Pride and Ownership...

There is a part of every Dominant that is very difficult to see.  Within each Dominant is a part of him (substitute "her" if it makes you feel better or suits your situation) that very few will ever see.  Only those with which he is directly involved, such as his submissive, will likely see this side of him. This mysterious and hidden part is his sense of pride.

I have talked before about many of the new things and feelings that a submissive will experience and find about herself.  Not just anyone can pull this out of her.  It takes a special man..the right man...to be able to maneuver inside of her and find these special feelings.  She may be submissive, but she does not and will not submit to just anyone.  Only for him.  Only for the one that she feels has earned and deserves her submission.    Only for the one man that she feels comfortable opening up to and making herself vulnerable.  Only he is allowed to see this side of her.

The same goes for the Dominant.  There are parts of him that only his submissive will be allowed and privileged to see.  It's not because he is holding it back from everyone else.  It's not because he refuses to show and express his feelings.  It's because it takes that special woman, that special submissive, that can maneuver inside of him and allow him to feel things no one else can.

With the right submissive and partner, the Dominant will feel a sense of pride like at no other time.  It's a sense of pride in what he has been able to accomplish and in his submissive.  When his guidance and leadership has been able to help her see things like never before, and she feels sensations deep within her soul that she didn't know were even possible, his sense of pride begins to shine.  It's seeing his handy work come to fruition.  He has led and guided her down a path of discovery, and now she has discovered what he has been leading her to find.

He sees this within her.  He can sense the growth and progress she has made.  Based on the new discoveries and feelings, she presents herself and acts differently.  She has blossomed into someone much more beautiful in his eyes.  Knowing he has been able to hep her do this brings about his sense of pride.  It's like a teacher happy with his students.  It's like a parent happy with the decisions and choices of his children.  Yet, it's deeper and more emotional.  There is care and love.  There is appreciation.  There is a true sense of value.  There is affirmation of all you have been doing.  This is a pride like no other.

In this lifestyle we talk about ownership.  There is the physical ownership of a Dominant taking on a submissive.  She is his and belongs to him.  Yet, there is also the mental and emotional ownership that develops over time.  It's when she truly feels this within herself that she is truly owned.  When she feels it inside...when she feels like she belongs...when she feels like there is no other.  There really are no words to describe how this feels, but it is there and is a feeling only those that have been there understand.  Being able to get a submissive to this place and feeling owned...there is no feeling like that for a Dominant either.  That instills and brings forth a sense of pride in leadership that nothing else can do.

When she truly feels owned, not in the physical sense, but mentally and emotionally, and there is no greater feeling or place she would rather be, the pride a dominant feels is equal to the feelings she has in her ownership.  She has never been happier than being in this place, and he has never been more proud of her and all she has accomplished to get there.  In a way, she owns him as well.  This is what we all strive for...for two separate people to grow into one phenomenon that is greater than the both of them singly.  For both of them it brings about feelings of pride and of ownership.  And it's feelings that only that special person could have brought out of them...and that few other people will ever see.

Olympic submission?!?!

I was watching the London Olympics last night.  For me it's on of those things that certain games I enjoy and others I could care less.  At the same time, I can't quit watching because I just have to see who wins, and how they win.  The Olympics have control over me,and I don't like it.  I even found myself watching ping pong the other night.  I mean...really?!?!  LOL!

In all seriousness, I was watching some of the women's gymnastics.  The announcers were discussing the training regimen of one of the US Women.  I say women, but really the are all very young.  Anyway, they were talking about how talented yet stubborn she can be.  It's just part of her personality.  Her coach will push...she will push back...her coach will push more, etc...  That was almost word for word how they described it.  Sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?

It takes a very strong coach to be able to train and push a gymnast like her.  To stand up to her to make her be better.  To make her become the best she can be.  To push her past what she wants to do and thinks is necessary, in order to become more than she ever thought she could be.  For the coach, I'm sure it can be very trying at times, yet it is the coach's job to not let her get the upper hand, and to keep her on track, improving, and progressing.

I think you can see where I'm going with this.  As a Dominant, especially for a strong willed, stubborn, head strong submissive, you must be able to stand your ground and push.  When you feel resistance, and feel her push back, you can't give in.  You must stand your ground.  You are doing her a disservice by giving in, and thereby letting her begin to control the situation.  Ultimately she needs this control from you, and needs your Dominance.  That is why she is here in the first place.  She may not always like it, but it is for her own good and to make her better...to help her grow and progress. It's in seeing the fruits of your labor that she will trust and respect you more for standing up and not giving in.  This is what she needs from you most.

But I'm sure none of you know anything about strong willed stubborn women...right?  LOL!

So, as a Dominant, be her coach.  Be her lover.  Be her rock to lean on.  Be strong for her.  this is what she wants and needs from you.  She pushes back to make sure you are standing your ground.  It's a test.  Don't fail the test.  Push her to be her best and allow her to be more than she knew she could be.  Be her coach and together the two of you just might win the equivalent of a gold medal together.

The Strength Within

"Patience is a Virtue"...how many times have we all heard that?  For me, more than we care to count.  Especially when in today's society everything seems to be so fast and furious.  Technology has made us want instant gratification and instant results right now.  I am no exception.  Yet, at the same time I teach about patience and that some things just take time.  So how do we deal with the fact that we need patience, yet want something right this minute?

The answer is very simple...inner strength.  I think having a lot of inner strength is vitally important to being a Dominant.  I don't mean being physically strong, and even having that presence about you that exudes Dominance.  Sometimes, it can take all a dominant has to be strong and be patient.  This can be an internal battle he fights within himself. I'm not looking at this as patience in dealing with a submissive, or patience in seeing progress and growth within her.  That should be a given, as nothing happens overnight.  I'm talking about the strength to hold out yourself, as the Dominant, to be able to be better for the submissive. 

