So Much More...

When people in general hear something or think about D/s or bdsm, the first thing that comes to mind for them is kink.  It is about the physical acts, the force, the sex, being tied up, spanking, etc...  It is what most would refer to as stepping outside the norm of sexual interactions.  If you just like to play the roles every once in a while, then sure, it is all about the physical acts.  When you don't understand it, sure all you see is the physical acts.  When you have never experienced it for yourself, all you know and see are the physical acts beyond what is the norm for you.  But for many of us, it isn't just the kink.  It isn't just the physical acts.  It's so much more!

In my most recent post (You Raise Me up), the video I made and posted attempts to show this.  Yes, the video portrays Domination and submission.  Yet, I tried to make it show and exemplify the deeper side of this lifestyle.  Showing couples that are involved in these types of relationships, and attempting to show the connection and bond between them.  Trying to show the depth of what they have together.  The lyrics to the song stress this point as well.  When we have a great partner and are together, you do raise each other up.  You give each other strength.  You enable each other to be more than you could be on your own.  And don't think it is just the Dom enabling the sub.  It goes both ways.  A sub can have just as powerful an affect on her Dom and show him how much more and better he can be as well. 


There was a recent post I read by Kitty, where she re-posted and quoted some words written by her Daddy and Husband.  The post (click here to read it) is about how the word submission is viewed in society and gets a bad rap.  Then it goes into the religious references of how a husband and wife should be towards each other.  Daddy explains his view extremely well.  He makes it very clear, which I completely agree with, that submission isn't just about giving and not receiving.  It isn't just about a woman submitting to her husband, obeying, and doing as he says.  The husband should be willing to give as well.  In being in charge and having control, the husband should be willing to give everything he is and has  The Husband should give all he has to and for her, up to and including laying down his own life for her. 

Does that sound like kink to you?  Does that sound like it's just fun physical acts?  Not to me!  It's so much more!  It's a connection and bond that transcends everything else.  Even in everyday life, it's the dynamic within the relationship that can lend strength and stability.  It can make you feel more like yourself, more balanced, and more centered than you could ever be on your own.  It can make you desire to give more of yourself than you have ever given anyone.  It's a place and feeling of safety and security.  There is no other place you would rather be than with that person, giving of yourself, and accepting what they have to offer in return.  It is...home!

Formspring: Outlets For Spousal Differences

I just came upon your blog through another blog. You state your wife is not into the scene with you. What is your outlet? I'm not trying to be overly nosy but I am curious when one spouse has needs the other isn't able or willing to fulfill. Thanks!

I have mentioned this in my blog before, but it's not something I discuss very much.  Yet, those that have followed me for a while know I'm married and she isn't into the lifestyle.  Actually, it is because of our intimacy differences, and growing apart years ago in the area, that has enabled me to venture into D/s as I have.  For lack of a better way to put it, we have an open relationship and allow each other to do our own thing outside the home.  She is very aware of what I'm into, aware of my blogs, and supports me in my ventures.  That is, as long as it doesn't affect our home life.  Even if we were still intimate, in no way would she be into D/s or bdsm.  It's just not her or her personality.

So, for me this is how I have an outlet to meet the needs that I can't get at home.  The only real way I know of to scratch the itch is to find someone willing to scratch it for you.  For me that is pretty easy because we are very open in our communication and each is aware of the others activities.  For most people, that would mean sneaking around, having an affair, infidelity, or whatever you want to call it.  Most partners in a relationship are not going to agree to an open relationship.  For that matter, most couples don't seem to have enough open communication to even discuss it.

Now, before you go to far, DV did not say go out and have an affair. If you do that, it is by your own choosing and the choices you have decided to make for yourself.  Ultimately, you need to be able to sit down and discuss things in a calm and rational manner with your spouse.  After all, if you can't talk to your spouse then there are bigger issues than differences in sexual needs.  You need to be able to discuss with each other what your needs are and why.  Try to find some middle ground that can work for you both. 

