Advice To New Dominant (Formspring Question)

I received the following question via formspring:

I am entering into a D/s relationship with my wife. I am new to the lifestyle and could use some general advice.

This really is a good question, and one that I think all new Doms need to ask.  It's never wrong or bad to seek help and direction, even as a Dominant.  Especially as a married couple that has been together a while already and now wants to introduce this dynamic, I think getting off on the right foot is essential.  This beginning period can not only make or break whether D/s works for you, but can also have either a very positive or negative affect on your overall marriage.  I don't know exactly what has transpired between the two of you at this point, so I will touch on some high points I think are vital.

First and foremost above all else...she has asked you to be her Dominant, not be domineering.  Being a dominant is about taking control and leading the way.  It's about guiding yourself and her as you move forward, while caring for and appreciating all she is and gives to you.  It's loving her and doing what you feel is in her best interest.  It is NOT being an overbearing controlling asshole that does things just because you can or think she has given you that right.  You need to do things with a purpose and with a goal.  To help her grow and progress as your wife and your submissive.  To help you grow as her husband and her Dominant.  Do things with the idea of it bringing you closer, opening you both up more, and enabling you two to go further than you could before.  Don't get stuck on a power trip, or think you can do whatever you like now.  Not even close!

I have said this time and time again...communication.  Communication is everything.  The two of you have to be able to be completely open and discuss things about yourselves and your feelings like you probably never have before.  Notice I said..."the two of you".  This goes for you both.  You can't expect or demand she be open and share with you and you not be willing to do the same.  This level of talking and sharing likely won't come easy.  For most people, they have never been this open in their lives.  So, you can't expect it to change and both of you be good with it overnight.  It will take time and likely some pushing by each of you to keep the other open.  It will get easier, though.  If you can't talk and can't be open with each other, then you might as well just quit now.  Open honest communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship...D/s or vanilla.  Communication also includes listening.  Become a great listener.  It's great if she is open and shares with you, but if you aren't really listening or understanding what she is saying, then it's lost it's effectiveness.

Trust and respect!  These are very important once you get going with the relationship.  This is a two way street as well.  You need to trust and respect her as much as you ask her to trust and respect you.  This can take time to build, but your words and your actions, along with your consistency will help build this for each other.  Trust and respect can be hard to build, and I feel like they cannot be asked for or demanded.  You earn trust and respect...it is given, not taken.  Yet, it is very easily lost, and hard, if not impossible, to regain once lost.  By the mere nature of D/s, so much trust has to be in place.  Without trust and respect for each other and what you do and give to each other, you can go nowhere.

Lastly I would say that you both have to understand that there is no right or wrong way to do this.  Don't get caught up in the hype or stereotypes of what you see or read.  You two can make this into whatever you want it to be and whatever works for you.  Incorporate the parts you want and need and leave the rest on the shelf.  It doesn't matter how anyone else does this, or what anyone else tells you.  You can make your D/s relationship operate however is best suited for you both.  In addition, don't be afraid of wanting things that seem wrong based on what society thinks or teaches.  If you both are interested, then look into it.  It's ok to be kinky and to want and desire weird things.  Everyone has their own kinks they enjoy.  Also realize that what you like or are interested in will change and evolve over time as you go.  That's perfectly normal and to be expected.  Don't be afraid of this when it happens.  It's very likely that what may be a limit for you today, tomorrow will be something you crave.

I'm sure there is more I could list, but I think these are the basics and some of the most important aspects when starting out.  Nothing can replace experience.  You can read and research until your head hurts, but nothing takes the place of actually being involved and knowing how things really play out and feel.  This can be the beginning of a beautiful thing for the two of you.  Don't rush it, take it slow and one step at a time, and enjoy having this in your marriage.  It can bring you closer and enable you both to feel things you never imagined.  It can be like finally finding yourself, when you didn't even know you were missing.  Embrace it and each other and enjoy the ride.

If any of my readers have other points they would like to mention, by all means feel free to leave it in the comments.  By no means do I think my list is all-encompassing, and I'm sure I left off some important aspects.  Feel free to share your own views on this topic, as I think this can be a great discussion point.

~DV~

Is Asking Demanding? (Formspring Question)

I received the following Formspring question:

  My Dom is the best lover I have ever had and he satisfies me in ways I didn't even know existed. But there is only one problem, he never goes down on me, which is something I really miss. I feel like asking for it is too demanding for a sub. How do I ask?

This is very interesting and something I think many submissives grapple with, within themselves. To me this question goes much further than just asking for oral sex.  It's about asking for what you want and need at all.  It's about feeling like you have a voice and can speak up when there is something you are missing or feel you need from the relationship. 