One example of this is a short story I saw attached to a picture on tumblr yesterday.  It was all about the Dom teasing the sub, getting her all worked up, letting her stew about it mentally, yet not letting her have any release.  Many times that is the point of the exercise, and in showing who is in charge and in control.  She gets her release when he allows it.  She can ache and throb within, be a sloppy mess between her legs, and she can beg and plead to have him and have her release.  She can need it more than anything.  Yet, she doesn't get it.

This is where having inner strength comes into play for the Dom.  It can be very easy to push her just a bit, and give her what she wants as soon as she begs a little.  But does that serve the greater good of your relationship?  Giving her what she wants every time she wants it, just because she asks?  I don't think it does!  It can be very difficult to say no to a beautiful woman who is overly sexually aroused, and begging and pleading to be taken.  I mean, who in their right mind would turn that down, right?  But part of being in control is being in control of yourself.  You have to be strong to deny her to accomplish the goal you set out to reach. 

Another aspect of inner strength has to do with standing firm in your beliefs, your rules, and your expectations.  You can't be wishy washy and go back and forth.  Remaining steadfast and holding your ground is very important.  That doesn't mean you can't look at things from a different perspective and adjust how you do something.  It just means that you have to be consistent in your approach with your submissive.  You may not always feel like stepping up and taking control, but it is necessary.  Whether that is enacting punishment, giving guidance, or not cutting any slack on a known rule within the relationship.  As a Dom, you will be pushed and tested to make sure you are standing strong and that the line in the sand is still in the same place.  This can take strength to make sure you stand firm.

I believe that a much stronger relationship can be formed when a Dominant has inner strength.  Together, when he remains strong, they can reach much further than if he gives in.  the submissive will respect him much more for standing firm, then if she feels she can push him around.  Not to mention that pretty much defeats the whole purpose of the power exchange between them.  You can still be loving, and caring, and supportive, and nurturing.  Yet, you must stay strong and find your inner strength.  The strength that is part of you and the strength she deserves to see and have from you. 

"Being Broken"...The Dominants Role

In my last post I talked about the subject of "breaking" a sub.  I got some great comments and had some good discussions as to how we all view this subject.  Sometimes a submissive feels the need herself to be broken, and sometimes her Dominant feels it is necessary.  Whatever the case, this is not about breaking her down completely, making her lose her identity, breaking her spirit, and trying to create something of your own choosing out of the shell of a person that remains.  This is about breaking down a specific wall or barrier for a specific purpose, and to help her be a better person, be the person she is deep inside, and the person she desires to be. 

I mentioned in my last post about all the recent posts in blogland that have been written lately in regards to this.  One thing I haven't seen much about is the role of the Dominant.  Let me make this very clear (my disclaimer)...this is not something for the beginner Dominant.  I feel it takes a very special  and knowledgeable hand to be able to do this correctly.  It is not something you just do and say I'm going to push until I break you. 

Being able to take a submissive to the edge and just over it requires a very intimate knowledge of the submissive.  You need to know her inside and out...physically, emotionally, and mentally.  You need to know what she can take and what she can't.  There is a very fine line between pushing her just over the edge to accomplish the intended goal, versus pushing her way past the edge and falling off the cliff.  You need to be able to read her actions and reactions and know when you are close and when you have reached the point you were out to find. 

This only comes with time and experience together.  Without this knowledge of her, you are just shooting aimlessly into the dark.  Maybe you'll hit your mark, and maybe you won't.  This isn't something where you are just guessing and hoping.  There is very little room for error here.  This requires a huge amount of trust and respect for the Dominant by the submissive.  She is putting herself in your hands, and trusting you know how to reach the intended goal without destroying her.  Not being able to read and understand her, you could very easily do her more harm than good. 

This should go without saying, but I will definitely make sure to cover it...AFTERCARE!!!  If aftercare was ever needed, this is the time for it.  you have taken to her to the edge and beyond, and brought about extreme emotions within her.  You certainly can't just leave her that way.  She needs to be held and supported and made to feel loved.  She needs to know you are there for her.  She needs to feel and see your care and know that you are there to prop her up now that you have taken her to what could have been one of her lowest points ever. 

This aftercare doesn't just mean fifteen minutes after the actions occurred.  From the mental and emotional side, it could mean seeing after her and keeping a check on her for days.  you don't just bring about extreme emotions, and ones that may have been hidden deep inside her for years or a lifetime, and expect she will be fine and over within a day or so.  You need to be there for her, to encourage her and talk to her openly about this as needed.  Anything less, in my opinion, in nothing but mental and emotional abuse.  You can't take her to a place like this and then just leave her to her own devices to work it out.  You got her here, you damn well better help her deal with it afterwards.

As a Dominant, this may not be something that is fun for you.  It may not play into your idea of being pleased and enjoyment.  But that's not what this is always about.  Being dominant isn't always fun and games.  It's about helping her reach her goals and become a better person.  It's about giving her what she needs, and maybe even requests.  This isn't just about fun, but about being a leader and a man, and being the best one you can be for your submissive.  It's about becoming a better Dominant yourself through the process. 

Through situations like this, she will need you more than ever.  Don't do her the disservice of not being there for her completely.  That defeats the whole purpose of the entire relationship.  Be the Dominant you say you are and need to be for her.  In the end, she will trust and respect you more than ever.  She will belong to you more than she has before.  She will be a better submissive for you, and a better woman.  And that is the entire purpose of taking her to the "breaking" point to begin with.  

Some Words On "Being Broken"...

There seems to have been a few posts lately in regards to a submissive being "broken" by her Dominant.  There have even been some tense moments where comments were left and discussions got a bit heated.  The fact of the matter is...we all have different views on what "being broken" is or means.  And this is one of those areas that is tends to mean something completely different from one person to next. 

I think it is important to understand the context of what being broken means when it is discussed.  I think it also has a stereotype attached to it, much like this lifestyle.  That's the irony of this...most of us know that the lifestyle we choose to live isn't anything like the public image and how it's perceived, and I think being broken is much the same.  It has a negative connotation that many people can't see past. 