In a good marital relationship, each person should be willing to try new and different things in order to help meet the needs of each other.  You may not be able to get your husband or wife fully on board with this scene, but if you get them part of the way there it's better than nothing, assuming that is what you want and need yourself.  I think a married couple should always do everything possible for each other to make things work.  After all, isn't that what marriage is about?!?!  If you can't do this and it doesn't work, then you are left with few options, and they all seem to involve doing something behind your spouses back, so to speak. 

As a general rule, if you are down to the few options, and you choose to go outside your marriage, then there are bigger problems with your marriage than a lack of bdsm or D/s.  And yes, I fall into the category of bigger problems.  I won't exclude myself from that.  I have been lucky enough to be able to work through this with my wife and keep our family in tact.  It's certainly not the most ideal, and I do miss out on a lot because of it.  But, as for now it works for us and is what we have agreed to do.  that may change down the road, but only time will tell. 

Thanks for the question.  I'm not sure this helped, but maybe it helped reinforce what you already know.

DV

BDSM Hits Main Street

I was talking with my wife the other night (who is not into this scene for those that don't know that), and she started telling me about this book she was reading.  She said it was like any other book until...she got to a particular chapter.   (I can't remember if she said chapter 3 or 8)  Then the look on her face changed and she said "I had to stop and look to see if I was still reading the same book or if I was on your blog."  LOL!  All of a sudden things went BDSM apparently, and it caught her off guard.

Any guess on the book?

Yep, turns out she was reading "Fifty Shades of Grey".  This book seems to be getting a lot of attention lately, and has hit Main Street with full force.  It has been on several talk shows.  I have seen several blogs posts mentioning lately as well.  It is being read by our community as well as vanilla America.  It appears to be the acceptable version of women's erotica (porn), and an introduction to so many people about this lifestyle. It even got a whole article unto itself in the New York Times (see article here - a good read), where this book is referred to as "Mommy Porn" and "Twilight for grownups".  The book is "introducing women who usually read run-of-the-mill literary or commercial fiction to graphic, heavy-breathing erotica"  One part of the article even says... “What I found fascinating is that there are all these supermotivated, smart, educated women saying this was like the greatest thing they’ve ever read,” said Meg Lazarus, a 38-year-old former lawyer in Scarsdale". 

The funny part about my wife is she said she has no desires whatsoever to do any of those things, which I already knew, but I looked at her and said..."But it turned you on didn't it?"  Maybe it was just the book, maybe it was the acts themselves, but on some level she knew she was aroused.  That didn't mean she wants to try it, but it touched her in some way.  Apparently it is touching a lot of people and making them look more at something they may have avoided previously. 

So, this makes one wonder how many people out there will read this and get a better understanding of BDSM?   How many people will be even more turned off by it?  How many people will hide the hidden desires they find themselves having about BDSM?  Will be BDSM become more acceptable in the public view?  There are a lot of questions, and no real way to measure the answers.  Whatever the answers may be, it has brought this lifestyle to the forefront more than anything else in recent times.  Whether that is good for this community or bad remains to be seen.  We can all hope that it is a good thing in the end, but the feel so far is that it is a good thing.

(For the record, I have not read the book)

It's Short For... (Definitions, Abbreviations and Acronyms)

I received a Formspring question asking me about a specific acronym used within TTWD (that is the acronym).  I tend to use this is my writing, and well...I shouldn't assume that everyone who reads my blog knows what some  or all of the acronyms and/or abbreviations represent.  (BAD DV!!!)  So, I thought I would make a post with some of the more common acronyms and abbreviations related to this lifestyle.  By no means will I know or be able to remember all of them.  I hope all my readers and followers will join in and comment with some I have left out. 

Here we go:

BDSM - This one you can break down into three separate abbreviations: BD - DS - SM.  they stand for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. 

D/s - Dominance/submission or Dominant/Submissive

M/s - Master/slave

TTWD - This Thing We Do - Just a way to refer to the lifestyle.

