"Being Broken"...The Dominants Role

In my last post I talked about the subject of "breaking" a sub.  I got some great comments and had some good discussions as to how we all view this subject.  Sometimes a submissive feels the need herself to be broken, and sometimes her Dominant feels it is necessary.  Whatever the case, this is not about breaking her down completely, making her lose her identity, breaking her spirit, and trying to create something of your own choosing out of the shell of a person that remains.  This is about breaking down a specific wall or barrier for a specific purpose, and to help her be a better person, be the person she is deep inside, and the person she desires to be. 

I mentioned in my last post about all the recent posts in blogland that have been written lately in regards to this.  One thing I haven't seen much about is the role of the Dominant.  Let me make this very clear (my disclaimer)...this is not something for the beginner Dominant.  I feel it takes a very special  and knowledgeable hand to be able to do this correctly.  It is not something you just do and say I'm going to push until I break you. 

Being able to take a submissive to the edge and just over it requires a very intimate knowledge of the submissive.  You need to know her inside and out...physically, emotionally, and mentally.  You need to know what she can take and what she can't.  There is a very fine line between pushing her just over the edge to accomplish the intended goal, versus pushing her way past the edge and falling off the cliff.  You need to be able to read her actions and reactions and know when you are close and when you have reached the point you were out to find. 

This only comes with time and experience together.  Without this knowledge of her, you are just shooting aimlessly into the dark.  Maybe you'll hit your mark, and maybe you won't.  This isn't something where you are just guessing and hoping.  There is very little room for error here.  This requires a huge amount of trust and respect for the Dominant by the submissive.  She is putting herself in your hands, and trusting you know how to reach the intended goal without destroying her.  Not being able to read and understand her, you could very easily do her more harm than good. 

This should go without saying, but I will definitely make sure to cover it...AFTERCARE!!!  If aftercare was ever needed, this is the time for it.  you have taken to her to the edge and beyond, and brought about extreme emotions within her.  You certainly can't just leave her that way.  She needs to be held and supported and made to feel loved.  She needs to know you are there for her.  She needs to feel and see your care and know that you are there to prop her up now that you have taken her to what could have been one of her lowest points ever. 

This aftercare doesn't just mean fifteen minutes after the actions occurred.  From the mental and emotional side, it could mean seeing after her and keeping a check on her for days.  you don't just bring about extreme emotions, and ones that may have been hidden deep inside her for years or a lifetime, and expect she will be fine and over within a day or so.  You need to be there for her, to encourage her and talk to her openly about this as needed.  Anything less, in my opinion, in nothing but mental and emotional abuse.  You can't take her to a place like this and then just leave her to her own devices to work it out.  You got her here, you damn well better help her deal with it afterwards.

As a Dominant, this may not be something that is fun for you.  It may not play into your idea of being pleased and enjoyment.  But that's not what this is always about.  Being dominant isn't always fun and games.  It's about helping her reach her goals and become a better person.  It's about giving her what she needs, and maybe even requests.  This isn't just about fun, but about being a leader and a man, and being the best one you can be for your submissive.  It's about becoming a better Dominant yourself through the process. 

Through situations like this, she will need you more than ever.  Don't do her the disservice of not being there for her completely.  That defeats the whole purpose of the entire relationship.  Be the Dominant you say you are and need to be for her.  In the end, she will trust and respect you more than ever.  She will belong to you more than she has before.  She will be a better submissive for you, and a better woman.  And that is the entire purpose of taking her to the "breaking" point to begin with.  

You Raise Me Up

I was feeling a bit inspired this morning.  The creative juices were flowing, and I decided it was time to make another video.  I have been thinking about it for a while, and got the motivation this morning. 

I have been sifting through and sorting pictures for it.  Then I found what I feel is the perfect song to go with the pictures and says a lot about how I see D/s and this lifestyle.  How I think it should be and what the purpose of it is within us all.  It's being supportive and being there for each other.  It's being close and intimate.  It's being a rock and foundation for each other.  It's being each others strength, and making each other more than you could be otherwise. 

The Song is "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban.  I hope you enjoy it and would love your feedback. 

"You raise me up so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas

I am strong when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more than I can be"

"I Won't Let Go"

So much of what we all read about, write about, think about, etc... revolves around the dynamic of TTWD.  It has to do with the inner workings of whatever dynamic you may be involved in, and how that affects your play and daily life.  Yet, daily life sometimes can creep in and create issues.  Oh hell...who am I kidding?!?!  Sometimes daily life doesn't creep, it runs at us full speed and blindsides us, like a Linebacker coming from the weak side and absolutely leveling an unsuspecting Quarterback.  You know the kind of hit I'm talking about...the one where you wonder how the Quarterback could even still be alive, no less get up and keep playing. 