This image, at least to me, is of a woman being completely stripped physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Down to a completely raw person that resembles nothing of their prior self.  This being done only to build and re-shape her the way someone else wants.  This type of treatment I do not condone or agree with.  For me this is not about completely breaking her down to make her what I want her to be.  I want my sub to be who she is and all of who she is, with my help of course.  I'm not here to change her.  I'm here to help bring out of her the parts she has inside that she may not be aware of or be comfortable expressing. 

Sometimes to grow and progress we have to break through or break down walls.  In order to do this you have to push boundaries and limits.  You have to take a sub to the edge of this wall and then push some more.  You have to break her mentally or emotionally, but only in regards to this wall.  And once through the wall you must stop.  you don't keep going.  Many times this is the hurdle she needed help getting over.  Once done, the path becomes much more clear for future growth and even bring you closer together as a couple. 

And example of this is a conversation I had with a submissive once.  She was very into her relationship, trusted her Dom with all she had, and would have done anything for him.  She had found a love of spanking that she never knew she had.  One of her issues was opening up letting go emotionally.  She said that she rarely cried, especially from physical pain, and can remember this even as far back a a child.  She would bite her lip until it bled in an effort to take the pain and not let the tears flow from her eyes.  So, this is what she now wanted.  She wanted her Dom to take her, spank her, and help her break through this wall.  She wanted to be made to reach a point where letting go of it all was the only choice.  She wanted to be broken to the point of letting years of tears flow from her eyes.

This was the one place, and with the one person she trusted the most, that she felt she could be taken to a point of completely letting go and finding a way through this emotional barrier.  She wanted this wall broken down.  She was asking to be broken...at least in this specific way.  This is the one way she could finally find the freedom and peace from her own emotional prison.  It isn't something she could do on her own.  She needs help and needs to be pushed to that point.  Her "breaking" isn't about breaking her down completely in order to rebuild her.  It's about breaking her in a specific way that she feels, and he feels as well, that is beneficial and will make her a better person moving forward.

So I will leave you with this...try not to let preconceived ideas and views cloud your judgement when you hear about "being broken", or anything else for that matter.   Most of us here are very open minded and can look at the many sides of a situation before forming an opinion.  Especially when it comes to "breaking" someone, make sure you understand the context under which the person is using the term, and how they mean it to apply to them.  Just as all BDSM and D/s isn't about tying someone up and beating the hell out of them, "being broken" isn't always about stripping someone of everything they are.  Most of the time its just about pushing a specific boundary or limit, and with a specific purpose.  If you look at it from a different angle, many times you can get a much better understanding of what a person intends and what it means to them.  The meaning can be different for everyone. 

A New Understanding...Self-Discovery

I have always been a proponent that certain things cannot be forced.  That has always been my approach to D/s.  As much as I can make demands, set rules, define the relationship, there are some things I just won't do or force.  To me, there is much more to be gained with some things when they are discovered on their own by the submissive.

 It is a sort of self-discovery.  Not as in finding oneself, but in realizing certain things and having that "Ah Ha Light bulb Moment".  The one where something just all of sudden makes sense and was realized on her own.  Mostly this revolves around feelings and emotions.  Around her thinking and views about a particular subject.  For whatever reason, in that moment, it just clicks and has there is now a completely new understanding.

As a Dom, I can tell her how things are going to be.  I can tell her how she should view something and how it will be viewed within our relationship.  She may accept that and go with it, but at that time it will just be there.  It's like another rule.  It's just something that is expected of her.

For me, and a big part of my enjoyment in being a Dominant, is leading and guiding her down the path of her submission, and helping her discover these things on her own.  We may have in depth discussions about specific situations, and may act out certain scenarios, and I may keep heading her in the direction of my choosing.  But I want her to figure these things out on her own.  I want her to not only figure them out, but to truly feel them when she does begin to understand it.  That is when it has a much deeper meaning to both her and me.  She wasn't forced, but got to that point on her own.  And because of this, it will have much more lasting effects and be more likely to be a pat of her from then on.

An example of what I'm talking about is having marks left on her body.  This could be from something such as spanking.  I may want her to have marks (not permanent or harmful ones) from the spanking she received, or maybe some bruising.  I want her to be able to see them and have a reminder of how they got there and who put them there.  Yet, for me to tell her she will wear them and enjoy them may not accomplish my goal.  It's when she tells me that afterwards she was looking for marks and was disappointed when she couldn't find any that it begins to sink in.  It's part of her belonging to me and feeling that within herself.  It's her wishing she could see and feel the reminder of what I did to her, and needing that.  This is a light bulb moment for her, especially when she has never felt the need for that before.

Another example could be cuffs or being bound.  I can tell her I will bind her or or cuff her hands behind her back (which is something I would do), and the things I might do to her.  But when she brings you the cuffs, or asks you to use them, this has a different meaning behind it.  Now it's not just about me cuffing her, but her feeling her need to be cuffed, what it represents for her, and her need to be bound and turn over control.  This has much more meaning to it than me just doing it and her accepting it.

I can ask, demand, and do a lot of things on my own.  But for a submissive to get to some of these places herself, and come to her own understandings and realizations of what she needs, well, that can be a beautiful thing.  It can be something small, or something much bigger.  What it is doesn't really matter.  The pleasure for me as a Dominant is that I was able to lead her to discovering these things within her self and on her own.  I was able to lay the ground work and set out the pieces so she could put them all together for herself.  For me, that is being able to teach her in a way that will last because she actually feels it and it is now a part of her she found deep within.  It isn't something she does just because I'm in control and I said it was going to be a certain way.  That is being a teacher, and teaching lessons that won't soon be forgotten...at least from my point of view.

He Has A Way...

