Advice For New Dominant...

I was recently asked on tumblr... What advice would you give to someone just starting to embrace his Dominant side?

This is a great question.  Most of the time the questions revolve around the sub, so having one about the Dom is nice.  The first thing I will tell you is to have an open mind and realize that the things you want is ok to want.  It may be against many societal norms, and against how we as men are taught to treat a woman, but that doesn’t make it wrong.  The key to this is consent from the sub.  You shouldn’t treat just anyone as if you are Dominant, but to Your sub, as long as it’s consensual and something you both want and need, it’s perfectly acceptable and is what works for the two of you.  Coming to terms with this mentally can be hard for many Doms.  

Second, you need to learn and figure out what you need as a Dom, what you like and don’t like, and what kind of Dom you are.  This isn’t something that comes quickly and sometimes comes with trial and error.  Just because you see it on tumblr, or read it somewhere doesn’t mean you have to do it or be like that to be a Dom.  That’s the beauty of this…you can figure out what you like, and leave the rest behind.  there is no right or wrong way to do this, only the way that works best fr you.  Everyone is different and an individual, so they need to find what they need and works for them.  Along this same line, is finding a sub that matches well with your own likes and dislikes.  You have to be on the same page or it will never work.  If you have a sadist streak and she isn’t at all masochist, then that will be a real problem.  So, you have to learn and know yourself, as well as learn and know your sub.  

Third…trust, respect and communication…to me the pillars of a D/s relationship.  Being able to be completely open and discuss things with your sub is essential.  Trust and respect goes both directions, from sub to Dom and Dom to sub.  These things are not something Dom can be require or demand…they are earned.  And to earn these things takes time.  You also have to understand that trust and respect can be easily lost, and very hard, if not impossible, to regain.  So be mindful of this, because without trust and respect for each other, you have nothing in a D/s relationship.  

Last, but certainly not least, you never know it all and are never God’s gift to all the submissive’s in the world.  Treat all people in the lifestyle with dignity and respect.  It can take a long while to learn and find your way, but that’s half the fun of the journey.  You never know everything there is to know, no matter how long you have been in this lifestyle, and can always learn more and try to become better.  You are only Dom to the one that chooses to accept you in that role, not to everyone or anyone just because they declare they are submissive.  Even with the one you can call your own submissive, don’t discount her thoughts, views and opinions.  She can teach you just as well as you can her.  She may see something differently than you that you haven’t thought of before.  You don’t just get to tell and control, more often than not you have to listen.  

Believe in yourself and believe in her.  Work together to grow, progress and become more and better.  It’s a lot of work and effort but the rewards are well worth it.  Hope this helps give you some points to think about and get you in the right direction.

~DV~

Submission vs Obedience...

I was recently asked about the difference between submission and obedience.  This is something that I have had in my head but never put a lot of thought into before.  I actually had to take some time to think about this and how I see the difference, which was harder to explain than I first thought it would be.  I had plenty of thoughts on this, but actually putting it into words was a bit ore difficult than I thought it would be.  

With a little help from my close friend google, I came up with a pretty clear picture of what was dancing around in that Dom space between my ears.  Obedience and submission are not one in the same, although similar.  Obedience is a matter of conscience and outward behavior.  It is the act of completing a task.  It is the actual action, so to speak.  Obedience isn't necessarily submitting, but I think it is a part of submission.  Submission on the other hand is the inward nonresistance, compliance, and giving of oneself.  It is a matter of what is in your heart.  It is about what you feel.  

I have always said that, for me personally, I don't want a woman that does something and behaves based solely on my demands, commands, or my making her do something.  I want a woman that does all this because it is what she needs and feels and has a desire to do for me.  She acts, behaves, or obeys because she has the need to do so and feels that from within.  So, without even knowing it, I was expressing my desire for submission as opposed to straight obedience.  Yet, the obedience is part of her submission.  

For many, it's the actual act of obeying that can be difficult.  You can want and need to submit and feel that inside, but the actual act of showing it through obedience can be hard to embrace.  This may not be the case with day to day submission and interaction, but is especially true when being more aggressively led and pushed in your submission.  This is where trust plays a huge factor in a D/s relationship.  A submissive has to trust her Dominant, the way he leads her, that he intends to look after her, and that he has her best interests at heart.  She has to trust that he understands her and will only push her to a point that she can handle.  That he won't take advantage of her and use or abuse her.  She has to feel safe in her submission and obedience, and this can't be accomplished without a deep level of trust.  

In case you ever have your own confusion on the difference between submission and obedience, here's a synopsis for you... submission is what is inside and what you feel, whereas obedience is the actual action that takes place.  Obedience is part of submission, but submission isn't necessarily part of obedience.  You have to feel it in your heart and then your actions to represent what you feel, for the two to be part of the same thing.  Anyone can drop down on their knees, but it's what you feel inside and the intent behind it that holds the true meaning.

~DV~