It can happen to us all.  That's just the way life is.  It is unrelenting, vicious, and happens out of the blue.  This is when the acumen of a Dominant is seen with clarity by his submissive.  When she is down and facing life obstacles and misfortunes...this is when A dominant needs to step up and be a real man.  I'm not speaking about a man of the Dominant persuasion.  He needs to be able to shed his Dominant cape when the situation calls for it.  He needs to become a mortal man and be there for his submissive.  He needs to be her best friend, her shoulder, her counselor, and be there for her in any way she may require.  He needs to offer her all the comfort and support he has, and then some.  He needs to be her rock and her foundation. She will see this and will take notice.  How a Dom behaves during these tough times, in her eyes, will define the kind of man he really is.

I have been told before... "Don't worry about my problems.  I don't mean to unload on you and bring you down with my weight."  You know what I say to this?  Hogwash!!!  When she is happy...I am happy.  When she is sad...I am sad for her.  What makes her happy...I enjoy.  What causes her grief...I want to destroy.  Her problems are my problems and together we face and deal with them.  A good Dominant will be fully invested in his submissive.  From the good, to the bad, to the otherwise.  If it affects her, then it affects him.  He isn't there just for the fun and play moments.  He should be there for every moment.  He should be willing to ride the waves of life with her, whether it is going up one side, or coming back down the other side. In the end this will bring you closer and strengthen the binds between you. 

I heard a song today that made me think of this very thing.  It's about being there for your partner.  It's about offering comfort and stability.  It's about letting them know you are there for them no matter what.  It's letting them know that their fight is also your fight, and you will be there for them no matter what.  These lyrics (chorus and refrain listed) are so strong to me, and are words I live by:

Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
you're gonna make it
Yeah I know you can make it

Always be strong for her.  Always be there for her when she needs it most.  Be willing to give of yourself in every way possible.  Be willing to hold, comfort, and support her likes she needs and most definitely deserves.  And remember..someday you just may need it yourself.

Let Her Be Your Strength

I read a couple of posts this morning that moved me and got me to thinking.  Did you feel the ground shake just a bit?  No, it wasn't another earthquake or aftershock in Japan...it was just me and the wheels in my head turning at warp speed.  One of the posts was by Kitten for Sir and was titled His, mine, O/ours.  The other post was written by Sir J at A Dominant Character, and was titled But why do you do it?  The general theme of both of these posts is a Dominant dealing with a problem or stressful time, and the role of His submissive during this time.

I won't get into the specifics of these posts, as you can read them yourself.  But these posts got me to thinking about what I want, need, and expect from my partner in times of stress and turmoil.  First let me touch on what I think is not only a typical Dominant response and attitude, but one of men in general.  I think as a Dominant, we want and need to be involved with all that happens with our sub.  We expect her to share with us what all is happening with her, so that we can help and guide her with any problem or issue she may have.  We can even demand that she share these things with us.   We consider this as a responsibility of ours to be able to do this for her.  She belongs to us, and her problems are our problems.  In my case, I not only feel it is my duty and responsibility, but something I want to do for her.  To help her in any way I can, and be there for her through anything and everything.

Yet, when we Dominants have an issue, endure struggles, or face controversy and frustration, we tend to keep it to ourselves.  We don't want to bother our submissive with our problems, or burden them with it.  We are big, tough, strong Dominants!  We don't need anyone's help.  We can deal with our own problems.  We tend to internalize all that happens to us and keep it inside.  We feel the need to find a way to handle it and deal with it ourselves.  Sharing our problems, in the male mind, is a sign of weakness to us.  We can feel like it diminishes our role and the person we are, if we seem weak and open ourselves up.  We are supposed to be superman and be able to deal with anything that is thrown our way.  Apparent weakness is our Kryptonite.  It is the worst thing that we could possibly imagine.

I have touched on this before at times.  Is appearing weak really a bad thing?  I don't think so!  I think it shows we are human.  Is opening up with our issues, struggles and problems really a sign of weakness?  I don't think so!  I think it is a sign of strength.  It is a sign of feeling secure about whom you are as a person and with your partner in your relationship, and not worrying about what others view of you may be.  This can be true for any relationship, and not just a D/s dynamic.  But, I think it is even more important in this type dynamic.  We as a Dominant ask our submissives to respect and trust us in every way, and to do so on a level much deeper than she may have ever done before.  Don't we owe them the same amount of trust and respect?  Absolutely!  For me, I want and need her love, and her care, and her support, and her views to help me get through tough times.