(more excerpts from inside the head of DV)

He has a way about his approach to her.  He loves to put her in positions that he views as both submissive and vulnerable.  Positions where she is bound and can move slightly but can't get out of place.  Today, he chooses not to blindfold her.  He wants her to see him moving about, and let her wonder what he is doing.  Let her wonder what implements will be his choice this time. He wants the butterflies to build within her.  He knows it makes her nervous, yet excites her at the same time.  This is what she has asked for in giving herself to him, and it makes her drip with nervous anticipation.


Sometimes she still does not understand this.  She still questions how she can need such things from him.  How she can be so nervous, and subject herself to this.  And yet it turns her on beyond belief.  Her mind says one thing, while her body responds so willingly.  Her mind may question her desire, but her body has no doubts whatsoever.  It burns with a searing heat produced from deep inside, and like no one else has ever made her feel.  

This is her drug.  It's addictive.  As much as she tries she can't do without.  He makes her want and need what only he can give to her.  Sometimes he makes her beg for it.  Sometimes he sates her just a bit but not enough.  Other times he makes her suffer the withdrawals of going without.  While still, other times he gives her so much she thinks she will overdose and can't handle it.  


She has never presented herself to anyone like she does him.  She has never willingly been this vulnerable to anyone or anything.  So why?  Why now?  Why him?  Because she trusts him with every ounce of her being.  She trusts him with her life and every breath she takes.  He has proven he is worthy of her trust.  That he will push her limits and boundaries, but will also care for and see to her well being.  He treats her like his most valued possession, makes her feel appreciated and loved.  She respects him like she has never respected anyone, man or woman.  She truly does belong to him in the most sacred of ways...in her mind. 


As he approaches her, her moves around behind her.  All she can hear is a faint snicker come from him.  She knows why he is laughing.  She is embarrassed, but can't help it, and now that he is standing behind her watching, it kicks into overdrive.  She can feel herself dripping.  She can feel the moisture pouring from within her.  All this time he hasn't said a word.  He hasn't made a single utterance about his intentions or of her being left in this position.  Then finally the silence is broken...

"Oh look...you made a puddle for me again.  You can clean it up when we are done.  No point in doing it now when you'll just have to do it again later."  

So Much More...

When people in general hear something or think about D/s or bdsm, the first thing that comes to mind for them is kink.  It is about the physical acts, the force, the sex, being tied up, spanking, etc...  It is what most would refer to as stepping outside the norm of sexual interactions.  If you just like to play the roles every once in a while, then sure, it is all about the physical acts.  When you don't understand it, sure all you see is the physical acts.  When you have never experienced it for yourself, all you know and see are the physical acts beyond what is the norm for you.  But for many of us, it isn't just the kink.  It isn't just the physical acts.  It's so much more!

In my most recent post (You Raise Me up), the video I made and posted attempts to show this.  Yes, the video portrays Domination and submission.  Yet, I tried to make it show and exemplify the deeper side of this lifestyle.  Showing couples that are involved in these types of relationships, and attempting to show the connection and bond between them.  Trying to show the depth of what they have together.  The lyrics to the song stress this point as well.  When we have a great partner and are together, you do raise each other up.  You give each other strength.  You enable each other to be more than you could be on your own.  And don't think it is just the Dom enabling the sub.  It goes both ways.  A sub can have just as powerful an affect on her Dom and show him how much more and better he can be as well. 


There was a recent post I read by Kitty, where she re-posted and quoted some words written by her Daddy and Husband.  The post (click here to read it) is about how the word submission is viewed in society and gets a bad rap.  Then it goes into the religious references of how a husband and wife should be towards each other.  Daddy explains his view extremely well.  He makes it very clear, which I completely agree with, that submission isn't just about giving and not receiving.  It isn't just about a woman submitting to her husband, obeying, and doing as he says.  The husband should be willing to give as well.  In being in charge and having control, the husband should be willing to give everything he is and has  The Husband should give all he has to and for her, up to and including laying down his own life for her. 

Does that sound like kink to you?  Does that sound like it's just fun physical acts?  Not to me!  It's so much more!  It's a connection and bond that transcends everything else.  Even in everyday life, it's the dynamic within the relationship that can lend strength and stability.  It can make you feel more like yourself, more balanced, and more centered than you could ever be on your own.  It can make you desire to give more of yourself than you have ever given anyone.  It's a place and feeling of safety and security.  There is no other place you would rather be than with that person, giving of yourself, and accepting what they have to offer in return.  It is...home!

You Raise Me Up

I was feeling a bit inspired this morning.  The creative juices were flowing, and I decided it was time to make another video.  I have been thinking about it for a while, and got the motivation this morning. 

I have been sifting through and sorting pictures for it.  Then I found what I feel is the perfect song to go with the pictures and says a lot about how I see D/s and this lifestyle.  How I think it should be and what the purpose of it is within us all.  It's being supportive and being there for each other.  It's being close and intimate.  It's being a rock and foundation for each other.  It's being each others strength, and making each other more than you could be otherwise. 

The Song is "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban.  I hope you enjoy it and would love your feedback. 

"You raise me up so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas

I am strong when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more than I can be"

Formspring: Outlets For Spousal Differences

I just came upon your blog through another blog. You state your wife is not into the scene with you. What is your outlet? I'm not trying to be overly nosy but I am curious when one spouse has needs the other isn't able or willing to fulfill. Thanks!

I have mentioned this in my blog before, but it's not something I discuss very much.  Yet, those that have followed me for a while know I'm married and she isn't into the lifestyle.  Actually, it is because of our intimacy differences, and growing apart years ago in the area, that has enabled me to venture into D/s as I have.  For lack of a better way to put it, we have an open relationship and allow each other to do our own thing outside the home.  She is very aware of what I'm into, aware of my blogs, and supports me in my ventures.  That is, as long as it doesn't affect our home life.  Even if we were still intimate, in no way would she be into D/s or bdsm.  It's just not her or her personality.