DD - Domestic Discipline

TPE - Total Power Exchange

24/7 - A relationship in with the involved dynamic is in place continuously, or...24/7.

Top - typically the one "doing"

Bottom - typically the one "receiving".

CBT - Cock and Ball Torture

Edgeplay - scene activities in which almost always involves a chance of bodily or emotional harm...pushing things to the edge.  Examples are fire play, gun play, knife play, breath play, and blood play. 

Hard Limit - Something a person absolutely will not do.

Soft Limit - A limit someone has but may be willing to look into it and/or try it.  Something that makes someone very nervous or hesitant.

Sadist - Smeone who enjoy and/or becomes aroused from inflicting pain.

Masochist - Some who enjoys and /or becomes aroused from receiving pain.

Munch - a group of people from the lifestyle meeting in a vanilla place and atmosphere and wearing typically normal clothing.  A casual meet and greet, so to speak. 

OTK - Over The Knee (in reference to spanking)

Safeword - a codeword used by a bottom to indicate a need to immediate cease whatever activity is currently happening. 

Vanilla - Someone or something that is not a pert of or involved in BDSM. 


These are some of the most common abbreviations, definition, and acronyms.  I will add more as I think of them.  Any of you can feel free to add more in the comments section, as I'm sure there are probably some important ones I have left off. 

I'm Just Saying! (Celebrity Sex Scandals)

I'm going to venture away from my normal style of post this time.  I know, I know, but we all have to change things up every once in a while.  Today I'm going to take a look at a couple of people that we all (or most people) know.  They have been involved over the past year or two in some scandals that have had a big impact of their respective sport, and in some cases their family.  Yet, let's look at it from a totally new new and different angle.  Maybe there are reasons behind it that my readers will understand, but typical folks may not.  Let's look at why they did what they did, or at least a plausible reason behind their activity.

First up...you guessed it...Tiger Woods!

By now I think everyone in the world is familiar with Tiger and his escapades.  He has a Swedish Supermodel for a wife, and yet he had countless affairs with other women.  What would bring a guy, who makes $100 million  year and has a wife like that, to step out on her and seek a sexual relationship with another woman?  Some of the women may have been very attractive, and some, well, maybe not so much.  It didn't seem to me to be women that just happened to fall in his lap and he had a one time fling. 

Apparently he was missing something at home.  My opinion...I'm going to take a stab and say his wife is too vanilla for him.  I think he wanted to spank her and she said no.  I think he wanted to tie her up and she said no.  I think he wanted to humiliate her and she said no.  I think he wanted to control her orgasms and she said no.  So what's a guy to do?!?!  Apparently you go find a woman that will let you do all the things you enjoy and need to do. 

I'm just saying! 

Next on our list is.....Ben Roethlisberger!

For those that may not be familiar with him, he is the quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers football team of the NFL.  Ben is pretty well known in the sports world.  A couple of years ago he ran into a situation where he was accused of sexual assault.  Sexual Assault can be defined as any unwanted act of a sexual nature that is imposed on another person.  This doesn't necessarily include rape, or forcible sex with another person.  Charges were never filed criminally, but there is an ongoing civil suit in regards to that case.  Anyone can end up in a bad situation or get falsely accused of such an act.  Maybe you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person.  Here's the problem!  He has again been accused of sexual assault on a woman.  I'm different woman and different location.  I'm begining to see a patern of behavior here.  Charges are not being filed once again, for lack of evidence.  Yet, where smoke keeps appearing, thee's probably a fire nearby.

So why does Ben keep ending up in these situations?  My opinion...Ben likes rough sex.  Maybe Ben even likes BDSM play.  I think he was trying to spank the women, control the women, make demands on them, take what he thought was his, tie them up, and possibly even punish them for not listening to him.  Don't get me wrong...I DO NOT believe in unwanted touching or sexual advances on a woman.  That is not what this lifestyle is about.  Yet, is it plausible that Ben either got the wrong message from a woman, or just tried to use his celebrity power to take what he wanted, the way he wanted.  Ben could be into a lot of what we in this lifestyle are into.  He just happen to try to act it out wrongly, or picked a vanilla woman that didn't apreciate it.

