"Being Broken"...The Dominants Role

In my last post I talked about the subject of "breaking" a sub.  I got some great comments and had some good discussions as to how we all view this subject.  Sometimes a submissive feels the need herself to be broken, and sometimes her Dominant feels it is necessary.  Whatever the case, this is not about breaking her down completely, making her lose her identity, breaking her spirit, and trying to create something of your own choosing out of the shell of a person that remains.  This is about breaking down a specific wall or barrier for a specific purpose, and to help her be a better person, be the person she is deep inside, and the person she desires to be. 

I mentioned in my last post about all the recent posts in blogland that have been written lately in regards to this.  One thing I haven't seen much about is the role of the Dominant.  Let me make this very clear (my disclaimer)...this is not something for the beginner Dominant.  I feel it takes a very special  and knowledgeable hand to be able to do this correctly.  It is not something you just do and say I'm going to push until I break you. 

Being able to take a submissive to the edge and just over it requires a very intimate knowledge of the submissive.  You need to know her inside and out...physically, emotionally, and mentally.  You need to know what she can take and what she can't.  There is a very fine line between pushing her just over the edge to accomplish the intended goal, versus pushing her way past the edge and falling off the cliff.  You need to be able to read her actions and reactions and know when you are close and when you have reached the point you were out to find. 

This only comes with time and experience together.  Without this knowledge of her, you are just shooting aimlessly into the dark.  Maybe you'll hit your mark, and maybe you won't.  This isn't something where you are just guessing and hoping.  There is very little room for error here.  This requires a huge amount of trust and respect for the Dominant by the submissive.  She is putting herself in your hands, and trusting you know how to reach the intended goal without destroying her.  Not being able to read and understand her, you could very easily do her more harm than good. 

This should go without saying, but I will definitely make sure to cover it...AFTERCARE!!!  If aftercare was ever needed, this is the time for it.  you have taken to her to the edge and beyond, and brought about extreme emotions within her.  You certainly can't just leave her that way.  She needs to be held and supported and made to feel loved.  She needs to know you are there for her.  She needs to feel and see your care and know that you are there to prop her up now that you have taken her to what could have been one of her lowest points ever. 

This aftercare doesn't just mean fifteen minutes after the actions occurred.  From the mental and emotional side, it could mean seeing after her and keeping a check on her for days.  you don't just bring about extreme emotions, and ones that may have been hidden deep inside her for years or a lifetime, and expect she will be fine and over within a day or so.  You need to be there for her, to encourage her and talk to her openly about this as needed.  Anything less, in my opinion, in nothing but mental and emotional abuse.  You can't take her to a place like this and then just leave her to her own devices to work it out.  You got her here, you damn well better help her deal with it afterwards.

As a Dominant, this may not be something that is fun for you.  It may not play into your idea of being pleased and enjoyment.  But that's not what this is always about.  Being dominant isn't always fun and games.  It's about helping her reach her goals and become a better person.  It's about giving her what she needs, and maybe even requests.  This isn't just about fun, but about being a leader and a man, and being the best one you can be for your submissive.  It's about becoming a better Dominant yourself through the process. 

Through situations like this, she will need you more than ever.  Don't do her the disservice of not being there for her completely.  That defeats the whole purpose of the entire relationship.  Be the Dominant you say you are and need to be for her.  In the end, she will trust and respect you more than ever.  She will belong to you more than she has before.  She will be a better submissive for you, and a better woman.  And that is the entire purpose of taking her to the "breaking" point to begin with.  

He Has A Way...

(more excerpts from inside the head of DV)

He has a way about his approach to her.  He loves to put her in positions that he views as both submissive and vulnerable.  Positions where she is bound and can move slightly but can't get out of place.  Today, he chooses not to blindfold her.  He wants her to see him moving about, and let her wonder what he is doing.  Let her wonder what implements will be his choice this time. He wants the butterflies to build within her.  He knows it makes her nervous, yet excites her at the same time.  This is what she has asked for in giving herself to him, and it makes her drip with nervous anticipation.


Sometimes she still does not understand this.  She still questions how she can need such things from him.  How she can be so nervous, and subject herself to this.  And yet it turns her on beyond belief.  Her mind says one thing, while her body responds so willingly.  Her mind may question her desire, but her body has no doubts whatsoever.  It burns with a searing heat produced from deep inside, and like no one else has ever made her feel.  