So, for me this is how I have an outlet to meet the needs that I can't get at home.  The only real way I know of to scratch the itch is to find someone willing to scratch it for you.  For me that is pretty easy because we are very open in our communication and each is aware of the others activities.  For most people, that would mean sneaking around, having an affair, infidelity, or whatever you want to call it.  Most partners in a relationship are not going to agree to an open relationship.  For that matter, most couples don't seem to have enough open communication to even discuss it.

Now, before you go to far, DV did not say go out and have an affair. If you do that, it is by your own choosing and the choices you have decided to make for yourself.  Ultimately, you need to be able to sit down and discuss things in a calm and rational manner with your spouse.  After all, if you can't talk to your spouse then there are bigger issues than differences in sexual needs.  You need to be able to discuss with each other what your needs are and why.  Try to find some middle ground that can work for you both. 

In a good marital relationship, each person should be willing to try new and different things in order to help meet the needs of each other.  You may not be able to get your husband or wife fully on board with this scene, but if you get them part of the way there it's better than nothing, assuming that is what you want and need yourself.  I think a married couple should always do everything possible for each other to make things work.  After all, isn't that what marriage is about?!?!  If you can't do this and it doesn't work, then you are left with few options, and they all seem to involve doing something behind your spouses back, so to speak. 

As a general rule, if you are down to the few options, and you choose to go outside your marriage, then there are bigger problems with your marriage than a lack of bdsm or D/s.  And yes, I fall into the category of bigger problems.  I won't exclude myself from that.  I have been lucky enough to be able to work through this with my wife and keep our family in tact.  It's certainly not the most ideal, and I do miss out on a lot because of it.  But, as for now it works for us and is what we have agreed to do.  that may change down the road, but only time will tell. 

Thanks for the question.  I'm not sure this helped, but maybe it helped reinforce what you already know.

DV

Finding More Balance

The first post in the series was titled Finding Our Balance.  In that post we took a look at how a power exchange relationship can affect your outlook and your overall view of life.  That having this type relationship in your life can help keep you balanced, centered, and an overall happier person in general.  The comments received seemed to back up this position, as they were all positive and exhibited how TTWD has had a positive affect on people's lives. 

To those that aren't too familiar with this lifestyle, it may seem that this would lead me, or anyone else for that matter, to say that everyone needs a D/s relationship because it makes you more balanced.  My answer...Not even close!  For some, this just isn't for them.  It doesn't fit or meet their needs.  They could care less or think this is wrong, and that is their right to believe and feel that way.  This post is for those that are in the lifestyle, learning it, teetering on the fence,  or those still trying to find themselves. 

After reading the comments of the last post, one theme stood out to me to be at the forefront of the whole dynamic for everyone that commented...Acceptance!  there is a very common theme about being involved in this and finally feeling accepted and able to completely be yourself.  The word "liberating" was even mentioned a few times.  It has been discovered by people that there is nothing wrong with you.  It is alright to want the things you do, and even more so that those things can be expected of you.  It can be very relaxing and freeing to find that you can embrace all that you are and need to be, and without the worry of what is thought of you or that you are doing something that is looked down upon. 

This leads me to my next question.  Is it really TTWD that enables us to feel balanced and centered, or is it the acceptance by our partner of who we are and all we want and need?  Does this lifestyle bring about calm and stability within our lives, or is it finding a partner that embraces this side of us and what we feel we really need as a part of our lives?  I personally think it is both.  I think we all want and need this lifestyle or we wouldn't be here.  It is a part of us and who we need to be.  Yet, the connection you have with your partner, and their acceptance of who you are and what you need, or even their expectation of who they want you to be, can be very liberating.  You no longer have to hide this side of yourself and deny your needs and desires.  Having a partner that needs this as well can open up a whole new side of you, once you finally feel free to let go and be who you naturally are. 

What do you think?

Finding Our Balance

There are some terms that float around this lifestyle that seem to be at the core of the benefits of this thing we do.  The terms I am referring to are being "balanced" and "centered".  I have read others and had conversations over the years where people felt out of sorts and out of place until they found their Dominant or submissive side.  But once they did, they seemed to have found their calling.  They found what they had always been missing.

Having found it and having it a part of their lives seems to have helped them stay more balanced and centered as a whole, and in every aspect of their life.  It cuts to the core of their being and is a foundation for them to plant their feet upon.  A good analogy would be that they have always had shallow roots in the ground.  They never felt securely anchored.  But now...now it's like miracle grow was put on them, and their roots have grown deeper, thereby making them much more secure and stable, and they have been able to blossom like never before.

Here is an excerpt from the writing of an anonymous submissive, and I think it states my point very well.

 

I am oddly amazed at how much I can miss You.  My interactions with You make me feel balanced and centered and keep me feeling much more like the person that I feel like I am.  I look back at how I was feeling before thanksgiving and You have made such an enormous difference.  Even bad days are more tolerable.  I’m not as frazzled.  I can focus better.  I feel so much more in control of my life.

And just like that, I have this overwhelming need for You, to feel You near me, to have You handle me.  I am totally flattered that You enjoy the thought of me being closer to You.  I know that we should not derive our own self worth from what other people think of us but I feel so much better about me since You have been here. 

The chaos has not gotten any better but it is so calming to think about submitting and serving You.  Thinking about submitting to You seems to quiet me, quiet all the external noise, quiet all the thinking about what DESPERATELY needs to be done.  And for someone who has always had all this external noise in their brain, that’s a pretty cool phenomena.

This type of feeling seems to be a staple in this lifestyle for those that find their way to this.  Sometimes we need reminded as to just how great this is for us.  After a point, it becomes normal and we can begin to take it for granted.  We can't really appreciate it unless we look at what it would be like without it as part of our lives.

