what you each need for each other, how you can make your relationship better and stronger, and having an open mind to each other. You have to be willing to share, talk and be open with each other in ways you may never have before. Being willing to let each other into the deep recesses and darkness within you. This will take time, but over time it gets easier and will feel more natural.
If you are in an existing relationship and thinking of adding D/s to what you have, I commend you and am all for it. Just don't jump in expecting it to be an easy transition. There will be challenges along the way. There will be hurdles to overcome. But if you are at this point of wanting this, then obviously it is important to you enough to be willing to face these challenges to achieve what you need. Many of you have gone through these very transitions. Some of which I follow in blogland and you all read about as well. There are many success stories and it is possible to change your dynamic. So I encourage you to step up and move forward if this is something you want. The road may be bumpy, but the rewards can be more than worth the journey. Just keep an open mind and be willing to talk to and be open with your partner. Without doing that, you might as well not even try.
~DV~
13 comments:
Great post. I personally have found transitioning to a D/s dynamic to be EXTREMELY difficult. I agree that communication is paramount, but sometimes I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. Nothing is getting through. But I am keeping the faith that it will be worth my persistence!
We are one of those established couples that has ventured into D/s. When we first began we heard so much about communication and thought that our skills were pretty good and that would be the least of our struggles...we were WRONG! We had a lot of work to do in that area too. Looking back, I wonder how we managed to survive on, what we now know, is such limited communication. Of all the things that we have learned about one another, about ourselves as individuals, the single thing that will forever change us is the communication skills we have gathered. We are still learning. I doubt that will ever change. It has been a lot of hard work, but something I will never regret.
Great post!
hugs
p
you are right of course..but I think the point you make about a new relationship being easier to launch into D/s is a much more sensible approach. I have learned, and it is a bitter pill..I have destroyed my existing relationship by seeking D/s. Then the relationship was challenged in the beginning.
Thanks for your input. This is exactly what I mean when I said both sides have to be open and willing to talk and work through it. If it is one sided, then yes...it will be extremely difficult, and frustrating for the one trying to make it work.
This is a good point...many couples think they are open and share and have good communication, and then they find out...not so much. Yet, as you have mentioned, gaining these communication skills is invaluable. I think we should all look at this as though we are still learning, never thinking we know it all or know enough. Glad it has been worth the effort for you both. No regrets is always a great place to be.
Well of course I'm right! Geesh! ;)
Seriously, though...sorry to hear about your relationship. It can be hard in trying to get someone to become involved in this, especially when they may not be interested or it may not be who they are. That can be a very bitter pill to swallow when you know this is something you want and need. I haven't destroyed my primarily relationship due to D/s, or the desire for it, but I certainly can't go back to it because of D/s. So, to a degree I know what you've dealt with.
My Master and i started as D/s, (met on the internet), so we were both seeking D/s out.
I have pondered on whether this has made it easier than those transitioning from vanilla to D/s, honestly i think (which points you already made) that there are advantages and disadvantages to both.
I can only speak from my experience, i have not experienced transitioning from vanilla to D/s and for me i sought out an experienced dominant and that i think has advantages.
However perhaps a disadvantage is the lack of history together, love, knowing each other etc, so in a situation like mine that i think (or it is in my experience) takes time.
I also wander if transitioning from vanilla to D/s and it doesnt work out, is there a going back to how things were? whereas with starting as D/s there is no before?
sorry im rambling lol
x
We were another established couple that added D/s, and then M/s to our relationship. I found it agonizing and thrilling by turns at first. Agonizing that he might decide none of this was for him, and I'd have to give up my fantasy. Thrilling in that he seemed to be falling for kink/being in control almost as fast as I was lapping it up. It helped that he'd often wished for a more submissive wife, so he could always have his way. And that he's naturally kind of sick and twisted. :)
We also transitioned to D/s then M/s after a very long time being married. There were many times i wished we had been this way all along, or chosen it from the beginning - or - most honestly - that each of us had gone into it knowing what the hell we were doing instead of learning as we go. It was so hard at times, it was and is work - real work. And the risk of not being able to go back to happily married if it didn't work out, what if it weren't right for us, or for one of us... But the advantage was in knowing each other, and in a longstanding commitment to each other that both of us put ahead of anything else. So yes - advantages and disadvantages.
Thanks tori! You make some good points. Can you go back to vanilla if it doesn't work? I don't know. I think that depends on how much each person wants/needs D/s and if vanilla is enough. I have seen some people that walk away from this back to vanilla, but I don't know if they are happy long term in doing that. I have also seen others that ended their vanilla relationship because they felt so strongly about D/s and needed a partner that could fulfill that need for them. There is no easy answer to this, and I think it all depends on the two people involved.
This is another great part of this worth pointing out. As ancilla said, her husband took to his position naturally and it fit him well. This likely made the transition much easier for them than some other couples. She was filling a role he wanted anyway, and it allowed him to fill a role he already fit into and wanted. This makes a huge difference when making the transition. Good for you both for finding what you needed within your marriage.
Thanks gg, and yes it is work for sure. Having your relationship be as strong as it appears it was, and putting that at the forefront before anything else is a good choice. Sounds like you both decided to keep the strong relationship first and try to move into D/s with that in mind. An excellent choice, in my opinion.
We were also an established couple before D/s. In our case, I was not the original initiator. My husband, for years, had wanted more control in the bedroom and I fought him.for everything I was worth. It was painful for Him to deny who He really was, but for my sake, he buried the dominant, sadistic side of himself. Ultimately, neither of us was happy.
Years later, when I really looked at what was missing from our marriage (intimacy and real connection), I decided something had to change and it was going to be me. I wanted to make Him happy and knew that while difficult, redefining our relationship is what it would take. And thus our journey began. It was about a full year of ups and downs but it was so worth it!
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