December 20, 2012

When She Needs It Rough...

There are two quotes I have seen lately that I think are worth mentioning.

"When she says harder she means it!"
"When she says to be rough with her, then do it.  She will let you know when it gets too rough."

I think there is some truth to these statements.  This is especially true when it comes to D/s and bdsm.  I think there is some inherent roughness that is associated and a part of what we do in this lifestyle.  That doesn't mean being rough is always part of whatever play you are doing, as there are plenty of times we can be sensual and passionate as well.  The rough aspects could be in the form of rough sex, rough treatment, being manhandled, in giving or receiving pain, or any number of things.

For submissive women, it can be very difficult for them to ask for what they want or need, and particularly when that involves asking you to be rough or forceful.  So, when she does ask or mention it, and finds the wherewithal to bring it up to you as her Dominant, then you better believe she means it.  And yes...if you begin to go too far, she will let you know.

This isn't giving you a free ticket to go insane and unleash every ounce of fury you have on her.  Let's keep it in perspective.  But if she says "harder" in the middle of sex, then you better believe she wants it.  If she says "Be rough with me", then you better believe she means it.  It's what she needs to feel from you...your possession...your Dominance...your strength...your power.  I'm not suggesting you allow her to top from the bottom, but words such as these coming from her mouth should be a glaring clue to you as to how strongly she needs this.

As a Dominant, this can be a very fine line.  What is hard enough?  What is too hard?  What is too rough?  What can she take?  What can she not take from me?  This is where you have to know your submissive inside and out.  You have to base it on your experiences together and know what she can and can't take.  If you don't know, then take it slow.  Step it up a little at a time.  It's much better to not go far enough than to go too far.

Given this topic and post, I think it's a great time to mention safe words.  You should always have a safe word in place.  You may never need or use it, but the one time you do need it and it's not there?  Well, that won't be a good situation.  As a Dominant, you need to always heed to her safe word.  If she utters it, stop everything right then and there.  As a submissive, you have to understand that a safe word is not power or control or a way for you to not do something just because you don't like it.  A safe word is there for your safety and well being, and is to be used when you feel you can't take any more or your safety is in jeopardy.

I have found that most submissives will do all they can to not have to use their safe word.  They don't want to seem weak or feel like a disappointment to their Dominant.  They will withstand a great deal before ever considering using their safe word.  This doesn't mean a Dom should push her to use it.  This doesn't mean you should take her further than you think you should because you know she won't use her safe word.  Remember, she trusts and respects you as her Dominant, a man, and her intimate partner.  If you violate this trust and respect, it will be very hard to ever get it back.

Know you a sub, as a woman, and as a person.  Know how she thinks and what she needs.  Know her verbal cues and her body language.  Know what's going on in her head.    It's your duty to try and understand her better than anyone ever has...maybe even better than she knows herself.  This takes a lot of time and effort, but is well worth it.  It's much easier to be the Dominant she needs when you understand her emotions, thinking, and physical needs.  Try your best to be what she needs and expects of you.  This will enable and encourage her to be the best she can be, as well.


  1. Great post! And definitely something that I think applies both inside and outside of a D/s relationship.

    You know, before either of us knew what things like BDSM or D/s were, Kitty and I were just two people in love who knew that we both liked it rough. VERY rough. In fact, we used to joke about needing a safe word, so it's funny to me that we actually have safe words now! I remember telling her, long ago, that if she really wanted me to be rough with her, then I'll take that as an invitation to be as rough as I want, and it's her job to tell me to stop or back off. These days, I start every scene by asking her to tell me what her safe words are and reminding her that I'm TRUSTING her to use them. Just as she trusts me to know her and how much she can take, I trust her to stop me if I misjudge that line.

  2. Again, a thoughtful and thought provoking post. You really should teach classes on this! :-)

  3. This is so true. It takes a great deal to ask. It is more difficult than you can imagine. If I say I want more, it is typically because I really need more. I am ever so grateful that I can trust my Sir to hear my requests in the spirit they are intended.

    Great post. I will share this with my Sir!