I'm curious as to how all of you, my readers and followers, feel about this.  How has this lifestyle affected your life?  Has it made you more balanced and centered?  Has it helped you be a better person because you have been able to be yourself and not have to hide who you are any longer?  Does it bring a sense of calm to you and enable to you to be more grounded?  Please share your thoughts and feelings on this and how it has affected you, positively or negatively.

DV

Suffering For Greater Good

The definition of suffering is... an experience of unpleasantness and aversion associated with harm or threat of harm in an individual, and may be qualified either physically or mentally.  Suffering can be seen in many ways as pain.  In TTWD, there is a lot of what we do that revolves around pain and suffering.  This can be anywhere from very mild to very severe, depending on the type and way it is inflicted. It can be anything from orgasm withdrawal and mind games, to spanking, caning, flogging, and whatever else that may fall into the realm of physically inflicted pain. 

Discerning Dom wrote a post recently where he looked at whether all Dominants are Sadists.  A sadist being someone who derives pleasure from the infliction of pain.  Conversely, a masochist is someone who derives pleasure from receiving pain.  I don't by any means think that all Doms are sadists, and don't believe that all subs are masochists.  Yet, I do think that some sort of suffering is inherent in any and all D/s or power exchange relationships.  

Due to the nature of these type relationships, I think that suffering on some level is crucial to the relationship.  It tests the resolve and commitment of the relationship.  It can test a submissives desire and need to submit to her Dominant.  It can test her willingness to submit to her Doms desires and wishes.  From the Dominant side, it can test his willingness to push his submissive further.   It can test his desire to show his strength, power and control.  

Does this mean that either person is either a sadist or a masochist?  No, not at all.  Neither of them my receive direct pleasure from whatever activity is instituted.  Yet, they may both receive pleasure from the outcome of what the activity accomplished.  There may be quite a bit of pleasure, for one or both, by seeing the results of what they have done together.  As a Dominant, I may not get pleasure from making or seeing my submissive suffer, but I will get pleasure from know she laid herself out there for me, and suffered for me, to become a better person for it.  It can bring the two of you closer and strengthen the bond the two of you have.  The suffering, however mild or severe, can lead to a greater good.  

I think that suffering for the greater good can be a wonderful thing.  A person can learn and grow from positive reinforcement and behavior, but can also learn from negative behavior, suffering, and pain.  The key is knowing what type of suffering to inflict, doing it with a specific purpose, and doing it with love and intention, as well as a goal.  For me personally, I don't get pleasure from inflicting pain and suffering just for the sake of doing it.  There needs to be a purpose and a goal behind it.  I don't want to make and see her suffer for no reason.  I want to see the growth and benefits that come from having inflicted whatever I have done.  

I will leave you with this quote that I think describes very well exactly what I am trying to say...that there is a goal behind the infliction of the chosen suffering, and that hopefully it leads to the betterment of you both and to a greater good.  

Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape. --Charles Dickens

Formspring - A Slave Question

Should a Dom in a Master/slave relationship be able to bring other women into the relationship just because he is Master?

First let me say that I think this is outside of my realm.  I am not, nor have I ever been, involved in a Master/slave relationship.  There is much more control and oversight in this type relationship.  I don't want that.  It's not for me or who I am.  So, I can't speak from experience on this, but I will give my thoughts.  I also thought this would be a good chance for other to give their thoughts and opinions in the comments. 

I want to take a minute to make a few distinctions.  To me, the wording in this question is all over the map.  For me personally, I look at each name as a different characteristic, name being Dominant or Master, while many people tend to use these interchangeably.  To me, Dominant and submissive go together, while Master and slave go together, hence the abbreviations we see all the time, D/s and M/s.  Although, in the community, someone looked at as very experienced and knowledgeable, can be referred to as a Master.  I know it's confusing. 

In the context of this question, I think it's more important to look at the difference between a submissive and a slave.  A submissive is someone who submits to a Dominant and needs to be lead and guided.  She likes having someone control her to a degree.  She gives of herself for his pleasure and direction, and defers most control to him.  Yet, this may not be completely and fully, and she still has rights, and can say no at any time.  She can have limits and it is expected for those limits to be obliged.  A slave, on the other hand, has consensually given up all of her rights.  She is owned by her Master, has no right to refuse or say no, and is at his total mercy.  This is a choice she has chosen, and a right she has given her Master...to own her without question.  Period!  She has no limits and accepts that she could be subjected to anything of her Master's choosing.

Now let's go back to me saying I will give my view and opinion on this topic.  To me, every aspect of the relationship is negotiated.  If I want to introduce a new aspect to our relationship, it is discussed, or at least has been at some point previously.  If I now my submissive does not want it and will fight me on it, then I will not bring it in just because I want to do so.  To me that is wrong and in violation of the trust she has for me.  That is how I view and go about situations such as this. 

In theory, based on having total control, a Master does not have to ask his slave.  He can do as he chooses, whether this is some new kind of activity or bringing someone else into the relationship.  As a slave, she has given up her right to disagree with this.  It is his choice and his choice alone.  There is no arguing about it...his way is the only way...in theory.  I think that prior to any M/s relationship, or any type power exchange relationship, how things are handled and what is expected of each should be worked out in the beginning.  DO NOT become a slave before understanding fully what you are getting yourself into.  All of these understandings should be laid out before moving forward. 

I'm sure my readers and followers will be happy to chime in with their thoughts.  Two that come to mind, that I hope will give their two cents worth on this, are Mouse and Omega.  They are the two that come to mind that could really answer this question.  I for one, look forward to seeing what others think about this topic.

DV

Needles and Piercings

I consider myself a open minded person.  I tend to be able to look at a lot of things others find offensive, and maintain an objective view.  I try to comprehend situations that I don't have a clear understanding about.  Yet, as a Dominant, there are certain things I just don't get.  There are certain things that do not interest me and I don't want to participate in.  I guess in TTWD, these things would be called limits, and for me they would be hard limits. 