I'm just saying!

Is it possible that high profile figures such as these two guys are into the lifestyle?  Is it possible that they have needs similar to the rest of us?  Is it possible they enjoy the power, control, and ownership over another person?  We'll probably never know, but....

I'm just saying!!!

Photography by China Hamilton

Once upon a time I loved porn.  Well...not that I don't still, but I'm currently referring to pics especially.  It was all about naked women on the internet.  It was almost an addiction, as I just love the female body and all it has to offer.  As I have matured I have found that I really enjoy atistic nudes and fine art nudes.  Especially those that seem to have some hidden, or not so hidden, meaning behind them.  There are a lot of photographers that do great work in the BDSM area of artistic nudes.  China Hamilton has quite a collection of these style pictures.  Some are obvious in their intent, and some are more subtle.  The above pic is the one I will discuss today.

I won't currently give you the name of the picture, as that would give away the mood behind it.  It also will defeat my purpose of this discussion.  I could get deeper into it, but for now I will keep my thoughts and views simple.  There are two ways in which I tend to view this picture.  One is a sub/pet/slave wanting and needing attention, and the other is the feeling after receiving attention.

I can look at this picture and see a sub that is begging for attention.  One that is wanting and needing to play.  It can come across as a plea to be bound and used, yet not receiving what she nneeds.  there is a look of depression and sadness at not gettting what she feels she needs so desperately.  She feels out of balance and out of place due to the lack of attention and control that she wants, and more importantly...needs, to make her feel complete.

On the other side, I can look at the picture and see a sub that is feeling the after affects of time with her Dom/Master.  It could be that she is exhausted from it.  She could still be in subspace.  She could be disappointed that the scene is over.  She could be wanting more, or she could have had all she can take for now.

I do enjoy pics like this that make you think or wonder what is really going through the mind of the person in the picture.

What do you see when you look at this picture?

Take A Good Look In The Mirror

Photography by China Hamilton

Take a good look in the mirror!  What do you see?  Do you see the real you?  Who you really are?  Or... do you see the person that you put up for everyone to see?  The person you want everyone to think you are?  To believe you are?

I saw this picture and it made me think of some of the conversations I have had with my pet.  She has recently, within the past few months, faced the fact of who and what she is...a submissive that needs and craves to be controlled.  She has felt these feelings for years, yet she didn't really understand them.  Over her life, she always loved being a pleaser in the bedroom, being controlled, and wanting to be able to totally let go all her inhibitions and be the slut she needs to be.  Yet, she did not understand these feelings until very recently, and totally understand what these desires she had really meant.  She has stated that she has felt this way her whole life, but didn't really know what to do with it.  No sexual relationship, of the vanilla sort, has ever been very satisfying, but she did not know why and couldn't figure out exactly what she wanted on a sexual level.  Her daily family life and career also require her to be anything but submissive.  She must be strong and in charge. 

Alas... along comes Sir Dauntless!  LOL!  Seriously though, I have been able to help and enable to her to see and much more clearly understand her underlying feelings and desires.  She has voiced her thoughts on how much better she feels and how free she now feels after being able to see the light and better understand herself.  She refers to this as "total irony".  That fact that she has openly accepted who she feels she truly is and that she is submissive and now owned, yet she has never felt more free and better about herself.  With me, she has dropped the mask that everyone sees in her daily life, and let me see and lead the real "her" down this path.  She also realizes that how she was raised to be and act and the false front of what a good girl does and doesn't do has no bearing on this.  I not only expect but require that she be open, kinky, and the slut and whore you truly is and needs to be.