This is her drug.  It's addictive.  As much as she tries she can't do without.  He makes her want and need what only he can give to her.  Sometimes he makes her beg for it.  Sometimes he sates her just a bit but not enough.  Other times he makes her suffer the withdrawals of going without.  While still, other times he gives her so much she thinks she will overdose and can't handle it.  


She has never presented herself to anyone like she does him.  She has never willingly been this vulnerable to anyone or anything.  So why?  Why now?  Why him?  Because she trusts him with every ounce of her being.  She trusts him with her life and every breath she takes.  He has proven he is worthy of her trust.  That he will push her limits and boundaries, but will also care for and see to her well being.  He treats her like his most valued possession, makes her feel appreciated and loved.  She respects him like she has never respected anyone, man or woman.  She truly does belong to him in the most sacred of ways...in her mind. 


As he approaches her, her moves around behind her.  All she can hear is a faint snicker come from him.  She knows why he is laughing.  She is embarrassed, but can't help it, and now that he is standing behind her watching, it kicks into overdrive.  She can feel herself dripping.  She can feel the moisture pouring from within her.  All this time he hasn't said a word.  He hasn't made a single utterance about his intentions or of her being left in this position.  Then finally the silence is broken...

"Oh look...you made a puddle for me again.  You can clean it up when we are done.  No point in doing it now when you'll just have to do it again later."  

Something So Special

There is something so special about trusting another person with all that you are.  There is something so special in giving yourself to someone so completely that you trust them to care for you, love you, guide you, and provide for all your needs...mentally, emotionally, and physically.  There is something so special about being able to feel like a priceless treasure to someone, by giving all you are and have to that person.

There is something so special about being trusted by another person with all that they are.  There is something so special about a person giving themself to you completely to love them, care for them, guide them, and provide for all their needs...mind, body, and soul.  There is something so special about making someone feel like a priceless treasure, by them being willing to give you all that they are and have.

There is something so special about the give and take of a D/s relationship. The outward appearance is that of one giving and the other taking.  The reality is that each person is giving the other what they need.  The reality is that each is taking what they need from the other.  The give and take ebbs and flows in perfect harmony based upon the needs and desires of each person within the couple. 

The entirety of a D/s relationship, and what it gives to each person involved, is something so special.

Trust and Surrender

Many times in my life I have tried to describe what I want...what I need.  More times than I can count I have made an effort here on my blog to say and show how I feel and what I want in a D/s relationship.  I guess, really, it's more of what I ultimately need in a D/s relationship.  I have tried to describe my approach and belief as a Dominant...how I see things, what I want in a submissive, what they can expect of me, etc...  

Every D/s relationship involves a tremendous amount of trust.  A Dom expects and needs it from his submissive, and a submissive needs to be able to trust her Dom with all she has.  This doesn't just happen overnight.  Trust is built over time.  It is gained through actions that back up words.  It is gained by both people by being able to see that you mean what you say.  That you will actually do what you say you will do. 

I was on the website The Iron Gate yesterday browsing around.  I came across this poem, and as I read it I found it to be very powerful.  It moved me emotionally.  The more I read, the more it affected me.  I can't tell you how many times I read it, but it was quite a few.  Soaking in more and more of what the poem said with each reading.  The more I read the poem, the more I saw myself in it.  So much so that I could have easily written it myself.  I think what affected me the most is this poem said everything I think...everything I feel...and everything I don't seem to be able to find the words to express. 

Here is the poem...

Surrender 

Author: PAELUS

Trust Me with your heart.
Place it in My hands,
To crush or caress.
Trust that I will not hurt you.
Give it to Me because you desire Me to possess it,
Not because it is My will.

Trust Me with your mind.
Place it in My hands, also,
To destroy or reshape.
Trust Me to mold it according to your needs
Not simply to suit My own purposes.

Trust Me with your body.
It too, place in My hands.
Mine, to batter or protect.
Trust Me to keep you safe
And to provide for you that which is needed
to ensure your happiness.

Trust Me with your very soul.
Place it in My hands, as well.
Lay it bare before Me, vulnerable to My will.
Trust that I will guide you safely through the darkness
protecting your interests at all times,
regardless of My desires.