More specifically, this post is about needle play and piercings.  At least I guess that is what you would call it.  I'm not talking about piercings of ears, nipples or genitals.  I'm talking about piercings up and down your whole body.  In needle play, this would be needles up and down a big portion of your body.  Let me say that I do see an artistic side to some of this...multiple piercings, with ribbon run through them, to look like a corset...needles all along the side of a woman's body.  It can have an interesting look to it. 

Don't know what I'm talking about?  Well, you know I'm going to attach pictures for you.  In these pictures, I can see a certain artistic flair.  And maybe it's not much different than some people getting tattoos, or more standard piercings.  I'll just say that as much as I may see the artistry in this, it's not something which I would ever want to participate.  I would never ask or require a woman to mark and pierce her body in such a way that would leave permanent marks such as this. 

So, what are your thoughts on this?  Tell me your opinions and point of view.  I'm curious how others may see this.

Tis The Season To...Receive?

There are many women in this world who are in positions of authority.  They may hold a position within a business that puts them in charge.  Maybe they run their own business.  Maybe they are a Doctor or Lawyer.  Whatever the position and career, a woman can be in a position where she has to make decisions, direct other people, give orders, make choices that directly affect the outcome of a situation and greatly affects those around her.  She is constantly giving her thoughts, mind, intellect, and experience to others. 

A recent conversation revealed something to me.  Let me explain.  There are women in positions of power outside the home, as mentioned before, who are very successful in their careers.  They make a great living for their family and provide very well.  Their career has blossomed, and they have made great strides in becoming more and better within their chosen field.  Yet, they still are not happy.  There is still something missing.  They feel like they aren't enough.  Even at home they have people who rely on them to see to the household, and to their needs.  So, not only do they give all they can at work, but also have to give even more of themselves at home.  Always feeling like they aren't enough, they keep trying to give more, which continues to make them unhappy.  It's a constant cycle of spiraling downward.  Happiness in your professional life doesn't usually translate to overall happiness.  there has to be a balance between the professional and the personal side. 

Some of these women I speak of, at least for the point of this post, also happen to be submissive.  When many of us think of a submissive, we think about her giving.  We think about her giving herself, pleasing her partner, doing as he desires and requests, etc...  It is all about her giving, and finding pleasure in that.  That is true...to a degree.  But, when she gives at work and gives at home, and doesn't receive anything tangible in return, that is where the unhappiness sets in.  

This very well may not just apply to a submissive woman, but women in general.  They can only give so much without receiving in return.  They need to feel the strength of their partner.  They need to feel wanted and needed.  They need to feel appreciated and valued.   They need the structure and discipline that they receive from their partner.  When at home, they need to be able to follow and be guided.  In some cases they need to be held accountable and held to strict obedience.  They need to feel all of these things from their partner/Master/Dom.  This is what keeps them balanced and centered.  This is what makes them feel normal and like themselves.  Without it they can feel lost and not knowing how to steer the ship straight.

It all begins at home.  It all is based within your personal relationship with your partner.  If you are unhappy with this aspect of your life, then it will carry over to your professional life.  If you are happy and content in your personal life, then your professional life tends to look that much brighter.  Submission by a woman isn't all about giving...it is also about receiving.  A woman has to feel that she is receiving what she needs, or she will not be able to give the way she may like, or her partner may expect. 

To all you men, Dominants, and Masters, I leave you with this little reminder...it's not all about what she gives you.  It's not all about what you can take from her.  What she receives from you is a big part of the equation.  If she doesn't receive what she needs, then she can never be what you need her to be.  She will never be happy, and then...well...what's the point.  After all, this is about fulfilling the mutual needs of each other. 

To all the women, submissives, and slaves I say this...it's ok to need.  It's ok to expect your partner to give you what you need in your relationship, just as you give and offer to him what he needs.  It's ok to look at your relationship and understand that you do need to have your needs met.  It's ok to not just give, but to receive.  Tis the season for not only giving, but...for receiving!

Sometimes...

Sometimes...a picture really does speak louder than words. 

Sometimes...a picture can say things you could never fully express in words.   Things that you need to either be able to administer or put yourself in the position to be administered to. 

Sometimes...we just have basic carnal needs that we need to act out. To be able to let loose with what we feel inside. 

Sometimes...we need to show our authority, or be reminded of our place within the relationship. 

Sometimes...we need to show our devotion...our commitment...our gratitude for all we have. 

And sometimes...at the end of the day we need to know we are needed, wanted, appreciated, valued, and mean the world to someone else. 








Sometimes...you can say so much more with a picture.  You can express moods...set locations and scenes...show a dynamic...you can sometimes use one picture to get across what one thousand words might not begin to say. 

Sometimes...

When Communication Goes Wrong

Any of you who have read much of what I have written, or have read many blogs on the subject of D/s, know how important I think it is to communicate.  Being able to talk openly with your partner, tell them what you are feeling, express what is on your mind, good or bad, is vital to any relationship, but especially in TTWD.  I don't care what dynamic you have with your partner, from vanilla to the most extreme BDSM, you have to be able to talk openly about anything and everything.  That is the key to the door that unlocks the entire relationship. 

But what happens when that goes wrong?  What happens when there is miscommunication?  That can be a problem...even as much of a problem as a lack of communication itself.  This is where the art of communication comes into play.  Sometimes it isn't enough just to talk and express.  There are times when how what you say what's on your mind and how it is perceived by your partner that can make the difference between understanding and being offended. 

Personally, I demand open communication.  I don't want my partner holding their thoughts, feelings, and issues inside and letting them fester into something bad.  This has a potential down side of which you need to be aware.  With some people, maybe they haven't fully processed what they are thinking or feeling.  Yet, because I have asked for her openness, she lets it flow off the cuff...just letting what is on her mind spill out.  It is something she need to share and discuss.  The problem arises when it just comes flowing out and how it is presented isn't taken into account.  To a Dominant, it has the possibility of coming across as demanding or controlling.  It can hit him the wrong way, thereby putting him on the the defensive.  The dilemma is that, for me, I have asked her to be open and share, but now I am berating her for doing so and for what she is saying.  

