The Jekyll and Hyde Contradiction...

I believe at times we all have contradictions that that run through our head.  This is especially true within this lifestyle of BDSM, D/s, Ms, etc...  Any of you that have followed me for any length of time know that I have written about the contradictions that lie within submission.  There is the internal battle many times of what seems right versus what a submission wants, needs, or craves.   It can be hard to accept these things and come to terms with our desires for these seemingly inappropriate acts and treatment.  In today's society, it can even seem very wrong to even want to submit and give power and authority over to another person, regardless of the acts that may play out.  Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret... this can be hard for a Dominant/Master at times as well.

When I take the time to look at some of things that I enjoy about being Dominant, and the aspects of this lifestyle that I enjoy (the not so gentle or nice aspects), and compare that to what is considered socially acceptable, it can stop me in my tracks.  In fact, in some circles I potentially could be clinically determined to be a sexual deviant and be need to be on the registered sexual offender list.  I could be one of those people that has to carry that stigma and has everyone look at him as though I am an outcast.  Why don't we just go ahead and take me to the town square and hang me for all to see and rid our community of such atrocity.

I see scenes of seemingly rough forced sex and I like it.  I see scenes of a caning and I love the pretty whelps and stripes left across the woman's ass.  I want to create those whelps myself.  I see various acts of pain inflicted and I want to do those things myself.  I want to make my slave moan and scream and beg, and then make her take even more.  I want to make her choke on my manhood, only to let her breathe and then do it again.  I see pictures of women in of cages and think "Hmmm... I need one of those!"  I think about spanking her pussy and hurting her nipples and want to subject her to it over and over.  I want to ram myself into her repeatedly so that it hurts her and she screams, and I won't stop until she's a foggy mess of a blob that can't even function.  All to exert my Dominance, fulfill my own needs, and show her how she is owned and at my mercy for whatever I choose.

Therein lies the contradiction.  At the same time, I love and care for my slave.  I want to go places and do things with her.  I want to hold her hand.  I want to spoon with her as we sleep.  I want to caress and care for her.  I want to gently kiss her on the forehead.  I want to have her head in my lap and stroke her hair and cheek as we watch television.   I want to laugh with her, and pick at each other in fun.  I want to defend her when she is threatened, and throw myself in front of any danger she might face.  I want to shield her from anything unpleasant that may come her way.

How can I be this way?  How can I want to hurt her in one breath and protect her from pain in another?  How can I want to subject her to such apparently cruel acts, but then want to protect her to the death?  It's like I internally consist of my own personal Jekyll and Hyde.

How?  I'll tell you how!  Because it's part of who I am as a man and a Dominant, and also what my slave needs and craves from me.  It's part of the dynamic we have together, each knowing our roles and place with the other.  Each of us, in actuality, feeding off the other to be this way to meet our owns needs as well as fulfill the needs of each other.  Am I like this with everyone?  Absolutely not!  The key to it all is consent.  I have no desire to do these things with someone that does not want and need it.  That doesn't turn me on one bit.

I'm not going to look at the hot soccer mom and kidnap her and do evil things to her just because I get off on it.  I'm not going to look at the hot professional woman in her nice dress and want to defile her.  Ok wait, I might fantasize about it, but would never act on it.  In my fantasies it happens because she ultimately wants it as well.  It's one thing to fantasize about it, but to act on it goes somewhere totally different.  It's that action on the fantasies of force against one's will that takes it to another level and will define you as a clinical deviant and sexual predator.

I don't want you to think that I'm sitting here confused and flopping around like a fish out of water not knowing what to do.  I'm not battling I came to terms with who I am long ago.  I am secure in the Dominant I am and the things I desire and need as a Dominant.  For this to work for me, I need a willing partner.  I need someone that wants this from me, and even pushes me to do more and go further with this side of myself.  I need consent as well as a mental and emotional connection to be this way with someone.  This is not about taking what I want from just anyone.  It's about being that way with and for my slave because she needs that from me, and it allows me to be able to be my true self.

I may be a walking contradiction in many ways, but I'm ok with that.  I'm good with the person I am and have uncovered.  I can have Jekyll and Hyde, and have learned to balance the two.  I won't lie to you, it's not always easy, but that's ok as well.  The struggles make the triumphs worthwhile.  For me, the benefits far outweigh the downsides.

Hi... my name is DV... and I'm a living, breathing contradiction that happily embraces both sides of himself and wouldn't have it any other way.