I was watching the London Olympics last night. For me it's on of those things that certain games I enjoy and others I could care less. At the same time, I can't quit watching because I just have to see who wins, and how they win. The Olympics have control over me,and I don't like it. I even found myself watching ping pong the other night. I mean...really?!?! LOL!
In all seriousness, I was watching some of the women's gymnastics. The announcers were discussing the training regimen of one of the US Women. I say women, but really the are all very young. Anyway, they were talking about how talented yet stubborn she can be. It's just part of her personality. Her coach will push...she will push back...her coach will push more, etc... That was almost word for word how they described it. Sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?
It takes a very strong coach to be able to train and push a gymnast like her. To stand up to her to make her be better. To make her become the best she can be. To push her past what she wants to do and thinks is necessary, in order to become more than she ever thought she could be. For the coach, I'm sure it can be very trying at times, yet it is the coach's job to not let her get the upper hand, and to keep her on track, improving, and progressing.
I think you can see where I'm going with this. As a Dominant, especially for a strong willed, stubborn, head strong submissive, you must be able to stand your ground and push. When you feel resistance, and feel her push back, you can't give in. You must stand your ground. You are doing her a disservice by giving in, and thereby letting her begin to control the situation. Ultimately she needs this control from you, and needs your Dominance. That is why she is here in the first place. She may not always like it, but it is for her own good and to make her better...to help her grow and progress. It's in seeing the fruits of your labor that she will trust and respect you more for standing up and not giving in. This is what she needs from you most.
But I'm sure none of you know anything about strong willed stubborn women...right? LOL!
So, as a Dominant, be her coach. Be her lover. Be her rock to lean on. Be strong for her. this is what she wants and needs from you. She pushes back to make sure you are standing your ground. It's a test. Don't fail the test. Push her to be her best and allow her to be more than she knew she could be. Be her coach and together the two of you just might win the equivalent of a gold medal together.
"Patience is a Virtue"...how many times have we all heard that? For me, more than we care to count. Especially when in today's society everything seems to be so fast and furious. Technology has made us want instant gratification and instant results right now. I am no exception. Yet, at the same time I teach about patience and that some things just take time. So how do we deal with the fact that we need patience, yet want something right this minute?
The answer is very simple...inner strength. I think having a lot of inner strength is vitally important to being a Dominant. I don't mean being physically strong, and even having that presence about you that exudes Dominance. Sometimes, it can take all a dominant has to be strong and be patient. This can be an internal battle he fights within himself. I'm not looking at this as patience in dealing with a submissive, or patience in seeing progress and growth within her. That should be a given, as nothing happens overnight. I'm talking about the strength to hold out yourself, as the Dominant, to be able to be better for the submissive.
One example of this is a short story I saw attached to a picture on tumblr yesterday. It was all about the Dom teasing the sub, getting her all worked up, letting her stew about it mentally, yet not letting her have any release. Many times that is the point of the exercise, and in showing who is in charge and in control. She gets her release when he allows it. She can ache and throb within, be a sloppy mess between her legs, and she can beg and plead to have him and have her release. She can need it more than anything. Yet, she doesn't get it.
This is where having inner strength comes into play for the Dom. It can be very easy to push her just a bit, and give her what she wants as soon as she begs a little. But does that serve the greater good of your relationship? Giving her what she wants every time she wants it, just because she asks? I don't think it does! It can be very difficult to say no to a beautiful woman who is overly sexually aroused, and begging and pleading to be taken. I mean, who in their right mind would turn that down, right? But part of being in control is being in control of yourself. You have to be strong to deny her to accomplish the goal you set out to reach.
Another aspect of inner strength has to do with standing firm in your beliefs, your rules, and your expectations. You can't be wishy washy and go back and forth. Remaining steadfast and holding your ground is very important. That doesn't mean you can't look at things from a different perspective and adjust how you do something. It just means that you have to be consistent in your approach with your submissive. You may not always feel like stepping up and taking control, but it is necessary. Whether that is enacting punishment, giving guidance, or not cutting any slack on a known rule within the relationship. As a Dom, you will be pushed and tested to make sure you are standing strong and that the line in the sand is still in the same place. This can take strength to make sure you stand firm.
I believe that a much stronger relationship can be formed when a Dominant has inner strength. Together, when he remains strong, they can reach much further than if he gives in. the submissive will respect him much more for standing firm, then if she feels she can push him around. Not to mention that pretty much defeats the whole purpose of the power exchange between them. You can still be loving, and caring, and supportive, and nurturing. Yet, you must stay strong and find your inner strength. The strength that is part of you and the strength she deserves to see and have from you.