Any of you that have read my blog for any length of time know what I'm going to say about this.  It all about...communication.  It's about being able to talk openly and feeling free to do so.  Yet, I think the main thing to know is it's has everything to do with how you go about it.  There are ways to ask and bring it up and ways not to not do it.  Done incorrectly, your request can come across as demanding.  But, if you bring it up as something you have noticed, something you feel you miss, and something you would like him to consider, and leave it at that then you should be fine. 

As part of the list of rules I have always used with my subs, I have a clause in there for being open and how her thoughts matter.  Here is what it says: 

Your opinion matters. Your thoughts, needs, desires, opinions, and views will always be taken into account. You may not always get what you want, but you will be heard. Always feel free to express your opinion...but do it in a respectful manner.

I think this is vitally important in a D/s relationship.  She has to feel like it's ok to bring things up for discussion.  She has to feel like and know that what she has to say matters and will be heard and taken into consideration.  Bringing these situations up and talking about them in a calm and respectful manner is the most important part.  Expressing yourself and what you feel you need is not at all demanding.  The two of you have to be able to talk and discuss things like this.  Neither Doms or subs are mind readers.  I can't understate how important I think communication and being able and willing to open talk can be.

So my dear Formspring submitter...I think it's perfectly fine for you to bring up this subject with your Dom.  It's not at all demanding to talk about it and express your desire to receive oral stimulation.  Just make sure you talk about it with him respectfully.  The way you go about it makes all the difference. 

Do what?!?! I'm A Sadist?!?!

I came across a very interesting topic in some of my reading.  It flips the coin on a lot of what I write about, which is on submissive emotions, understanding, and acceptance of who and what she is.  This topic is all about the Dominant and how he reconciles his sadist desires while being a loving and caring person in life and a general sense, and even in a Dominant sense.  I think this is well worth a look.

This is a very good topic and one I haven't seen talked about much. Just as it can be hard for a sub to reconcile their need to submit and/or their need for pain, it can be hard for a Dom to reconcile their need to Dom and to inflict pain.  I am not at all above admitting that I have had this internal battle on occasions.  On one hand I want to make her feel loved, cared for, and to know she is safe with me.  On the other, I have the desire to push her limits, inflict some form of pain, and to make her endure for me. 

I consider myself a passionate and caring Dom, but do also enjoy being aggressive at times and pushing her with my sadistic side.  A sub should need all the care, appreciation, and support you can give her. She also can need your force and sadism to help her feel and be who she needs to be. It is this need in her that helps pull it out of me. I'm comfortable with it knowing she needs it and needs my sadistic nature, at least at times. Doesn't mean she needs it all the time, but certainly some of the time. 

I think just as subs have to come to terms with accepting it's ok to want these things and this lifestyle, the same applies to a Dominant.  He has to come to some understanding that he isn't just hurting someone, but there is a purpose.  Yes, he may find pleasure in it, but so does she.  Yet, he is also being what she needs him to be.  He is stepping up and being the Dominant he needs to be for himself and she needs him to be.  It meets a need and a purpose for each of them. 

Let's keep in mind though, that all his actions are done with consent.  At no time or point should anyone engage in these actions against the will or consent of the other person. 

After your times of sadistic pleasure, this is the best time to comfort her and be the caring Dom you are. This is the aftercare she will need and when she will need it most. This is the time you can let your softer side shine through and be the caring person Dom she knows and loves.  Show her you aren't just using her to get your sadistic pleasures.  That you too need to hold and caress her and show her how much you care and she means to you. 

 It's all part of the yin and yang of D/s...it's each of you giving the other what you need, and helping each other reach your potential. So, don't be afraid of your Dominant sadistic side...embrace it. Just make sure that your sub is on board with your desires and that your wants and needs match up well with the intent you have.  This is one of those areas where your sub can help you grow and expand and learn more about yourself.  She can show you the side of you that you need to be for her, and to know it's perfectly fine to be this way.  Yes, a sub can teach her Dom, and can do so to make him better for them both...and that is a beautiful thing. 

All Those Fantastic Asses...

Just a reminder for all those that aren't aware, for those that have inquired, and those that are just looking for some nice pics...

Although Fantastic Ass Friday is currently in a state of suspension, you can still visit my new tumblr page and get your fill of all the nice female posterior pics.  New pics are added almost every day... B&W, color, artistic, some more revealing than others.  I try to keep that page somewhat tasteful and not just porn pictures.  (depending on how you see it I guess lol)  Anyway, I do enjoy pics with some artistic flair and beauty.