I think almost all submissives would do anything they could for their Dom.  They want to be there for them.  Not just as a submissive, but as a supportive partner.  I, personally, want all she has to give me.  She has given of herself completely...mind, body and soul.  That doesn't mean a Dom should just use her for His pleasure, control her, and make demands of her, and that is all.  She isn't His to just to feed His Dominant needs and desires.  She is a person with her own thoughts and views, and has a lot more to offer than just her body.  She is your most trusted ally.  She is your rock.  Together the two of you make up the foundation of all that you have together.  You should never discount her in any way.  You should take advantage of all she is and can offer you.  Your relationship isn't completely about Dominance and control 100% of the time.  There are moments when you are on more of an equal footing.  I encourage you to take advantage of this, and let her feed your soul.  Let her support you and lift you up.  Let her encourage you.  Let her help you gain some traction and move past whatever struggles you have.

I believe in the long run, it is scenarios like this that will make your relationship stronger.  It will bring you closer.  It will let her learn to trust and respect you more.  You have opened up and shared your own problems, and she has been able to lift you up and help you conquer.  She can see that not only do you require this of her, but you are willing to do the same.  You are relying on her as much as she is relying on you.  Let her be your strength.  Once you do, the two of you will become stronger than either of you can ever achieve on your own. 

Doing It Right?!?!

"This is how you know you're doing it right!" 

I came across this picture and it had this caption along with it.   This made me stop in my tracks and think...and stare...and think some more.  Is this true?  Is this how it is supposed to be?  Is this what we should all push for and strive to achieve?  To make her so emotional that she breaks down and cries?

I have written in the past (as many of you know) about feelings and emotions for a submissive in TTWD.  Do I think we should strive for this type of mental and emotional breakdown?  No, not strive for necessarily!  Do I think that this is bound to happen at times?  Yes...absolutely!  I think it is inevitable.  I don't think there is any way around it.

A submissive, whether new to her submission or one that is been involved in this for a while, can be very emotional.  A Master or Dominant is supposed to help her find herself.  To help her find who she really is and needs to be.  To help bring that out of her, into the open, and face it head on.  He is there to push her limits and take her farther than either of them know she can go.  This will bring out some very raw emotions, as well as nervousness and maybe even some fear.  She may not only be scared of what he may do to her, but of how she will react to it.  A majority of the time, this fear is of the unknown.  She is heading into uncharted waters and doesn't know what to expect.  This is only natural.

Just for the record, let me add my usual mantra about this process.  Any of you that follow me regularly know this already.  This isn't about blindly pushing and forcing a submissive to do things.  It isn't about doing things to her, just for the sake of doing them.  A Master or Dom should be very calculated in his approach and methods.  This should be done with care and safety in mind.   I don't necessarily believe in pushing to the point of breaking, with the intent of breaking.  Yet, at times it will happen.  If you are doing your job, she will be pushed past the breaking point at times.  However, it is the Doms job to be able to read her and see when she is there, even if the activity is new to him as well.  She is at his mercy and his control, and it is his job to take care of her.  There is never anything wrong with small baby steps and working into things.

You must be prepared to care for her not only during the process of the activity you are doing, but after as well.    The aftercare and support can be as important, if not more so, as the actual activity itself.  This is when she will know that you are there for her...the bond between you can strengthen...and she can feel the love and care you have for her.  It is in this that she knows she is not alone in dealing with this.  It re-affirms her decision to be yours, as she can see and feel that she gave herself to you, you pushed her, she went over the edge, and you are there to catch her and help her through the mental and emotional aspects that follow.  It is in this, that she will become even more yours, as the bonds between you grow deeper.

So...do I think you have to break her down, like in the picture, to be doing things right?  No I don't!  But I do think it will happen at times, whether it is planned or not.  It is part of the process.  It is how the two of you deal with it and deal with each other, when it does happen, that matters most.  It's this dealing with it that can ultimately show you both how much you mean to each other, bring you closer, and show you the purpose of the whole relationship.  She should never have to deal with these emotions on her own.  It should always be something you work through together to better understand where you have been, where you are, and where you would like to go.  Apart...you will not make it very far!  Together...you can climb mountains!