I have always been a proponent that certain things cannot be forced. That has always been my approach to D/s. As much as I can make demands, set rules, define the relationship, there are some things I just won't do or force. To me, there is much more to be gained with some things when they are discovered on their own by the submissive.
It is a sort of self-discovery. Not as in finding oneself, but in realizing certain things and having that "Ah Ha Light bulb Moment". The one where something just all of sudden makes sense and was realized on her own. Mostly this revolves around feelings and emotions. Around her thinking and views about a particular subject. For whatever reason, in that moment, it just clicks and has there is now a completely new understanding.
As a Dom, I can tell her how things are going to be. I can tell her how she should view something and how it will be viewed within our relationship. She may accept that and go with it, but at that time it will just be there. It's like another rule. It's just something that is expected of her.
For me, and a big part of my enjoyment in being a Dominant, is leading and guiding her down the path of her submission, and helping her discover these things on her own. We may have in depth discussions about specific situations, and may act out certain scenarios, and I may keep heading her in the direction of my choosing. But I want her to figure these things out on her own. I want her to not only figure them out, but to truly feel them when she does begin to understand it. That is when it has a much deeper meaning to both her and me. She wasn't forced, but got to that point on her own. And because of this, it will have much more lasting effects and be more likely to be a pat of her from then on.
An example of what I'm talking about is having marks left on her body. This could be from something such as spanking. I may want her to have marks (not permanent or harmful ones) from the spanking she received, or maybe some bruising. I want her to be able to see them and have a reminder of how they got there and who put them there. Yet, for me to tell her she will wear them and enjoy them may not accomplish my goal. It's when she tells me that afterwards she was looking for marks and was disappointed when she couldn't find any that it begins to sink in. It's part of her belonging to me and feeling that within herself. It's her wishing she could see and feel the reminder of what I did to her, and needing that. This is a light bulb moment for her, especially when she has never felt the need for that before.
Another example could be cuffs or being bound. I can tell her I will bind her or or cuff her hands behind her back (which is something I would do), and the things I might do to her. But when she brings you the cuffs, or asks you to use them, this has a different meaning behind it. Now it's not just about me cuffing her, but her feeling her need to be cuffed, what it represents for her, and her need to be bound and turn over control. This has much more meaning to it than me just doing it and her accepting it.
I can ask, demand, and do a lot of things on my own. But for a submissive to get to some of these places herself, and come to her own understandings and realizations of what she needs, well, that can be a beautiful thing. It can be something small, or something much bigger. What it is doesn't really matter. The pleasure for me as a Dominant is that I was able to lead her to discovering these things within her self and on her own. I was able to lay the ground work and set out the pieces so she could put them all together for herself. For me, that is being able to teach her in a way that will last because she actually feels it and it is now a part of her she found deep within. It isn't something she does just because I'm in control and I said it was going to be a certain way. That is being a teacher, and teaching lessons that won't soon be forgotten...at least from my point of view.
He has a way about his approach to her. He loves to put her in positions that he views as both submissive and vulnerable. Positions where she is bound and can move slightly but can't get out of place. Today, he chooses not to blindfold her. He wants her to see him moving about, and let her wonder what he is doing. Let her wonder what implements will be his choice this time. He wants the butterflies to build within her. He knows it makes her nervous, yet excites her at the same time. This is what she has asked for in giving herself to him, and it makes her drip with nervous anticipation.
Sometimes she still does not understand this. She still questions how she can need such things from him. How she can be so nervous, and subject herself to this. And yet it turns her on beyond belief. Her mind says one thing, while her body responds so willingly. Her mind may question her desire, but her body has no doubts whatsoever. It burns with a searing heat produced from deep inside, and like no one else has ever made her feel.
This is her drug. It's addictive. As much as she tries she can't do without. He makes her want and need what only he can give to her. Sometimes he makes her beg for it. Sometimes he sates her just a bit but not enough. Other times he makes her suffer the withdrawals of going without. While still, other times he gives her so much she thinks she will overdose and can't handle it.
She has never presented herself to anyone like she does him. She has never willingly been this vulnerable to anyone or anything. So why? Why now? Why him? Because she trusts him with every ounce of her being. She trusts him with her life and every breath she takes. He has proven he is worthy of her trust. That he will push her limits and boundaries, but will also care for and see to her well being. He treats her like his most valued possession, makes her feel appreciated and loved. She respects him like she has never respected anyone, man or woman. She truly does belong to him in the most sacred of ways...in her mind.