Above all, trust Me with your complete and total surrender.
Trust that I will honor and cherish
your submission to Me.
Trust that I will not abuse this gift
That you so lovingly give to Me.

© 6/18/07

Feelings

Feelings!  Not the physical kind, but those of an emotional level.  We all have them in so many ways about so many things.  When it comes to TTWD, also known in my world as D/s, feelings can be very intense.  In my experience, feeling can be much more intense in a D/s situation than most people realize.  Those that are involved in this understand this.  Those that are not involved in this, have a hard time understanding it.  Those just becoming involved in it, seem to underestimate the power of the feelings involved.

When starting out in D/s, there are many things, situations and activities that are discussed.  Talking can only take you so far.  For so many aspects of D/s, you really can't get a grasp of it totally until you have actually experienced it.  The feelings involved are definitely one of those aspects.  A Dominant can discuss with his sub, or potential sub, about how intense feelings can become.  About how intense being together in this manor can be.  About how when things perfectly line up, and you find the "one" for you, how intense the feelings for each other can be.  Until they begin to actually experience it, and get away from just talking about it, it is very hard for a sub to really comprehend how it will be.

For many people, Doms and subs alike, they may have never been in a position to have feelings like this before.  They may have never allowed themselves to be open enough to feel like this before.  Maybe they have wanted it, but they have never found the right person to be able to give them what they really need, enabling them to open up and feel like this.  Whatever the case, once it happens, it is hard to prepare for it before you begin to have these intense feelings for your partner.  It can catch many people off guard.  In reality, it can be so different than anything they have felt before, that what they are feeling and experiencing in their mind scares the hell out of them.  They are afraid of what they are feeling and want to run and hide.  There is a sense of being too vulnerable.  There is a sense of being too exposed.  There is a sense of nothing good can come of this, and that the only possible ending to it is being hurt.  Most of the time this is because of past experience with a partner, or not having been through this before, and feeling so open that they just can't deal with it.

This is where trust and open communication become so vitally important.  It is a must to be able to talk this through with your partner.  As a Dom, I feel I have to show my sub that it is ok to feel this way. It is natural for these feelings to develop.  Most importantly, that I am in no way here to hurt you or cause you any psychological or emotional damage.  Trust is developed over time.  A person can't demand it.  It is over time that you will see that my actions back up my words.  That I am here to care for you, protect you, and guide you to what is best for you.  It serves me no purpose to take you down a road of destruction.  I am here to show you the way to new and better things.  I am here to show you how great this can be.  I am here to help you see and feel things in a way you never thought you could, or even knew you could.

Most people that are afraid of what they are feeling do so because it is new, and they don't understand it.  Yet, deep down they do like what they are feeling and know that it is something very special.  A door has been opened for them to a whole new world.  A world that maybe they have been searching for their entire lives.  We all get in our comfort zone, and can be afraid to step out of it.  But, only in stepping out of it and into new territory can we grow and progress.  If you stand still, you can't move forward...you become static...and you will never go anywhere other than where you are right now.  Is that what you really want?  Is that what you really want to settle for being?  I don't think so!  I think a sub wants to be able to step through that door and have what is waiting on the other side.  With some care, love and reassurance, she can see how great things can be.  That her fears may have been a bit over-thought.

It is hard to try and to look for something that may not exist, which would cause anyone to lose hope.  But when you do find it...when you find that special person and those special feelings...even if it is scary, aren't you glad you have a guiding hand to hold onto to show you the way.  A hand that will protect you the best it can and be there for you.  One that wants nothing but to make this adventure the best it can be.  You may be frightened...scared...afraid...or even terrified.  I think the only thing worse than that is the thought of giving it up when it's everything you have ever wanted.  Finding what you have always wanted and needed, only to give up and walk away because it seems scary to you?  To me that is more frightening than facing the feelings, accepting them, and taking a chance on a wonderful and beautiful relationship. 

Don't be afraid!  Here is my hand. Take it in yours!  Hold onto me and together we can face this journey.  Together we can make it everything we have ever wanted.  All you have to do is let me show you the way.  Let me show you that your trust in me is worth every once you have.  I won't let you down!