I think there are a lot of people who deny the existence of who they truly want to be, based on what they feel society expects of them.  People are conditioned to conform to what society expects, and so here comes the mask.  The mask that we use to show the world what we think they want to see.  I understand that in some cases, my own included, based on family and work, that the mask can be a must.  Yet...you also need to be able to take it off and be who you really are without holding yourself back and denying even to yourself who you are at your core.  For a lot of people, this can be an internal struggle that is difficult to get beyond, but once you face it and accept it, then it will enable you to be much more free and relaxed than you have ever been before.  This doesn't just apply to BDSM or D/s.  It can be in regards anything in your life. 

So...I challenge you to take a good look in the mirror and see who is looking back at you.  Is it the real you, or the one that is expected of you?  Are you denying your core existence and who you truly are?  If so, maybe it's time to take off the mask and feed the monster just enough to at least see what it is like.  You might just like what you find and how it feels!

The Realization Of A sub

I met my pet a couple of months ago.  We met under the intention of a vanilla relationship, but it didn't take long for us to begin having deep discussions. Through these discussions she revealed to me about her submissive tendencies, and came to the realization that she is indeed a submissive and is in great need of a Dominant male to lead her down this path. The realization has been more of a revelation internally for her, as she now feels she better knows who she is, who she needs to be, and who she wants to be.  She discovered in me as well that I am Dominant and have had a D/s relationship and experience in the past. 

This may all seem a bit odd, or even confusing, for someone not very familiar with a D/s (Dominant/submissive) situation or lifestyle. Yet, it can be very empowering for a sub, as odd as that sounds, to be able to give them-self up to another person. To feel controlled...to feel used...to feel at the direction of another person completely. They have the need to be Dominated. This doesn't mean she doesn't need passion, care, love, support, and kind guidance. In my subs case, it makes her feel free like never before. Like the weight and outer shell has been lifted, to be able to better see and understand the feelings she has had for years, but not understood. And...to now be able to look at the possibilities of being with someone that can give her all she has discovered she needs.

The most interesting part is the mental mindset of someone like this. The thoughts that run through her head. What she thinks about constantly. It has been very enlightening for me to see inside the head of someone like this, as they come to the realization of who they are and feel they need to be.

To better see this I have listed the body of an email she sent to me.  It shows the depth and detail that she thinks about as she was approaching our first meet with a prospective situation and relationship that is new, yet very exciting and enticing.  The mail reads as follows:



As time moves closer, my mind begins to wander.


What will it feel like when we see each other?
How will it feel when we touch?
Will he know at that moment that I am his?
How will it feel to stand before my Dom, my owner, the one I trust with my body, mind, heart and soul?

Will he be dominate from the moment we meet or will that come later?
Will he be pleased with me when he sees me?
Will he kiss me then or will he make me wait, building upon the night.....
Does he know how much I need him?
Does he know how I feel I can't breathe without him?
Does he know that when I think of him, I tremble, not out of fear, but out of excitement, passion, lust, need, devotion....
When he takes me and makes my body officially his, how will I feel, emotionally, mentally?
Does he know my body is his to use how ever he wishes?
Does he know I want nothing but his happiness, for when he's happy, it pours down upon me?
Does he know that I am really his, my submission is real?
Will I feel his approval of my submission by the way he looks at me, touches me, holds me?
How will it feel to be before him, completely bare of anything? Will he be pleased?
How will it feel when our bodies become one?
How will it feel, walking on this path with him, Dom and pet?


How did I ever live without this in my life...............


I personally was astounded and amazed by the thought process and level of thought that went into this for her. Most especially, that she was able to verbalize all she was feeling and thinking.  For me, I sometimes have so many things running through my head that by the time I can get one or two down on paper (so to speak) that six other thoughts have already come and gone.  LOL!

This type situation and lifestyle is not for everyone by any means. A lot of people may even wonder how someone could think or be this way. Some other people may be able to totally relate to it and understand where she is coming from. I just thought it was very interesting and and intriguing, and that I would share it as a differing point of view than many people have or are even aware of in this world.