As he approaches her, her moves around behind her. All she can hear is a faint snicker come from him. She knows why he is laughing. She is embarrassed, but can't help it, and now that he is standing behind her watching, it kicks into overdrive. She can feel herself dripping. She can feel the moisture pouring from within her. All this time he hasn't said a word. He hasn't made a single utterance about his intentions or of her being left in this position. Then finally the silence is broken...
"Oh look...you made a puddle for me again. You can clean it up when we are done. No point in doing it now when you'll just have to do it again later."
When people in general hear something or think about D/s or bdsm, the first thing that comes to mind for them is kink. It is about the physical acts, the force, the sex, being tied up, spanking, etc... It is what most would refer to as stepping outside the norm of sexual interactions. If you just like to play the roles every once in a while, then sure, it is all about the physical acts. When you don't understand it, sure all you see is the physical acts. When you have never experienced it for yourself, all you know and see are the physical acts beyond what is the norm for you. But for many of us, it isn't just the kink. It isn't just the physical acts. It's so much more!
In my most recent post (You Raise Me up), the video I made and posted attempts to show this. Yes, the video portrays Domination and submission. Yet, I tried to make it show and exemplify the deeper side of this lifestyle. Showing couples that are involved in these types of relationships, and attempting to show the connection and bond between them. Trying to show the depth of what they have together. The lyrics to the song stress this point as well. When we have a great partner and are together, you do raise each other up. You give each other strength. You enable each other to be more than you could be on your own. And don't think it is just the Dom enabling the sub. It goes both ways. A sub can have just as powerful an affect on her Dom and show him how much more and better he can be as well.
There was a recent post I read by Kitty, where she re-posted and quoted some words written by her Daddy and Husband. The post (click here to read it) is about how the word submission is viewed in society and gets a bad rap. Then it goes into the religious references of how a husband and wife should be towards each other. Daddy explains his view extremely well. He makes it very clear, which I completely agree with, that submission isn't just about giving and not receiving. It isn't just about a woman submitting to her husband, obeying, and doing as he says. The husband should be willing to give as well. In being in charge and having control, the husband should be willing to give everything he is and has The Husband should give all he has to and for her, up to and including laying down his own life for her.
Does that sound like kink to you? Does that sound like it's just fun physical acts? Not to me! It's so much more! It's a connection and bond that transcends everything else. Even in everyday life, it's the dynamic within the relationship that can lend strength and stability. It can make you feel more like yourself, more balanced, and more centered than you could ever be on your own. It can make you desire to give more of yourself than you have ever given anyone. It's a place and feeling of safety and security. There is no other place you would rather be than with that person, giving of yourself, and accepting what they have to offer in return. It is...home!
"I have suggested to my husband over the years that he be more Dominant with me. I finally got him to take more control, but I don't feel it...I don't believe it. He refuses to spank or punish me...what should I do?"
Typically when I read something like this my first answer and response has to do with communication. You have to be willing to sit down with your husband, open up, be vulnerable, and tell him exactly what you want. Be forward, blunt and to the point. no reason to beat around the bush. He can't give you what you are expecting if he doesn't know what that is and/or understand it. Not only do you need to tell him what you want and need, but tell him why. Let him inside your head and psyche to see why you feel you need and want his Dominance.
In contrast, you need to be able to understand him as well. Find out if he has an issue with being Dominant, and what that issue may be. You need to know what it is that keeps him from being what you are asking him to be. It could be any number of reasons...social stigma, religion, personal beliefs, his past. You need to be able to understand him to be submissive for him, just as he needs to understand you.
I said my first answer usually has to do with communication. In this case, my first gut feeling, and the one that still sticks with me, is that he isn't Dominant. Being Dominant isn't natural for him. He feels out of place in doing what you are asking of him. He is doing it because you ask, but that is about as deep as it goes for him. You could be asking him to step completely outside of his comfort zone and be someone he is not. This could very well be the reason you don't feel or believe his Dominance. He has to feel and believe it within himself first. Until this happens, and it very well may never happen, you will never feel it yourself. It's kind of like asking him to flap his arms and fly...it's just not going to happen.
This made me think of a post Greengirl wrote last week, which can be found here. She was conversing with a friend about her submission and what she was expecting from her Dom. I will paraphrase, but the main point was that it is selfish to hold onto expectations of what you expect from your Dom, and get upset when those expectations are not met. Instead, serve and submit because you find joy in doing so, and you accept your Dom for who he is, just as he does you. This may not totally apply in reference to this question and situation, but it does have some relevance.