Feel free to stop by, pull up a chair and stay a while. 

Elegantly Dangerous Curves (DV's Fantastic Asses)


~DV~

Losing the Thrill? (Formspring Question)

I received the following comment/question via Formspring:

Love your honesty in answering questions, quite HOT! I am new to BDSM, obviously. So, before I get over my head in this new relationship and my heart broken, let me ask you this? Do dominant men lose the thrill of their sub once they are "broken in"?

First, thank you so much for the compliment.  Can't say that me or my honesty has ever been referred as hot before, but I won't complain.  :)

This question is almost like deja vu.  I've had this conversation a couple of times over the past month or so.  Even within the last week.  I will assume by broken in this means that you are at least past the initial stages of becoming familiar with being submissive and having a Dominant lead them down that road.  Or, at least that's how I'm going to approach this. 

As for my own personal views, I think that any Dom who is just there for the thrill of "breaking you in" and then wishes to be on his way isn't worth the time.  This is, of course, unless this is known from the start and you are both in it for this reason.  Otherwise, you go through all this with him, get attached, develop feelings, connect and bond on a deep intimate level, and then end up an emotional basket case because he moves on.  And why?  All because he made his conquest and is now onto someone else.

In my eyes, unless you go into with that purpose and it is known, that is just...Wrong...Wrong...Wrong...on so many levels!

For me, losing the thrill doesn't even cross my mind or play into it.  It's not about getting a submissive used to this and what it is like and then nothing more.  It's about the ever-evolving relationship and dynamic between the two of you.  I don't see it as a period of initial learning and then you move into the next phase.  I see it as something that is continuously growing and becoming more, with no specific phases or end points.  It is a constant progression together to become more for each other.  If you back out after the initial "break in" period ( I feel like I'm talking about a car or something lol)  then you are missing out on how deep and fulfilling a D/s relationship can grow to be. 

I think so much of it depends on the person you are involved with in this.  A good person/man (Dom doesn't even really have to be a part of the equation) won't ever see it as getting your feet wet and then leaving you start it all again.  If this is a concern for you, then you two need to be very open with your communication and define what you want and your expectations with each other.  He needs to know how you view your relationship, now and in the future, just as you need to know how he sees it.  there doesn't need to be any surprises, as far as this goes. 

I hope this answers your question(s).  Thanks for asking this, and again for the compliments. 

~DV~

Thank You Lurkers...and Non-Lurkers Alike

I have come to realize that today is "Love Your Lurkers" Day.  So I will say hello to all of you out there that stop by, whether sporadically or regularly, but never leave a comment or say anything.  I know I have them, as I think all of us in blogland do.  I believe the chart to the right is a pretty good representation of what really goes on about those that comment and make themselves known.  So...that means we all have a huge following of anonymous lurkers that read, but remain in the shadows.  I thank you all, known or not, that stop by and enjoy what I write and have to say. 

 Well, today you can no longer hide!  We all know you are there.  So feel free to drop by, make yourself known, and leave a comment about whatever you would like.  This is a free comment zone about anything and everything, so feel free to throw it out there.  Bring it on my dear lurkers!  Come out of hiding and step forth from the shadows, at least for a moment, and let it be known that you like to stop by and read DV's blog.  Ok...ok...I know...you really don't want anyone knowing you like it here.  But you can do it just for today, and anonymous comments are more than welcome.  Whatever your reason, feel free to leave a comment and of course....Thank you for lurking, and at least for today...de-lurk yourself!  :)

DV

The Look In Your Eyes

The look in your eyes
The feelings never more true
You look fabulous
With me owning you

Your beauty shines
Your smile is bright
You have found happiness
In my glowing light

You finally see
The you that was hidden
Of your doubt and hesitation
You will now be ridden

 

You bring me my belt
And say "please make me feel
Your power and strength
Is so very real"

Your ass in the air
Waiting for lashes
Breathing deeply
You feel the first lashes

One, then two
Then three, then four
You hope I'm not done
You need many more

Your skin bears red stripes
From the crack of the belt
Finally you are alive
You have now felt

You completely let go
You had no choice
I made you go there
It's total rejoice

You blood runs hot
It burns like fire
Within you flows
A never known desire

All you want now
Is to give me more
Whether standing by my side
Or on your knees on the floor

 You let me inside
All those firmly built walls
And now all you want
Is to give me your all

Because deep inside
You know I care
I give love and support
And will always be there

The look in your eyes
The feelings never more true
You've never been happier
Than with me owning you


~DV~