April 21, 2013

The Dimensions Of Experience

The sum of our experiences help form us and make us who we are today.  Our experiences help us learn and grow and progress.  A person can read and study and research all they want, but it's the experience we gain along the way that is what brings it all together.  Nothing can replace experience and actually going through something.

I get emails on a fairly regular basis from people looking for advice and needing some information to better help them understand this lifestyle.  The one topic that seems to come up more than any other is the feeling of being lost.  It's being in this lifestyle, having a relationship that has ended, and now feeling lost and completely out of sorts without the power exchange dynamic.

"So what do I do now?"
"I can't imagine starting over in this again!"
"Do I just go back to being vanilla?"

This always makes me think of the one thing I've told so many people over the years, and especially those that are new to this... Once you go here it will be very difficult if not impossible to ever go back to anything less.  As the picture says, Once your mind has been stretched by these new experiences it can't go back to it's old dimensions.  For many of us that are in this lifestyle, needing Domination  and submission is truly a part of who we are and what we need.  Not having it leaves a void in our lives and leaves us feeling unfulfilled.  So, once you find it, go down this path, and enjoy these experiences, just letting go and going back to the way things used to be just isn't an option.

I think this can also apply to those of us in the lifestyle already and in relationships.  Our experiences together have helped form the bonds and trust and respect needed for each other.  Yet, we still have to proceed carefully, especially as a Dominant, and to not cause irreparable harm.  It can be easy for a Dominant to test and push his submissive.  The real trick is knowing when to stop pushing.  This takes knowing your partner inside and out so that you can read and understand them, their sounds, movements, and body language.

Pushing your sub can be a great thing.  Pushing too far...not so much.  And once you push too far, or take things way past where the sub is agreeable, and you as the Dom know how to handle the situation, then it cannot be undone.  Damage (mental, emotional, or physical) has been done at that point and you can't take back that experience and what happened.  I would much rather not push far enough and leave her wanting much more from me then to push too far and both of us wish I hadn't.  There is a very fine line in knowing how far to go and what is too much.

This is why it is so imperative that you get to now you submissive.  This is why I'm not a big fan of just "playing" the role.  It's all about being in the head of your partner and fully understanding them, or at least the best you can.  I think this is also why we hear many times about all the want-to-be Doms out there versus and "real" or "good" Doms, and the issues that arise from it.

So many think this looks fun and just want to play that role.  They don't understand all the nuances and intricacies that can go into this.  It doesn't mean they can't learn, by any means.  It just means that the know it all attitude has to be checked at the door, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with understanding your limitations and being forthright about them.  The "I am Dominant, hear me roar and control" mantra has no place here.  If you have to constantly declare how great and Dominant you are and prove your Dominance, then it's only to yourself you are trying to convince.  True Dominance is natural and doesn't need to be declared to remind someone.  People know and feel it and give that respect when it's deserved and earned, not because you demand it.

Our experiences help shape who we are and have become.  Good experiences light the path,and bad experiences throw up walls and roadblocks.  Yet, they are all a learning tool that help us grow.  Just know that you can't undo and experience or something that's already been done.  Those experiences may open or close doors that lead to new and exciting things.  Just be careful and understand that with so many things, there is no going back.  It's very hard to forgive and forget.  So, try to make all your experiences positive as your mind leaves it's old dimensions behind.


10 comments:

  1. It has been my experience that reading here never disappoints. This is an excellent post that will have me thinking of some time, I particularly like the Holmes quote.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you! Hopefully, others will read this and see the truth in your words.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Couldnt agree with this more, it takes time to learn and grow with one another, i think a common error is rushing in too fast and too soon..and yeah i have been there, done that and got the t-shirt lol

    It pays to be patient, both dominant and submissive.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wonderful post DV. I can't tell you how many times your posts have helped so as always...extremely insightful.
    Banana

    ReplyDelete
  5. Perfect advice. :)
    ....reading yours and @Sir J's post is really helping me to form a better idea of the kind of Dom i really want (if i'm luck enough to find) next time.
    (and hopefully helping me not to make the same mistakes of old!).
    x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Another great post, DV. Thank you for your knowledge and insight. ~FA

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great advice.

    thank you for this post.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Once again a beautiful post. So very helpful in my current circumstances.

    ReplyDelete