I hope this answered your question and helped you at least a bit, Mrs. Anon. If I am way off base or missing something, feel free to correct me in the comments, or contact me again to clarify. Thanks so much for your question.
Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think S/He should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self. — William Henkin
Here is another picture that is up for interpretation. There's just something alluring about a pet/sub on a leash and a collar. Although, this picture doesn't leave a lot in my mind to be interpreted.
In this picture I see...stubbornness...defiance...rebellion...insubordination. A fighting against the collar and against her submission and all that it stands for and means. I she tied to a wall and fighting that? Is her Dom/Master pulling the leash and she is fighting that? Whatever the case, there appears to be a lack of submission, rebellion against control, and a strong sense of independence shining through.
As a Dominant, though, sometimes I do enjoy seeing my sub fight against something. Maybe it goes against her beliefs and she is standing up for herself. Or, maybe she is just being defiant for the sake of it. Eithyer way, sometimes it's nice to see a little spunk and pep in her attitude. Well...as long as it's not in a disrespecful manner.
What are your thoughts? Maybe you see something I don't or am missing?!?!
I am still early in the training process with my sub L. She has come a very long way since we first began, yet she still has so far to go. She will be the first to admit this. Recently I told her I had gone online and purchased some "supplies", which we playfully referred to as toys, to enable me to better use her and to aid in her submission. For over a week she kept asking what I had bought. I told her every time she asked that I would not tell her, and she would find out soon enough. L tried every way she could to trick me into telling her what I bought. Some might see this as a transgression by her for continually asking after I told her I wouldn't tell her. Yet for me, I rather enjoyed her torture of wondering and trying to figure it out. "What could he have bought? What will he do to me?" In this post I will discuss only one of those items.
When we met earlier this week, as soon as she entered the room we kissed passionately. Then I immediately pinned her face first against the wall. I lifted her skirt to feel the bare ass that was underneath, then slid my hand under and began pinching and pulling on the pussy that belonged to me. To her it didn't matter if I was gentle or rough...pleasured her or inflicted pain...her pussy was getting the attention she had been longing for from her Dom. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks and I knew how horny and worked up she would be. After a few minutes of getting her soaking wet, I stopped and whispered in her ear. "Are you ready for your punishment?" She knew this would happen tonight and was expecting it due to a recent disobedience. Nothing like a sudden shift of gears from getting so turned on to facing the punishment you knew was to be doled out this evening.
L was taken and bent over the bed to receive her punishment. After she received it, I told her to stay bent over, as I was not done with her. Before we go any further, you have to realize that we have had many discussions about ass play and anal sex. This is something she enjoys and truthfully she seems to be turning into an ass slut of sorts. She loves the feel, the attention, and knowing that only I can take her ass the way she enjoys, and that giving her ass to me is one of the most submissive acts she can offer. Yet, to this point, there has only been a bit of play and one time where I have "taken" her ass. L is bent over the bed still, face down in the sheets, and awaiting what comes next. I step away and return a moment later. She doesn't know that I have fetched one of my new supplies...a butt plug. It is a small one for training, but nonetheless, a plug. I lube it up and begin to move it around her puckered hole, slowly inserting it. I move it in and out, almost in a fashion as though I'm fucking her ass with it. She is wriggling just a bit, and moaning. In actuality, I'm getting it further and further seated, and finally have it all the way in. I ask her if she likes my new toy, to which she moans "yes sir". I said "good, let's go eat dinner". That is what really caught her off guard. You could feel the "oh shit" tension fill the room. I helped her straighten up and off we go.
This is one of the many lessons she is learning. Never assume you know where things are going, or what will happen next. Assuming will bite you in the ass every time. So...L has now gone from overly excited, to the mental anguish of being punished, to the enjoyment of something inside her ass, to the humiliation of going into public with a plug in her ass. We knew no one where we were going, and expected to see no one. Yet she is worried the whole time that people seeing her know she has a plug in her ass. Like they can somehow see with their x-ray vision through her skirt.
She did very well during our dinner and enjoyed her plug. It was the mental side of it, and being in public, more so than the actual physical pleasure. She is slowly learning about the possibilities of what may happen to her in public as well as private. The potential humiliation of being seen and someone knowing is a big issue for her. Yet, she finds an excitement in it. L knows that I will not guide her in a wrong direction. But...she also isn't always sure about where I am going with things either. That's just the way I like it!