So...what's a man to do?!?!  I guess I could spank her until it makes me feel better.  (joke)  But that really isn't going to solve the issue.  I don't need to confuse her and make her think that being open with me was a bad thing to do.  Communication is a two-way street, so if you reach this point you need to take a step back.  Look at the situation and see why you are even talking about this.  I need to notice what is happening and dig deeper.  I need to be able to find out and understand where she is coming from with this...what is behind it and what is driving it.  She needs to be willing to look deeper and see what has caused her to feel the way she is feeling and be willing to express that. 

I know some of the Dominants and Masters might look at this and say that there is no room for disrespect, or coming across as demanding or controlling.  I agree to a point, but that is not the point of my post (that is an entire different post in itself).  I think the most important thing, though, is to find out why you are having the discussion in the first place, why it is an issue for her, and what is causing this issue.  It's possible she didn't mean any disrespect, and she just used a poor choice of words in expressing herself.  If this is not the case, then feel free to punish her as you will.  But for me...I am more concerned with the bigger picture of why this is an issue in the first place, and reaching a resolution.  And for the record, this isn't easy.  I will be the first to tell you that I can take something the wrong way and fly off the handle about it.  Or let me re-phrase...I can take something at face value as it was presented, but that may not be the intention behind what was said.  As I learn to take my own advice, it's better to slow down and find out what is behind the spoken words, than to just assume you understand how they were presented. 

Communication can be a double edged sword at times.  We all want open communication and to be able to share what is on our mind.  Yet, you don't want to feel like you are in a lose/lose situation for doing so.  When communication goes awry, try to look at the subject and intention behind it.  Sometimes things may not be all they appear on the surface.  It is worth the effort to figure out what is happening behind the words.  That potentially can make all the difference in the world.

Striving For More

This picture...this picture...I absolutely love it!  I have stared at it off and on all morning trying to put into words what I see and feel.  I have had trouble finding those words.  Why?  Because it says so much to me.  This picture speaks to me...it speaks to my heart and soul.  It rouses feelings that are hard for me to describe.  A million things go through my head, but getting those thoughts organized to be able to put them down into legible articulation, well that's a different story.

To me this exudes strength.  It speaks of love.  It speaks of care.  It's having someone under your care and showing the gentle strength to lead and guide her the way she needs and deserves.  From her side, it shows her strength to be his.  It shows her willingness to stand by his side.  Her desire to be his.  It represents her need to be his, and be there for him.  I see his desire to bare himself to her, and her baring her all for him as well.  It is mutual adoration.  

Even though he towers above her, he shows a gentleness in wrapping his arm around her.  Pulling her in close to show his love and care for her.  Letting her know he will protect and defend her with all he has, in return for her devotion.  Even though he towers above her, she is calm and at peace.  This is where she needs to be.  This is where she feels safe...by his side, under his protection, knowing he would do anything for her.  Just as she gives herself to him completely and relies upon him, she does so with full trust that he will do the same for her.  

This reminded me of a post written by thesubmissivebf a few days ago.  (the post can be found here)  The words in the post ring so true to me, and how I see a D/s relationship between two people.  This is how I think a relationship like this should be. 

"When a woman submits its because she has found the strength to do so. The belief in herself to take on such a role she can only do so when she feels unconditional love and soul guiding trust. She has to understand her purpose and how important she is to Him and how important she is to herself."

A woman can only assume this role when she believes in herself...when she understands who she is, is happy with that role, and understands it.  She also has to believe in him, and his ability to guide and lead in a way that is beneficial for the growth of her as a person.  It's through love and trust that she believes in him and all he can be for her.  She has to feel it within her soul to be able to let go and be his unconditionally.  It has nothing to do with her letting go and losing who she is in being his.  It is about finding herself deep within, and being all that she can be.  It is about realizing that she is of utmost importance to him, just as he is to her.  They feed off the needs of each other, relying on each other to be all they can be for themselves and their partner.  

This is what I strive to be.  This is what I have in my sights to become.  I don't feel I can ever be enough.  I always want to be more...learn more...grow into more of the man and Dominant I desire to be.  I can have all the desire in the world, but without that special partner by my side, then the desire remains only a desire.  Having her there, that enables the desire to be put into action.  To learn from her how to be better and be more of who I am and who she needs me to be...who I need to be for myself.  That is a partnership I love being a part of...one I need in my life.  In leading and guiding, I am also pushed.  Pushed to become better. That is something we should all strive to achieve. 

"When You Love A Woman"

I have recently tried something new.  It's not the best, but not too bad for my first attempt, I suppose.  What has DV done?  I have created my own video.  I have never even attempted anything like this before, and had no clue what I was doing.  For that matter, now that I'm done, I still have no clue what I'm doing, or how I got a finished product.  LOL! 

The video is a collage of D/s related pics, put to the music of one of my favorite bands...Journey.  The song I chose is one of my favorites from the "Trial By Fire" album, which was putout in 1996.  And yes, growing up, Journey was one of my favorite bands.  The lyrics and video are below.  I hope you enjoy it.

 Journey - When You Love A Woman

In my life I see where I've been
I said that I'd never fall again
Within myself I was wrong
My searchin' ain't over...over
I know that

[Chorus:]
When you love a woman
You see your world inside her eyes
When you love a woman
You know she's standin' by your side
A joy that lasts forever
There's a band of gold that shines waiting somewhere...oh yeah

If I can't believe that someone is true
To fall in love is so hard to do
I hope and pray tonight
Somewhere you're thinkin' of me girl
Yes I know...I know that

[Chorus]

It's enough to make you cry
When you see her walkin' by
And you look into her eyes

[Chorus]

When you love a woman...
When you love, love, love, love
When you love a woman
You see your world inside her eyes